Thursday, 31 May 2012

Six in six

That's my mantra... six in six.

I want to lose six pounds in six weeks. That's totally do-able, right? Well, yeah it is. If I don't slip up, if I keep on keeping and just keep it together. I can't afford to have a few bad days and gain a couple of pounds, which let's face it - isn't something alien to me.

Things like this morning's workout will help. It was hard. It was sweaty.

Things like last night's licking of cheesecake filling and a digestive slathered with full fat Philadelphia shoved down my pie hole will not help. It was creamy, delicious - and packed with fat.

Things like this will help .It's a coconut and vanilla greek style yogurt. It's fricking delicious. It's 73cals.

I'm not a massive yogurt fan. I like em, but the thought of gulping down a big spoonful makes me want to gag. It's something about the texture. BOAKE.I normally have half a Mullerlight on top of fruit for brekkie and that's plenty. What I do love though, is creamy puddings. I'm thinking creme brulee, any sort of creamy sauce, any sort of white chocolate sauce....  okay, actually drooling now. Anyway, I took a moment to peruse the yogurt aisle this morning instead of just firing the usual cranberry and raspberry numbers.

One of my favourite flavours is coconut... macaroon anyone? What about a bounty? Or maybe a pina colada? You catch my drift. I spied these bad boys and quickly clocked the 73 cals per pot info. I was planning to try one out over some mango and raspberries for brekkie but that kinda went out the window. Moments after the first taste, I scarfed the whole thing straight, at lightening speed. It is creamy, it's subtle, it delicious. It really felt like I was indulging in a treat, rather then a yogurt. I've got another three in the fridge... not sure they will last the night.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Weigh in

So me and the scales hooked up this morning.

I was pretty keen to hop and and see the results of my really good week. With aching arse cheeks and thighs, thanks to my on court efforts, I stepped on.

1lb off. That's good. I'm pleased with that. I'm back in the 12's... just. 12 stone 13.5lbs.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm not that okay with it. I felt like I worked much harder than a pound loss. I feel like I've lost more than a pound. BUT - the more I think about it, I know it's deserved. Last week I lost 2.5lbs pretty easily. I didn't feel like I completely deserved it. And so it's all balanced out.

Last year when I was totally on my game I had a good week and usually lost 2.5lbs or so. Sometimes it was upwards of 3. The following week, I was luck if I scraped more than half a pound. Who knows, the same pattern might be forming yet again. I just need to stay track long enough to be able to establish a pattern!

Got a few challenges coming up though...
  • Making a cheesecake tonight
  • Serving said cheesecake to friends tomorrow night
  • Away for at least 2 nights and staying in a B&B
  • Wedding which will involve a power of booze
  • Lack of opportunity to exercise as away to wedding
I shall power through though. Fresh Fat... I'm coming to getcha!

Starting Weight: 185 pounds
Current Weight: 181.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1 pound
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 3.5 pounds

Tuesday, 29 May 2012


What a lovely weekend. Shall I mention it was sunny? Not sure if you clocked that...

Lover boy and I had a weekend at home - just the two of us for once. And it was amazing. To actually have the conversation "what shall we do now" was incredible. Usually it's more a case of "we're leaving as early as possible on Friday so be packed and ready to go - and have a packed lunch for the car."  It was all really relaxed and just lovely (apart from going over my handlebars on my bike and scraping my elbow. Ouch. My legs also have an imprint of a bike on them - but in bruises. Nice.)

On Friday night we went out to see a techo DJ I really like. The two of us got pretty messy, lots of fun. Saturday we had a long lie (heaven) and then spend the rest of the day in the park with magazines, newspapers and food. I'll just take this juncture to mention that apart from the large amount of booze I put away on Friday night, my eating over the weekend was amazing. A chicken salad to eat in the park, rather than a baguette, a calipo rather than a feast ice cream  etc.etc.

Saturday night we ordered thai food and watched Star Wars. TB ain't never seen it! Almost 25 years old and he's never seen it!

Sunday we went out for lunch and... wait for it.... bought tennis rackets! TB enjoys a knock about with a few pals and we discovered courts just 2 minutes from our place. One minute we are standing looking at rackets and the next thing we're playing tennis! Well, when I say playing tennis it was more like us just trying to hit the ball back and forth a few time. I was actually better than I expected and what a good way to enjoy the sun while getting some extra exercise in.

Sunday night we made sushi and watched 'The Empire Strikes Back'. Lovely!

Throughout the weekend I had my head buried in my new app (MyNetDiary). I LOVE it! According to the numbers, I am on target to lose around 4lbs tomorrow. Ha! Okay - if that happens I'll... I'll cartwheel naked across the front garden. I have been really focused and have worked hard on the exercise front too. Yesterday avo TB suggested we play tennis again, that night after work. I'd already been out for a small run/circuits session at lunchtime but what the hey - bring on the additional calorie burn!

With all this in mind, how I feel and based on what I see when I look in the mirror,  I am expecting a loss tomorrow. Let me rephrase that.... I'm hoping for a loss. Hoping.

Friday, 25 May 2012

Listful thinking

I hate being a cliche, well - who doesn't? And in the main I think I avoid being one, and being a blogger one. However, on closer inspection there are certain tell tale signs that I'm pretty sure lots of bloggers will read and think; yup; that's me; I do that; same!

Let's examine the evidence...
  • You love anything that looks retro and vintage
  • Cupcakes and baking are often whipped up and admired where ever spotted
  • Continual photos/instagram snapping
  • Dip dyed hair
  • A sense of irritation/irony about anything emoticon/lol related
  • Massive rage with your and you're
  • List writing
All those things. ALL those things - that is me. Sigh. Have I become so predicable? Some of these have developed over the years, some are fads and phases but there is one that has always been intrinsic and that is really what I want to talk about today. Hello list writing.

I bloody love a list. And I'm guessing most of you reading this do too. What's not to love. Order, tidiness, aesthetic joy and the simple pleasure of ordering everything in your mind while seeing it reflected on the page. Bliss.

Something I've been a big fan of, which is another form of listing is keeping a food diary. My best results, without a doubt, have been when I've been logging every morsel that has passed my lips. I've always done this in some sort of notebook. There's nothing like the feel of ink on the page. Your handwriting, your memory.

A few times I've tried online websites such as Weight Loss Rescources but they just haven't appealed to me. You know, trying to find the right foods from a crappy list, inputting the nutritional info - boring and BORING. I gave up with them years ago... until now. Just a few days ago I stumbled across Mynetdiary. It's a food diary app/website which quite frankly is fricking amazing. You can use it online or as an app on your phone/ipad, whatevs.

First up you log your stats. Weight, height, target weight and date. It then tells you how many cals a day/week your should be consuming to get there (not really paying full attention to this as I really doubt I could eat as much as they suggest and lose weight). You then input what you have for each meal and snacks. Not so ground breaking but this where it gets good. I wanted to input that I had two slices of ham - but what would that be listed under? Instead of searching different permutations of the word I just used my phone to scan the barcode and boom - all the nutritional info came up. The same for an Asda own brand couscous!

 You can then get a break down of how much of your daily intake is from fat, carbs, sugars etc. etc. On top of that you can input exercise to see how many cals you are burning. And there is a menu to log your water intake. Short of being able to do my washing for me this app is AMAZING! And this is the free version.

I'm not a calorie counter but this is a fantastic way of seeing just how many grams of fat/protein etc. you are consuming as you get a full break down. I thought it would be interesting to log my intake for a week just to see roughly how many cals I am actually eating - and the last two days have been a bit of an eye opener.

We had a barbeque the other night and the food I had was what I would usually, if I was trying to be mindful. A lamb chop here, a burger there, some salad and some couscous. I also had a lamb kofta and a wee bit of grilled halloumi (approx a mouthful!). Jesus Christ-  the kofta and the halloumi sent my daily fat intake through the roof!

Last night it was left overs for dinner and the lamb koftas were on the menu again. Before we had dinner I put everything I was planning to eat into the app - and weighed it. Thank god I did. I looked at my daily overall analysis which tells you the good highlights and the bad highlights. The kofta came up straight away as a saturated fat no no. And so I made the decision to just have half of one. Simples.

The thing I REALLY like about it that it tells you what you are on track to lose for the week based on what you have been eating. I know this isn't gospel but it really helps me to see the numbers there in front of me.  If I eat well then I can see the prediction for a good loss. I doubt I will lose as much as predicted but to even think - yes, if I have another day like today then there is a loss in the post, is brilliant.

Don't read too much into the stats in the pic above - this was before I had eaten dinner that night, hence the low number of cals. 

I can't see myself using this app forever, unlike my trusty notepad and pen but it is a really good way to get info and remind yourself just how much you are actually taking in. I'm looking forward to eating a couple of my usual meals and seeing how the numbers stack up. I'd also recommend having a good pair of scales to hand. I've got a salter electronic set which are ideal for weighing out just a few grams of something and it's been easy to sit my plate on top and then just add the food, note the weight and enter it into the app.

I might be really late to the party with this and you're rolling your eyes at how behind the times I am - but don't care....I love it!

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Weigh in

My first full week back on the diet did not go quite as planned. The weekend may have involved macaroni cheese for dinner, and also a few sandwiches and a sausage roll from the buffet. Oh, and a power of booze. I must have been dong something right though... I lost 2.5lbs.

Interesting. Don't get me wrong, I am over the bloody moon about it, but there have been weeks where I've eaten much better and lost much less. Oh well, I'm not going to sweat it. I'll take that 2.5lbs! I now just need to have an excellent week to make sure I see a loss next weigh in.

I'm 13 stone 0.5lbs today and how amazing would it be to be back in those 12s. The sun is shining and so a run is on the cards.  Game ON.

Starting Weight: 185 pounds
Current Weight: 182.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 2.5 pounds
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 2.5 pounds

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Take cover

Two posts in one day... what the hell? I'm in need of advice though.

I'm going to a wedding two weeks on Saturday and I shall be wearing this pink dress (minus the bruised legs). I'm not so keen on bearing my shoulders and upper arms (definitely feel some more wobble going on there - I was over a half a stone lighter in this pic) and so I though a cape would give it a vintage twist while covering me up a little. 

I can't quite decide which one is best out of these. The green one is my last choice as it's too much with the pink and it's also far too pricey... but which of the others do you think goes best?


Buck Up

So yesterday was a bit of  a wallow fest.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I had a good sleep. I went to the gym this morning. I learned how to play e minor on the guitar last night (my first and only chord). The sun is shining. I've gotta relax and just calm the eff down.

I spoke to TB about the health thing and he was, of course, a complete sweetheart. Supportive and reassuring. I didn't quite let him see all of the crazy - that would be of no help to anyone!

Still struggling with the diet but I'm about to have an early tea and then force myself out on the velo for a few sunny miles.  Tomorrow is weigh in and I need to do something to stop me constantly wandering into the kitchen and looking in cupboards.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Everything and nothing

I'm not too sure what to blog about. I feel like there is so much going on inside my head just now that I can't concentrate on any of it. I feel like I'm getting bogged down in things and not really living my life. I feel like I'm going through the motions to a certain extent.

I was out on Friday night and was pretty drunk. Saturday rolled around and I was suitably tired and hungover. I tarted myself up and TB and I headed off to a wedding reception where I proceeded to be the life and soul of the party. Wedding reception over and I am back down to earth with a bump. Performing, flirting, showing off LoveCat replaced with tired, fat, insecure, needy LoveCat.

Then TB and I ended up having a bit of a fall out. Simply, he had stuff to do on Sunday before coming home later that night (we had been staying at his parents'). I was cross and grumpy because I wanted to spend more time together and the thought of going home on my own to sit in the flat, on my own, on the first sunny day for ages was depressing. Yes, I could have been productive and enjoyed the time to do anything I wanted - but the fact that sitting about feeling sorry for myself was what I did, says it all.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. I've been offered a maternity cover contract at the agency where I first began my career (albeit in a different office). I think it could be a good move but when I read the number of clients they want me to look after and they specific work it is, I just went into meltdown. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I won't be able to cope. I'll be terrible and they will realise they've made a mistake asking me to go back. I had a full on crying session and barely moved from the couch for hours. Just sat there feeling sorry for myself.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment. My confidence has taken a dive. I'm not in a positive place.  I'm know I'm being really needy and want TB to give me all his attention. That's not like me. Trying to work out what's going on, I think there are a few things contributing.
  • Solitude. Working from home, on my own, is not good for me. I'm lonely during the day/week. My own client work is quite quiet at the moment and I'm feeling directionless.
  • The thought of going back into full time work scares me. Not only working the long hours but the fact I'll have to be accountable to someone else, other than my clients, for the first time in three years. 
  • I'm struggling to lose weight. I felt fat on Saturday night at the wedding reception. I'm only half a stone heavier than I was when I last wore the same dress but I could really feel the difference. In fact, I can feel the difference in all my clothes and I can see it on my body too.  What am I going to wear when I go back to work in an office? I don't actually own corporate clothes anymore. I could have gone to the gym today, but I didn't. I'm feeling down - so I didn't. Yeah, smart move. And how am I going to fit in exercise when I'm working 40 plus hours a week? The 3 to 4 times a week I am working out just now isn't enough as it is!
  • Health. I'm having a few issues at the moment. Nothing that is stopping me exercising, or ever will, but there is the potential that there might be serious consequences for other areas of my life. I'm being referred so until that happens I'm not sure what's going on. I don't want to talk to my friends about it as I don't know what's going on and it's all very vague just now. I don't want to go into detail here. I don't want to let TB know how much I'm worrying and I don't want to tell my mum as she'll worry more than anyone. 
I usually end my post on a relatively positive note, as I gee myself up and think positive. Right now I'm sitting in Starbucks just trying not to cry. 

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Weigh in

I love a massage. So much so that there has been some delightful number massaging going on.

Let me explain. I weighed myself on Sunday. I weighed myself today. In those three days I have lost 4.5lbs. Yeah, exactly. 4.5lbs?! What the chuff? Well you see, it's not really true. The numbers were there but I suspect the sushi, cider, wine and chip-fest that was Saturday night had something to do with 13stone 7.5lbs flashing up on the scales on Sunday morning and today's 13 stone 3lbs is a much more real weight.

Whatever the case I am relieved to be moving away from the higher numbers. I'm 13stone 3lbs and while I am unhappy about this... very unhappy, I am feeling very positive. I'm not a million miles away from the 12's and if I can get into a steady groove then a loss of a pound a week will see me hitting FF in time for a two week camp I am going to in mid July. I also have a wedding reception on Saturday night and a wedding in two weeks time. While I'm not going to lose any significant weight between now and then (especially not Saturday!) just being in control, not bloated and a few pounds down for the all day wedding will make me feel 100 times better.

Loving the messages of support in my comments and I've teamed up with a gorgeous blogger who is keen to get back on the straight and narrow too, for some inbox loving. 

I've updated my starting weight to today's as it's the highest I've seen since I passed it on the way down. Gym workout done this morning and am cycling to the supermarket after work. Here we go!

Starting Weight: 185 pounds
Current Weight: 185 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0
Total 2012 Weight Loss: 0

Tuesday, 15 May 2012


Things have slipped. The yo yo that I so smugly thought I had kicked into touch seems to have spun back into view.

Since I got back from holiday (and indeed before I went) I just couldn't seem to dredge up any motivation. This year has been a washout in terms of weight loss. I've stopped and started and fannied about time after time. My mum have had the same conversation so many times that I could actually just tape it and replay it. "Right, this is it. I'm going to get my head down. A few good weeks could make such a difference. I know I can do this."

But instead of getting my head down, I found myself slipping into a mental rut which had me thinking thoughts such as: "One more day. I could just have one more day of eating. I might as well." Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

Last week I muddled through. I had a good day here and there. Note that I said good, not great. The fact of the matter is that I need to have great days to lose weight. 85% effort is not good enough. The weekend before had been horrendous. Rolls and sausage for breakfast, chocolate, chinese takeaway - enough booze to sink a ship and so weighing myself on Wednesday (my birthday) was not an option. However, I did get up and go to the gym. Sadly, it was all downhill from there and over the weekend I indulged in everything I wanted to - and more. And then even more. The reason for this is that I decided to weigh myself on Sunday morning. And as so many dieters will know, if you are about to get back on the straight and narrow - you stuff yourself silly. Stupidity. Total and utter mental behaviour. The kind of behaviour I thought I had left far behind. Apparently not.

I woke up on Sunday morning and amid the empty chips and cheese cartons I saw my starting weight for this next wave. It's not good. In fact, it's pretty bloody horrendous. So horrendous that I'm not ready to reveal all.  I can feel where the weight has gone back on. I can see where the weight has gone back on. All my clothes are tight. I feel uncomfortable - and I hate it. So - here is the plan....

I weighed myself on Sunday morning. I'm going to weigh myself again on Wednesday morning (tomorrow). That's only three days but the truth of the matter is that I don't think I have it within me to keep on the straight and narrow for seven whole days. I'm hoping I can have dropped a good few pounds by tomorrow morning to give me the boost that will drive the motivation that has been so seriously lacking.

By the last few weeks' standards the past few days have been excellent in terms of my diet. Yesterday could have been slightly tighter but overall I am pretty pleased with myself. I've been battling a cold and have been feeling pretty wiped out and so while I managed the gym yesterday - that's been about it on the exercise front. I'm going out for a small cycle this afternoon which is better than nowt. So we will see what this shows up on the scales in the morning. Ugh.

Friday, 11 May 2012

All change

Okay - so I didn't get the job. Not because I wasn't good enough - because they changed their minds about the role altogether! I've been told I was the preferred candidate but they just changed their minds about what the really need someone to do in that job - and it changed completely.

When I found out yesterday I was raging. Absolutely furious. What a waste of time. In fact, forget the time - the emotional investment alone was exhausting. I could rant on and on about it but where is the reasoning in that. It's done and there is nothing I can do about it. Rolling out my personal catchphrase... onwards! I also have something else in the pipeline...

It's Friday today and I have a lovely weekend planned as my brother and sister in law are coming to stay  - just what I need some fun ying to balance the heavy yang. And in keeping with that, here are some outfit pics. First up, I want to say how much I dislike this bathroom. It's the worst room in our flat - it does have a huge mirror though.

I bought this very light cotton skirt from H&M the other day. It's actually ideal for wearing to camp as it dries really quickly and I can bang my wellies on with my leggings too. It does highlight the size of my hips quite a lot and actually makes them look bigger if you ask me (true!) but you can't have it all, right?

You can also clock my beloved boy too. I can't even get peace in the bathroom! 

 My hair is getting really long (it's even longer st the back) and when I wear it up I usually just stick it into a top knot but it's getting that there is too much hair for that and it's sore after a few hours. So today I thought I'd go for something a bit different. God, I love a bit of backcombing.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Back to life, back to reality

There's been lots of relationship chat from me recently and now I'm about to give you lots of work chat. But what's missing from this picture. That's right - dieting, exercise and general healthy eating chat. It's all gone a bit wrong lately and truth be told I am struggling.

I'm not in the mood to talk about it or try and gee myself up. I'm just taking it a day at a time and as today is my birthday (hello 32!) I shall not allow myself to feel pissed off about it (until tomorrow!).

So what's been happening in the world of work. Well, as some of you who have been reading for a while will know, the freelance lifestyle is one I love but I'm struggling with the lack of stability and the solitude. If I was raking in screeds of money then I could cope with the solitude - I'm sure most people could. Sadly the reality is that I'm just not making the kind of money I should be. And living in a new city is great but if I want to really feel like I am living here and have my own life, and not just one with TB then working full time within a team is the ideal way to do this, to meet new people and to feel like I'm doing something that's just for me. 

Therefore I've been keeping my eye on the jobs market. Just seeing what's out there and if anything piques my interest. Well, a couple of weeks ago something did. It's very similar to what I do currently but it's an in-house position. It sounded fairly interesting and I won't lie - my eyes nearly popped out their sockets when I saw the salary. Holy crap. Holy. Crap. I fired off my CV to the recruitment consultant who send it to his client that afternoon - at 4.45pm. At 8.30am the next morning the wheels were in motion to take things to an interview stage. I was going on holiday and so the only available time before I went was 1pm that day. Have I already said Holy crap? Well, I'll say it again - Holy crap.

When I heard I had around 4 hours to prep for the interview the first thing that sprang into my mind was 'What the chuff am I going to wear?!'. This job is for a big corporate. I am a creative independent! I don't even own a pair of black trousers! One black shirt dress and a pair of lilac suede heels later I was cramming like a mad woman for the role. Off I trotted to the interview. I thought it went well - apart from when they asked me what my biggest weakness was. What? Who asks these horrendous questions anymore?! I ended up wittering on about how I used to be bad at asking for advice and a more experienced opinion but as I've developed over the years I know that can be very useful. So... I didn't even admit to having a weakness. Ha!

Fast forward a few days and I get a call when on holiday to tell me I've made it through to the second round. I'm down to the final two. Jesus. This shit just got real. I could be trading in my free and easy (and skint) lifestyle for the big bad corporate world. This could actually happen. I might actually have to get out of my bed before 8am!

I get told interview two is a CV run through with HR. I can't quite see how that can be the case and so I cram up as much as possible. Thank god I did. The CV run through turns out to be an hour and a half long grilling from my would be boss's boss - and two members of the department. Insane. It was question after question after question. Relentless. I get my cool and got through it. The last question was a bastard though and by that point my brain had melted. I didn't really answer it very well  but I think I did enough.

So that was a couple of weeks ago and I am expecting to hear any day now if I've got it. Ugh. My stomach flips even just thinking about it. The recruitment consultant has told me I'm considered to be the stronger candidate at the moment. Ummm, that means nothing! Have I got the job or not?!

This is just a quick overview of what's been going on, not really how I've been feeling about it all. I've had so many feelings throughout this whole process -it's been an emotional roller coaster. The kind where you can't stop laughing one minute and then think you are going to spew your ringer then next. I want the job but it scares me shitless. Not just the actual job, the day to day tasks but going back to work for someone else - reporting in.... and then there are the hours I'll be working. I've done it before and I know I can do it again but the desire and the need for this job are two very different things.

Chances are I'll hear tomorrow or the next day and then I'll have a whole new set of emotions to get my head around - no matter what the case. Ugh.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.

We lay on the bed and I tried to explain how I was feeling without sounding like a nag, like a moany girlfriend putting the pressure on.

There was a lot of talk. There were several silences. I tried to escape a couple of times under the pretence of getting a drink but he wouldn't let me go. There was more talking.

I've been thinking about us and about what I want for us - and what that means in terms of timings. I've been doing that a lot. More than I probably should. I am going to be 32 next week. 32. I am not a girl with years ahead of me. If I want to get married and have a family then things need to start moving before it's too late. Time is not on my side. This is what I had to gently put across to TB. It was becoming all to clear he had no idea this is what I've been thinking.

First of all, when I suggested that he sounded like was dismissive of marriage, he said, "I am. I am dismissive of marriage!". When he said that I was taken aback. I thought we had talked about this. I thought we both had the same values and ideals when it came to the big life decisions. Dismissive of marriage? News to me, pal.

As the talking went on I realised that the two conversations we have had about marriage and children were pretty quick conversations and while I have remembered every word of them (and in fact you can read about them here) TB has forgotten them 10 seconds after they happened. To him, we were talking about something way off in the future. Something that didn't have to be thought about for a long time. It's a year since we last talked about things - and to me that's a long time. To him, it was a general conversation, something that didn't really need to be thought about not a marker in time.

When I asked him why he was dismissive of marriage he had to give it some thought before explaining it was because it was just something that he'd not really thought about or that he thought he would have to think about for years. A WHAT? Years? No. Just, no. 32 does not have years.

A resounding yes was my answer when he asked if I was thinking about marriage in the next year or two. He seemed shocked by this. Again, I had to go back to the fact that time is moving on and it's not going to stop. I also told him that while I'm not an overly girly person who bangs on about weddings or babies it didn't mean that I didn't feel the same things that those girls do - or that want those things.

32. That was the theme of the whole discussion. It's not old. Not at all but in terms of getting married and planning a family - it's the wrong side of 30. I am not willing to wait until I am 35 to start trying for a family. If something is wrong or there are complications then my chances of sorting things out are greatly reduced. I could cry just thinking about it. I told him all this. It's not old if you have a plan - if you know how you want to move things forward. TB, it would seem has no plan.

"I suppose I just don't think of you as 32. As being older" said TB. That's great in a way. I'm happy that the seven years between us in not an issue. But with that comment it all falls into place. He's got  his head in the sand. He doesn't actually realise that he needs to take a good look around and act accordingly.

He thought for a few minutes without saying anything and we both just lay there, looking at the ceiling. The next thing he said explains why I love him. This is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. This is why I want children - I want them with him. Us together is the reason.  "Well, if that's the way it's got to be then I suppose I don't have a problem with it." "It's just that I found out about it ten minutes ago" he joked.

Some of you might read that and think his response isn't the right one, that I've backed him into a corner. He's just saying what I want to hear, even though he doesn't. I don't see it like that . He's listened to what I have to say. To what I want. He's realised I can only compromise so much but the facts are just that - facts and they cannot be changed. He's altered what he though, he's changed his view, he's willing to get married and have children earlier than he though he would - because for us it has to happen earlier. Later is not an option. He is thinking about US.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

We have ways of making you talk

I didn't mean to turn that last post into a cliff hanger but this weekend has just been mental (in an amazing way;  been hanging out with all manner of lovely people) and I was away with work until last night. But I am back and with me I bring the continuation of the fall out from TB's flippant anti marriage comments. This is looooong and so I'll post up what I can just now and try and come back to it later this evening.

So, TB had texted me to check if I was still meeting him after work. I knew that he was going to ask me what was wrong and so earlier in the day I had called one of my best mates (Let's call her Mrs Manners because she goes tits if she doesn't get a thank you note, and the like). Mrs Manners is married to a bloke who is 5 years younger than her and she pretty much told him they had to start trying for a baby whether he liked it or not. They now have a gorgeous wee girl - not that I want that just yet but she has had some tough chats with him in the past few years and I knew she would understand how I felt.

I explained the situation and she soon grasped that while I felt like I needed to say something, I didn't want to put the pressure on and make TB freak out. And I didn't want to get into a big assed discussion. They are so draining and such hard work as you agonise over each and every word while you try and make yourself understood without letting all the crazy out. TB has no idea how much crazy there is - and I don't just mean my crazy. I mean lady crazy. I think if men really knew how much we think about things they would have us all locked up if they could. I've done well at coming across as laid back and relaxed about life things but that's is not an accident. That has been on purpose! Anyway, I digress. We came up with this little speech...

"I don't want to have a big discussion about it but you know what's important to me and what I want out of life and, because I'm sensitive about it, your comments last night about marriage got to me."  I was ready to say this, I just had to find the right moment. I met TB and we went shopping where he spent a lot of money on me. It's my birthday next week and he was buying my present early. He was so generous - which made me feel a complete biatch for being cool with him throughout the shopping trip - but it was just crap timing. We stopped off at the supermarket on the way home and it was in  the fish aisle that he decides to make me tell him what's wrong. Way to pick a time and a place TB! He told me he wouldn't stop tickling me until I told him and so as we made our way to the pet food aisle I trundled out my little speech.

"Well you were going on about it quite a bit. I mean, you were discussing what metal was best!" he replied.
"So I'm not allowed to talk about it? Joke about it?"
"In my defence it felt as if we were there in the jewellers." His tone had changed from chatty to a bit annoyed.

Right then - so from that I took it that he most definitely did not have visions of that happening anytime soon. I didn't know what to say. I didn't say anything.  As we stood in the queue to pay he continued to chat away and try and engage with me as normal. I just stood there. My mind was blank. What did this mean? What should I say next? This is not how I thought 'the chat' would go. He tried to get me talk. I just shook my head and breathed out, actually at loss for what to say. All I could say was, "This is.... hard... It's just..." And I tailed off.

We got in the car, heading home. He put his had on my leg. "I don't want you to fall out with me. I'm going away for four days in the morning and I don't want to go away with you not talking to me."
"I've not in a huff with you, I'm in a huff about what you said." I replied.

A few minutes later we pulled up at home and took the shopping in. We had barely set foot in the door when TB pushed me through into the bedroom and made me lie down with him on the bed. "Right - talk. You're not going anywhere until you start talking."