Monday, 21 May 2012

Everything and nothing

I'm not too sure what to blog about. I feel like there is so much going on inside my head just now that I can't concentrate on any of it. I feel like I'm getting bogged down in things and not really living my life. I feel like I'm going through the motions to a certain extent.

I was out on Friday night and was pretty drunk. Saturday rolled around and I was suitably tired and hungover. I tarted myself up and TB and I headed off to a wedding reception where I proceeded to be the life and soul of the party. Wedding reception over and I am back down to earth with a bump. Performing, flirting, showing off LoveCat replaced with tired, fat, insecure, needy LoveCat.

Then TB and I ended up having a bit of a fall out. Simply, he had stuff to do on Sunday before coming home later that night (we had been staying at his parents'). I was cross and grumpy because I wanted to spend more time together and the thought of going home on my own to sit in the flat, on my own, on the first sunny day for ages was depressing. Yes, I could have been productive and enjoyed the time to do anything I wanted - but the fact that sitting about feeling sorry for myself was what I did, says it all.

When I got home there was a letter waiting for me. I've been offered a maternity cover contract at the agency where I first began my career (albeit in a different office). I think it could be a good move but when I read the number of clients they want me to look after and they specific work it is, I just went into meltdown. I can't do it. I don't want to do it. I won't be able to cope. I'll be terrible and they will realise they've made a mistake asking me to go back. I had a full on crying session and barely moved from the couch for hours. Just sat there feeling sorry for myself.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment. My confidence has taken a dive. I'm not in a positive place.  I'm know I'm being really needy and want TB to give me all his attention. That's not like me. Trying to work out what's going on, I think there are a few things contributing.
  • Solitude. Working from home, on my own, is not good for me. I'm lonely during the day/week. My own client work is quite quiet at the moment and I'm feeling directionless.
  • The thought of going back into full time work scares me. Not only working the long hours but the fact I'll have to be accountable to someone else, other than my clients, for the first time in three years. 
  • I'm struggling to lose weight. I felt fat on Saturday night at the wedding reception. I'm only half a stone heavier than I was when I last wore the same dress but I could really feel the difference. In fact, I can feel the difference in all my clothes and I can see it on my body too.  What am I going to wear when I go back to work in an office? I don't actually own corporate clothes anymore. I could have gone to the gym today, but I didn't. I'm feeling down - so I didn't. Yeah, smart move. And how am I going to fit in exercise when I'm working 40 plus hours a week? The 3 to 4 times a week I am working out just now isn't enough as it is!
  • Health. I'm having a few issues at the moment. Nothing that is stopping me exercising, or ever will, but there is the potential that there might be serious consequences for other areas of my life. I'm being referred so until that happens I'm not sure what's going on. I don't want to talk to my friends about it as I don't know what's going on and it's all very vague just now. I don't want to go into detail here. I don't want to let TB know how much I'm worrying and I don't want to tell my mum as she'll worry more than anyone. 
I usually end my post on a relatively positive note, as I gee myself up and think positive. Right now I'm sitting in Starbucks just trying not to cry. 


  1. I am genuinely rubbish in these situations, but I just wanted to say I am thinking of you. I know how horrible it can feel when everything seems negative and I can't really offer advice other than to talk about it. I think things seem so much worse if you keep them to yourself, even if you don't want to worry others.

    Hope you feel happier soon x

  2. Aaah sweetie - sorry for delay in responding. I can see from your later posts that you're already out of the woods so well done for that but I'm sorry you've had a rubbish time. These things creep up just when you're not expecting them don't they?

    Keep doing what you're doing, don't be hard on yourself and talk, write, chill.

    Feeling fat is a pain but half the time it is just that, a feeling. You look wonderful in that pink dress, not fat at all and I said that before I read this post so knew what you were going through!

    Big hug.

    Lesley xx


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