Working 9 - 5

How many people wish they were their own boss? How many wish they could work from home? How many want to chose who their clients are and who they work for?

Tick, tick and tick. All those things apply to me. I've got it pretty good, right?  I'm very lucky. I'm a sort of freelancer who works from home - offering a service to various different clients (no, I'm not  a prostitute). I've worked for various different agencies but about two and half years ago I decided I had enough working for a total dick head and decided to go it alone. I was gonna cut out the middle man and take all the spoils for myself! I'd be working from home so there would be very few overheads and I'd be living the flexible lifestyle that so many desire. It was the perfect plan.

And it has been so good - mostly. I really like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I love the fact that my decision is final. I have total autonomy and I don't have to pander to someone senior that I don't agree with. If I'm approached to do work for a company that I don't like/understand/agree with - I don't take on the work. Simple as that.

I work when I want to work. Okay - the work has to get done but if I want to take three hours for lunch, and I've got the time - then I do it. If I want a cheeky afternoon off? Why the hell not!

I think the flexibility has to be one of the best things about working for myself. It's meant I've been able to see more of friends that are on maternity leave, see more of my family as I can meet my mum and gran for lunch if we are all free. It's also been a huge plus point for TB and I. Living two and a half hours apart for the first year of our relationship was tough at the best of times but the fact I could head to his on a Thursday night, work from his flat on a Friday and then head home on a Monday morning - was fantastic.

And being master of my own schedule has undoubtedly played significant role in my weight loss success. It's given me the time that I've needed to make it a priority. Yeah, I work out five times a week - for at least an hour at a time - but that's because I've got the time to do it. I don't have a commute, I don't have pointless internal meetings, I don't have to be at my desk 9-5. I have extra time - and I am so thankful that I did.

So what's the problem? Well, there are two big problems. Firstly, working alone. I love it but as soon as I am back in an office environment I realise how much I miss it. I love being part of a team. And I like being around people. Being on your own all day long, most days, is not good for you. You think you're okay. You convince yourself that you like it. And while it's okay some of the time, it's not good all of the time.

The second problem? Money. Of course. Most months I earn quite good money but all it takes is a couple of months hard going and it ruins me for the rest of the year. I'm just about to come to my financial year end and I earned less than last year. I'm going backwards. This is not good. I have a credit card bill that doesn't seem to be getting any smaller. I am constantly watching the pennies and hardly spending any money on myself. I am almost 32 years old, this is no way to live my life.

I think I'm going to have to get a job.

Different paths

Is it the be all and end all? No, of course it’s not. Losing weight is not ‘it’. But for so long – all my life, it’s been the holy grail. Even when I was a child, and I didn’t need to lose weight it was what I thought I wanted. What I thought I needed. 

Eventually it was what I needed. 15 and a half stone and miserable the decision to actually do it, to commit myself to losing weight had to be made or things could have gone in a very different direction. 

Now, years later, I’ve done it again – lost some of the weight that has made me feel like an outsider so many times in my life. My weight has been, and is, such a big issue for me. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and every decision I make throughout the day is connected to it. What will I wear, how do I look, what will people think, am I fit enough, will people be laughing at me. All the time. It’s constant. Never-ending, and exhausting. 

Yes, three stone lighter than my heaviest weight, those feelings of insecurity are not as strong as they used to be. I feel so much better than I used to. I feel something quite close to normal. I know I’m not done though, I’m not normal. I’m still bigger than almost all my friends. But... I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my total, laser like, dedication. I don’t know if this journey is going to continue anymore and that’s the hardest part to swallow for one main reason... my mum.

We’ve both being dieting for all our lives. Most years my mum loses around a stone and a half, and then puts it back on again. This year the penny seems to have dropped for us both. I’ve lost 2 stone, she’s lost 3. She’s the lightest weight she can ever remember being – since she was 11. She is going strong and shows no signs of stopping. Whereas I? Oh, I think it’s safe to stay I’ve stopped – and I keep stalling. 

I’m not happy about my lack of progress and more specifically, my state of mind. I am just not feeling it. I’m going through the motions with 75% of the effort. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve lost two stone. I’m sure I can keep it off and this might be it. My mum – she is still gung ho and our difference in attitudes is really upsetting me.

We talk about weight loss and dieting to no-one else except each other. Yes, we talk about it to other people but we don’t really discuss it with anyone else, get into the nitty gritty. No-one (except you lot) really know how much it affects me like she does, and vice versa. We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and being able to lose weight at the same time (for once) has been brilliant. But now... it feels like our paths are going in two very different directions. 

We were just chatting on the phone and I mentioned I’d had my hair cut but it was just a trim; I’m getting something more drastic done in November. My mum replied, “Well by the time November comes around you could be looking even thinner.” My heart sank. My mum doesn’t care what size I am, as long as I am healthy and happy. I know she’s just trying to gee me up and that’s her mindset at the moment – future dates are tied to possible weight loss. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear though. I said “Everything isn’t tied to that”. “Yes it is!” she said. 

No, it’s not.

What’s upsetting me is if I don’t lose any more weight how am I going to cheer her on? How am I going to convincingly motivate her and compliment her? She’ll stop talking to me about it and it’ll become the elephant in the room. The sad fact is also that I don’t want her to be smaller than me. How selfish is that? 

I tried to explain that this might be the end of the weight loss road for me and that we might be going in different directions now.

The phone line was terrible and I got cut off. I didn’t call her back.

I feel so upset now. I don’t want to have lost my drive. I don’t want my mum to leave me behind.

Oh hi... reality

I'm feeling totally out of sorts. Forget the diet and the crap that goes along with it, I'd kinda forgotten about life and everything else that goes on outside self absorption, and now it's jumped up and bitten me in the arse.

I've mentioned before that I'm self employed. It's a fantastic lifestyle if you can get it right. You call the shots. You have to work hard to deliver? No problem, you are the one making the money at the end of it all - and the one that has made the decisions that have got you here. Over the past year I've been getting it right. I had a really busy time over Christmas and into the early part of this year. I was fine about that though - I knew May and June were going to be a bit quieter and I'd get a chance to faff about a bit. May and June have been and are almost gone. And faff I did. Boy did I faff. I've fannied about and not done much at all. I've visited TB loads but I never really want to be too far away from my computer, as I am working throughout the day - just not at a very intensive rate.

The truth is that while it's been great to have some time I've not been as nearly as productive as I could have been. Yes, it's given me a chance to really focus my thoughts on keeping the diet going (although let's not talk about the weekend that just was) I'm annoyed with myself for not achieving more. It's the stupid things that I can't seem to motivate myself to do. I've been promising myself for weeks that I'd clean the floors yet they remain littered with the debris of weekends gone by. Untidy, never mind cleaned.

Sorry, I'm digressing here a bit. What I'm about to reveal is that two very large projects which were about to kick off in July and August and take me right through until 2012 are now no longer. They no longer exist. A massive chunk (around 50%) of my income has disappeared. In less than a week I have gone from possibly too much work to not nearly enough and my hand is hovering dangerously over the panic button.

I need to get work in and I need to get work in fast. So not only do I need to identify possible new clients I also need to make contact and convince them they want to part with their cash for me. I am not exactly brimming with enthusiasm about this.

The thought of working for someone else fills me with dread. I know so many people do it day in, day out and they cope. I've been there done that and I told them to shove their t-shirt up their arse. Now that I know what it's like to be the boss, my boss, I couldn't go back. And not to mention the impact that would have on TB and I. The flexibility in my job has allowed our relationship to become what it is. If I worked for someone else I'd be getting the train to see him at 6pm on a Friday and leaving at 8pm on a Sunday - and paying a sodding fortune for the pleasure. Okay, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. I need to calm down. I am panicking.

I think the lack of productivity over the past month or so is most definitely not helping. A couple of days of dedicated work, no messing about on the net, no writing blogs, no watching the biggest loser, no procrastinating is what's needed. I've been here before, I'll get myself out of it again.

Speedtrain coming through

Shitting hell. Who the fark decided life was going to go radio rental (mental - do try and keep up). I've got all these posts (okay, two) carefully composed in my head and there ain't no time to write them.

I've had three new business enquiries come through all today and two of them are definite go-ers. The other I have to write a proposal for so it's all systems go, and yer granny's systems too. I actually don't know how I am going to do all this work and I am panicking a bit. Yes, that's why spending time blogging. I know, I know!

Apart from taking my car to the garage for an MOT and service first thing tomorrow I've got a whole day at my desk and so I'm going to have to beast on as much as I can before trotting off to spinning at 5.30pm. See, that's part of the problem. Going to the gym takes up valuable time. I was out this evening at a voluntry thing I do and so I HAD to go to the gym at lunchtime today. I'm off up to TB's on Thursday afternoon and so I'm trying to cram as much exercise in as possible while I'm at home. I also cycled to my thing tonight which was 25 minutes each way.

Once I've wrapped this baby up, I need to call my mother and then I'm going to do work for an hour and then it'll be time to do the dishes and then hang the washing up and then go to bed. Oh, and speak to TB as well. So that'll be another 11.30pm bedtime. And then tomorrow morning I get to weigh myself! Lucky me!

In prepartation for possible bad times on the scales tomorrow I've made a note of some  non scale victories to keep me in good spirits (not the kind I'd like).

• Sleeves on a dress I was wearing the other day felt looser around the tops of my arms
• Tummy definitely looks and feels flatter
• Mum said my cheekbones are more prominient and my face doesn't look as round
• Belt is doing up a notch tighter
• Feeling fitter and stronger when exercising

Onwards and downwards!

Traingular Walls Are Closing In

Moonraker has made contact. We're meeting tomorrow after work for an indepth chat.

My head is spinning. The advice you all have given me is bang on the money and, if I were single the truth is I would be aiming for a reconciliation and taking all your points on board. I mean, he really needs to prove himself. Prove that he knows how badly he fucked up.

Something is niggling me though - and this is it.... We just spoke on the phone and he said that if he had known I was seeing someone else then he wouldn't have said anything because it's put me in a difficult situation and he feels bad for that. Hmmmm - bit too laid back if you ask me. I told him (in a very period drama kind of dramatic way) that if you think there is even a chance you can get something you want then you have to have the courage of your convictions and to fight for it.

We only scratched the surface (miaow!) as we're going to get into the nitty gritty tomorrow and like some sort of psycho I am writing a list of questions for him. Wanna see?

• Why do you think you looked for things that were wrong with the relationship
• What reasons did you give your friends for ending it?
• What changed your mind – made you want to try again?
•  It took you ages to split up with your ex even though you knew deep down you wanted to. Why were you able to so easily end it with me – so quickly?
•  What makes you think you’re not going to do the same thing again? What’s changed?
•  I’ve got a lot of male friends that I text, joke on with – are you going to be okay with that?
• If we did give it another go how do you feel about the fact I’ve been seeing someone else? Are you going to have a hard time with that? Are you going to bring it up if you’re annoyed about something?
•  Do you think you really want to try again? You said if you’d known I was seeing someone else then you wouldn’t have said anything. If you’re not willing to pull out the stops to get me back then do you really want it?
•  Sex, do you think we can begin to create a situation that wasn’t there in the first place? One where we feel connected and relaxed and confident?

·    What do you think? Anything else I should add?

And then there is ToyBoy. Lovely, lovely ToyBoy. He called just after I spoke to Moonraker. He's such a brilliant person. He even made a joke tonight, about us moving in together! Yeah, do not fancy living in his city one bit. And he's making all these plans for our long weekend away abroad. I'm paying for the flights and he's paying for the hotel. At first I thought, great - cause if we don't go I'll lose money for the flights and the hotel will maybe be a deposit at most. But no - that would be far too simple! He's booking through some agency place with whom he has to pay up front! Gah! And he's all like "You booked the flights yet?' and counting how many weekends it is till we go. Gaaaaaaaah! I'd normally kill for a guy like this but I'm freaking out about it.

AND I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow which I will probably HATE. Oh and did I mention I'm the size of a HOUSE!?