Weigh in

I think I might have lost half a pound.

I got up at 6.50am and weighed myself. 12stone 11lbs. No change from last week. A few texts back and forth with my PT and we decided to postpone until today as it was pissing it down. I went back to bed for an hour and a half (why the hell not?) and weighed myself when I got up again. 12 stone 10lbs. A loss of a pound.

Hmmm. Okay, so it's a bit all over the place but this is what I am taking from it. I had a terrible weekend. I didn't binge but I made quite a few bad choices. Other than that, I had a pretty good week (let's not talk about the nutella) and worked out 4 times.

• PT session
• 5k run
• 8k run
• 5k run

The upshot of all this is that I pretty much stayed the same - and I think that's deserved.

So what's the plan for this week... Well, yesterday I didn't do ANY exercise at all. That's the first Thursday in a long time that's happened - I did have a really good food day though. It was chucking it down again this morning and so I put my PT off, again. I'm just over working out in the rain. This all sounds like I've given up BUT... I have just been to the gym had a really good workout.

As soon as I exercise, I feel so much more motivated and good about myself. Why do I never remember this?

I've been looking through our wedding photos as I put them up on FB last night and oh lordy, I look so thin! My sensible head is telling me I really don't look much different to those pics. If I could just get my act together I could be back there. I almost wrote 'easily'. I could easily be back there. That's not going to happen. It's not going to be easy. But if I get in the groove - and oh boy, can I groove - then why can't it happen? 11lbs is not Mount Everest.

Right, where are my crampons.

Every day is a new day.

That's my mantra right now. Every day is a new day.

My last post was pretty negative and while everything in it was true, I didn't like reading it back as I don't like vibe it was giving off. I am an extremely intolerant person, with high standards and sympathy for only those that really deserve it. That makes me sound pretty harsh! That's it in a very black and white way. However, I am also incredibly positive - and there are other nice things about me. Well, one or two. If you look really hard! Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that things diet-wise are not going my way right now, but I need to keep my chin(s) up and keep on keeping on. Every day is a new day.

So last week went down like this. Thursday and Friday were good days. I ate pretty well, worked out with my PT and had my best 5k run in about 6 weeks. Good work. After that though, it kinda went downhill. I was away for the weekend and quite simply, I made bad choices. It also didn't help that I was running a cooking activity, making fried haggis balls (with a mustard cream sauce) all weekend. Many of which made their way into my gob.

Monday, was another new day. And as days went it was pretty bloody good. Healthy food all round and I ran 5 miles without stopping - in 50mins. That's the first time I've done that in months. And I felt great. The only misdemeanour was the three heavily loaded teaspoons of nutella. Whoops.

Yeah, we have a nutella situation. Correction, we had a nutella situation. The jar, which was opened last week, has been consistently calling my name, tempting me with the suggestion of a heaped teaspoon or four, every day. And like a sugar crazed chubster, I have obliged. Well, last night I scraped that bad boy clean - nutella be gone (albeit down my throat) and then went on a 5.5km run. Gotta take the ying with the yang.

Today's plan is fruit and fibre for brekkie, leftover moroccan chicken for lunch, beef thai green noodle bowl for dinner and snacks of fruit, yogurt and half a nakd bar.

I shall be weighing in tomorrow. Who knows how the hell that will go.

Weigh in

Big breath. Or maybe it's more of a sigh. Yeah, I think it's a sigh.

Before you read any further, I should reveal I'm not in a positive frame of mind right now. The slinkiest of our two young boys is currently at the vets with a broken back leg. We came home from work last night to find him like that. We think he's been hit by something, probably a car. The vet's just called to say he needs to be referred to a specialist and the bill is going to be around £2000. It's that or amputation. At just over a year old, amputation doesn't seem fair. Before you ask if we've got insurance, don't.

I don't want to say any more about than that for now.

What I really need to talk about is my weight. I don't want to talk about it, hence the lack of posts,  but I know I need to get my shit together. Here's where things are at. I'm 11lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day. It's gone like this.

Wedding:                        11stone 13.75
Home from honeymoon:  12 stone 10.5
Pre camp:                       12 stone 5.5
Home from camp:           12stone 10.5
A week later:                  12stone 11
A week later:                  12 stone 10.75
Today:                            12 stone 11lbs

You get the gist. I'm pretty much dicking about, good style.

Once we got home from camp I really struggled to get it together for even one day before buckling and eating a whole load of whatever took my fancy. You know that feeling when you think, "Just one day. Please let me get through one day of eating the right things. That's what I need to get me started; 24 sodding hours."

Well, finally last week I managed those 24 hours. Yes! "This is it", I thought. "Here we go. Time to get into the single figures in the 12s. I am on it!" And so for the rest of the week I was feeling positive. I had a double workout on Thursday, I ran on Friday and I feel like I made good choices all week. I got on the scales this morning and there it was - a gain. Sure it was a gain on 0.25lbs, so pretty much a stay the same, but it's not what I was expecting.

I just feel so despondent about the whole thing. The thought of mustering the energy to dig deep to find some motivation is exhausting in itself. There is a whole load of ambivalence I feel about it all - and have done for weeks. And that is manifesting itself in my actions. When I was complaining to TB that I'd put on weight this week which I didn't think was fair, he then very easily listed quite a few things I'd had which weren't 'good'. A whole M&S pizza for tea, half a bag of percy pigs, a couple of creamy cocktails. Hmmm. So I'm kidding myself on. I'm not really 'doing it'.

I can't really articulate why this makes it worse, but my mum is losing weight like a demon and TB is back on his lots of small meals, healthy eating plan and will no doubt start dropping the pounds too. They are both going to slim down and I'm just fannying about here feeling pissed off with myself, but totally unmotivated.

Life moves pretty fast

I feel like I've blinked and a month has gone past.  Where is the pause button?!

I've had such a good time over the past four weeks, two of which were spent in a field with some of the most important people in my life - and it's the field where I met TB four years ago. That was our beginning. We're living our now and it's pretty bloody amazing.