Oh hi... reality

I'm feeling totally out of sorts. Forget the diet and the crap that goes along with it, I'd kinda forgotten about life and everything else that goes on outside self absorption, and now it's jumped up and bitten me in the arse.

I've mentioned before that I'm self employed. It's a fantastic lifestyle if you can get it right. You call the shots. You have to work hard to deliver? No problem, you are the one making the money at the end of it all - and the one that has made the decisions that have got you here. Over the past year I've been getting it right. I had a really busy time over Christmas and into the early part of this year. I was fine about that though - I knew May and June were going to be a bit quieter and I'd get a chance to faff about a bit. May and June have been and are almost gone. And faff I did. Boy did I faff. I've fannied about and not done much at all. I've visited TB loads but I never really want to be too far away from my computer, as I am working throughout the day - just not at a very intensive rate.

The truth is that while it's been great to have some time I've not been as nearly as productive as I could have been. Yes, it's given me a chance to really focus my thoughts on keeping the diet going (although let's not talk about the weekend that just was) I'm annoyed with myself for not achieving more. It's the stupid things that I can't seem to motivate myself to do. I've been promising myself for weeks that I'd clean the floors yet they remain littered with the debris of weekends gone by. Untidy, never mind cleaned.

Sorry, I'm digressing here a bit. What I'm about to reveal is that two very large projects which were about to kick off in July and August and take me right through until 2012 are now no longer. They no longer exist. A massive chunk (around 50%) of my income has disappeared. In less than a week I have gone from possibly too much work to not nearly enough and my hand is hovering dangerously over the panic button.

I need to get work in and I need to get work in fast. So not only do I need to identify possible new clients I also need to make contact and convince them they want to part with their cash for me. I am not exactly brimming with enthusiasm about this.

The thought of working for someone else fills me with dread. I know so many people do it day in, day out and they cope. I've been there done that and I told them to shove their t-shirt up their arse. Now that I know what it's like to be the boss, my boss, I couldn't go back. And not to mention the impact that would have on TB and I. The flexibility in my job has allowed our relationship to become what it is. If I worked for someone else I'd be getting the train to see him at 6pm on a Friday and leaving at 8pm on a Sunday - and paying a sodding fortune for the pleasure. Okay, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself here. I need to calm down. I am panicking.

I think the lack of productivity over the past month or so is most definitely not helping. A couple of days of dedicated work, no messing about on the net, no writing blogs, no watching the biggest loser, no procrastinating is what's needed. I've been here before, I'll get myself out of it again.