Weigh in

I know, I KNOW. I need to tell all about the engagement and the kittens (one of which is sleeping on my lap right now - more cuteness than I can stand) but for now - it's time to talk numbers. Specifically, the number on the scale.

I've got a wedding dress to fit into - there is no time to faff about. If I ever needed an incentive, then here it is - in white and lace (for example!). So much more to say on this topic.

I made the transition to the new scales which are heavier than my old ones. It's been a bit messy as I got my head around it but the main thing is that although the number is up - the overall loss is down. You get me?

The last time I checked in here was  three weigh ins ago. And get this... I've lost weight all three of these weigh ins! Yes, they are pitiful losses but the trajectory is down and that my people, makes me an even happier bunny than I am already.

Week 1:   13 stone 11.75
Week 2:   13 stone 9.75  (- 2lbs)
Week 3:   13 stone 7.5    (- 2.25lbs)
Week 4:   13 stone 8.5    (+ 1lb)
Week 5:   13 stone 6.25  (- 2.25lbs)
Week 6:   13 stone 2.5    (- 3.75lbs)

Week 7:   13 stone 2.25  (- 0.25lbs)
Week 8:   13 stone 4.5 (-0.25lbs)
Week 9:   13 stone 4 (-0.5lbs)
Week 10: 13 stone 3.25 (-0.75lbs)

Total: 11lbs

I don't wanna keep harking back to the old scales but if I was weighing on them - I would be 0.75lbs away from being in the 12s!

In other news, yesterday I ran 5.85km without stopping once to walk. Pow pow!

Kitten brain

SO much to talk about! SO much to tell you!

I can't concentrate for more than five minutes on one thing though. This week is a really busy week as it is, never mind the telling of my engagement tale to every single person who looks at me - whether I know them or not. And on top of that - kittens!

I have two kittens that I cannot get enough of. They are beyond cute. They keep falling asleep nuzzled into our necks and on our shoulder. I can't take it!

I am also shopping for ring. How flippin hard is that? I am also thinking about wedding venues - brain. cannot. cope!

POPPED!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

HE PROPOSED!

WE'RE ENGAGED!

I can't believe it. And best of all - he did it with kittens! I got engaged AND two kittens! I am the luckiest girl alive.

Les Mills is a bastard

Tomorrow is weigh day. And it's gonna be a whole lotta faff.

I'm making the transition to the new scales and I'm doing this while at my folk's house as TB and I are heading there tonight so we can make a sharp exit southwards for a four days of music festival mayhem.

The plan is to weigh myself on my old scales and see if I've lost any weight (if they play ball that is). I'll then weigh myself on the new scales knowing what I think I was on them last week - based on the different between the two. Whoooa! Whoa. I think my brain just melted. What the crap am I blethering on about? That was quite a bit of crazy that just leaked out there. I'm gonna weigh in and hopefully I can work out if I've lost some weight. How about that? Better. Then after that I'll chuck the old scales.

I'm feeling confident for tomorrow as on the food front over the past week, things have gone very well. I am most pleased. I've been a bit slack with exercise but I did have a couple of good gardening stints over the weekend and Bodypump on Monday. Even if I hadn't been crazy busy trying to get fancy dress costumes organised for the festival there is no way I could have moved more than the bare minimum as thanks to bodypump, walking, standing up, sitting down, lying down, sitting up - well just moving at all - is agony!

Oh my god my poor thighs are aching. It's like hot rods are being drive into my femurs by Les Mill himself. The bastard. It's not so bad once I've been moving around but if I've been sitting still for a while and then I get up. Holy fuck.There he is again.

It's an early weigh in as I've got the dentist at 8.10am so the chances are I shall update you from the waiting room. Whatever the numbers are up to, I am feeling good. I feel positive. I'm ready to keep this train a rolling.

Kablooom - thoughts everywhere

S'all going AWN! A weekend at home has me energised and raring to GO! Brain dump... engage!

• Gardened like a demon on Saturday AND Sunday. Garden is a verb, right? I probably hacked out stuff that was meant to be there but it was taking over and enough - it was promptly hauled out. Our front garden was totally overgrown and it looked really tinky. Now that all our builder type people are finished on the roof and in the basement (don't even ask how many thousands that cost) it was time to reclaim the front of the house and assure the neighbours they people who moved in next to them are not a bunch of n'er do wells. 

• I finally finished painting my bedside cabinet. It's such a pinterest cliche to say you'll buy some old furniture, sand it down and then paint it. But that's exactly what I did and it looks fricking amazing. I just have several other massive pieces to do. Wonky face.

• TB's folks came over for a barbecue on Saturday night and I've not seen his mum for about 5 weeks. Holy crap. In about 9 weeks she's lost almost 2 stone. What the hell?! She looks amazing. Amazing! She's joined slimming world and is being perfect - no cheating at all. In her first week she lost half a stone and then 4lbs the weeks after. Green. I am green. She was quite big to start with and hasn't really dieted much in her life so she's getting results. But good on her. I can't let her get away from me though! Quick- 30 squats.NOW

•  Saw a lovely rainbow in the back garden last night. Made me smile.

• Quite liking my face at the moment. Sometimes I'm not digging what I see but right now, feeling good. Having quite good hair too.

• I bought new scales. I got them on Friday morning (post run, breakfast and juice) and when I got home I weighed myself on them and the old ones. From what I can see there is a 3/4lb difference - heavier on the new ones. This means I should be 13 stone 3lbs on the new ones if I had weighed myself first thing. I'm taking them with me on Wednesday night as I'm at my folk's house that night and I'm weighing on Thursday morning before I head off to a music festival with my best pals that I've not seen for ageeeees. Also meeting a very lovely and sexy blogger there too who I have met IRL (yeah - I just typed IRL - hahhhhaaaaa) once before. It was not enough.

• I went to bodypump today for the first time in about.... oh, I dunno. Maybe two years. Maybe longer. I'm not sure it's for me. I used to go all. the.time. but I've moved on. There was a time it gave me what I needed but, I just felt like... well, it was boring. Boring! But... I may well go back - my arms, legs and back are pretty achy and sore so it's doing something.

• Finally - I just wanted to share something which has had me smiling for a wee while. When I was away, just before I went to Ireland for the wedding, I stayed at a place where there were two sisters. They are about 18 and 21 and are lovely. They are just full of life and sparkle. They are also really pretty and slim. I was chatting away to the younger of the two one night and she said that her sister and she, see me around at the events we all go to - and they would love to be like me when they are older. How nice is that. I was so touched. What a lovely thing to say. It's given me such a big smile. We actually have very similar hair (big, dark brown and wavy) and so they are joking I'm the 3rd sister. Love it!

Weigh in

My bloody scales are useless.

They are weight watchers ones that tell you all manner of useless data and apparently are SO sensitive that if you move ever so slightly when you weigh yourself that you get a different reading. This means sometimes I can get weights that are over half a stone apart. What the chuff?

I've managed to work with them by placing them on exactly the same tile in the bathroom and standing in exactly the same way and I've muddled through. Okay, so some weeks they might not be quite spot on but they trend was downwards.

However, since moving house, I lost one of the wee rubber feet on the bottom of them and its even harder now to find any sort of consistency. I spent about 25 minutes this morning faffing about with them. Ummm, no thanks. Just look at how many different readings I got - and many of them more than once.

 

The upshot is that I think I've lost a quarter of a pound. Or maybe stayed the same. I don't feel any different from last week so I'm using that as a guide too. I've had enough of this malarkey though. Time for some new scales. I want ones that show up 1/4 or more increments. Any suggestions?

Week 1: 13 stone 11.75
Week 2: 13 stone 9.75  (- 2lbs)
Week 3: 13 stone 7.5    (- 2.25lbs)
Week 4: 13 stone 8.5    (+ 1lb)
Week 5: 13 stone 6.25  (- 2.25lbs)
Week 6: 13 stone 2.5    (- 3.75lbs)

Week 7: 13 stone 2.25  (- 0.25lbs)

Total: 9.5lbs

Bring it in, people

Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm nervous. I don't think I've done enough.

I've been away at at wedding and while I really tried to choose the healthy options, I ate two puddings. TWO PUDDINGS (on two different days I hasten to add). And apart quite a bit of walking about, I've really done no exercise.

Now that I'm back at home and in more contact with food as I am cooking rather than being served (when it's actually easy to ask for the healthy option and all you can eat is what's on your plate), I seem to be giving myself portions that are bigger than I probably should be having. I'm coming back for an extra forkful. I'm eating some wine gums that were bought for the office. I'm cutting off a wee bit of bread and eating it when I'm in the kitchen. I'm opening the fridge and cupboards and looking for something to eat. Oh dear.

It stops. Now.

Today is and will continue to be flipping amazing...

Breakfast: nectarine, tiny slice of brown bread and my own marmalade (which is one of my best perseveres ever - just in case you are interested).
Lunch: chicken salad
SPIN
Dinner: veg packed fritatta
Snack: Melon

I've just come back from spin (which involved a 2km cycle there and back). I think this says it all - and this is an hour later post windy cycle home.

I wasn't expecting much from the class. Yeah, it's a fancy new leisure centre - a pretty good one for the size of town - but it's council run and I've been to a lot of different spin classes all over the country. I know good spin. Holy crap. This was good spin. There were only six of us in the class but the instructor gave it her all -a and she made sure she gave yours too. Loved. It.

Back in the habit

I'm a creature of habit. I love a routine.

Back in the great weight loss of 2011 I did some form of exercise every day (and also cycled a whole load too). It was something different everyday but the same each week.

I know it works for me and now that I'm working from home three days a week (whoopee!), now is the time to get back into the groove. So here is my plan, partly possible thanks to my new gym membership. It's a council run gym but it's all new and lovely with a load of classes.

It's quite an ambitious plan as I'm out the house for over 12 hours on a Tuesday and Wednesday but it's down there in black and white and if I really want to do it, I will. Tonight I have to drag myself out for a run when I get home and then off for spinning tomorrow lunchtime for the first time in a long, long time - and I have to cycle 2km to get there as a kick off!

Weigh in to the power of 2

Halllllooooooo blogland! I have returned from my week and a half of gallivanting about with all manner of friends and I have had so much fun.

From getting soaked to the skin to singing at the top of my voice,  camping in the countryside to car ferrying in Ireland - it's been brilliant. Yeah, when the alarm went off at 5.40am this morning I was far from amused but hey, gotta make the pennies to fund this gad-about lifestyle.

My recent healthy efforts have been geared towards this holiday and I was weighing myself the day I left. I was then going to have a 'power week' when I was away. It's was an active week with around 5km of walking every days and a distinct lack of sitting down.

So the morning of the day I was leaving for holiday rolled around very quickly and it was time to see what number the power week was kicking off on. Boom - 2.25lbs off! A bloody lovely loss but let's not forget I had gained an unexplained pound the week before. Regardless, very very happy with that. And so the power week began.

The place I was staying was catered for by a very good team. A cook team that made a fried breakfast every morning. That made quiche every lunchtime and had a Sundae bar! Oh lordy. Did not matter though. My mind was made up. Breakfast was scrambled eggs and sometimes a slice of toast with it. Lunch was half a baked potato with a load of cold meat and salad, followed by a coffee and piece of fruit. Dinner was usually something like fish with veg, chicken curry and rice or fish pie. I always said no to chips. I always said no to pasty. I always said no to pudding.

Where I did fall down was booze. Oh booze, how I love you. I mostly stuck to spirits and diet mixers which helped limit any damage. What did not help was the wine and cider I also indulged in most nights. Oops. On top of that, on several occasions dipped my hand into a big bag of crisps that was forever being passed around our group as we sat and chatted.

But as I say, I was active. On the go the whole time and also - no snacking. I knew I'd lost something as my clothes felt a little looser but you know what it's like, you begin to get bit paranoid. 'Are these jeans looser cause I've been wearing them for 3 days non stop or cause I've actually lost some weight?' Turns out my mind wasn't playing tricks on me... I got on the scales to see I'd lost 3.75lbs. Wheeeeee!

Even when I get back on the dieting bandwagon after stuffing myself silly for weeks, I don't have a big loss any more. 3lbs is a big number for me so to see that significant jump down the numbers, it felt amazing.I felt amazing. So that's me down to 13 stone 2.5lbs! 12 stone range - Imma coming to get you.

This is the most success I've had for about a year. Just over 9lbs off and I am feeling SO much better. I bought a lovely pair of trousers about 6 weeks ago from M&S. Size 18 and they are a perfect fit. Not any more! Too big! At the same time I bought the same style but in denim and a size 16. When I first tried them on they were WAY too tight. I think the word is obscene. Tried them on again yesterday - like a glove. A GLOVE! 

Week 1: 13 stone 11.75
Week 2: 13 stone 9.75  (- 2lbs)
Week 3: 13 stone 7.5    (- 2.25lbs)
Week 4: 13 stone 8.5    (+ 1lb)
Week 5: 13 stone 6.25  (- 2.25lbs)
Week 6: 13 stone 2.5    (- 3.75lbs)

Total: 9.25lbs

To love and be loved

We had a chat. A long talk where we both talked about our feelings, timings and the future.

It's easy to forget that TB is seven years younger than me. He's the one that makes me sit down and talk about things. I'm the one that just wants to get up and walk out the room. 

I wasn't ready to settle down at 26 yet that's exactly what I'm asking him to do. The discussions even got a bit philosophical at one point as we talked about why I didn't settle down sooner, meeting the right people and how much control we have over our lives.

I've been in quite a few relationships. I've been lucky enough though, that I can look back and see just how horrendous certain aspects of them were. Not one of them is a patch on TB. I could not wish for a better person to be loved by and to love. And it's because I know this, I really know it, that I want us to be married and have a family together. I would not want it if it was with someone else.

I've been in a relationship with someone who had a clear agenda that they wanted a family. I seemed like a bit of a by product. I would help him achieve that and that made me suitable. Whenever he mentioned having a family, just in passing, I could feel myself tensing up. I've always known I want a family but with him, I didn't feel excited. I felt nervous. It's the love and the security that I have in that love that makes me want it now - with TB.

All day yesterday I felt sick. I felt unsettled and I was upset that things weren't right between us. I had that feeling in my tummy. That feeling that I've not had in a long, long time. I'd forgotten how it feels to be hurt. That dull ache. Tears pricking at my eyes if I thought about things for too long. I've been so content for so long. To feel that gnawing worry, chewing away at my heart was a shock. I used to feel like that a lot. The other day read back over some of my old blogs when I was dating a lot and trying to deal with the on/off situation with Skip. All the time. I didn't like it but it made me realise just how lucky I am. I don't worry about TB and I. Ever. He's never angry with me, annoyed, tries to upset me, make me jealous. He doesn't do moods. He's got no hidden agenda. He's just... him. His lovely self.

Of course, we talked money. Finances always come into it, don't they. We've just bought a house. A very big house that needs a lot of work done to it. This is a family house and I can see our family living here. This house was made to be filled by children. I digress though - money. On Tuesday night we signed on the dotted line for eight new double glazed windows. As I type this there are three guys treating dry rot in my basement (not a euphemism!) and putting in a new staircase. These are not little jobs. They are expensive. They are thousands of pounds and there are so many big ticket expenses still to come.

The house will always be here though. I can wait another 18 months for a new kitchen. I can't wait 18 months to get married and start trying for a family. The fact of the matter is, like it or not, time is not on my side. We have to prioritise.

So we talked some more and ultimately, it was very positive. TB understands. He gets it. He loves me and I love him. More than I can explain, and that underpins everything. 

I want doesn't get

My stomach is doing knots. I get a sinking feeling deep inside and I feel hollow at the same time. The rooms seems to get bigger around me while the voices from the people sitting next to me seem a million miles away.

I take a deep breath and my fingers fly over the keys on my phone. "SO exciting!  I am so happy for you both. That's such lovely news."  The words leaving my fingertips are true. I am happy for my friends. Expecting their second baby next year, it is lovely news. But, I'm sad for me. And I am tired.

I am tired of being happy at everyone else's news.  I've been happy for so many people for so long. I've planned hen weekends, weddings, bought baby gift after baby gift, ooohed and aaaahed and dozens of baby scans. When it's all I want for myself, it's draining.

I'm actually running out of people to be happy for. I'm almost the only person out of all my friend's who isn't married or has a baby. My friends are onto their second and third children. 

And then all this is smothered in a layer of guilt. What a wretched person I am. I have a life that some people would give their eye teeth for. I love my job. I earn a good salary, I've just bought the house of my dreams. I am in a relationship better than I could ever dare to hope for. I am so SO lucky yet here I am whining and complaining. It doesn't matter though - I know what I want and I know the longer I have to wait the harder it will be.

TB could see something was bothering me last night and pressed me until I told him. I started to explain that I was tired of being happy for everyone else but I couldn't get to the end of the sentence before the tears came. I left the room to try and get it together. He followed and tried to get more out of me while I brushed it all off. "We will have our own news but we've just bought a house a few weeks ago", he said.

I don't care about the house! The house will be here forever. I'm 33. I don't have forever. He was heading out and so the conversation didn't go any further. As the front door shut behind him I lay on the bed and cried my heart out.

I was in bed sleeping when he got home. He slid into bed beside me and put his arms around me. "Are you okay?". My natural instinct is to say yes, I'm fine. To smooth everything over.  "Not really", I forced myself to reply.  He wanted to talk but I didn't have the energy. "I'm too sleepy". "When, then?", he wanted to know. "Tomorrow", I said. I fell asleep again with his arms around me, him telling me how much he loves me.

Weigh in

It was enough. What I put in over the last week was enough. It was just wasn't to be with the mother fucking scales.

That's right. I just MEFFED in the intro par. The scales can piss right off. A pound on. I've gained a pound. Well, whatevs because I feel pretty good and I know I did enough. Sure, I got my period about 30 seconds before I weighed myself but that's not something I'm really paying attention to as an influencing factor.

Cause here's what I did in all their glorious mixed up units....

Monday - 5.5km run. 6km cycle. 2 miles of power walking.
Tuesday - 4km power walk
Wednesday - 1 mile cycle, 2 miles power walk
Thursday - 5km run, 6 mile cycle
Friday - Back garden workout (total of 300 skips, 80 boxjumps, 60 burpees, 40 lunges, 10 squats)

So yeah - I am doing the right things and I know I feel better. Certainly more leg tone if nothing else. And who doesn't love leg tone?

Okay, so I can't lie - it did throw me a bit over the weekend. I may have had some chocolate here and there, and some wine, that had I seen a loss, I may have resisted. BUT... I am never defeated! I kicked off the week good style with a 5.2km run (and squats and lunges). Pow pow! I'm weighing on Friday morning. Oh yeah - it's a six day weigh week people. Sound the panic claxon! And then... the power week begins. Hang on to your breeks people (they will be falling down, you see. Too big!).

Can you tell I've had a lot of coffee today?