We lay on the bed and I tried to explain how I was feeling without sounding like a nag, like a moany girlfriend putting the pressure on.
There was a lot of talk. There were several silences. I tried to escape a couple of times under the pretence of getting a drink but he wouldn't let me go. There was more talking.
I've been thinking about us and about what I want for us - and what that means in terms of timings. I've been doing that a lot. More than I probably should. I am going to be 32 next week. 32. I am not a girl with years ahead of me. If I want to get married and have a family then things need to start moving before it's too late. Time is not on my side. This is what I had to gently put across to TB. It was becoming all to clear he had no idea this is what I've been thinking.
First of all, when I suggested that he sounded like was dismissive of marriage, he said, "I am. I am dismissive of marriage!". When he said that I was taken aback. I thought we had talked about this. I thought we both had the same values and ideals when it came to the big life decisions. Dismissive of marriage? News to me, pal.
As the talking went on I realised that the two conversations we have had about marriage and children were pretty quick conversations and while I have remembered every word of them (and in fact you can read about them here) TB has forgotten them 10 seconds after they happened. To him, we were talking about something way off in the future. Something that didn't have to be thought about for a long time. It's a year since we last talked about things - and to me that's a long time. To him, it was a general conversation, something that didn't really need to be thought about not a marker in time.
When I asked him why he was dismissive of marriage he had to give it some thought before explaining it was because it was just something that he'd not really thought about or that he thought he would have to think about for years. A WHAT? Years? No. Just, no. 32 does not have years.
A resounding yes was my answer when he asked if I was thinking about marriage in the next year or two. He seemed shocked by this. Again, I had to go back to the fact that time is moving on and it's not going to stop. I also told him that while I'm not an overly girly person who bangs on about weddings or babies it didn't mean that I didn't feel the same things that those girls do - or that want those things.
32. That was the theme of the whole discussion. It's not old. Not at all but in terms of getting married and planning a family - it's the wrong side of 30. I am not willing to wait until I am 35 to start trying for a family. If something is wrong or there are complications then my chances of sorting things out are greatly reduced. I could cry just thinking about it. I told him all this. It's not old if you have a plan - if you know how you want to move things forward. TB, it would seem has no plan.
"I suppose I just don't think of you as 32. As being older" said TB. That's great in a way. I'm happy that the seven years between us in not an issue. But with that comment it all falls into place. He's got his head in the sand. He doesn't actually realise that he needs to take a good look around and act accordingly.
He thought for a few minutes without saying anything and we both just lay there, looking at the ceiling. The next thing he said explains why I love him. This is the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. This is why I want children - I want them with him. Us together is the reason. "Well, if that's the way it's got to be then I suppose I don't have a problem with it." "It's just that I found out about it ten minutes ago" he joked.
Some of you might read that and think his response isn't the right one, that I've backed him into a corner. He's just saying what I want to hear, even though he doesn't. I don't see it like that . He's listened to what I have to say. To what I want. He's realised I can only compromise so much but the facts are just that - facts and they cannot be changed. He's altered what he though, he's changed his view, he's willing to get married and have children earlier than he though he would - because for us it has to happen earlier. Later is not an option. He is thinking about US.