Weigh in

This weigh in update comes to you from the numbers 12 and 16.

12 because I am in the 12 stones! Waaaaaaaaa! 

16 because I am wearing a pair of size 16 jeans! Haaaaaaaaa!

It was a happy happy scene this morning in my bathroom as I weighed in at 12 stone 12lbs. That’s a loss of 3lbs from last week. Boom! I am so bloody happy. My big tantrum last week about staying the same was a complete waste of time as, of course, it all showed up this week.  I did work really hard though and battled through feeling shitey to gym it.  

When I was at boot camp (or, as I refer to it in real life, on my walking holiday) I got down to 12 stone 11lbs. That was for about 3 seconds and until I ingested the tiniest modicum of salt. Apart from then, the last time I was this weight was 2006 – six freaking years ago people! I feel fucking amazing. 

However, I was already feeling pretty damn smug as I went shopping yesterday. The whole affair was pretty stressful what with the bulging racks of sale stuff (which is all utter pish), the realisation that although I need a size 34 D bra to fit the size of my body, I just don’t have the goods to fill it anymore and not having a clue what to buy as I’m pretty much starting from almost nothing (hardly anything I have fits and what I do have is old and tatty), I came away victorious. 

I made three purchases which had me forgetting about the scale and thinking about the bigger picture.

1.      

1. Pants. I love a pack of five pants from M&S, bikini style. I bought a pack of size 16s.    
2. Workout trousers. I always go for the ones made from a more jogging bottom style of material. No more. I bought a skin tight, lycra-esque pair from H&M. Size – large. I wore them to spinning last night and I felt really good in them.
3. Jeans. The ultimate shopping nightmare. Throw in the fact just about the ONLY style on the go right now is ‘skinny’and I am a 33 leg (yes,I know it doesn’t exist) I was not feeling the denim love. I tried on a lot of pairs and eventually settled for a size 16 straight leg from Dotty P. They fit – but not only are they tight, they are also VERY straight legged and one millimetre away from being skinny jeans. I feel pretty damn good in them though and every other pair of size 16 jeans and shorts I tried on, fitted. Ha! 

Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 180 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 24.25 pounds

Weigh in. Faffage.

Another bloody week has passed since I updated. I remember when I used to crack a blog off most days! Admittedly that was when I worked for someone else and I was chained to a desk 8 hours a day and finding a sneaky 20 minutes every day wasn't a problem.

Now that I work for myself that extra 20 minutes is spent in bed, reading a book, on the phone, looking at holidays and reading other blogs. Or my fave - general faffing. I've discovered I'm quite the expert.

So what's been happening avec moi. Well Mad March Mayhem (MMM) is still underway. Admittedly there have been a few slip ups along the way. The first four days were stellar; the weekend, not so much. TB and I went out for dinner and that involved wine. Although no pudding, but a heap of booze. On Sunday we were at his folks' for tea. The meal wasn't so bad but I did eat lots of bread and butter with the soup and pudding was apple pie and custard! I'm not that mad about fruit puddings or custard and so I would normally have just had a tiny bit just to be polite but before I knew what was happening it was served up before me! I suppose I could have left some but I didn't. A few other naughties slipped in too. Some tablet, a choc hob-nob, some baguette and some crisps.

Yesterday and Monday  (back home by this point) I really struggled. I've eaten about 5 Vimto ice lollies and most of a big bag of boiled sweets over two days. Not good.

That does sound like quite a few negatives. But let's look at the positives.

• The meals I had a choice in were all pretty damn good.
• I pushed for healthier options when eating with TB
• I did a 10 mile bike ride
• I did the 30 day shred video (yes, I know it was just one day)
• I played squash for 1 hour and 20 mins
• I went to the gym yesterday
• I walked lots on Saturday during the day

I weighed in this morning, 8 days after the first weigh in. I was hoping for some sort of loss as last week's numbers were brutal. I'm delighted to report I lost 3.75lbs. Huzzah! At that, my dear readers takes me back down to the weight I was at the very beginning of the year. Honestly, nine weeks of faffing (see!) and I'm in just the same place. Good grief!

Starting Weight: 200.5 pounds
Current Weight: 200.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3.75 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 0 pounds

I NEED to get into the 13s. STAT. I've not been in them at all this year. Poor show Love Cat. Poor show. They are only 5 pounds away. I got away with a loss this week. I need to screw the nut and have a fan-bloody-tastic seven days. I'm having a really quiet weekend (well, busy seeing lots of folk but I'm not drinking) and so there is no reason why I can't.

Onwards and downwards mes amies. x

Let it all out

This is a pretty big update so grab a cuppa and get comfy - I certainly did in order to write this beast (leopard print slanket, I salute you).


Let's tackle the 'biggest' issue of them all. Oh goodie!

Weigh In.
Disappointing. The whole thing is disappointing and I feel pretty uninterested about it all. Last week I lost a whole 0.75 of a pound. Big Wow. I know it was only six days, not a full week, and one of those was a little dodgy as I had afternoon tea but I worked out on four of the days. 4! And I worked hard. I was really hoping for more but I didn't have time to mope over the numbers as I had to rush off to jump on the train to London. I was away for a long weekend with some girlfriends - again another bloomin hurdle.

I arrived in London town, having eaten just sushi and grapes on the 7 and a half hour train journey (serious delays; thank god for series 3 of mad men was downloaded on my laptop). I eventually got to my friend's place and had a small portion of pasta in a tomato sauce. We went out for a few drinks and then off to bed. Nothing remarkable there but what happened the next day was. We had brekkie at home (grapefruit and toast & banana) and then went off to a wander and then to Borough Market. This place is choc a block with stalls selling all manner of amazing food, cakes, sweets and treats. I had a seafood wrap. The rest of the girls had cake, fudge and baklava. I had a coffee. I know. I  know!

The rest of the weekend followed suit. Biscuits were passed around. I declined. Chocolates were eaten. Not for me. I would have loved to have indulged but for some reason I wasn't actually that bothered. So I chose not too. How odd and most unlike me. We ate out every night and I'm sure that food wasn't so healthy but I chose sensibly and as no-one ever had a pudding, I wasn't put in the position of having to turn one down.

Well done me! On Monday I got home. I felt just as fat as always. What's the point I thought and I picked and ate things I shouldn't have over the next three days. I also sat on my back side and didn't work out once.

I weighed in this morning and I lost half a pound. Hmmm. What is wrong with my brain? I could have kept on track these past three days and probably lost more! What a complete eejit. Overall this year I've lost 3 and a half pound. Jeezo woman, that's pathetic. I should be losing that in a week. I know the overall trend is downwards and yes, that is good, but gaaaaaaaa! I want results! A week of exercising and being on plan and solid loss of a couple of pounds is all I want. Of course, eating a bag of mini eggs and a load of caramel shortbread (as I have just done) isn't going to help, now is it?

Starting Weight: 200.5 pounds
Current Weight: 197 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 3.5 pounds


I'm only going to blether on about one other topic just now as you'll be sending up the zzzz's by the end of this post, if not sooner.

Boys, boys, boys
Well, to be more specific - one boy; TB. We've now been together almost six months. Stop the press! I'm not surprised as it feels really right but part of me is a bit shocked that we've made it this far. And I do think we'll make it even further. We're talking about going on holiday in May and August and even something about December was uttered from his lips the other night!

So while it's all good I've realised that I need a lot more reassurance than I thought I did, as at times I can feel the insecurity monster taking over. It takes me a while to show my softer side but once it's out there is no stopping it. I am forever sending him 'nice' texts, kisses late at night or first thing in the morning just as I know he is waking up. He's not so good at it. When we're face to face he is lovely but I think he's kind of gone into boyfriend cruise control mode when we're apart - which when it's sometimes two weeks at a time, isn't good. Wait, I feel bad saying that. He is great.

We speak on the phone every day and always just before going to sleep. He always remembers things he wants to tell me and tells me all about his job and remembers everything I tell him (well, almost everything). So he's pretty damn good. He's even taking Monday off work so we can spend more time together this weekend. What a boy, but sometimes I feel that I'm sending a lot of niceness and thinking of you-ness and in return, I'm not getting a lot back.

 I pulled him up about is and he replied with a text saying 'I refer you to 2.34am on February 9th.' Yeah, he said something vaguely nice almost 2 weeks ago. I replied with 'exactly'. He responded with something rubbish which I promptly ignored. Half an hour later he called. I knew he would be expecting me to be huffy and so I was anything but. Chatty and chirpy  - just told him I was stating the facts.

I think I need to cut him a break though. He is lovely and considerate. I am need far more reassurance than I ever thought I did, or ever have wanted from anyone else. Interesting...

Gone pearshaped

It's been a week since my last post. A week is a long time in the life of a dieter and I think we all know that radio silence from me usually means that I am too busy stuffing my face for me to give blogging a second thought.

I don't know what’s wrong with me. Why do I do this to myself time and time again? I weighed myself on Thursday and I'd lost a pound a half. I was pleased with the loss but the truth is I wanted more. I felt like I'd worked hard enough for more. I wasn't satisfied. I kept on the straight and narrow until Thursday night (big wow, a whole 8 hours) when I arrived at TB's house. After that it all just turned to shit and it's been that way since. Truly horrendous. Even as I type this I'm all glassy eyed as I've got so much sugar pumping through my veins. If you cut me open you wouldn't find blood, there would be condensed milk.

If you have ever watched shows like The Biggest Loser, they are always trying to find out why people have gotten so fat; what is the underlying reason? I always say it's simply because I like food. I love eating and happen to be very good at it. In fact, I can remember writing a post about that very subject away back in 2005. Dear god, 2005! Is it really my 6th year of doing this? Anyway, my point is that I never thought I had an underlying reason or other issues but the all of a sudden the reality of my fears and insecurities became apparent. Who knows why but it just seemed to come to me the other night, out of thin air.

I do love food and I have formed an unhealthy relationship with it, which is now habitual.  What I also now realise is that yes, there is a bit more to it. If you know me this sounds completely absurd as I am a confident person and have a really positive attitude but.... what if I was thin and someone decided they didn’t like me. It wouldn’t be because I’m fat. It would be because of me- the person that I am. Fat is easy to hide behind – in more ways than one. It’s my blubbery safety blanket but, in what warped world it is better to be fat just so I can blame things on my size rather than who I am? What a weirdo! 

This is all very self indulgent and while it may or may not be true, it doesn’t detract from the fact. I am struggling. Whatever the reasons are, I feel like I’m losing the plot. Every day I wake up with the best intentions. I want to stick to the plan, any plan, but after only a few hours the ‘just one more day’ thoughts creep into my head. And that’s all it takes. Just one thought like that and the day is a write off. 

There is no doubt that being with TB makes dieting harder. Not impossible, but harder. However, I’m not seeing him again until a week on Saturday. I’ve had the best part of two weeks to eat all the right things, go to the gym and look after myself. I’m throwing that opportunity away. What am I playing at? Why am I behaving like this? I am at the upper end of my weight range and if I’m not careful it’s going to rocket up even higher. I do not want to go back there.

All it would take for me to feel a million times better is half a stone. 7 pounds. I’d still have plenty of work to do but that half stone makes all the difference in terms of clothes fitting and me feeling good about myself.  So if it’s only half a stone, what am I waiting for? The freaking second coming? At this rate it feels more likely that Jesus Christ himself will turn up at my door with a vat of water he’s about to turn into wine for us both to get shitfaced on than I'll lose some serious weight.

You might notice there are a lot of questions being posed in this post. I am asking myself these questions. I know lots of different tips and tricks work for lots of different people but please don’t leave a comment telling me what does and doesn’t work or what I can try. I know it ALL. That’s what makes this even more frustrating and reading comments about it will just result in me lobbing my laptop out the window.

To tell you the truth, I feel better just getting this out of my head. Tomorrow is a new day and do want to make it the day when I turn things around. Yeah, it’s not the best day to be refocusing as I’m out for lunch and going to a bar launch in the evening – but well, that’s life innit.  I’ve got a really quiet week ahead and I could really make big inroads into that 7lbs. The weekend is mine. I could exercise and cook – and plan. Key word there... plan.

Okay, a plan is what I need. I plan is what I shall have.

Fat is Fun!

The problem with dieting – correction one of the problems with dieting is that it’s no fun. My friend and I have an ongoing joke about how everything in life has to be fun. 

•  How did your date go last night? Was he fun?
• Did you enjoy New Year? Yes, it was fun 
• That’s a great outfit. Really fun.

You get the gist. But I’ll tell you what’s not fitting with fun... dieting! Don’t get me wrong there is an element of enjoyment that comes with dieting; self satisfaction, achievement, goal meeting and so so on but it’s not exactly the stuff that wild weekends are made of.

I like to think I am fun and spontaneous and enjoy new things. Dieting does not allow for a whole lotta these things and to tell you the truth it makes me feel a bit boring. I can cope with this for the most part but when in a new relationship the last thing I want to be is the no person. You know... The one that says no to takeaway, the one that doesn’t want a beer or wine, the one that turns down a surprise roll and bacon that’s been made for them.

No matter how you dress it up, dieting is DULL. Have you tried going to a festival and dieting? What about dinner at a friend’s? Everyone else is shitfaced on wine and Goldschlager and wine and you are driving (that was last night for me). 

Okay, let’s turn down the melodrama for a moment. I can do it. I have done it. If dieting was easy then I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s just blows especially hard when you want to be the fun girlfriend and from time to time you sound like a clichéd bird. The phrase skinny latte makes me want to throw scalding hot milk in my own face.  I am not that kind of girl. I love a latte but ordering a skinny latte and being the person that talks about dieting with her ‘gal pals’ is not me. Yeah, I bang on about it on my blog but that’s one of the reason this thing exists – to provide me with an outlet for it. I don’t really like talking about it in the real world (apart from to me mum).

So what point am I trying to make here? Well, it’s just that I find it doubly hard to stick to my diet when with TB. He loves food and eating all the things that are wrong for you. I love those things too! But I need to start making some decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run.  I’m sure he wouldn’t complain if I was thinner and it’s what I want. If I really want it then it making some sacrifices  is how it has to be. Onwards and downwards!

Slacker

The new year healthy push started on Wednesday of last week. It ended on Saturday. Lame.

I don't know why I can't seem to get my brain into gear. Even the three days that I actually stuck to the Slimming World diet were days that I just felt like I was going through the motions, not really feeling it. And to be in the groove I need to be feeling it. You feel me?

Yesterday was an okay day. In fact, apart from around 50grams of green and blacks, a packet of crisps and a slice of cheddar cheese, it was pretty good. However, what set it apart from the other days is that I went out for run. I was really dreading it as I'm not exaggerating when I say that walking up stairs has been tougher than it was a few weeks ago. Who knows why my body was so nice to me but I managed to complete my 5km run in just over 20 seconds longer than the last time I did in November. Thank you body- all 14 stone and 4.5lbs of it!

Yes, okay - there it is, I'm back into that 14 stone range - again. The same 14 stone that I vowed to never let the see the light of day on my scales ever again. I'll come onto that in a moment.

The run was tough (head pounding and chest burning) and there was a lot of coughing for the rest of the evening but it's the first one of 2011 and it's done.  My thighs just above my knees and my bum are pretty sore today and I suspect there will be more of the same tomorrow but tough titty, as out for another run I shall be going.

So here we are again at the very upper limit of where I've been weight wise since I lost the best part of three stone - quite a number of years ago now. Let me be clear about this. I am not happy about it. Not at all and I need to get back into the 13stone bracket and sharpish. Once there I need to make some serious headway in getting towards the 12s. I can do it. I just need to excerpt some self control, will power and freaking dedication. It's a stone and a half, not the moon on a farking stick.

I mentioned before I'm not planning (for the moment) to go back to Slimming World. I'm going to follow the plan but I'm going to weigh in on a weekly basis at home. I'll give it a couple of weeks and if I'm struggling then I'll wobble back to the classes. 

While this might sound like a wobble - it's kinda my one get outta jail free card; I'm not going to weigh in until Friday. The week has been all over the place and I sort of need to wipe the slate clean but if I could do that with a tiny loss... then chocolate all round! Joke!

Easy Tiger

I was going to say something to Toyboy when I saw him, about things being a bit 'sticky' between us this past week. However, before I got the chance to do this face to face, we ended up talking about things on a skype video call. I really didn't want to do it that way. I'm not great at talking about my feelings when I actually have to discuss them with the person involved. Add a video call to that and I feel even more awkward.

It sorta came up though and it wasn't fair to leave him hanging 24hours until I saw him and so I explained that I felt like things had been a bit odd and the reason it made me feel uneasy is that the last time I was in a relationship and there was moment where things changed a bit, the next thing I knew it was all over and I was left feeling really hurt. We smoothed things over a bit and both agreed it that it would just be really good to see each other.

And indeed we did see each other last night, and it was great. I feel much better and TB understands that sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance.

Although we have seen quite a bit of each other, considering we live 2 and a half hours away from each other, things are moving quite slowly. This is a good thing. I mean, let's look at Moonraker. He was declaring his love for me after a few weeks and look how that turned out. Yeah, part of me wants him to be a wee bit more verbal about things but that's just my ego talking. I think TB is great. Brilliant, in fact but we're still getting to know each other and my feelings are no more advanced than his are so I need to not get ahead of myself.

On a slightly different note, aren't men funny creatures? So simple at times. I've been playing about a bit more with clothes this week.  As soon as I start to lose a bit of weight I feel more confident and adventurous (I'm pretty much always in jeans). I'm a classic pear shape (although there is an hourglass lurking under the lard) and my hips, bum and legs are a real problem area for me. To this end, I don't really do skirts and dresses. They are a rare occurrence as I need a size 12/14 on top and an 18 on bottom. However, I do own a few that seem to work.  I was coming to see TB last night and I decided to wear an above the knee dress (in black with a dotty pattern with a scoop neck and a big red belt pulling it in at the middle. Underneath I wore black leggings and studded grey boots.

And my, didn't TB just love it! He commented on it several times. Isn't it incredible what it does when you up the femininity - and get out of jeans.

So I'm already feeling pretty good and then this morning in bed we were having a cuddle. He's got his arms around me and he turns to me and says the words every woman loves to hear.... 'Have you lost weight?'

'Why, yes. Yes I have', I replied.

Dust, anyone?

I've abstained for around 14 years but last night I gave in. I went to...  a slimming club.

I am so annoyed at myself. Slimming clubs are great for some people and offer the guidance and support that sees them have incredible results. I'm fiercely competitive and independent and I was all smug at the fact I'd lost almost 3 stone on my own and had gotten somewhat of a handle on my love handles.

Yeah, Love Cat - you lost that 3 stone about 5 years ago! Since that time you've put on a stone and then yo yo yo yo yo yo'd up and down the same stone and a half more times on top of that than Marjorie Dawes has offered her fat fighters some dust.

The truth is that I've lost my way I need a plan. My usual plan ain't working for me and so I need to swallow my pride and man up....

There are very few Slimming World classes near where I live but as luck would have it there is one just a few miles away. As I walked in to the building I suspected it would be just as I remembered  the classes were that I attended when I was 16. I wasn't wrong.

Before I go on to describe my experience let me just say, I like the diet (or healthy eating plan - whatevs). It's the people and the mentality I have issues with. And I will freely admit many of those issues come from the fact I am a bit of snob. There- I've said it. I have high standards and a low tolerance threshold - not the idea combo for putting up with some people. Well, most people.

I get a really warm welcome from the class leader, a chubby lady called Lucy. She shows me to the back of the class where there are another couple of new people. As we're filling out our forms another new member arrives called Sue. I take one glance at Sue - she's not the fizziest drink in the fridge by a long stretch of the imagination.

Sue is unable to register volume as whenever she speaks... well, she bellows. Sue has also forgotten her glasses and can't see the form to fill it in. Lucy has to ask her each bit of information one bit by one painstaking bit and fills it in for her.

Finally Lucy sits down with us and talks us through how it all works. I actually went to Slimming World when i was about 16 and so had rough idea of the drill - and my friend who goes to another class had let me read all through her stuff at the weekend. Lucy is maybe halfway through explaining what each bit of literature is about when Sue pipes up at a deafening level. "That's me problem - I just sit in the evening and it's crisps and chocolate and its me sun ah feel sorry for. You know".

What?! What the hell does that have to do with anything that Lucy is saying at this moment in time? Lucy is very good with her and chats with her for a moment about the fact eating in the evening can be a struggle for many. I could not care less- apart from the fact my ears are bleeding. Can we just get on with it, I think to myself and I'm sure my face says the same.

At the end of the explanation (which leaves me itching to get home so I can get my head around superfree foods, free foods, healthy extras, syns and all the rest of the malarkey).  We join the rest of the group who have all weighed in. There is an express weigh in so you can just weigh and go without waiting for the class. I can forsee this being my lifeline in the near future. However, for the moment I stay for the class.

Any slimming classes/clubs I've been to before involved the class leader facilitating discussion about why we put on weight, the struggles that we face etc. Sounds fine in theory but in practise I find it really patronising. I recall one occasion where we were going through the alphabet naming an feeling or emotion that would hinder our efforts to lose weight. I was 15 at the time and for the letter A I put forward 'apathetic' as my suggestion. In return I got a blank stare. The class leader didn't understand the word.

And that is what I find in all slimming classes I have ever been to - the level of intelligence is below average. it may well be that it's just the area where I come from. I can't speak for anyone else's classes or for any other area but in my experience that's the deal. Of course, there are few people who seem relatively 'normal' but they are most definitely in the minority.

So the class itself. Could you call it a class? Lucy went around each member announcing their loss or gain that week and infront of the whole class tells chats about why they had a good week or what went wrong. Hmmmm - how shall I put this. I don't care. I am not remotely interested in anyone else. I do not care about your lame excuse and if I ever put on there is no way, no how I will be hanging around to talk about it.


Okay - so I've bleated on about the downside of the classes and barely even mentioned the actual eating plan. I'm still getting my head around it so bear with me while I get to grips.

And let's not talk about what weight I am. NOT. COOL.

This Just In

Okay - it's maybe not JUST in, but I feel like I've suddenly realised just how massive the size of my backside is.... and my things, boobs, arms, back fat wedges. You get the picture. The big fat picture.

I'm in a bad way. A really bad way. I've really packed on the pounds and am now only around a stone away from my heaviest weight ever. At one point I was almost 3 stone away from that dark and frankly miserable place.

I'm not going to bleat on about how crap I feel, how none of my clothes fit and I generally am disgusted with myself (there's plenty of posts to come about that - boom boom). What I will tell you is that something needs to happen. I need something that's going to give me a kick up the arse and get me in the right headspace and so.... after much thought I've decided to do something I never thought I would consider (having dabbled when I was around 16) again.

Okay, here it is. On Tuesday I'm going to..... Slimming World. There, I've said it. I'm not happy with  this decision. This is something that I hope will change.

I've been inspired by the incredible Helen over at Clear Your Heart. This little lady has lost an impressive 4.5 stone this year. Get your head around those numbers. A friend of mine has also had success and I just feel that I have to do SOMETHING.