Walk the walk

When the alarm gets you out of bed at 5.30am I am more than ready for a small snoozette come 3.30pm. But NO - there is work to be done and I must battle on rewriting a truly atrocious piece of work from someone who should know better. I digress.

I felt like I wanted to follow on from yesterday's post. I'm not really sure how I am feeling. I won't lie, I do feel a bit at sea (what is it with the nautical references just now?) not knowing what the scales are saying but I need to get through that. Well, I've got no option. I have no access to scales - end of.

So, how has the picture of doom featured in my thoughts since it darkened my screen... I've not really thought about it but the knock on effect is that I'm not feeling particularly fired up or motivated. But I suppose that could be because I just don't feel like I'm losing any weight and in general am feeling a bit uninspired.

Mind you, in saying that, last night after dinner TB's mum and I went out for a walk after I suggested it. We ended up covering 5 miles and set the world to rights along the way.

By the time I put a 10 hour day at work, travelled for two hours and walked for two hours there wasn't much time left for eating - so it ended up being a pretty good day.

I'm trying to get back into the way of writing down everything I eat. If I'm mindful, run two or three times a week and get in a long walk - SURELY I've got to lose weight. Something has to bloody well give.

Not a sniff of a breeze

The blind, healthy living campaign (i.e. not weighing myself) is going pretty well so far. Yes, I've had a few treats here and there (and a lot of booze) over the weekend but I also went out for two runs - both just over 5km.

I've done sweet FA when it comes to running, this year and so I was really pleased that not only am I getting out there but that I'm managing the distances I am without too much bother. I'm taking a few minutes longer than I'd like but I know I'll improve if I keep it up. Which of course, I will!

So I was feeling pretty good. Was. I made moussaka for dinner last night and the portion was pretty big so I felt kinda bloated, not helped by the fact I polished off a packed of white mice. A short while later while perusing Facebook, I clocked two pictures of me, taken yesterday by two different people. They were horrendous. I looked like a massive blob in both of them. A massive fat blob. Awful. Really awful. I cannot remember seeing such a bad picture of me for a long time.

I saw pictures of me from a few weeks ago and they were no where near as bad. I've not gained any weight since then and I while I wasn't exactly jumping for joy about the size of my arse, I thought I looked okay. These two pics from yesterday have totally knocked the wind out my sails. Imagine a little sail boat just bobbing about on its own in the sea - with not a puff of air to help it. Does that make you sad? It bloody well should cause it's got on the verge of tears.

I'm trying to remain rational and not go totally bat-shit crazy. That's what I do. I react. I blow up - but within moments I've got things in perspective and I am working through the practicalities of it all, my brain pinging with positive thoughts.

Not today, people. Not today. I am struggling with this.

It's not like I've been going bonkers and ingesting anything and everything that's not nailed down. I've been good! I've been out running for crying out loud. I don't really know where I am going with this.... It's pissed me off and I feel particularly shite about it all.

I moaned to TB about it who tried to suggest the jeans I was wearing in the picture are not the most flattering. I knew they weren't a brilliant fit but I am telling you, I am never wearing them again. Although this just means I am going to have to go shopping for more which is just another giant ball ache.

AND the surveyor for my flat is underpricing the rental income (even though I can prove how much I get and it's a good bit more than they think it should get) which means I can't release as much equity as I would like. AND our solicitor thinks we will have to delay our move in date by two weeks. Pissed OFF.

Homeless holiday camp

I started writing this post on Thursday of last week and didn't quite get round top posting it up... so here we go now.

I'm not exactly living in a cardboard box right now but I am sorta homeless.

It's only for a few weeks though and TB's folks are so bloody lovely that it's really nice staying with them. They could not be more welcoming and didn't bat an eyelid last night or the night before when I took over their kitchen to make 5 cakes and some cupcakes (I seem to have made a rod for my own back as office birthday cake baker).

What is a bit of a bitch is the 5.30am alarm call. Yup, I am up and out of bed at 5.30 in the fricking AM. Oh lordy. TB's dad leaves the house at 6.10am to drive the hour to the city where we both work and so off I go at the crack of dawn with him - at my desk for 7.20am. This shit is happening people  - but you know what, I actually quite like being up early. Those first few moments when I emerge from my bed bleary eyed, like a new born mouse, are not so much fun but there is something about being up and about before the rest of the world that I love. Although, I'm working from home tomorrow and ha HA - there ain't no way I'll be up and at em before 8.30.

So let's bring this back, people. Let's bring it back to the size of my arse. It's big - we ALL know that, but how big? I don't really know - for sure. I reckon I'm about half a stone off feeling MUCH better about myself. Now the reason I don't know for sure (apart from avoiding the most judgy of all clothing items, jeans) is that I've packed away my scales.

Yup, I made the conscious decision to pack my scales in a box that I won't see for three weeks  - at best. That's three weeks without knowing what I weigh. This is a big deal for me. Massive. The only time I don't get on those scales with weekly regularity is when I am head first in a packet of biscuits - and at the moment I'm not.

You see, this is all part of a plan. For the time I'm staying at TB's folk's, I'm trying to eat as healthily as possible, be active, make smart choices and at the end of it I'm going to see how I feel, and what I weigh. I know some people will say the number doesn't really matter and for me it's not so much the number but knowing that the number is going downwards.

And so far it's being going really well - especially considering I'm not really in control of the menu at home. There been a lot of barbeques and salads and very little snacking. The only problem has been cake. I've made two big birthday cakes this week for office people (seem to have made a rod for my own back) and I've had a slice of both of them, and picked at the butter icing a bit. In the main - good, very good especially considering we've been out cycling and playing Frisbee in the garden. Just generally being more active. And I like it.

Town Mouse & Country Mouse

I have SO much to tell.

There are 1001 posts in me right now about all manner of things and one really big thing. I've been holding off saying anything until things were a little more secure but what the hell - I cannot wait a moment longer.... TB and I have bought a house! Waaaaaaaaaaa and haaaaaaaa!

There is SO much more to this tale about where it is, how amazing the house is but here are the headlines:

• It's an old house, has four bedrooms, a basement and a pretty big garden
• It's out of the city - we are moving to a town on the coast

Okay, so we've not actually bought the house yet. This has been dragging on since April as the house sale isn't exactly straightforward  because there is a lot of work that needs done to the place but we're just weeks away from getting the keys.

And in the meantime we've had to move out of our flat, so we've shifted all our stuff (including a big couch, dining table and brand new bed) to TB's parents and are staying there for a few weeks until we get our place. So it's been a little but busy - if you know what I mean!

So yeah, I've waved goodbye to city centre living which makes my periodically break out in a cold sweat. Then I realise I'm going to be living here....

Weigh in

Traaa laaa laaa... that's me skipping along, feeling pleased with myself. 1.75lbs off this week.

Pow POW. The reasons I think this happened are... despite being away in London for three days and drinking a fair amount, I walked a lot and made as many healthy choices as possible. That's it. There is nothing else that springs to mind and so I'm not going to over-think it, for once.

That takes me to 13 stone 3.75lbs. I still feel bigger than this but putting on an old favourite dress this morning, the belt is only one hole away from it's smallest position. So again, I'm not going to over think things but (haha, I cannot help myself!) I do feel more wobbly than I'd like. There is definitely some work on toning and muscle building that needs attention. Really, I just need to do more exercise. 'Just'. That's a total bastard of a word.

I'm playing badminton singles tonight which will be a bloody good work out. Then I am going home to bake a cake! Not for me - of course! Office birthday time and I seem to have made a rod for my own back. Love it!

Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 185.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1.75 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 5 pounds

The old band, back together

 My weekend in London was fantastic. Late birthday present receiving, coffee drinking, eurovision watching, club going, spa-indulging, tube riding joy. Quality time with my girls. Loved it.

Sold - a step in the right direction

I'm about to scoot off to London for  long weekend with my bezzies and here I am with a raging cold. Gah! I am annoyed! I just blew my nose and my ear made an really horrible popping noise. A really horrible, sore popping noise. I do not want to be getting on a plane like this. Sake!

Aaaaanyway, I didn't meant to bleat on about feeling sorry for myself (okay, maybe just a little bit). This is more about me reporting in on a relatively successful day. It wasn't perfect but it was pretty good. It could have been better but considering my state of mind of late - I'll take it.

I also played badminton doubles for an hour. I can tell you...  my bottom is sore today - from all the lunging! So it's all steps in the right direction. I've no idea what the weekend has in store in terms of temptation but I'm not stressing about it. Once day at a time.


B: Boiled egg & a pink lady apple
S: Nakd bar
L: Baked potato & chilli
S: Thorntons Chocolate, cold meat
D: Turkey steak, roast aubergine, salad
S: Handful pretzels, mini choc ice, mint humbug

Weigh in

Guess what... I totally went off the rails again. Well there's a shocker.

This is boring, right. Really bloody boring. I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling annoyed with myself. I am sick of not getting results. I am sick of living in the same four outfits. I am sick of feeling like I am getting bigger and bigger. Sick to the back teeth.

I'm back in the habit of avoiding looking in the mirror when I'm naked. I can see the difference - the bigger hips, the chunkier thighs, the back fat - and I don't like it. Not one bit. Head in sand phase, engaged.

Last night I was getting ready for bed and I caught sight of my body from the side. My naked side profile, if you will. I was shocked. I've never really had problems with a big tummy but then and there, I could easily have passed for someone who was four months pregnant. Jesus. Not cool. This is not cool. What am I playing at?

I woke up this morning and weighed myself. Who knows what the chuff is going on there. I'm 1.25lbs lighter than I was two weeks ago.  Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased that the number isn't in double digits but it doesn't really just now as I feel horrible. I just need to get those numbers down.

I've got a banging sore head and the start of a cold but TB and I have arrange to play badminton tonight with friends. But I'll go. I need to get one good day under my belt. I need to get a grip and take this one day at a time.

Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 187.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1.25 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 3.25 pounds

I LOVE birthdays

 Happy Birthday to me! Today am ALL the 3's - thirty three!

I LOVE birthdays and today has been no exception. I woke up early with the love of my life and my pussy cat too. That alone would be enough (and... boake!)but on top of that I've had so many lovely messages from friends and family and even a recording of happy birthday from my friend's wee girl. Too much cuteness!

The sun was shining, I got a washing out (officially old!) and had a wee play around with my ipad mini - which I put all my birthday money towards. It is white. It is PURE DEAD sexy. Then more loveliness... TB's dad dropped off a picnic hamper filled with wine and goodies from him and Mummy TB. It's s wicker and  has it's own crockery! So picnicing is well and truly on the cards this weekend. I then trotted off to work armed with a couple of cakes - a big 3 decorated with peanut M&M's and a smaller skittles rainbow.

Most people on their birthday get a cake made for them but I do love a good bake and was itching to try out my ring tin which I got for Christmas. I also didn't want some crappy shop bought nonsense. I had a really nice time decorating them last night with TB (he was in charge of colour management and spacing) and managed to keep the licking of the icing bowl to a minimum.  With some of the left over cake, cut away from the ring I also made some a Victoria sponge  - with my own jam too (budge over, Nigella). TB took that to work today. I don't mind tooting my own trumpet - my sponge cake is bloody good.

Not a weigh in

Yesterday was exemplary. Sterling. Bloody fantastic.

Another one of these would be just peachy. I was out for lunch at Wagamama today and looked up the menu first. I was actually quite surprised how many cals and grams of fat were in dishes that sounded fairly healthy. I ended up going for the grilled fish ramen which came with a massive wooden ladle. Much slurping ensued.

Apart from cycling the couple of miles to lunch and back, there is no form of exercise on the cards. I hurt my arms the weekend. Sort of strained them and they are now killing since I got off my bike. On top of that, it's my birthday tomorrow. Who wants to exercise on their birthday?! No-one, that's who. Only really boring bastards.

Now, I would normally weigh in today. It's Wednesday, innit. However, I decided against it. I wasn't sure what I was going to do but at the last minute I made decision to hold off until next week. I feel confident that I'm going to have a good week. I don't want to see a number on the scale today that's going to affect me, potentially adversely. Especially when I do feel positive right now. So it's head down and no result.

Stars in my eyes

I feel like the boy who cried wolf. I'm the girl who cried 'diet starts today'.

But guess what - it's today, again.

The weekend was a washout, both in terms of the weather and also the amount of crap I managed shove in my face.I felt fat all weekend. Uncomfortable. Frustrated. When I go away camping I always think back and the main thing I remember is how I felt about my weight. This weekend, not good. Last summer, amazing.  A year ago, not good. And it affects the whole thing. 

Last night, amid the dirty clothes, waterproof jackets and rucksacks, TB told me that he wants to start eating healthily. No more big portions, no more treats and snacks. He's not happy with how he looks at the moment and wants to lose some weight. That makes two of us.

So here we are... starting out once more. I feel like I have begun this cycle so many times this year. More than any other. Even when I have had weeks of eating well, I've not had results. So what am I going to do differently this time? What do I need to do?

I think I've confused myself and allowed things into my diet that perhaps shouldn't be there because I've had one eye on paleo. There are loads of good things about paleo eating but I feel like, for me - if I don't do it 100% then it's not going to work. And being completely honest, I am never going to do it 100%.

I don't calorie count because I know what works for me. But it's been a long time since something has actually worked for me. So assuming that I know what I can eat, isn't working. I need to go back to basics. A perfect example took place when I bought lunch today. Already clutching a basic salad bowl and a red pepper I was perusing the fish aisle for some protein for my salad. Just before grabbing some honey roast mackerel and hot footing it to the till, I looked at the numbers. 150 cals for one small sliver. I put it back and instead took a packet of ham - 115 cals for the whole lot.

That, my friends is how it is going to be for a while. I need to really think about what I am eating. It's that simple. And if I needed anymore encouragement... it's all in the stars.

Weigh in

Pinch punch first of the month.

Pinch an inch? Yank a yard, more like. I know I stuffed myself silly with cheesy crepes for dinner last night, and the rest of that traybake but seeing 13 stone 6.75lbs on the scales this morning still gave me a bit of a shock.

2.5lbs on in one week. I am pissed off with myself. Blah blah blah.

Apart from almost being sick at CrossFit last night (two others actually were) and having to lie down as I was so lightheaded, I am actually pretty fit right now. I can run a 5k in under 35 mins. I can cycle for miles and miles. I can squat 60k. But I am fat. And I am pissed off.  I am  also all over the place with my thoughts.

• It's the first of a new month - time for a fresh start
• I'm going camping this weekend, what's the point in starting before then
• Two weeks of careful eating could make me feel 100 x better
• I'm going to be living with TB's folks for 3 weeks - how will I cope with that
• I've got a month left of CrossFit before we move out the city - I should make the most of it
• I need to exercise more
• I exercise less and fill in the gaps with food
• So busy just now. I need time to plan
• Busy is good - no time to be distracted by food and sitting on my arse

And so it goes on back and forth. Of course, the day has started off well - as it usually does - boiled egg for breakfast. Lunch is a chicken and avocado salad. Dinner - no idea as yet. I have to keep trying though. I'm never going to give up entirely but that doesn't mean I'm going to get  handle on things and actually lose the half a stone (and the rest) that would make me feel SO much better.


Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 186.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: + 2.5 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 1.75 pounds