Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Baby don't care for me

I didn't know if the day would ever really come. But lo... I think it's here. I think... I'm broody. Oh dear.

I'm not a huge child fan. I mean, I like them - but I'm very much of the school of thought that life goes on and while it changes completely once you become a parent, you don't have to change as a person. You DEFINITELY do not have to become an almighty bore, which seems to be quite a challenge for many.

I'm also very much aware that children are just that - children. There is a differentiation between children and adults, something that a lot of people are not quite able to grasp the concept of. If I am talking it is rude to interrupt no matter if you are 40 or 4 - yet many parents seem to this is okay. Ummm   - no. I wasn't allowed to interrupt when grown ups were talking when I was a child and if I have any children they sure as hell won't be allowed either.

The point I am making here is that I like kids but I'm not mad about them. I won't coo at your child in the street. I won't think they are cute if they smile, when really they are burping. I am just not that way inclined. However, I am quite a 'mum' and in fact I used to get called that at uni all the time. I love taking care of people and organising things for them, making sure they have everything they need and are taking care of themselves too. I like cooking and playing games and making dens and showing how to do things. I love cuddles.

I've sort of managed to ignore it though as despite being almost 32 years of age, very few of my friends have babies. Until now. My best friend from school has a 6 month old baby. My other best friend from school just gave birth to a boy on Saturday. I know 5 other people who are due before October. It's suddenly become very real.

I was hanging out with my friend and her 6 month old on Saturday - and suddenly things have changed. The baby is now fun. She's aware of what's going on, smiles, chats away, giggles and is so cuddly. I think my heart just about melted when I caught a moment between the two. That instant when the baby realises that it's their mum they are looking at - and the look on their face is sheer joy. That bond, that connection - well it hit me right in the guts.

So this is all fine, right? Some sort of baby radar was bound to kick in at some point. It's not for everyone and I think if you don't want kids then good on you. It's not an easy decision to make and often you are judged for it but for me - I've always known I've wanted children. It's just been 'yes I want them, but not yet.'

The reality is that I've not been in a position to even think about having them. The Highlander and I were together from the age of 19 - 27. So yeah, that would have been a likely time but he was so lame at committing (when it suited him) that the phrase of "How can I look after a child when I can barely look after myself" was always rolled out when the topic came up - despite the fact he had a baby 6 months ago with his bird of 1.5 years. That's beside the point  as I actually dodged a bullet there. And then for the most part, I was single for 2 and a half years before Moonraker and then TB, living the life of Riley and having the time of my life (along with some heartache and tough times along the way). Again - no time for thoughts of babies as pleasing myself was top of the agenda. People used to say to me, "You have got such a great life; always going out, going on holiday; having fun", but now that I'm settled down - the tables have turned. Those people have got something which I am now realising, I covet.

There is also the fact that I feel like I'm being left behind. I want to be sharing these experiences with my friends but there is only so much you can do so when they are baby brained up to the max. It's hard to offer advice (something that used to be 'my thing') and support when you have no clue what you are talking about. It also contradicts the way I've led my life so far. I've always been the first to do things; leaving school, getting a car, moving ahead in my career, buying a flat. It feels weird to be last for once. It's not a real reason for wanting a child but none the less - it still feels weird to me.

So what am I waiting for? Let's procreate! It's not that simple though, it is? I love TB with every fibre of my being. He's the one for me - and that's it. I cannot see a future without him, nor do I want to. And for that I know I am so lucky. I could be feeling the way I do right now - but still be single. I've been lucky enough to find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life - who is good for me and to me. But we've only been together for a year and a half and living together for 4 months of that. I also want to do things in the traditional order - marriage and then babies. This is all possible but there's going to have to be some compromise. I'm going to be 32 in a month. TB is only turning 25 in June. Those seven years are beginning to become an issue.

I know he doesn't want children yet. In fact, we had a conversation a year ago in which he said that he was worried that in two years I would want babies and he's sure he won't want babies then. Ha! Forget two years, how about one year? So where does that leave me? Well, if I do want to get married first that's not going to happen before next summer. And even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon then that is two years after that conversation! Can you tell how much I've been thinking about this?

The fact of the matter is I am not getting any younger. Time is not on my side. Realistically, if we get married and decide we want to have a family this is not going to happen until I am around 34. And then I have to hope that it does happen and there are no complications. My biggest fear is that we leave it too late.

This is all good and well that I have a plan and am trying to be as realistic as possible - but this plan needs two people. How do I go about getting TB on-side? Well, it's not so much about getting him on-side as him getting his head around the timings and the knock on effect of everything -without me scaring him senseless and him running off into the hills with a 18 year old with a banging hardbody.

Well, there have been a few baby comments floating around recently and that's good.  A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone's baby and we were laughing about something to do with having children. I then thought I would wind him up a bit...

"Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my biological clock ticking!"
"I know!" he replied in quite an alarmed tone.
"It's going really slowly though", I said, trying to sound very relaxed about the whole thing - and noting his immediate response.
"But it's not. It's not going slowly!"

I didn't say anything else and just left it at that.  But I was quite pleased, in a way, that he does have a grasp on the concept that we (I) can't hang around forever. I didn't think he was thinking like that at all so that was news to me.

So here is my general thought process... Life is great right now. I am having a brilliant time - doing all the things I want to do, spending time with the people I want to. I'm not going to wish that away. Please don't think that for one moment that having a baby is all I can think about. Yes, it's on my mind a lot at the moment but it's just because I am starting to deal with emotions and feelings that are new to me.

TB and I have been together two years in September. I would hope that a proposal is on his mind around that time - or before the end of the year. If there is no sign of movement by the two year mark then I'm going to start dropping hints being a bit more upfront about it. And if by the end of the year nothing has happened then it's time for a more serious chat.

In the meantime, I need to relax, enjoy myself and not worry about something that I'm sure will happen when the timing is right.

1 comment:

  1. Hi LC. I don't know how I missed this momentous post but somehow I did! I was (am?) like you in that I always knew I wanted children but wasn't a big baby or child person. I liked some but not all and got irritated by many and the way their parents often totally changed.

    Trouble is, I was with the wrong bloke when I "should" have been having them and now am pretty much too old and not in the best situation. I have never had the visceral desire you're experiencing though. I suspect I would have (big time) if I'd been with Rich at your age.

    So, what can I say, don't leave it too late. But 32 is still young. You seem to be doing exactly the right thing to be honest.

    Lesley xxx


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