Different paths

Is it the be all and end all? No, of course it’s not. Losing weight is not ‘it’. But for so long – all my life, it’s been the holy grail. Even when I was a child, and I didn’t need to lose weight it was what I thought I wanted. What I thought I needed. 

Eventually it was what I needed. 15 and a half stone and miserable the decision to actually do it, to commit myself to losing weight had to be made or things could have gone in a very different direction. 

Now, years later, I’ve done it again – lost some of the weight that has made me feel like an outsider so many times in my life. My weight has been, and is, such a big issue for me. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and every decision I make throughout the day is connected to it. What will I wear, how do I look, what will people think, am I fit enough, will people be laughing at me. All the time. It’s constant. Never-ending, and exhausting. 

Yes, three stone lighter than my heaviest weight, those feelings of insecurity are not as strong as they used to be. I feel so much better than I used to. I feel something quite close to normal. I know I’m not done though, I’m not normal. I’m still bigger than almost all my friends. But... I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my total, laser like, dedication. I don’t know if this journey is going to continue anymore and that’s the hardest part to swallow for one main reason... my mum.

We’ve both being dieting for all our lives. Most years my mum loses around a stone and a half, and then puts it back on again. This year the penny seems to have dropped for us both. I’ve lost 2 stone, she’s lost 3. She’s the lightest weight she can ever remember being – since she was 11. She is going strong and shows no signs of stopping. Whereas I? Oh, I think it’s safe to stay I’ve stopped – and I keep stalling. 

I’m not happy about my lack of progress and more specifically, my state of mind. I am just not feeling it. I’m going through the motions with 75% of the effort. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve lost two stone. I’m sure I can keep it off and this might be it. My mum – she is still gung ho and our difference in attitudes is really upsetting me.

We talk about weight loss and dieting to no-one else except each other. Yes, we talk about it to other people but we don’t really discuss it with anyone else, get into the nitty gritty. No-one (except you lot) really know how much it affects me like she does, and vice versa. We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and being able to lose weight at the same time (for once) has been brilliant. But now... it feels like our paths are going in two very different directions. 

We were just chatting on the phone and I mentioned I’d had my hair cut but it was just a trim; I’m getting something more drastic done in November. My mum replied, “Well by the time November comes around you could be looking even thinner.” My heart sank. My mum doesn’t care what size I am, as long as I am healthy and happy. I know she’s just trying to gee me up and that’s her mindset at the moment – future dates are tied to possible weight loss. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear though. I said “Everything isn’t tied to that”. “Yes it is!” she said. 

No, it’s not.

What’s upsetting me is if I don’t lose any more weight how am I going to cheer her on? How am I going to convincingly motivate her and compliment her? She’ll stop talking to me about it and it’ll become the elephant in the room. The sad fact is also that I don’t want her to be smaller than me. How selfish is that? 

I tried to explain that this might be the end of the weight loss road for me and that we might be going in different directions now.

The phone line was terrible and I got cut off. I didn’t call her back.

I feel so upset now. I don’t want to have lost my drive. I don’t want my mum to leave me behind.