Buck Up

So yesterday was a bit of  a wallow fest.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I had a good sleep. I went to the gym this morning. I learned how to play e minor on the guitar last night (my first and only chord). The sun is shining. I've gotta relax and just calm the eff down.

I spoke to TB about the health thing and he was, of course, a complete sweetheart. Supportive and reassuring. I didn't quite let him see all of the crazy - that would be of no help to anyone!

Still struggling with the diet but I'm about to have an early tea and then force myself out on the velo for a few sunny miles.  Tomorrow is weigh in and I need to do something to stop me constantly wandering into the kitchen and looking in cupboards.

Everything and nothing

I'm not too sure what to blog about. I feel like there is so much going on inside my head just now that I can't concentrate on any of it. I feel like I'm getting bogged down in things and not really living my life. I feel like I'm going through the motions to a certain extent.

I was out on Friday night and was pretty drunk. Saturday rolled around and I was suitably tired and hungover. I tarted myself up and TB and I headed off to a wedding reception where I proceeded to be the life and soul of the party. Wedding reception over and I am back down to earth with a bump. Performing, flirting, showing off LoveCat replaced with tired, fat, insecure, needy LoveCat.

Then TB and I ended up having a bit of a fall out. Simply, he had stuff to do on Sunday before coming home later that night (we had been staying at his parents'). I was cross and grumpy because I wanted to spend more time together and the thought of going home on my own to sit in the flat, on my own, on the first sunny day for ages was depressing. Yes, I could have been productive and enjoyed the time to do anything I wanted - but the fact that sitting about feeling sorry for myself was what I did, says it all.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. I've been offered a maternity cover contract at the agency where I first began my career (albeit in a different office). I think it could be a good move but when I read the number of clients they want me to look after and they specific work it is, I just went into meltdown. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I won't be able to cope. I'll be terrible and they will realise they've made a mistake asking me to go back. I had a full on crying session and barely moved from the couch for hours. Just sat there feeling sorry for myself.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment. My confidence has taken a dive. I'm not in a positive place.  I'm know I'm being really needy and want TB to give me all his attention. That's not like me. Trying to work out what's going on, I think there are a few things contributing.

• Solitude. Working from home, on my own, is not good for me. I'm lonely during the day/week. My own client work is quite quiet at the moment and I'm feeling directionless.
• The thought of going back into full time work scares me. Not only working the long hours but the fact I'll have to be accountable to someone else, other than my clients, for the first time in three years. 
• I'm struggling to lose weight. I felt fat on Saturday night at the wedding reception. I'm only half a stone heavier than I was when I last wore the same dress but I could really feel the difference. In fact, I can feel the difference in all my clothes and I can see it on my body too.  What am I going to wear when I go back to work in an office? I don't actually own corporate clothes anymore. I could have gone to the gym today, but I didn't. I'm feeling down - so I didn't. Yeah, smart move. And how am I going to fit in exercise when I'm working 40 plus hours a week? The 3 to 4 times a week I am working out just now isn't enough as it is!
• Health. I'm having a few issues at the moment. Nothing that is stopping me exercising, or ever will, but there is the potential that there might be serious consequences for other areas of my life. I'm being referred so until that happens I'm not sure what's going on. I don't want to talk to my friends about it as I don't know what's going on and it's all very vague just now. I don't want to go into detail here. I don't want to let TB know how much I'm worrying and I don't want to tell my mum as she'll worry more than anyone. 

I usually end my post on a relatively positive note, as I gee myself up and think positive. Right now I'm sitting in Starbucks just trying not to cry. 

Weigh in

I love a massage. So much so that there has been some delightful number massaging going on.

Let me explain. I weighed myself on Sunday. I weighed myself today. In those three days I have lost 4.5lbs. Yeah, exactly. 4.5lbs?! What the chuff? Well you see, it's not really true. The numbers were there but I suspect the sushi, cider, wine and chip-fest that was Saturday night had something to do with 13stone 7.5lbs flashing up on the scales on Sunday morning and today's 13 stone 3lbs is a much more real weight.

Whatever the case I am relieved to be moving away from the higher numbers. I'm 13stone 3lbs and while I am unhappy about this... very unhappy, I am feeling very positive. I'm not a million miles away from the 12's and if I can get into a steady groove then a loss of a pound a week will see me hitting FF in time for a two week camp I am going to in mid July. I also have a wedding reception on Saturday night and a wedding in two weeks time. While I'm not going to lose any significant weight between now and then (especially not Saturday!) just being in control, not bloated and a few pounds down for the all day wedding will make me feel 100 times better.

Loving the messages of support in my comments and I've teamed up with a gorgeous blogger who is keen to get back on the straight and narrow too, for some inbox loving. 

I've updated my starting weight to today's as it's the highest I've seen since I passed it on the way down. Gym workout done this morning and am cycling to the supermarket after work. Here we go!

Starting Weight: 185 pounds
Current Weight: 185 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 0

Regression

Things have slipped. The yo yo that I so smugly thought I had kicked into touch seems to have spun back into view.

Since I got back from holiday (and indeed before I went) I just couldn't seem to dredge up any motivation. This year has been a washout in terms of weight loss. I've stopped and started and fannied about time after time. My mum have had the same conversation so many times that I could actually just tape it and replay it. "Right, this is it. I'm going to get my head down. A few good weeks could make such a difference. I know I can do this."

But instead of getting my head down, I found myself slipping into a mental rut which had me thinking thoughts such as: "One more day. I could just have one more day of eating. I might as well." Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Last week I muddled through. I had a good day here and there. Note that I said good, not great. The fact of the matter is that I need to have great days to lose weight. 85% effort is not good enough. The weekend before had been horrendous. Rolls and sausage for breakfast, chocolate, chinese takeaway - enough booze to sink a ship and so weighing myself on Wednesday (my birthday) was not an option. However, I did get up and go to the gym. Sadly, it was all downhill from there and over the weekend I indulged in everything I wanted to - and more. And then even more. The reason for this is that I decided to weigh myself on Sunday morning. And as so many dieters will know, if you are about to get back on the straight and narrow - you stuff yourself silly. Stupidity. Total and utter mental behaviour. The kind of behaviour I thought I had left far behind. Apparently not.

I woke up on Sunday morning and amid the empty chips and cheese cartons I saw my starting weight for this next wave. It's not good. In fact, it's pretty bloody horrendous. So horrendous that I'm not ready to reveal all.  I can feel where the weight has gone back on. I can see where the weight has gone back on. All my clothes are tight. I feel uncomfortable - and I hate it. So - here is the plan....

I weighed myself on Sunday morning. I'm going to weigh myself again on Wednesday morning (tomorrow). That's only three days but the truth of the matter is that I don't think I have it within me to keep on the straight and narrow for seven whole days. I'm hoping I can have dropped a good few pounds by tomorrow morning to give me the boost that will drive the motivation that has been so seriously lacking.

By the last few weeks' standards the past few days have been excellent in terms of my diet. Yesterday could have been slightly tighter but overall I am pretty pleased with myself. I've been battling a cold and have been feeling pretty wiped out and so while I managed the gym yesterday - that's been about it on the exercise front. I'm going out for a small cycle this afternoon which is better than nowt. So we will see what this shows up on the scales in the morning. Ugh.

All change

Okay - so I didn't get the job. Not because I wasn't good enough - because they changed their minds about the role altogether! I've been told I was the preferred candidate but they just changed their minds about what the really need someone to do in that job - and it changed completely.

When I found out yesterday I was raging. Absolutely furious. What a waste of time. In fact, forget the time - the emotional investment alone was exhausting. I could rant on and on about it but where is the reasoning in that. It's done and there is nothing I can do about it. Rolling out my personal catchphrase... onwards! I also have something else in the pipeline...

It's Friday today and I have a lovely weekend planned as my brother and sister in law are coming to stay  - just what I need some fun ying to balance the heavy yang. And in keeping with that, here are some outfit pics. First up, I want to say how much I dislike this bathroom. It's the worst room in our flat - it does have a huge mirror though.

I bought this very light cotton skirt from H&M the other day. It's actually ideal for wearing to camp as it dries really quickly and I can bang my wellies on with my leggings too. It does highlight the size of my hips quite a lot and actually makes them look bigger if you ask me (true!) but you can't have it all, right?

You can also clock my beloved boy too. I can't even get peace in the bathroom! 

 My hair is getting really long (it's even longer st the back) and when I wear it up I usually just stick it into a top knot but it's getting that there is too much hair for that and it's sore after a few hours. So today I thought I'd go for something a bit different. God, I love a bit of backcombing.

Back to life, back to reality

There's been lots of relationship chat from me recently and now I'm about to give you lots of work chat. But what's missing from this picture. That's right - dieting, exercise and general healthy eating chat. It's all gone a bit wrong lately and truth be told I am struggling.

I'm not in the mood to talk about it or try and gee myself up. I'm just taking it a day at a time and as today is my birthday (hello 32!) I shall not allow myself to feel pissed off about it (until tomorrow!).

So what's been happening in the world of work. Well, as some of you who have been reading for a while will know, the freelance lifestyle is one I love but I'm struggling with the lack of stability and the solitude. If I was raking in screeds of money then I could cope with the solitude - I'm sure most people could. Sadly the reality is that I'm just not making the kind of money I should be. And living in a new city is great but if I want to really feel like I am living here and have my own life, and not just one with TB then working full time within a team is the ideal way to do this, to meet new people and to feel like I'm doing something that's just for me. 

Therefore I've been keeping my eye on the jobs market. Just seeing what's out there and if anything piques my interest. Well, a couple of weeks ago something did. It's very similar to what I do currently but it's an in-house position. It sounded fairly interesting and I won't lie - my eyes nearly popped out their sockets when I saw the salary. Holy crap. Holy. Crap. I fired off my CV to the recruitment consultant who send it to his client that afternoon - at 4.45pm. At 8.30am the next morning the wheels were in motion to take things to an interview stage. I was going on holiday and so the only available time before I went was 1pm that day. Have I already said Holy crap? Well, I'll say it again - Holy crap.

When I heard I had around 4 hours to prep for the interview the first thing that sprang into my mind was 'What the chuff am I going to wear?!'. This job is for a big corporate. I am a creative independent! I don't even own a pair of black trousers! One black shirt dress and a pair of lilac suede heels later I was cramming like a mad woman for the role. Off I trotted to the interview. I thought it went well - apart from when they asked me what my biggest weakness was. What? Who asks these horrendous questions anymore?! I ended up wittering on about how I used to be bad at asking for advice and a more experienced opinion but as I've developed over the years I know that can be very useful. So... I didn't even admit to having a weakness. Ha!

Fast forward a few days and I get a call when on holiday to tell me I've made it through to the second round. I'm down to the final two. Jesus. This shit just got real. I could be trading in my free and easy (and skint) lifestyle for the big bad corporate world. This could actually happen. I might actually have to get out of my bed before 8am!

I get told interview two is a CV run through with HR. I can't quite see how that can be the case and so I cram up as much as possible. Thank god I did. The CV run through turns out to be an hour and a half long grilling from my would be boss's boss - and two members of the department. Insane. It was question after question after question. Relentless. I get my cool and got through it. The last question was a bastard though and by that point my brain had melted. I didn't really answer it very well  but I think I did enough.

So that was a couple of weeks ago and I am expecting to hear any day now if I've got it. Ugh. My stomach flips even just thinking about it. The recruitment consultant has told me I'm considered to be the stronger candidate at the moment. Ummm, that means nothing! Have I got the job or not?!

This is just a quick overview of what's been going on, not really how I've been feeling about it all. I've had so many feelings throughout this whole process -it's been an emotional roller coaster. The kind where you can't stop laughing one minute and then think you are going to spew your ringer then next. I want the job but it scares me shitless. Not just the actual job, the day to day tasks but going back to work for someone else - reporting in.... and then there are the hours I'll be working. I've done it before and I know I can do it again but the desire and the need for this job are two very different things.

Chances are I'll hear tomorrow or the next day and then I'll have a whole new set of emotions to get my head around - no matter what the case. Ugh.

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.

We lay on the bed and I tried to explain how I was feeling without sounding like a nag, like a moany girlfriend putting the pressure on.

There was a lot of talk. There were several silences. I tried to escape a couple of times under the pretence of getting a drink but he wouldn't let me go. There was more talking.

I've been thinking about us and about what I want for us - and what that means in terms of timings. I've been doing that a lot. More than I probably should. I am going to be 32 next week. 32. I am not a girl with years ahead of me. If I want to get married and have a family then things need to start moving before it's too late. Time is not on my side. This is what I had to gently put across to TB. It was becoming all to clear he had no idea this is what I've been thinking.

First of all, when I suggested that he sounded like was dismissive of marriage, he said, "I am. I am dismissive of marriage!". When he said that I was taken aback. I thought we had talked about this. I thought we both had the same values and ideals when it came to the big life decisions. Dismissive of marriage? News to me, pal.

As the talking went on I realised that the two conversations we have had about marriage and children were pretty quick conversations and while I have remembered every word of them (and in fact you can read about them here) TB has forgotten them 10 seconds after they happened. To him, we were talking about something way off in the future. Something that didn't have to be thought about for a long time. It's a year since we last talked about things - and to me that's a long time. To him, it was a general conversation, something that didn't really need to be thought about not a marker in time.

When I asked him why he was dismissive of marriage he had to give it some thought before explaining it was because it was just something that he'd not really thought about or that he thought he would have to think about for years. A WHAT? Years? No. Just, no. 32 does not have years.

A resounding yes was my answer when he asked if I was thinking about marriage in the next year or two. He seemed shocked by this. Again, I had to go back to the fact that time is moving on and it's not going to stop. I also told him that while I'm not an overly girly person who bangs on about weddings or babies it didn't mean that I didn't feel the same things that those girls do - or that want those things.

32. That was the theme of the whole discussion. It's not old. Not at all but in terms of getting married and planning a family - it's the wrong side of 30. I am not willing to wait until I am 35 to start trying for a family. If something is wrong or there are complications then my chances of sorting things out are greatly reduced. I could cry just thinking about it. I told him all this. It's not old if you have a plan - if you know how you want to move things forward. TB, it would seem has no plan.

"I suppose I just don't think of you as 32. As being older" said TB. That's great in a way. I'm happy that the seven years between us in not an issue. But with that comment it all falls into place. He's got  his head in the sand. He doesn't actually realise that he needs to take a good look around and act accordingly.

He thought for a few minutes without saying anything and we both just lay there, looking at the ceiling. The next thing he said explains why I love him. This is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. This is why I want children - I want them with him. Us together is the reason.  "Well, if that's the way it's got to be then I suppose I don't have a problem with it." "It's just that I found out about it ten minutes ago" he joked.

Some of you might read that and think his response isn't the right one, that I've backed him into a corner. He's just saying what I want to hear, even though he doesn't. I don't see it like that . He's listened to what I have to say. To what I want. He's realised I can only compromise so much but the facts are just that - facts and they cannot be changed. He's altered what he though, he's changed his view, he's willing to get married and have children earlier than he though he would - because for us it has to happen earlier. Later is not an option. He is thinking about US.

We have ways of making you talk

I didn't mean to turn that last post into a cliff hanger but this weekend has just been mental (in an amazing way;  been hanging out with all manner of lovely people) and I was away with work until last night. But I am back and with me I bring the continuation of the fall out from TB's flippant anti marriage comments. This is looooong and so I'll post up what I can just now and try and come back to it later this evening.

So, TB had texted me to check if I was still meeting him after work. I knew that he was going to ask me what was wrong and so earlier in the day I had called one of my best mates (Let's call her Mrs Manners because she goes tits if she doesn't get a thank you note, and the like). Mrs Manners is married to a bloke who is 5 years younger than her and she pretty much told him they had to start trying for a baby whether he liked it or not. They now have a gorgeous wee girl - not that I want that just yet but she has had some tough chats with him in the past few years and I knew she would understand how I felt.

I explained the situation and she soon grasped that while I felt like I needed to say something, I didn't want to put the pressure on and make TB freak out. And I didn't want to get into a big assed discussion. They are so draining and such hard work as you agonise over each and every word while you try and make yourself understood without letting all the crazy out. TB has no idea how much crazy there is - and I don't just mean my crazy. I mean lady crazy. I think if men really knew how much we think about things they would have us all locked up if they could. I've done well at coming across as laid back and relaxed about life things but that's is not an accident. That has been on purpose! Anyway, I digress. We came up with this little speech...

"I don't want to have a big discussion about it but you know what's important to me and what I want out of life and, because I'm sensitive about it, your comments last night about marriage got to me."  I was ready to say this, I just had to find the right moment. I met TB and we went shopping where he spent a lot of money on me. It's my birthday next week and he was buying my present early. He was so generous - which made me feel a complete biatch for being cool with him throughout the shopping trip - but it was just crap timing. We stopped off at the supermarket on the way home and it was in  the fish aisle that he decides to make me tell him what's wrong. Way to pick a time and a place TB! He told me he wouldn't stop tickling me until I told him and so as we made our way to the pet food aisle I trundled out my little speech.

"Well you were going on about it quite a bit. I mean, you were discussing what metal was best!" he replied.
"So I'm not allowed to talk about it? Joke about it?"
"In my defence it felt as if we were there in the jewellers." His tone had changed from chatty to a bit annoyed.

Right then - so from that I took it that he most definitely did not have visions of that happening anytime soon. I didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything.  As we stood in the queue to pay he continued to chat away and try and engage with me as normal. I just stood there. My mind was blank. What did this mean? What should I say next? This is not how I thought 'the chat' would go. He tried to get me talk. I just shook my head and breathed out, actually at loss for what to say. All I could say was, "This is.... hard... It's just..." And I tailed off.

We got in the car, heading home. He put his had on my leg. "I don't want you to fall out with me. I'm going away for four days in the morning and I don't want to go away with you not talking to me."
"I've not in a huff with you, I'm in a huff about what you said." I replied.

A few minutes later we pulled up at home and took the shopping in. We had barely set foot in the door when TB pushed me through into the bedroom and made me lie down with him on the bed. "Right - talk. You're not going anywhere until you start talking."

Duck and cover

There are two things I REALLY want and need to talk about. Both are time sensitive but I don't have time to talk about them both. I'm going to go with the emotional/boy chat just now and then early next week I can tell you the outcome of the other thing.

So, here's the background... of late, there have been several mentions, well more like cheeky wee references, to marriage. Just the odd thing such as TB's Granny telling him I was a nice girl and to get a ring on there - which he told me she said, and so on.

Last night in bed we got to talking about precious metals (don't ask how we got there) and TB jokingly mentions a metal he likes. It's a metal you use to make nuts and bolts. Oooh - hilarious. What a joker. I then said 'No, no - you want to get platinum or white gold. You don't want anything that's going to chip." This chat went on for a minute more and then TB says, "Why are we talking about this anyway? I don't want a ring. I'm not even thinking about that."

Right, let me just remove that bombshell from where it's landed ON MY FACE. I recoiled, actually recoiled - and then rolled over with my back to him. "Leap year is over for this year" he added.

What the chuff? WHAT? He then realised I was not happy and tried to cuddle in, checking I was okay. Ummm, no - not okay. Not at all. We went to sleep with me still quiet, my back to him. In the morning more of the same. He tried to chat to me but I was still quiet. I thought we were both roughly on the same page. Was I completely wrong? He went off to work with me grunting goodbye from the bed. Later that morning, a lovely nicey-nice text pinged in from him. What was I up to, was I still meeting him after work. I replied nicely - but still with a cool edge. Not because I was trying to be a boot but simply because I did feel cool. In fact, there was a decided chill in the air but I don't think he realised where it was coming from...

... to be continued.

Back - and bigger

Well Howdy Doody!

How are you my sweets? I am just dandy and have been very busy of late - so much to tell!

I'm not going to lump everything into one post so here's a quick topliner...

My holiday in Italy was just lovely. The pissing rain, thunder and lightning - not so much. I think there were two days that it didn't rain at all but I still had to wear my hat (I bought on the first day) the whole time. Pretty damn chilly. It was still a great holiday. We saw lots, we slept lots and we ate lots. Well, I certainly did. Pizza, ice cream and featured heavily. I think I may have cried with sheer unadulterated pleasure when I devoured Kinder ice cream. It was filled with huge chunks of kinder chocolate. Insane.

It was also really nice to hang out just the two of us, TB and I. Lots of hand holding and kissing in public (apparently that's the done thing in Italy!) and just getting along brilliantly. 

The Plan, you remember - the one where I was going to go hell for leather with the healthy eating and exercise until the morning I went on holiday - well, it wasn't so much of a plan and more like a notion I maybe had for 17 seconds. I'm afraid it did not happen. In fact, if anything, the reverse did. I started eating with gay abandon several days before we went on holiday and that pretty much continued until last night (despite going to the gym yesterday morning). But, today is Wednesday and this morning the scales and I were reunited. It's been 19 days since my last weigh in and I've put on..... 7lbs! Yup - half a stone has lumped on. Oops.

I was in denial a little bit, thinking I had got away with still being in the 12stones but when 13stone 2.5lbs flashed up there was no escape. And then to add insult to injury - I saw this picture of me taken at the weekend. You can practically tell what make of pants I am wearing!

So what am I going to do about it? Well, how about this crazy idea; I'm going to STOP FAFFING ABOUT. It's time get get serious. I know what to do. Not only is that eating the right foods and working out but it also involves cutting out sneaky mouthfuls and tastes of things that have no place in my gob. It's back to tracking and logging. Dull - but necessary.

I'm heavier than I was at my first 2012 weigh in - not cool. I want to get the hell outta the 13s asap and down down down into the 12s. There are so many things coming up (no holidays!) so it's time to bust some moves.

Weigh in

It's been a good week. Lots of activity and my diet has been excellent too. I got on the scales this morning and was rewarded with a 0.75lbs loss, taking me to 12 stone 9.5lbs.

It's not a huge loss and I feel like I deserved to hit the pound mark, but it's not to be. I did drink rather a lot of wine on Friday and Saturday... The less said about that the better - I was pretty damn pissed.

Exercise for the week was...

Friday: 3 mile brisk walk
Saturday: Dance class (part of a hen do)
Sunday: Nothing
Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: Gym. 22 minutes of sprints, resistance work, 5 mins rower, kettlebells, 10 mins spinning
Wednesday: Gym. 20 mins treadmill (10 running, 10 sprints), lunges and biceps, 10 mins spinning
Thursday: 40 mins boxercise, 10 mins treadmill (10.3kmph)

That feels like a lot for just 3/4 of a pound. But it's a loss and it's all heading in the right direction. I feel really good - toned and not so wobbly and my fitness is good. I'm now running at 10.3kmph as my base speed. For me, that's amazing. So I'm concentrating on the positives and trying not to let that negative voice get too loud that is telling me, "but you're just the same weight you were 7 months ago. What have you been doing? You've tried to lose weight all this time but you've even struggled to maintain."

My counter argument to that is that I've lost almost half a stone this year. My body fat is lower (by a ball hair - but it's lower!) and I'm still in the 12stones. That is still amazing to me. The fact I've lost two stone and I've kept it off feels great. This is what I look like now. This is how I feel now. I'm never going back.

So how does this affect The Plan? Well, to get into FF I need to lose 2.25lbs IN ONE WEEK. Now, while this is possible, it is also highly unlikely. So what am I going to do? I'm going to go for it, of course! Chances are I'm not going to do it - but I'm sure as hell gonna try my best.

Realistically if I could see 12 stone 7.75lbs I would be happy. In fact, I would be happy with a loss at all. But, I've decided I am going to batten down the hatches like they have never been battened (?).

So what hurdles lie ahead. Tonight, we are staying at TB's folks and will be having dinner with them. Chances are there will be a pudding - and we'll probably get given an Easter Egg each. On Sunday my mum is having an Easter Party. It'll be a buffet style meal but I already know my mum is making individual creme brulees and some other profiterole type creations. Yes,  I am my mother's daughter - we love our puddings! My only saving grace is that under her watchful gaze I won't be tempted to snaffle something  into my chubby cheeks.

Starting Weight: 183 pounds
Current Weight: 177.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.75
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 5.5lbs

Baby don't care for me

I didn't know if the day would ever really come. But lo... I think it's here. I think... I'm broody. Oh dear.

I'm not a huge child fan. I mean, I like them - but I'm very much of the school of thought that life goes on and while it changes completely once you become a parent, you don't have to change as a person. You DEFINITELY do not have to become an almighty bore, which seems to be quite a challenge for many.

I'm also very much aware that children are just that - children. There is a differentiation between children and adults, something that a lot of people are not quite able to grasp the concept of. If I am talking it is rude to interrupt no matter if you are 40 or 4 - yet many parents seem to this is okay. Ummm   - no. I wasn't allowed to interrupt when grown ups were talking when I was a child and if I have any children they sure as hell won't be allowed either.

The point I am making here is that I like kids but I'm not mad about them. I won't coo at your child in the street. I won't think they are cute if they smile, when really they are burping. I am just not that way inclined. However, I am quite a 'mum' and in fact I used to get called that at uni all the time. I love taking care of people and organising things for them, making sure they have everything they need and are taking care of themselves too. I like cooking and playing games and making dens and showing how to do things. I love cuddles.

I've sort of managed to ignore it though as despite being almost 32 years of age, very few of my friends have babies. Until now. My best friend from school has a 6 month old baby. My other best friend from school just gave birth to a boy on Saturday. I know 5 other people who are due before October. It's suddenly become very real.

I was hanging out with my friend and her 6 month old on Saturday - and suddenly things have changed. The baby is now fun. She's aware of what's going on, smiles, chats away, giggles and is so cuddly. I think my heart just about melted when I caught a moment between the two. That instant when the baby realises that it's their mum they are looking at - and the look on their face is sheer joy. That bond, that connection - well it hit me right in the guts.

So this is all fine, right? Some sort of baby radar was bound to kick in at some point. It's not for everyone and I think if you don't want kids then good on you. It's not an easy decision to make and often you are judged for it but for me - I've always known I've wanted children. It's just been 'yes I want them, but not yet.'

The reality is that I've not been in a position to even think about having them. The Highlander and I were together from the age of 19 - 27. So yeah, that would have been a likely time but he was so lame at committing (when it suited him) that the phrase of "How can I look after a child when I can barely look after myself" was always rolled out when the topic came up - despite the fact he had a baby 6 months ago with his bird of 1.5 years. That's beside the point  as I actually dodged a bullet there. And then for the most part, I was single for 2 and a half years before Moonraker and then TB, living the life of Riley and having the time of my life (along with some heartache and tough times along the way). Again - no time for thoughts of babies as pleasing myself was top of the agenda. People used to say to me, "You have got such a great life; always going out, going on holiday; having fun", but now that I'm settled down - the tables have turned. Those people have got something which I am now realising, I covet.

There is also the fact that I feel like I'm being left behind. I want to be sharing these experiences with my friends but there is only so much you can do so when they are baby brained up to the max. It's hard to offer advice (something that used to be 'my thing') and support when you have no clue what you are talking about. It also contradicts the way I've led my life so far. I've always been the first to do things; leaving school, getting a car, moving ahead in my career, buying a flat. It feels weird to be last for once. It's not a real reason for wanting a child but none the less - it still feels weird to me.

So what am I waiting for? Let's procreate! It's not that simple though, it is? I love TB with every fibre of my being. He's the one for me - and that's it. I cannot see a future without him, nor do I want to. And for that I know I am so lucky. I could be feeling the way I do right now - but still be single. I've been lucky enough to find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life - who is good for me and to me. But we've only been together for a year and a half and living together for 4 months of that. I also want to do things in the traditional order - marriage and then babies. This is all possible but there's going to have to be some compromise. I'm going to be 32 in a month. TB is only turning 25 in June. Those seven years are beginning to become an issue.

I know he doesn't want children yet. In fact, we had a conversation a year ago in which he said that he was worried that in two years I would want babies and he's sure he won't want babies then. Ha! Forget two years, how about one year? So where does that leave me? Well, if I do want to get married first that's not going to happen before next summer. And even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon then that is two years after that conversation! Can you tell how much I've been thinking about this?

The fact of the matter is I am not getting any younger. Time is not on my side. Realistically, if we get married and decide we want to have a family this is not going to happen until I am around 34. And then I have to hope that it does happen and there are no complications. My biggest fear is that we leave it too late.

This is all good and well that I have a plan and am trying to be as realistic as possible - but this plan needs two people. How do I go about getting TB on-side? Well, it's not so much about getting him on-side as him getting his head around the timings and the knock on effect of everything -without me scaring him senseless and him running off into the hills with a 18 year old with a banging hardbody.

Well, there have been a few baby comments floating around recently and that's good.  A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone's baby and we were laughing about something to do with having children. I then thought I would wind him up a bit...

"Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my biological clock ticking!"
"I know!" he replied in quite an alarmed tone.
"It's going really slowly though", I said, trying to sound very relaxed about the whole thing - and noting his immediate response.
"But it's not. It's not going slowly!"

I didn't say anything else and just left it at that.  But I was quite pleased, in a way, that he does have a grasp on the concept that we (I) can't hang around forever. I didn't think he was thinking like that at all so that was news to me.

So here is my general thought process... Life is great right now. I am having a brilliant time - doing all the things I want to do, spending time with the people I want to. I'm not going to wish that away. Please don't think that for one moment that having a baby is all I can think about. Yes, it's on my mind a lot at the moment but it's just because I am starting to deal with emotions and feelings that are new to me.

TB and I have been together two years in September. I would hope that a proposal is on his mind around that time - or before the end of the year. If there is no sign of movement by the two year mark then I'm going to start dropping hints being a bit more upfront about it. And if by the end of the year nothing has happened then it's time for a more serious chat.

In the meantime, I need to relax, enjoy myself and not worry about something that I'm sure will happen when the timing is right.