Friday, 17 June 2011

Back Fat

Some people reading this blog will have followed me over from my old one which I had been writing since 2005 but I’ve realised that newer readers won’t realised that I’ve been blogging for about six years. When I started my blog the sole purpose was to help me lose weight.

In October 2004 I reached the point where I knew that something had to be done about not only the size of my arse but my whole body. It was getting out of control. I was a 24 year old girl wasting her youth under a layer of fat and being suffocated by insecurities and so after three months of thinking about what I was going to do; how I was going to tackle this lifelong issue I weighed in on January 10th 2005 at 15 stone 6lbs.

Before I explain the last six years of weight loss I should give a bit of background about the first 24 years of my life and how did I ended up tipping the scales and 15 and a half stone.

School Years
I was ‘normal’ child- no way was I skinny but I certainly wasn’t overweight but as I neared puberty my hips emerged and the next thing I knew I’m a 10 year old girl that boys are calling fat.  I look back and that angers me so much. There is no way I was fat but I was more developed that my friends and the only way other kids could process that was to label me as fat.

As I got into my teenage years a few pounds crept on here and there and I knew I was bigger than my friends.  I had quite a lot of puppy fat and I used to stress about PE and having to change into my hockey skirt and then having to walk past the boys. When I was about 15/16 the puppy fat melted away and I was looking and feeling good. All of a sudden boys were interested.

I knew I was still a bit heavy and this is when my first diet in earnest started. My mum and I joined a slimming club- one which was part of Slimming Magazine. I must have only been around 11 stone (my god, what I wouldn’t give for that now!) and I managed to lose 11lbs by following the calorie controlled diet. I remember wearing a red catsuit/jumpsuit to my Christmas Dance at school that year and I felt amazing.

After that Christmas, I don’t know what happened. I just let it slide – something which has become a recurring theme in my dieting life.
Uni Days
In the September I left home and went to uni. That’s when the real trouble started.  I lived on pasta, cheese, bread, booze and takeaways. My weight started to climb. At some point during my first year I realised something had to be done and for the second time Mum and I started a diet challenge. I remember being in the 12 stone range and in total I lost 17lbs and so I think I got into the 11s.

Now get ready – here’s the pattern... I felt great. I let it slide. I gained it all back – and more.  In fact I kept gaining until I was in 3rd year at uni (with a few 10lbs losses here and there which promptly went back on). I met The Highlander (my ex) in 2000 when I was 19 and I was around 13 stone 10lbs. A few months later I have a distinct memory of being 14 stone 4lbs.

A (fat) working woman
In October 2001 I joined weight watchers, still around 14 stone 4lbs. I lost 10lbs. I got bored. I let it slide. I so desperately wanted to be thinner but I wasn’t willing to make the lifestyle change that came with it. The notion of ‘working out’ and going to the gym is really a very new one. People didn't used to go to the gym. At that time none of my friend’s went and having just graduated there was no way we could afford it even if we wanted to. We were still living like students, drinking alcopops, eating fast food, hanging out as a group. I wasn’t going to sacrifice fun times with my friends to prepare a healthy meal and go to the gym. I wasn’t ready.

In 2002 The Highlander and I moved in together into our own place. I hated my weight and how I looked but I had buried my head in the sand. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore; I just glanced at the reflection of my face to put my makeup on in the morning. I didn’t go shopping for clothes. I didn’t think about fashion or style. I wore a uniform of black trousers and frumpy shirts. I was a 22 year old girl dressing like someone three times my age – and with the energy of someone even older. I began to feel isolated as I removed myself from social situations. All my friends looked amazing and next to them  felt even worse. I really was that fat person. I had let this happen. 

I knew I had to do something. It was all I thought about. But could I? Could I actually do it? The effort it would take would be gargantuan. I knew how to eat healthily but I didn’t know how to live a healthy life. I tried countless times but I wasn’t ready. Finally at the end of 2004 I knew that it was time. I had to make the change and I had to commit. Life was passing me by. I spent weeks planning what I was going to do. This was it. 2005 was going to be my year.

1 comment:

Go on then, spill.