Friday, 27 April 2012

Duck and cover

There are two things I REALLY want and need to talk about. Both are time sensitive but I don't have time to talk about them both. I'm going to go with the emotional/boy chat just now and then early next week I can tell you the outcome of the other thing.

So, here's the background... of late, there have been several mentions, well more like cheeky wee references, to marriage. Just the odd thing such as TB's Granny telling him I was a nice girl and to get a ring on there - which he told me she said, and so on.

Last night in bed we got to talking about precious metals (don't ask how we got there) and TB jokingly mentions a metal he likes. It's a metal you use to make nuts and bolts. Oooh - hilarious. What a joker. I then said 'No, no - you want to get platinum or white gold. You don't want anything that's going to chip." This chat went on for a minute more and then TB says, "Why are we talking about this anyway? I don't want a ring. I'm not even thinking about that."

Right, let me just remove that bombshell from where it's landed ON MY FACE. I recoiled, actually recoiled - and then rolled over with my back to him. "Leap year is over for this year" he added.

What the chuff? WHAT? He then realised I was not happy and tried to cuddle in, checking I was okay. Ummm, no - not okay. Not at all. We went to sleep with me still quiet, my back to him. In the morning more of the same. He tried to chat to me but I was still quiet. I thought we were both roughly on the same page. Was I completely wrong? He went off to work with me grunting goodbye from the bed. Later that morning, a lovely nicey-nice text pinged in from him. What was I up to, was I still meeting him after work. I replied nicely - but still with a cool edge. Not because I was trying to be a boot but simply because I did feel cool. In fact, there was a decided chill in the air but I don't think he realised where it was coming from...

... to be continued.

Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Back - and bigger

Well Howdy Doody!

How are you my sweets? I am just dandy and have been very busy of late - so much to tell!

I'm not going to lump everything into one post so here's a quick topliner...

My holiday in Italy was just lovely. The pissing rain, thunder and lightning - not so much. I think there were two days that it didn't rain at all but I still had to wear my hat (I bought on the first day) the whole time. Pretty damn chilly. It was still a great holiday. We saw lots, we slept lots and we ate lots. Well, I certainly did. Pizza, ice cream and featured heavily. I think I may have cried with sheer unadulterated pleasure when I devoured Kinder ice cream. It was filled with huge chunks of kinder chocolate. Insane.

It was also really nice to hang out just the two of us, TB and I. Lots of hand holding and kissing in public (apparently that's the done thing in Italy!) and just getting along brilliantly. 

The Plan, you remember - the one where I was going to go hell for leather with the healthy eating and exercise until the morning I went on holiday - well, it wasn't so much of a plan and more like a notion I maybe had for 17 seconds. I'm afraid it did not happen. In fact, if anything, the reverse did. I started eating with gay abandon several days before we went on holiday and that pretty much continued until last night (despite going to the gym yesterday morning). But, today is Wednesday and this morning the scales and I were reunited. It's been 19 days since my last weigh in and I've put on..... 7lbs! Yup - half a stone has lumped on. Oops.

I was in denial a little bit, thinking I had got away with still being in the 12stones but when 13stone 2.5lbs flashed up there was no escape. And then to add insult to injury - I saw this picture of me taken at the weekend. You can practically tell what make of pants I am wearing!

So what am I going to do about it? Well, how about this crazy idea; I'm going to STOP FAFFING ABOUT. It's time get get serious. I know what to do. Not only is that eating the right foods and working out but it also involves cutting out sneaky mouthfuls and tastes of things that have no place in my gob. It's back to tracking and logging. Dull - but necessary.

I'm heavier than I was at my first 2012 weigh in - not cool. I want to get the hell outta the 13s asap and down down down into the 12s. There are so many things coming up (no holidays!) so it's time to bust some moves.

Friday, 6 April 2012

Weigh in

It's been a good week. Lots of activity and my diet has been excellent too. I got on the scales this morning and was rewarded with a 0.75lbs loss, taking me to 12 stone 9.5lbs.

It's not a huge loss and I feel like I deserved to hit the pound mark, but it's not to be. I did drink rather a lot of wine on Friday and Saturday... The less said about that the better - I was pretty damn pissed.

Exercise for the week was...

Friday: 3 mile brisk walk
Saturday: Dance class (part of a hen do)
Sunday: Nothing
Monday: Nothing
Tuesday: Gym. 22 minutes of sprints, resistance work, 5 mins rower, kettlebells, 10 mins spinning
Wednesday: Gym. 20 mins treadmill (10 running, 10 sprints), lunges and biceps, 10 mins spinning
Thursday: 40 mins boxercise, 10 mins treadmill (10.3kmph)

That feels like a lot for just 3/4 of a pound. But it's a loss and it's all heading in the right direction. I feel really good - toned and not so wobbly and my fitness is good. I'm now running at 10.3kmph as my base speed. For me, that's amazing. So I'm concentrating on the positives and trying not to let that negative voice get too loud that is telling me, "but you're just the same weight you were 7 months ago. What have you been doing? You've tried to lose weight all this time but you've even struggled to maintain."

My counter argument to that is that I've lost almost half a stone this year. My body fat is lower (by a ball hair - but it's lower!) and I'm still in the 12stones. That is still amazing to me. The fact I've lost two stone and I've kept it off feels great. This is what I look like now. This is how I feel now. I'm never going back.

So how does this affect The Plan? Well, to get into FF I need to lose 2.25lbs IN ONE WEEK. Now, while this is possible, it is also highly unlikely. So what am I going to do? I'm going to go for it, of course! Chances are I'm not going to do it - but I'm sure as hell gonna try my best.

Realistically if I could see 12 stone 7.75lbs I would be happy. In fact, I would be happy with a loss at all. But, I've decided I am going to batten down the hatches like they have never been battened (?).

So what hurdles lie ahead. Tonight, we are staying at TB's folks and will be having dinner with them. Chances are there will be a pudding - and we'll probably get given an Easter Egg each. On Sunday my mum is having an Easter Party. It'll be a buffet style meal but I already know my mum is making individual creme brulees and some other profiterole type creations. Yes,  I am my mother's daughter - we love our puddings! My only saving grace is that under her watchful gaze I won't be tempted to snaffle something  into my chubby cheeks.

Starting Weight: 183 pounds
Current Weight: 177.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.75
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 5.5lbs

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Baby don't care for me

I didn't know if the day would ever really come. But lo... I think it's here. I think... I'm broody. Oh dear.

I'm not a huge child fan. I mean, I like them - but I'm very much of the school of thought that life goes on and while it changes completely once you become a parent, you don't have to change as a person. You DEFINITELY do not have to become an almighty bore, which seems to be quite a challenge for many.

I'm also very much aware that children are just that - children. There is a differentiation between children and adults, something that a lot of people are not quite able to grasp the concept of. If I am talking it is rude to interrupt no matter if you are 40 or 4 - yet many parents seem to this is okay. Ummm   - no. I wasn't allowed to interrupt when grown ups were talking when I was a child and if I have any children they sure as hell won't be allowed either.

The point I am making here is that I like kids but I'm not mad about them. I won't coo at your child in the street. I won't think they are cute if they smile, when really they are burping. I am just not that way inclined. However, I am quite a 'mum' and in fact I used to get called that at uni all the time. I love taking care of people and organising things for them, making sure they have everything they need and are taking care of themselves too. I like cooking and playing games and making dens and showing how to do things. I love cuddles.

I've sort of managed to ignore it though as despite being almost 32 years of age, very few of my friends have babies. Until now. My best friend from school has a 6 month old baby. My other best friend from school just gave birth to a boy on Saturday. I know 5 other people who are due before October. It's suddenly become very real.

I was hanging out with my friend and her 6 month old on Saturday - and suddenly things have changed. The baby is now fun. She's aware of what's going on, smiles, chats away, giggles and is so cuddly. I think my heart just about melted when I caught a moment between the two. That instant when the baby realises that it's their mum they are looking at - and the look on their face is sheer joy. That bond, that connection - well it hit me right in the guts.

So this is all fine, right? Some sort of baby radar was bound to kick in at some point. It's not for everyone and I think if you don't want kids then good on you. It's not an easy decision to make and often you are judged for it but for me - I've always known I've wanted children. It's just been 'yes I want them, but not yet.'

The reality is that I've not been in a position to even think about having them. The Highlander and I were together from the age of 19 - 27. So yeah, that would have been a likely time but he was so lame at committing (when it suited him) that the phrase of "How can I look after a child when I can barely look after myself" was always rolled out when the topic came up - despite the fact he had a baby 6 months ago with his bird of 1.5 years. That's beside the point  as I actually dodged a bullet there. And then for the most part, I was single for 2 and a half years before Moonraker and then TB, living the life of Riley and having the time of my life (along with some heartache and tough times along the way). Again - no time for thoughts of babies as pleasing myself was top of the agenda. People used to say to me, "You have got such a great life; always going out, going on holiday; having fun", but now that I'm settled down - the tables have turned. Those people have got something which I am now realising, I covet.

There is also the fact that I feel like I'm being left behind. I want to be sharing these experiences with my friends but there is only so much you can do so when they are baby brained up to the max. It's hard to offer advice (something that used to be 'my thing') and support when you have no clue what you are talking about. It also contradicts the way I've led my life so far. I've always been the first to do things; leaving school, getting a car, moving ahead in my career, buying a flat. It feels weird to be last for once. It's not a real reason for wanting a child but none the less - it still feels weird to me.

So what am I waiting for? Let's procreate! It's not that simple though, it is? I love TB with every fibre of my being. He's the one for me - and that's it. I cannot see a future without him, nor do I want to. And for that I know I am so lucky. I could be feeling the way I do right now - but still be single. I've been lucky enough to find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life - who is good for me and to me. But we've only been together for a year and a half and living together for 4 months of that. I also want to do things in the traditional order - marriage and then babies. This is all possible but there's going to have to be some compromise. I'm going to be 32 in a month. TB is only turning 25 in June. Those seven years are beginning to become an issue.

I know he doesn't want children yet. In fact, we had a conversation a year ago in which he said that he was worried that in two years I would want babies and he's sure he won't want babies then. Ha! Forget two years, how about one year? So where does that leave me? Well, if I do want to get married first that's not going to happen before next summer. And even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon then that is two years after that conversation! Can you tell how much I've been thinking about this?

The fact of the matter is I am not getting any younger. Time is not on my side. Realistically, if we get married and decide we want to have a family this is not going to happen until I am around 34. And then I have to hope that it does happen and there are no complications. My biggest fear is that we leave it too late.

This is all good and well that I have a plan and am trying to be as realistic as possible - but this plan needs two people. How do I go about getting TB on-side? Well, it's not so much about getting him on-side as him getting his head around the timings and the knock on effect of everything -without me scaring him senseless and him running off into the hills with a 18 year old with a banging hardbody.

Well, there have been a few baby comments floating around recently and that's good.  A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone's baby and we were laughing about something to do with having children. I then thought I would wind him up a bit...

"Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my biological clock ticking!"
"I know!" he replied in quite an alarmed tone.
"It's going really slowly though", I said, trying to sound very relaxed about the whole thing - and noting his immediate response.
"But it's not. It's not going slowly!"

I didn't say anything else and just left it at that.  But I was quite pleased, in a way, that he does have a grasp on the concept that we (I) can't hang around forever. I didn't think he was thinking like that at all so that was news to me.

So here is my general thought process... Life is great right now. I am having a brilliant time - doing all the things I want to do, spending time with the people I want to. I'm not going to wish that away. Please don't think that for one moment that having a baby is all I can think about. Yes, it's on my mind a lot at the moment but it's just because I am starting to deal with emotions and feelings that are new to me.

TB and I have been together two years in September. I would hope that a proposal is on his mind around that time - or before the end of the year. If there is no sign of movement by the two year mark then I'm going to start dropping hints being a bit more upfront about it. And if by the end of the year nothing has happened then it's time for a more serious chat.

In the meantime, I need to relax, enjoy myself and not worry about something that I'm sure will happen when the timing is right.