I didn't mean to turn that last post into a cliff hanger but this weekend has just been mental (in an amazing way; been hanging out with all manner of lovely people) and I was away with work until last night. But I am back and with me I bring the continuation of the fall out from TB's flippant anti marriage comments. This is looooong and so I'll post up what I can just now and try and come back to it later this evening.
So, TB had texted me to check if I was still meeting him after work. I knew that he was going to ask me what was wrong and so earlier in the day I had called one of my best mates (Let's call her Mrs Manners because she goes tits if she doesn't get a thank you note, and the like). Mrs Manners is married to a bloke who is 5 years younger than her and she pretty much told him they had to start trying for a baby whether he liked it or not. They now have a gorgeous wee girl - not that I want that just yet but she has had some tough chats with him in the past few years and I knew she would understand how I felt.
I explained the situation and she soon grasped that while I felt like I needed to say something, I didn't want to put the pressure on and make TB freak out. And I didn't want to get into a big assed discussion. They are so draining and such hard work as you agonise over each and every word while you try and make yourself understood without letting all the crazy out. TB has no idea how much crazy there is - and I don't just mean my crazy. I mean lady crazy. I think if men really knew how much we think about things they would have us all locked up if they could. I've done well at coming across as laid back and relaxed about life things but that's is not an accident. That has been on purpose! Anyway, I digress. We came up with this little speech...
"I don't want to have a big discussion about it but you know what's important to me and what I want out of life and, because I'm sensitive about it, your comments last night about marriage got to me." I was ready to say this, I just had to find the right moment. I met TB and we went shopping where he spent a lot of money on me. It's my birthday next week and he was buying my present early. He was so generous - which made me feel a complete biatch for being cool with him throughout the shopping trip - but it was just crap timing. We stopped off at the supermarket on the way home and it was in the fish aisle that he decides to make me tell him what's wrong. Way to pick a time and a place TB! He told me he wouldn't stop tickling me until I told him and so as we made our way to the pet food aisle I trundled out my little speech.
"Well you were going on about it quite a bit. I mean, you were discussing what metal was best!" he replied.
"So I'm not allowed to talk about it? Joke about it?"
"In my defence it felt as if we were there in the jewellers." His tone had changed from chatty to a bit annoyed.
Right then - so from that I took it that he most definitely did not have visions of that happening anytime soon. I didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything. As we stood in the queue to pay he continued to chat away and try and engage with me as normal. I just stood there. My mind was blank. What did this mean? What should I say next? This is not how I thought 'the chat' would go. He tried to get me talk. I just shook my head and breathed out, actually at loss for what to say. All I could say was, "This is.... hard... It's just..." And I tailed off.
We got in the car, heading home. He put his had on my leg. "I don't want you to fall out with me. I'm going away for four days in the morning and I don't want to go away with you not talking to me."
"I've not in a huff with you, I'm in a huff about what you said." I replied.
A few minutes later we pulled up at home and took the shopping in. We had barely set foot in the door when TB pushed me through into the bedroom and made me lie down with him on the bed. "Right - talk. You're not going anywhere until you start talking."
I'm on a lifelong mission to ditch the lard. Stones away from my heaviest, I'm closing in on my pre-pregnancy weight. Next up, my wedding weight! Onwards!
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Baby don't care for me
I didn't know if the day would ever really come. But lo... I think it's here. I think... I'm broody. Oh dear.
I'm not a huge child fan. I mean, I like them - but I'm very much of the school of thought that life goes on and while it changes completely once you become a parent, you don't have to change as a person. You DEFINITELY do not have to become an almighty bore, which seems to be quite a challenge for many.
I'm also very much aware that children are just that - children. There is a differentiation between children and adults, something that a lot of people are not quite able to grasp the concept of. If I am talking it is rude to interrupt no matter if you are 40 or 4 - yet many parents seem to this is okay. Ummm - no. I wasn't allowed to interrupt when grown ups were talking when I was a child and if I have any children they sure as hell won't be allowed either.
The point I am making here is that I like kids but I'm not mad about them. I won't coo at your child in the street. I won't think they are cute if they smile, when really they are burping. I am just not that way inclined. However, I am quite a 'mum' and in fact I used to get called that at uni all the time. I love taking care of people and organising things for them, making sure they have everything they need and are taking care of themselves too. I like cooking and playing games and making dens and showing how to do things. I love cuddles.
I've sort of managed to ignore it though as despite being almost 32 years of age, very few of my friends have babies. Until now. My best friend from school has a 6 month old baby. My other best friend from school just gave birth to a boy on Saturday. I know 5 other people who are due before October. It's suddenly become very real.
I was hanging out with my friend and her 6 month old on Saturday - and suddenly things have changed. The baby is now fun. She's aware of what's going on, smiles, chats away, giggles and is so cuddly. I think my heart just about melted when I caught a moment between the two. That instant when the baby realises that it's their mum they are looking at - and the look on their face is sheer joy. That bond, that connection - well it hit me right in the guts.
So this is all fine, right? Some sort of baby radar was bound to kick in at some point. It's not for everyone and I think if you don't want kids then good on you. It's not an easy decision to make and often you are judged for it but for me - I've always known I've wanted children. It's just been 'yes I want them, but not yet.'
The reality is that I've not been in a position to even think about having them. The Highlander and I were together from the age of 19 - 27. So yeah, that would have been a likely time but he was so lame at committing (when it suited him) that the phrase of "How can I look after a child when I can barely look after myself" was always rolled out when the topic came up - despite the fact he had a baby 6 months ago with his bird of 1.5 years. That's beside the point as I actually dodged a bullet there. And then for the most part, I was single for 2 and a half years before Moonraker and then TB, living the life of Riley and having the time of my life (along with some heartache and tough times along the way). Again - no time for thoughts of babies as pleasing myself was top of the agenda. People used to say to me, "You have got such a great life; always going out, going on holiday; having fun", but now that I'm settled down - the tables have turned. Those people have got something which I am now realising, I covet.
There is also the fact that I feel like I'm being left behind. I want to be sharing these experiences with my friends but there is only so much you can do so when they are baby brained up to the max. It's hard to offer advice (something that used to be 'my thing') and support when you have no clue what you are talking about. It also contradicts the way I've led my life so far. I've always been the first to do things; leaving school, getting a car, moving ahead in my career, buying a flat. It feels weird to be last for once. It's not a real reason for wanting a child but none the less - it still feels weird to me.
So what am I waiting for? Let's procreate! It's not that simple though, it is? I love TB with every fibre of my being. He's the one for me - and that's it. I cannot see a future without him, nor do I want to. And for that I know I am so lucky. I could be feeling the way I do right now - but still be single. I've been lucky enough to find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life - who is good for me and to me. But we've only been together for a year and a half and living together for 4 months of that. I also want to do things in the traditional order - marriage and then babies. This is all possible but there's going to have to be some compromise. I'm going to be 32 in a month. TB is only turning 25 in June. Those seven years are beginning to become an issue.
I know he doesn't want children yet. In fact, we had a conversation a year ago in which he said that he was worried that in two years I would want babies and he's sure he won't want babies then. Ha! Forget two years, how about one year? So where does that leave me? Well, if I do want to get married first that's not going to happen before next summer. And even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon then that is two years after that conversation! Can you tell how much I've been thinking about this?
The fact of the matter is I am not getting any younger. Time is not on my side. Realistically, if we get married and decide we want to have a family this is not going to happen until I am around 34. And then I have to hope that it does happen and there are no complications. My biggest fear is that we leave it too late.
This is all good and well that I have a plan and am trying to be as realistic as possible - but this plan needs two people. How do I go about getting TB on-side? Well, it's not so much about getting him on-side as him getting his head around the timings and the knock on effect of everything -without me scaring him senseless and him running off into the hills with a 18 year old with a banging hardbody.
Well, there have been a few baby comments floating around recently and that's good. A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone's baby and we were laughing about something to do with having children. I then thought I would wind him up a bit...
"Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my biological clock ticking!"
"I know!" he replied in quite an alarmed tone.
"It's going really slowly though", I said, trying to sound very relaxed about the whole thing - and noting his immediate response.
"But it's not. It's not going slowly!"
I didn't say anything else and just left it at that. But I was quite pleased, in a way, that he does have a grasp on the concept that we (I) can't hang around forever. I didn't think he was thinking like that at all so that was news to me.
So here is my general thought process... Life is great right now. I am having a brilliant time - doing all the things I want to do, spending time with the people I want to. I'm not going to wish that away. Please don't think that for one moment that having a baby is all I can think about. Yes, it's on my mind a lot at the moment but it's just because I am starting to deal with emotions and feelings that are new to me.
TB and I have been together two years in September. I would hope that a proposal is on his mind around that time - or before the end of the year. If there is no sign of movement by the two year mark then I'm going to start dropping hints being a bit more upfront about it. And if by the end of the year nothing has happened then it's time for a more serious chat.
In the meantime, I need to relax, enjoy myself and not worry about something that I'm sure will happen when the timing is right.
I'm not a huge child fan. I mean, I like them - but I'm very much of the school of thought that life goes on and while it changes completely once you become a parent, you don't have to change as a person. You DEFINITELY do not have to become an almighty bore, which seems to be quite a challenge for many.
I'm also very much aware that children are just that - children. There is a differentiation between children and adults, something that a lot of people are not quite able to grasp the concept of. If I am talking it is rude to interrupt no matter if you are 40 or 4 - yet many parents seem to this is okay. Ummm - no. I wasn't allowed to interrupt when grown ups were talking when I was a child and if I have any children they sure as hell won't be allowed either.
The point I am making here is that I like kids but I'm not mad about them. I won't coo at your child in the street. I won't think they are cute if they smile, when really they are burping. I am just not that way inclined. However, I am quite a 'mum' and in fact I used to get called that at uni all the time. I love taking care of people and organising things for them, making sure they have everything they need and are taking care of themselves too. I like cooking and playing games and making dens and showing how to do things. I love cuddles.
I've sort of managed to ignore it though as despite being almost 32 years of age, very few of my friends have babies. Until now. My best friend from school has a 6 month old baby. My other best friend from school just gave birth to a boy on Saturday. I know 5 other people who are due before October. It's suddenly become very real.
I was hanging out with my friend and her 6 month old on Saturday - and suddenly things have changed. The baby is now fun. She's aware of what's going on, smiles, chats away, giggles and is so cuddly. I think my heart just about melted when I caught a moment between the two. That instant when the baby realises that it's their mum they are looking at - and the look on their face is sheer joy. That bond, that connection - well it hit me right in the guts.
So this is all fine, right? Some sort of baby radar was bound to kick in at some point. It's not for everyone and I think if you don't want kids then good on you. It's not an easy decision to make and often you are judged for it but for me - I've always known I've wanted children. It's just been 'yes I want them, but not yet.'
The reality is that I've not been in a position to even think about having them. The Highlander and I were together from the age of 19 - 27. So yeah, that would have been a likely time but he was so lame at committing (when it suited him) that the phrase of "How can I look after a child when I can barely look after myself" was always rolled out when the topic came up - despite the fact he had a baby 6 months ago with his bird of 1.5 years. That's beside the point as I actually dodged a bullet there. And then for the most part, I was single for 2 and a half years before Moonraker and then TB, living the life of Riley and having the time of my life (along with some heartache and tough times along the way). Again - no time for thoughts of babies as pleasing myself was top of the agenda. People used to say to me, "You have got such a great life; always going out, going on holiday; having fun", but now that I'm settled down - the tables have turned. Those people have got something which I am now realising, I covet.
There is also the fact that I feel like I'm being left behind. I want to be sharing these experiences with my friends but there is only so much you can do so when they are baby brained up to the max. It's hard to offer advice (something that used to be 'my thing') and support when you have no clue what you are talking about. It also contradicts the way I've led my life so far. I've always been the first to do things; leaving school, getting a car, moving ahead in my career, buying a flat. It feels weird to be last for once. It's not a real reason for wanting a child but none the less - it still feels weird to me.
So what am I waiting for? Let's procreate! It's not that simple though, it is? I love TB with every fibre of my being. He's the one for me - and that's it. I cannot see a future without him, nor do I want to. And for that I know I am so lucky. I could be feeling the way I do right now - but still be single. I've been lucky enough to find someone I want to be with for the rest of my life - who is good for me and to me. But we've only been together for a year and a half and living together for 4 months of that. I also want to do things in the traditional order - marriage and then babies. This is all possible but there's going to have to be some compromise. I'm going to be 32 in a month. TB is only turning 25 in June. Those seven years are beginning to become an issue.
I know he doesn't want children yet. In fact, we had a conversation a year ago in which he said that he was worried that in two years I would want babies and he's sure he won't want babies then. Ha! Forget two years, how about one year? So where does that leave me? Well, if I do want to get married first that's not going to happen before next summer. And even if I got pregnant on our honeymoon then that is two years after that conversation! Can you tell how much I've been thinking about this?
The fact of the matter is I am not getting any younger. Time is not on my side. Realistically, if we get married and decide we want to have a family this is not going to happen until I am around 34. And then I have to hope that it does happen and there are no complications. My biggest fear is that we leave it too late.
This is all good and well that I have a plan and am trying to be as realistic as possible - but this plan needs two people. How do I go about getting TB on-side? Well, it's not so much about getting him on-side as him getting his head around the timings and the knock on effect of everything -without me scaring him senseless and him running off into the hills with a 18 year old with a banging hardbody.
Well, there have been a few baby comments floating around recently and that's good. A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone's baby and we were laughing about something to do with having children. I then thought I would wind him up a bit...
"Tick tock, tick tock. Do you hear that? That's the sound of my biological clock ticking!"
"I know!" he replied in quite an alarmed tone.
"It's going really slowly though", I said, trying to sound very relaxed about the whole thing - and noting his immediate response.
"But it's not. It's not going slowly!"
I didn't say anything else and just left it at that. But I was quite pleased, in a way, that he does have a grasp on the concept that we (I) can't hang around forever. I didn't think he was thinking like that at all so that was news to me.
So here is my general thought process... Life is great right now. I am having a brilliant time - doing all the things I want to do, spending time with the people I want to. I'm not going to wish that away. Please don't think that for one moment that having a baby is all I can think about. Yes, it's on my mind a lot at the moment but it's just because I am starting to deal with emotions and feelings that are new to me.
TB and I have been together two years in September. I would hope that a proposal is on his mind around that time - or before the end of the year. If there is no sign of movement by the two year mark then I'm going to start dropping hints being a bit more upfront about it. And if by the end of the year nothing has happened then it's time for a more serious chat.
In the meantime, I need to relax, enjoy myself and not worry about something that I'm sure will happen when the timing is right.
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
Bats in the attic
I'm feeling a bit out of sorts. The weekend has made me think about a few things that I wasn't expecting to. My mind is ticking over ten to the dozen and it seems to be sapping all my energy as I'm working through a few thoughts.
My emotions are a swinging about as my conscious thoughts marry up with the sub-conscious and that's draining. I was supposed to be up and at em bright and early this morning but I slept in really late - which done nothing to ease my mind as I now feel guilty for not being as productive as I should have been. And then I sacked off the gym as I needed to spend time at the PC. Double guilt. And tomorrow is weigh in.
Sometimes it's easy to forget that life isn't as easy as making a decision. You have to stick to it. You have to know your mind - really know your mind and make the right choices. Day after day.
Here endeth the cryptic post.
My emotions are a swinging about as my conscious thoughts marry up with the sub-conscious and that's draining. I was supposed to be up and at em bright and early this morning but I slept in really late - which done nothing to ease my mind as I now feel guilty for not being as productive as I should have been. And then I sacked off the gym as I needed to spend time at the PC. Double guilt. And tomorrow is weigh in.
Sometimes it's easy to forget that life isn't as easy as making a decision. You have to stick to it. You have to know your mind - really know your mind and make the right choices. Day after day.
Here endeth the cryptic post.
Monday, 16 January 2012
Settle down
Thanks for all the advice yesterday. I've been pretty vocal about not getting enough help and I've also explained that I don't like to nag. I don't want to have to tell him to do things.
I think after our chat when I nearly went stratospheric about the dishwasher loading incident things are going to improve. Last night dinner was a team effort and when I was hanging up some washing he came and helped me. Small things but they make such a difference. It also helped that because TB is on a training course this week there is no ironing to be done and his lunches are provided.
The other thing that has been getting me down is the atmosphere that comes with the hum drum and the nagging. A couple of times when I've been grumpy because I feel like I'm not getting enough help TB has said: "I've been looking forward to coming home to see you. Let's not fall out." I don't want to fall out either but if I'm annoyed, then that's the mood I'm in.
What I'm getting at is that I feel like the shine has come off a bit. Don't get me wrong, things are still amazing but it's just not quite how it was. Of course it's not going to be. We live together now. Before we always knew that in a day or two we would be saying goodbye, heading off to spend 5 days 100 miles apart and so every moment was enjoyed to the fullest. We gave our best, 100% all of the time. It's hard to give your best all of the time when you are getting in a tizz about cleaning the loo.
And as I've pointed out to TB - everything is different for me. I'm in a totally new city where I know hardly a soul. I've lost my routine, my flat -my whole world has changed. I miss my old city. I miss my flat. I hate not having an real friends here (yet). I've got plans to try and change that but it doesn't help how I feel right now. Even things are different with my cat. He has only been here 3 weeks and is still settling down. He's not the same pussycat as before. I miss how we were before.
Saturday night was a real struggle for me. TB mentioned earlier in the week that some of his friends from work (all boys) were going to see a band on Saturday night. I told him he should go. I want him to do his own thing. But that meant I was at home, alone on a Saturday night. I put a brave face on it for TB but I felt pretty low. There is nothing wrong with staying in on a Saturday night. I love it - when it is my choice. The pathetic part of me wanted TB to stay in with me but I would never have told him that. I wanted him to come to that conclusion on his own.
I quite enjoyed my night catching up on some of my programmes and then I went to the gym at 11pm! Ha. Rock and roll, eh? I'm glad I did though as at least I felt productive and was doing something for me.
So, the upshot is that things are good. I'm just adapting and finding my feet. I'm going home (to my mum and dad's house - where there is a new kitten!) today for the dentist and then to my old office on Tuesday in between a couple of meetings. I'm really looking forward to it and it'll probably be quite good for TB to come home from work and not find me doing my best impression of an attention starved puppy. My best mate is also coming up this weekend for Saturday and Sunday night and I can't wait.
In other dieting news. I am exercising like a mo fo. Sugar intake needs to be checked but other than that - bring on the scales!
Oh, finally. Rapunzel asked if TB knew I had a blog. He does. When he asked why Moonraker and I split up I had to explain the whole finding of the blog thing for it all to make sense. I told him that I had stopped because of that and it was TB that suggested I start again with a new blog, new name and no clues as to who I was in real life. I honestly don't think he'd look for the blog but if he did and he found it (doubtful) then he can read away as while this is all very personal and private and is not for his eyes, there is nothing here that he doesn't know or that I couldn't say to him.
I think after our chat when I nearly went stratospheric about the dishwasher loading incident things are going to improve. Last night dinner was a team effort and when I was hanging up some washing he came and helped me. Small things but they make such a difference. It also helped that because TB is on a training course this week there is no ironing to be done and his lunches are provided.
The other thing that has been getting me down is the atmosphere that comes with the hum drum and the nagging. A couple of times when I've been grumpy because I feel like I'm not getting enough help TB has said: "I've been looking forward to coming home to see you. Let's not fall out." I don't want to fall out either but if I'm annoyed, then that's the mood I'm in.
What I'm getting at is that I feel like the shine has come off a bit. Don't get me wrong, things are still amazing but it's just not quite how it was. Of course it's not going to be. We live together now. Before we always knew that in a day or two we would be saying goodbye, heading off to spend 5 days 100 miles apart and so every moment was enjoyed to the fullest. We gave our best, 100% all of the time. It's hard to give your best all of the time when you are getting in a tizz about cleaning the loo.
And as I've pointed out to TB - everything is different for me. I'm in a totally new city where I know hardly a soul. I've lost my routine, my flat -my whole world has changed. I miss my old city. I miss my flat. I hate not having an real friends here (yet). I've got plans to try and change that but it doesn't help how I feel right now. Even things are different with my cat. He has only been here 3 weeks and is still settling down. He's not the same pussycat as before. I miss how we were before.
Saturday night was a real struggle for me. TB mentioned earlier in the week that some of his friends from work (all boys) were going to see a band on Saturday night. I told him he should go. I want him to do his own thing. But that meant I was at home, alone on a Saturday night. I put a brave face on it for TB but I felt pretty low. There is nothing wrong with staying in on a Saturday night. I love it - when it is my choice. The pathetic part of me wanted TB to stay in with me but I would never have told him that. I wanted him to come to that conclusion on his own.
I quite enjoyed my night catching up on some of my programmes and then I went to the gym at 11pm! Ha. Rock and roll, eh? I'm glad I did though as at least I felt productive and was doing something for me.
So, the upshot is that things are good. I'm just adapting and finding my feet. I'm going home (to my mum and dad's house - where there is a new kitten!) today for the dentist and then to my old office on Tuesday in between a couple of meetings. I'm really looking forward to it and it'll probably be quite good for TB to come home from work and not find me doing my best impression of an attention starved puppy. My best mate is also coming up this weekend for Saturday and Sunday night and I can't wait.
In other dieting news. I am exercising like a mo fo. Sugar intake needs to be checked but other than that - bring on the scales!
Oh, finally. Rapunzel asked if TB knew I had a blog. He does. When he asked why Moonraker and I split up I had to explain the whole finding of the blog thing for it all to make sense. I told him that I had stopped because of that and it was TB that suggested I start again with a new blog, new name and no clues as to who I was in real life. I honestly don't think he'd look for the blog but if he did and he found it (doubtful) then he can read away as while this is all very personal and private and is not for his eyes, there is nothing here that he doesn't know or that I couldn't say to him.
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Poor Old Cinders
The first few blissful weeks where it feels like we've been playing house, have passed. The festive fun and holiday shenanigans are over. Living together is no longer something that's been long anticipated and envisaged as a cosy love nest. It's a reality. Mostly it's a really lovely reality but like anything else, there is slightly sour note that comes with the sweet overtones - nothing is perfect.
Let me just set out my stall before I say anything negative or make any statements that sound like they have come straight from the latest edition of An Idiots Guide to Being a Nagging Girlfriend. TB is the best. He is such a peach and I love living with him. While I'm about to... well, moan - that doesn't take away from the fact he is the best thing since sliced bread. This post is about what is annoying me. Not him. I dread to think what his version of this post would read like.
So what's up? I'll start with the domestics. Apart from the hoovering and taking the bin out (which I have to ask him to do as I seem to be the only one that fills it up) I am doing everything. Every sodding thing. This includes (and is not limited to) the cooking and tidying up afterwards (loading and emptying the dishwasher), washing the clothes - hanging them up and putting them away, ironing, making breakfast and lunch (ready for him to take to work with him), the food shopping and cleaning the bathroom. This is all partly my own fault though.
At the moment I am working from home and so it's easy for me to stick on a washing or empty the dishwasher when I've got 5 or 10 minutes. TB works a longer day than me, so I don't mind that. The breakfast and lunch prep, well - I don't have to do that - but it saves money and is healthier. If I need to chop up some fruit for my breakfast then it's not that big a deal to just do double and stick some in a tupperware box for him.
I like to cook and the control of making the meals (making sure they are healthy) is not something I am willing to give up. See - there's not much left for him to do! So what the chuff am I complaining about.
Well, when we are together in the flat and jobs need done I feel like I constantly need to ask and point out what needs done. Yesterday we were both in the kitchen. I was tidying up, putting shopping away and I asked him to empty the dishwasher. He did so and was about to sit down when I pointed out the dirty dishes that needed loaded. "You didn't say put the dishes in. You just asked me to empty the dishwasher", he said.
What? Are you actually being serious. I nearly lost the fucking plot right at that second. My face must have been a picture. I'm not going to shout at him and tell him what to do though. I'm not his bloody mother. I walked out the kitchen and took a moment in the bedroom, trying to calm myself. He came through a moment later (after having loaded the dishwasher). "What's wrong?", he asked. Did I really have to explain? I told him that he was being totally unreasonable and it wasn't my job to give him a tick list of things that needed done. He said he was joking. Now, here's the thing. I know he was joking but if I he could have gotten away with it, he would. That is taking the piss, good and proper.
He went onto say that he knew he wasn't doing enough to help out and would try harder. Okay - fair enough. I can't ask more than that. I also need to hold back a bit but it's hard. I want to live in a harmonious house and that means that things need to get done and I'm not going to wait until things get into such a mess that sorting it out will take ages and I'll end up doing the lion's share anyway.
It's a tricky one; getting the balance right. If anyone has any tips then I'd love to hear them.
There's a whole other are that I want to talk about. About living in a new city and trying to make my own life and routine - while TB already has his. I'm missing my old flat and life. Last night, Saturday night, I went to the gym.What is that all about? What a total loser. I've got lots to say on that which I'll save for another day.
For now, I'm off to get dinner in the over and do some ironing. Aaaaaaaaargh!
Let me just set out my stall before I say anything negative or make any statements that sound like they have come straight from the latest edition of An Idiots Guide to Being a Nagging Girlfriend. TB is the best. He is such a peach and I love living with him. While I'm about to... well, moan - that doesn't take away from the fact he is the best thing since sliced bread. This post is about what is annoying me. Not him. I dread to think what his version of this post would read like.
So what's up? I'll start with the domestics. Apart from the hoovering and taking the bin out (which I have to ask him to do as I seem to be the only one that fills it up) I am doing everything. Every sodding thing. This includes (and is not limited to) the cooking and tidying up afterwards (loading and emptying the dishwasher), washing the clothes - hanging them up and putting them away, ironing, making breakfast and lunch (ready for him to take to work with him), the food shopping and cleaning the bathroom. This is all partly my own fault though.
At the moment I am working from home and so it's easy for me to stick on a washing or empty the dishwasher when I've got 5 or 10 minutes. TB works a longer day than me, so I don't mind that. The breakfast and lunch prep, well - I don't have to do that - but it saves money and is healthier. If I need to chop up some fruit for my breakfast then it's not that big a deal to just do double and stick some in a tupperware box for him.
I like to cook and the control of making the meals (making sure they are healthy) is not something I am willing to give up. See - there's not much left for him to do! So what the chuff am I complaining about.
Well, when we are together in the flat and jobs need done I feel like I constantly need to ask and point out what needs done. Yesterday we were both in the kitchen. I was tidying up, putting shopping away and I asked him to empty the dishwasher. He did so and was about to sit down when I pointed out the dirty dishes that needed loaded. "You didn't say put the dishes in. You just asked me to empty the dishwasher", he said.
What? Are you actually being serious. I nearly lost the fucking plot right at that second. My face must have been a picture. I'm not going to shout at him and tell him what to do though. I'm not his bloody mother. I walked out the kitchen and took a moment in the bedroom, trying to calm myself. He came through a moment later (after having loaded the dishwasher). "What's wrong?", he asked. Did I really have to explain? I told him that he was being totally unreasonable and it wasn't my job to give him a tick list of things that needed done. He said he was joking. Now, here's the thing. I know he was joking but if I he could have gotten away with it, he would. That is taking the piss, good and proper.
He went onto say that he knew he wasn't doing enough to help out and would try harder. Okay - fair enough. I can't ask more than that. I also need to hold back a bit but it's hard. I want to live in a harmonious house and that means that things need to get done and I'm not going to wait until things get into such a mess that sorting it out will take ages and I'll end up doing the lion's share anyway.
It's a tricky one; getting the balance right. If anyone has any tips then I'd love to hear them.
There's a whole other are that I want to talk about. About living in a new city and trying to make my own life and routine - while TB already has his. I'm missing my old flat and life. Last night, Saturday night, I went to the gym.What is that all about? What a total loser. I've got lots to say on that which I'll save for another day.
For now, I'm off to get dinner in the over and do some ironing. Aaaaaaaaargh!
Friday, 25 November 2011
Tired and Emotional
Moving home is emotional.
The past three nights have seen tears. It doesn't help that I'm totally knackered - working all day and then working late as I try to catch up since I've spent my day changing my address, getting insurance quotes, arranging a van hire, sorting leases and so on. I get home, eat something and then it's all systems go as I sand walls, pack boxes and sort all my stuff that has accumulated over the past 9 years.
I moved into my flat in 2002 when I was just 22. It was a bit of a hole and over the years I've spent a lot of time and quite a bit of money making it into the quirky home that it is today. I only expected to be there for a few years but the next thing I knew it was 9 years later and I was totally in love with it. With every cupboard that I unpack I find something that fills me with emotion. First of all there was my handmade 18th birthday card from my best friend, the one that has just had the baby. Then, there was the letter from my Granny M. She died two years ago and I've been thinking about her a lot recently. I even had a dream about her the other week. This wouldn't really be noteworthy but at the weekend my parents gave me some money- from her. My brother got some money when he got married and so this money was saved up for me for when I got married. Well, my wee granny passed away before I could get married and so she never got the chance to give it to me herself.
This is the same woman who bought the cheapest food and would never take a taxi anywhere, yet she saved up to make sure she could give her family whatever she could. That was an emotional moment at the weekend but when I found her letter which also had one of her own recipes... it just about sent me over the edge.
And I'm also arranging for my beloved pussy cat to stay with my brother and his wife for a month until we are ready to take him in our new place. This is upsetting me as I will miss him and I hope he's not too distressed and being carted around the country for hours at a time. Poor boy.
Moving has also taken over everything! Where have been my updates on diet and exercise? And what else is going on? Lots - and I've not had a moment to tell you about it. It doesn't help that my laptop is away getting fixed and so I'm limited to using my phone in the evenings. I have been reading your blogs but my commenting has been woeful. Sorry.
Okay - here is a quick weight update. Last time I checked in I had lost 2lbs and was 11.5 stone. That weekend I was helping TB's folks to move house (everyone is doing it, don'tcha know?) and it was takeaway city. Terrible terrible. I couldn't get it together after that and ended up gaining the following week. 1.25lbs on taking me to 12stone 12.75. Ugh.
The past week has actually been great food wise but I've not had time to go to the gym. Just too busy. I got on the scales on Wednesday and somehow it seems I've lost weight... and incredibly 3lbs. 12 stone 9.75 flashed up. Well, actually it was less that that at first but I soon got it to creep up a bit. WTF?
I don't really think I've lost 3lbs - and if I have then some of it must be muscle. I've got another mad mental week and so I'm going to keep eating healthily and we'll see what the scales say next week. Even if they stay the same then I'll be happy.
Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 177.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 26.5 pounds
The past three nights have seen tears. It doesn't help that I'm totally knackered - working all day and then working late as I try to catch up since I've spent my day changing my address, getting insurance quotes, arranging a van hire, sorting leases and so on. I get home, eat something and then it's all systems go as I sand walls, pack boxes and sort all my stuff that has accumulated over the past 9 years.
I moved into my flat in 2002 when I was just 22. It was a bit of a hole and over the years I've spent a lot of time and quite a bit of money making it into the quirky home that it is today. I only expected to be there for a few years but the next thing I knew it was 9 years later and I was totally in love with it. With every cupboard that I unpack I find something that fills me with emotion. First of all there was my handmade 18th birthday card from my best friend, the one that has just had the baby. Then, there was the letter from my Granny M. She died two years ago and I've been thinking about her a lot recently. I even had a dream about her the other week. This wouldn't really be noteworthy but at the weekend my parents gave me some money- from her. My brother got some money when he got married and so this money was saved up for me for when I got married. Well, my wee granny passed away before I could get married and so she never got the chance to give it to me herself.
This is the same woman who bought the cheapest food and would never take a taxi anywhere, yet she saved up to make sure she could give her family whatever she could. That was an emotional moment at the weekend but when I found her letter which also had one of her own recipes... it just about sent me over the edge.
And I'm also arranging for my beloved pussy cat to stay with my brother and his wife for a month until we are ready to take him in our new place. This is upsetting me as I will miss him and I hope he's not too distressed and being carted around the country for hours at a time. Poor boy.
Moving has also taken over everything! Where have been my updates on diet and exercise? And what else is going on? Lots - and I've not had a moment to tell you about it. It doesn't help that my laptop is away getting fixed and so I'm limited to using my phone in the evenings. I have been reading your blogs but my commenting has been woeful. Sorry.
Okay - here is a quick weight update. Last time I checked in I had lost 2lbs and was 11.5 stone. That weekend I was helping TB's folks to move house (everyone is doing it, don'tcha know?) and it was takeaway city. Terrible terrible. I couldn't get it together after that and ended up gaining the following week. 1.25lbs on taking me to 12stone 12.75. Ugh.
The past week has actually been great food wise but I've not had time to go to the gym. Just too busy. I got on the scales on Wednesday and somehow it seems I've lost weight... and incredibly 3lbs. 12 stone 9.75 flashed up. Well, actually it was less that that at first but I soon got it to creep up a bit. WTF?
I don't really think I've lost 3lbs - and if I have then some of it must be muscle. I've got another mad mental week and so I'm going to keep eating healthily and we'll see what the scales say next week. Even if they stay the same then I'll be happy.
Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 177.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 3 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 26.5 pounds
Thursday, 6 October 2011
More stripping
When I blogged yesterday about the whole stripper thing I was feeling alright about it. Annoyed and I had a bad taste in my mouth but not much more. And then I spoke to TB.
I told him pretty much what I said I would: that I didn't like it, it didn't make me feel good and I thought it was tacky. He said, "I know". But I don't think he did know and I put down the phone after the call feeling really wound up about it all. I'm pretty stressed about work right now too and the two things combined just sent me into a downward spiral.
It's not often I get into a funk but last night I was on a proper downer and teetering on being really upset. I meant to go the gym but I couldn't face it. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and forget about everything.
TB called me around 11pm as we always speak before going to sleep. That was why he called me at 2.30am the other night. We always call at bedtime - no matter what that bedtime is. After chatting about various other things he eventually asked me if I was alright and we began to chat about why I wasn't happy.
I explained that I felt really horrible about the whole thing and couldn't understand why he had done it. I am not happy at all about the fact he was alone with a naked woman who was dancing for him. He said he knew it wasn't good and that's why he called me the next morning before work. I forgot to mention he rang me at 7.50am the next morning too. He said he woke up and remembered all about it and felt bad and that's why he called me.
I wish he'd told me that at the time, which I also told him. We chatted on a bit more about it all and I wrapped it all up with, "I would never tell you what you could and couldn't do but I think paying for a dance is not cool and it made me feel weird. If you're ever in that situation again then I hope you would think more carefully about what you do."
So it's over and done with and I feel a lot better. It's really not that big a deal now that I've had a chance to let the dust settle. I'm glad I said what I did and that is that. TB did make a very valid point after we had dissected the whole thing. We're going on a boozy night out tomorrow. He said; "Please don't get drunk and fall out with me about it."
Good point, TB. It's done and I must remember that.
I told him pretty much what I said I would: that I didn't like it, it didn't make me feel good and I thought it was tacky. He said, "I know". But I don't think he did know and I put down the phone after the call feeling really wound up about it all. I'm pretty stressed about work right now too and the two things combined just sent me into a downward spiral.
It's not often I get into a funk but last night I was on a proper downer and teetering on being really upset. I meant to go the gym but I couldn't face it. I just wanted to crawl under the covers and forget about everything.
TB called me around 11pm as we always speak before going to sleep. That was why he called me at 2.30am the other night. We always call at bedtime - no matter what that bedtime is. After chatting about various other things he eventually asked me if I was alright and we began to chat about why I wasn't happy.
I explained that I felt really horrible about the whole thing and couldn't understand why he had done it. I am not happy at all about the fact he was alone with a naked woman who was dancing for him. He said he knew it wasn't good and that's why he called me the next morning before work. I forgot to mention he rang me at 7.50am the next morning too. He said he woke up and remembered all about it and felt bad and that's why he called me.
I wish he'd told me that at the time, which I also told him. We chatted on a bit more about it all and I wrapped it all up with, "I would never tell you what you could and couldn't do but I think paying for a dance is not cool and it made me feel weird. If you're ever in that situation again then I hope you would think more carefully about what you do."
So it's over and done with and I feel a lot better. It's really not that big a deal now that I've had a chance to let the dust settle. I'm glad I said what I did and that is that. TB did make a very valid point after we had dissected the whole thing. We're going on a boozy night out tomorrow. He said; "Please don't get drunk and fall out with me about it."
Good point, TB. It's done and I must remember that.
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Weigh in
Okay - we have a number. And that number is 0.5. I'm half a pound down from where I was two weeks ago.
I have no idea what weight I was last week - it might well have been up on the week before - so I am happy to take the half pound off. This means that today I'm sitting at 12stone 10.75lbs. That's just 3.25lbs off my lightest ever and 2.5 off the two stone mark. That is nothing! I could lose that in a few weeks if I keep the focus.
Not only am I back to working out 5 days a week (well, until next week went work life and social life go totally mental - have I told you I am going to see Erasure?!) but I'm back to the simple meals of fish and pile of veggies for dinner, fruit for snacking and lots of coffee. I know the coffee thing isn't really that good for you but I love it and it helps distract me from other food.
I felt pretty wobbly last week (physically wobbly, not mentally) especially around the tummy area, which is not usually my problem area but I'm glad to say I'm feeling better this week and I feel confident about pushing on and waving goodbye to those pesky 3lbs that just won't take the hint!
Now, I want to chat about something completely unrelated. Strippers. I know, where did that come from? I'll give you one guess. TB.
Last night (a Tuesday night, no less) TB called me at 2.30am. Totally shitfaced. A few after work drinks escalated into a very boozy night and he was hammered. He then reveals he had been to a strip bar. Not a big group of boys, just two of them. And he paid one of them £10 for a dance. I know his mate and I know it would have been his idea but still, I'm not happy about this.
Normally, I don't give a shit if my boyfriend goes to the strippers - if it's part of a big group and a lairy boys night out. When there are just two of them on a Tuesday night - and he pays for a dance... Well, I just think it's a bit seedy. Not to mention the fact I am watching the money like a hawk at the moment and he is giving £10 to a stripper. That is pretty unrelated as it's his money and he can do what he likes with it - it just infuriates me.
I have no doubt in my mind that he would cheat on me. Ever. In fact, while there is no way I would do it to him either I do think I'm the higher risk of the two of us. There is no risk - at all, but if I HAD to name one of us, it would be me.
I just don't like it though. I think it's seedy and sad and it doesn't make me feel that great about myself. He knows I'm not happy about it - I made this clear when we were speaking last night. I'm not going to bang on about it today when we speak when he is sober as I don't want him to not tell me if he goes, but I do need to tell him how it makes me feel.
Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 178.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 25.5 pounds
PS) Think these stats were all wrong last weigh in - sorted now.
I have no idea what weight I was last week - it might well have been up on the week before - so I am happy to take the half pound off. This means that today I'm sitting at 12stone 10.75lbs. That's just 3.25lbs off my lightest ever and 2.5 off the two stone mark. That is nothing! I could lose that in a few weeks if I keep the focus.
Not only am I back to working out 5 days a week (well, until next week went work life and social life go totally mental - have I told you I am going to see Erasure?!) but I'm back to the simple meals of fish and pile of veggies for dinner, fruit for snacking and lots of coffee. I know the coffee thing isn't really that good for you but I love it and it helps distract me from other food.
I felt pretty wobbly last week (physically wobbly, not mentally) especially around the tummy area, which is not usually my problem area but I'm glad to say I'm feeling better this week and I feel confident about pushing on and waving goodbye to those pesky 3lbs that just won't take the hint!
Now, I want to chat about something completely unrelated. Strippers. I know, where did that come from? I'll give you one guess. TB.
Last night (a Tuesday night, no less) TB called me at 2.30am. Totally shitfaced. A few after work drinks escalated into a very boozy night and he was hammered. He then reveals he had been to a strip bar. Not a big group of boys, just two of them. And he paid one of them £10 for a dance. I know his mate and I know it would have been his idea but still, I'm not happy about this.
Normally, I don't give a shit if my boyfriend goes to the strippers - if it's part of a big group and a lairy boys night out. When there are just two of them on a Tuesday night - and he pays for a dance... Well, I just think it's a bit seedy. Not to mention the fact I am watching the money like a hawk at the moment and he is giving £10 to a stripper. That is pretty unrelated as it's his money and he can do what he likes with it - it just infuriates me.
I have no doubt in my mind that he would cheat on me. Ever. In fact, while there is no way I would do it to him either I do think I'm the higher risk of the two of us. There is no risk - at all, but if I HAD to name one of us, it would be me.
I just don't like it though. I think it's seedy and sad and it doesn't make me feel that great about myself. He knows I'm not happy about it - I made this clear when we were speaking last night. I'm not going to bang on about it today when we speak when he is sober as I don't want him to not tell me if he goes, but I do need to tell him how it makes me feel.
Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 178.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 25.5 pounds
PS) Think these stats were all wrong last weigh in - sorted now.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
E = Mc Fatty
The title of this post should be 'Weigh in'. Should. It's not. It's not because I couldn't face the scales this morning. For the first time since March, I've dodged a weigh in.
After my mini meltdown on Friday I proceeded to stuff my face for most of the weekend, culminating in a toffee frenzy on Sunday night. Hmmmm. Not good. Monday morning rolled around and I started the day well. Fruit for breakfast, scrambled eggs (no toast) for lunch and cold meat for dinner. Yeah, that's not much for dinner but I was driving and that was the easiest thing to eat - alongside the best part of a massive back of mint humbugs. Whoops. I was buzzing on sugar, let me tell you. Distracted, edgy, tired but not relaxed.
I was visiting my friend 50 miles away who has just had a baby. I was heading home and I saw the turnoff on the motorway for my parent's house. I took it. I needed some mummy loving and so I headed to the family nest.
After blethering with my mum and dad for a while, mum and I soon got down to the serious nitty gritty. I didn't quite give her the full version of what I posted her on Friday but I did allude to the fact that I was worried about being left behind. She didn't give me much of chance to dwell on that and cut me off with a "Don't worry about that" - and moved onto what positive action I was going to take. Okay then - no time for self doubt or pity then.
But it's the positive action that I'm struggling with. I've definitely put on quite a few pounds. I can feel it when I'm running; I can feel it in my clothes. I'm not sure of the extent of the damage but it has been done, I can promise you that.
The problem has been having a firm plan of action, for food and exercise, and actually sticking to it. Real life has gotten in the way, work is really busy and my social life too. I've got things happening in the evenings, more time is spent in front of my computer and I've just not had the time to dedicate to the weight loss journey. Dedication is what is takes for me to lose weight and it's that all or nothing attitude that has worked for me. A formula works because of the exact ingredients. If one ingredient changes then it's game over. That's what it's felt like for me. My magical blend has been tampered with.
Well, get yer lab coat and pop on those safety specs on because I'm cooking up a new formula.
So I'm struggling to exercise five times a week at pull pelt? I now do 4 and really really push myself for every minute of those. Plan, plan, plan. Get cooking, prepare meals, take a bag of carrots and some cold meat to the office to snack on during the day. Limit the treats - especially during the week. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I just need to think and act accordingly.
The next weigh in will be on Wednesday 5th October. I've got a hen weekend to negotiate between then and now but I can do it. I will do it.
Onwards.
After my mini meltdown on Friday I proceeded to stuff my face for most of the weekend, culminating in a toffee frenzy on Sunday night. Hmmmm. Not good. Monday morning rolled around and I started the day well. Fruit for breakfast, scrambled eggs (no toast) for lunch and cold meat for dinner. Yeah, that's not much for dinner but I was driving and that was the easiest thing to eat - alongside the best part of a massive back of mint humbugs. Whoops. I was buzzing on sugar, let me tell you. Distracted, edgy, tired but not relaxed.
I was visiting my friend 50 miles away who has just had a baby. I was heading home and I saw the turnoff on the motorway for my parent's house. I took it. I needed some mummy loving and so I headed to the family nest.
After blethering with my mum and dad for a while, mum and I soon got down to the serious nitty gritty. I didn't quite give her the full version of what I posted her on Friday but I did allude to the fact that I was worried about being left behind. She didn't give me much of chance to dwell on that and cut me off with a "Don't worry about that" - and moved onto what positive action I was going to take. Okay then - no time for self doubt or pity then.
But it's the positive action that I'm struggling with. I've definitely put on quite a few pounds. I can feel it when I'm running; I can feel it in my clothes. I'm not sure of the extent of the damage but it has been done, I can promise you that.
The problem has been having a firm plan of action, for food and exercise, and actually sticking to it. Real life has gotten in the way, work is really busy and my social life too. I've got things happening in the evenings, more time is spent in front of my computer and I've just not had the time to dedicate to the weight loss journey. Dedication is what is takes for me to lose weight and it's that all or nothing attitude that has worked for me. A formula works because of the exact ingredients. If one ingredient changes then it's game over. That's what it's felt like for me. My magical blend has been tampered with.
Well, get yer lab coat and pop on those safety specs on because I'm cooking up a new formula.
So I'm struggling to exercise five times a week at pull pelt? I now do 4 and really really push myself for every minute of those. Plan, plan, plan. Get cooking, prepare meals, take a bag of carrots and some cold meat to the office to snack on during the day. Limit the treats - especially during the week. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I just need to think and act accordingly.
The next weigh in will be on Wednesday 5th October. I've got a hen weekend to negotiate between then and now but I can do it. I will do it.
Onwards.
Friday, 23 September 2011
Different paths
Is it the be all and end all? No, of course it’s not. Losing weight is not ‘it’. But for so long – all my life, it’s been the holy grail. Even when I was a child, and I didn’t need to lose weight it was what I thought I wanted. What I thought I needed.
Eventually it was what I needed. 15 and a half stone and miserable the decision to actually do it, to commit myself to losing weight had to be made or things could have gone in a very different direction.
Now, years later, I’ve done it again – lost some of the weight that has made me feel like an outsider so many times in my life. My weight has been, and is, such a big issue for me. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and every decision I make throughout the day is connected to it. What will I wear, how do I look, what will people think, am I fit enough, will people be laughing at me. All the time. It’s constant. Never-ending, and exhausting.
Yes, three stone lighter than my heaviest weight, those feelings of insecurity are not as strong as they used to be. I feel so much better than I used to. I feel something quite close to normal. I know I’m not done though, I’m not normal. I’m still bigger than almost all my friends. But... I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my total, laser like, dedication. I don’t know if this journey is going to continue anymore and that’s the hardest part to swallow for one main reason... my mum.
We’ve both being dieting for all our lives. Most years my mum loses around a stone and a half, and then puts it back on again. This year the penny seems to have dropped for us both. I’ve lost 2 stone, she’s lost 3. She’s the lightest weight she can ever remember being – since she was 11. She is going strong and shows no signs of stopping. Whereas I? Oh, I think it’s safe to stay I’ve stopped – and I keep stalling.
I’m not happy about my lack of progress and more specifically, my state of mind. I am just not feeling it. I’m going through the motions with 75% of the effort. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve lost two stone. I’m sure I can keep it off and this might be it. My mum – she is still gung ho and our difference in attitudes is really upsetting me.
We talk about weight loss and dieting to no-one else except each other. Yes, we talk about it to other people but we don’t really discuss it with anyone else, get into the nitty gritty. No-one (except you lot) really know how much it affects me like she does, and vice versa. We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and being able to lose weight at the same time (for once) has been brilliant. But now... it feels like our paths are going in two very different directions.
We were just chatting on the phone and I mentioned I’d had my hair cut but it was just a trim; I’m getting something more drastic done in November. My mum replied, “Well by the time November comes around you could be looking even thinner.” My heart sank. My mum doesn’t care what size I am, as long as I am healthy and happy. I know she’s just trying to gee me up and that’s her mindset at the moment – future dates are tied to possible weight loss. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear though. I said “Everything isn’t tied to that”. “Yes it is!” she said.
No, it’s not.
What’s upsetting me is if I don’t lose any more weight how am I going to cheer her on? How am I going to convincingly motivate her and compliment her? She’ll stop talking to me about it and it’ll become the elephant in the room. The sad fact is also that I don’t want her to be smaller than me. How selfish is that?
I tried to explain that this might be the end of the weight loss road for me and that we might be going in different directions now.
The phone line was terrible and I got cut off. I didn’t call her back.
I feel so upset now. I don’t want to have lost my drive. I don’t want my mum to leave me behind.
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