Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Someone Like You

So maybe YouTube was being a bugger... Here it is now. Enjoy.

I love...

  • This song. I love Adele's voice and this song is just haunting. Cannot stop listening. If you're emotional at all chances are you will cry. You have been warned!
  •  Double glazing. I live in an old flat and it is so so cold. I sit next to the window a lot and cold just permeates the glass. Work is going really well and December looks like it's going to be a bumper month and so I've decided to get double glazing. I've got a lovely coloured front door that I'm sad to be losing but it'll be worth it for the warmth of white plastic.
  • Weddings. My best friend from school is getting married on Friday. I've got my outfit sorted (just need a massive silver flower for my hair) and TB will be with me as we wish them all the luck and love in the world. Lots of my friends will be there and my bother and his wife so I'm really looking forward to it.
  • Legs. I am most certainly not a fan of my legs but over the years my running perseverance has paid off and although they are not skinny by any manner of means and I am a stone heavier than my lightest weight ever, they are shapely and a far cry from the podgy sausages they once were. Feels good to be able to wear skirts and dresses that I once would have balked at.
  • My Granny. She is amazing. I was stuck for shoes for my wedding outfit and then remembered these bad boys she gave me a couple of years ago. They are about 30 years old and she used to wear them when she went on cruises. Love it. Love her.

Tuesday, 23 November 2010

Weigh In. Number 6.

Just call me Lucky Love Cat. Half a pound off.

I was dreading this week's weigh in. It's been two weeks since my last (when I lost a stonking 5lbs) and while I've had moments of brilliance I've also drunk a lot and had the odd slip up (I'm looking at you cooked breakfast on Sunday morning).

Mixed in with that I've been to the gym at least twice a week and last week I managed to get a new all time 5k personal best. 32 minutes! How pleased was I.

So I'm pretty happy with a half pound off. Yeah, overall the loss is slow but it is coming off and it seems to be staying off.

This week will be another challenging one - out for dinner on Thursday, a wedding on Friday and a birthday night out on Saturday. Coupled I'll be with TB from Thursday late on till Sunday afternoon and the boy is a bad influence!

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 197 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds

Monday, 22 November 2010

Squeaky clean slate

TB was visiting me for most of the weekend and it was fantastic, apart from a bit of an argument we had.

We went out with a few of his mates on Saturday night. I was meeting them for the first time and after quite a lot of drinks I was totally smashed (which played a bit part when it came to my reaction). I took the hump when he sort of told me not to stand too close to him. I thought he was being an dickhead and so flounced off to the other side of the club. He was actually feeling a bit sick and didn't want me pressing against him - which he explained when he came after me. So I got over that and it was all cool and then later on, towards the end of the night we were dancing - me and him and two of his mates. I went off to the loo and decided to have a quick ciggie afterwards. I went back inside only to find he was annoyed cause he thought that I had just walked off and left him again and his mates were asking where I'd gone and he didn't know.

So a stupid fight about nothing at all. However, things were a bit tense. It was time to go home anyway and we skulked off. On the way home I ended up coming out with it all - and a few tears. Just the usual fear that I've mentioned on here - that he didn't want things as much as I did and that I really wanted it to work. He told me that of course he did - he wouldn't be seeing me just about every weekend if he didn't want to and the fact that he was really hurt by his ex and so he wouldn't get involved with someone if he didn't think it wasn't going to go somewhere. He also told me I need to let go of my last relationship and stop thinking that they way it panned out is what's going to happen with us. (Channelling some Moonraker behaviour there)

So despite having our first argument, I feel fine about it all. We had a really nice day yesterday, watching a film and reading the Sunday papers (and eating a fry up - whoops) and I don't feel the dread or anything like that. In fact, in a way I'm glad we had it. Weirdo.

Thursday, 18 November 2010


I was just about to crack off a post about my most recent weigh in, or lack thereof  (I got stuck in a meeting on Tuesday and didn't make it along) but an email from Moonraker has just dropped into my inbox which has.... well, I don't really know what it's done apart from leave me feeling totally weird.

There is a work event thing on tonight which we're both going to be at and we were also meant to be going for coffee tomorrow. He emailed to rearrange tomorrow. That was fine and a few more emails were exchanged. Then he came out with it. He's seeing someone else.


I feel totally all over the place. I had seen someone writing on his Facebook wall, leaving kisses and I did wonder but now I know for sure. I know I've got no right to feel odd about this; I mean, I've been with TB for around three months but I do feel weird. My ego is bruised, I suppose. I want to feel like I'm still in poll position but I've just been bumped. I want to know what she's like - but I don't. I want to know how thin is she?! I bet she's totally slim and gorgeous.

I just called my best pal and she calmed me down somewhat. She told me to reply and be really nice about it. Tell  him I was happy for him. I did not want to do that. But I did. To do anything else wouldn't be fair to TB and the last thing I want is to hurt him.

During me drafting this post more emails have gone back and forth. Moonraker tells me he had an epiphany and decided to move on from the past. Really?! Now? Why not when you were going out with me?! Why couldn't you do that for me? God - I've just burst into tears writing that. I suppose part of me just wonders why did he not think I was worth forgetting the past for.

These feeling will pass and I'll be fine. It's just been a bit of a shock and brought back how I felt when I was trying to hold us together but was totally powerless.

Friday, 12 November 2010

Easy Tiger

I was going to say something to Toyboy when I saw him, about things being a bit 'sticky' between us this past week. However, before I got the chance to do this face to face, we ended up talking about things on a skype video call. I really didn't want to do it that way. I'm not great at talking about my feelings when I actually have to discuss them with the person involved. Add a video call to that and I feel even more awkward.

It sorta came up though and it wasn't fair to leave him hanging 24hours until I saw him and so I explained that I felt like things had been a bit odd and the reason it made me feel uneasy is that the last time I was in a relationship and there was moment where things changed a bit, the next thing I knew it was all over and I was left feeling really hurt. We smoothed things over a bit and both agreed it that it would just be really good to see each other.

And indeed we did see each other last night, and it was great. I feel much better and TB understands that sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance.

Although we have seen quite a bit of each other, considering we live 2 and a half hours away from each other, things are moving quite slowly. This is a good thing. I mean, let's look at Moonraker. He was declaring his love for me after a few weeks and look how that turned out. Yeah, part of me wants him to be a wee bit more verbal about things but that's just my ego talking. I think TB is great. Brilliant, in fact but we're still getting to know each other and my feelings are no more advanced than his are so I need to not get ahead of myself.

On a slightly different note, aren't men funny creatures? So simple at times. I've been playing about a bit more with clothes this week.  As soon as I start to lose a bit of weight I feel more confident and adventurous (I'm pretty much always in jeans). I'm a classic pear shape (although there is an hourglass lurking under the lard) and my hips, bum and legs are a real problem area for me. To this end, I don't really do skirts and dresses. They are a rare occurrence as I need a size 12/14 on top and an 18 on bottom. However, I do own a few that seem to work.  I was coming to see TB last night and I decided to wear an above the knee dress (in black with a dotty pattern with a scoop neck and a big red belt pulling it in at the middle. Underneath I wore black leggings and studded grey boots.

And my, didn't TB just love it! He commented on it several times. Isn't it incredible what it does when you up the femininity - and get out of jeans.

So I'm already feeling pretty good and then this morning in bed we were having a cuddle. He's got his arms around me and he turns to me and says the words every woman loves to hear.... 'Have you lost weight?'

'Why, yes. Yes I have', I replied.

Tuesday, 9 November 2010

Weigh In. Number 5.

Before we get onto this week, let's revisit weigh in number 5. Last week saw a gain of 2.5lbs. Of course it did! After I stuffed my chubby cheeks with all things calorific and lard inducing in Germany there as was no way anything other than a gain was going to be my reward penance.

I really tried hard this week and something I made an concerted effort to do was to make sure I ate plenty of all the right things. I upped my protein and my fruit and veg.

I also had the weekend to myself; no trotting off to see the boy and so I could eat exactly what I wanted.

Finally - exercise.  I went to the gym once and I also pounded the pavement twice (5km both times). It was hard going, I've not been running outside since last year but I surprised myself with how well I got on.

Have I built this up enough yet?....

Okay, okay - I lost 5lbs. Finally - a loss worth shouting about! Half of that was holiday weight (I weighed in the day after I got back from hols) and so it's not really quite as spectacular as if I was coming at it from a standing start.

Don't get me wrong though - bloody delighted!

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 197.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 7.5 pounds

Monday, 8 November 2010

Off Kilter

When I posted the other day about the power shift, I knew thing were a bit... well, they just weren't quite right with Toyboy.

We video skyped last night and it was much better. More relaxed, chatty and with more laughing. We said goodnight and then he popped up on the chat.

Toyboy: hello?
Me: yes?
T: Sorry if i've been a bit off with you the last day or two, dunno whats wrong with me
M: how come you didn't say this when we were chatting?
T: dunno
M: I did notice you've been a bit... well - maybe not quite your usual self. I know I've been a bit funny too - which probably didn' help things.
T: Well I'm looking forward to seeing you on Thursday
M: Good. Me too. x
T: ok, I'll head away just now. night night doll xxx
M: night night mister. x
T: x

I knew there was a something up. I'm still not sure what but he has been a bit off and on whatever level I've picked up on that which has made me feel insecure. I'm trying to not think about it as me chewing over the reasons why he might be a bit off is not going to help. And to be honest I think I don't there there are any real reasons.

This is one of the problems of a long distance relationship. Whenever we want to have contact we have to speak but sometimes we don't want to talk but just be together. We can't just have a cuddle. This is the exact time when we don't really want talk about anything but we want to be with each other. If you live close by you can just pop over to sort things out by making up physically- and I don't mean sex, but just being together, cuddling and that intimacy that only comes with a relationship. I haven't got that option. He is only a few hours away and I will see him on Thursday - he's not halfway round the world so I need to stop moaning.

Saturday, 6 November 2010

I've got the.... power?

I've seen this happen on numerous occasions to not only me, but to my female friends as well. No matter how I play it there is no escape from... the power shift.

A new love interest comes along and whaddya know, they're all keen and can't get enough of me. I can do no wrong and my confidence goes through the roof. I don't question myself or feel insecure. In fact, I'm invincible. I'm really enjoying the relationship but I'm not (key phrase coming up here) over thinking it. I'm quite relaxed about the whole thing.

The days and weeks pass and I begin to realise that actually I do really quite like this person. I'm falling for them. This means I'm not in control as much as I thought I was. It means there is a chance I could get hurt. I really don't want to get hurt. I can remember too easily how it feels. There's been a bit too much of it for my liking.

I'm now not so relaxed and am... (all together now) over thinking everything. He's not quite as full on as he was in the beginning - we're together now and so he doesn't have to try and win me over. This does not help me relax and before I know it - he's in control. He's the one with the power. Just like that....

Last night and today we seem to have rubbed each other up the wrong way a bit. It's nothing serious - just stupid stuff. For example, we're not seeing each other this weekend. It was my idea. I'm aware that going out with someone who lives 100 miles away eats into your life. I need  and want to see my friends and just want to potter around my flat this weekend (not to mention try and do some work, she says cracking off a blog). But then last night I was missing him and wanted to see him. It's not going to happen and I was a bit grumpy about it. Not really rational I know, when it was my idea. He reminded me that it was me that decided we weren't going to see each other and said he wanted to see me this weekend but it seems that I had just made the decision.

Yeah, I did make the decision but part of me was doing that so that I got in there first. If he said he didn't want to see me I wouldn't have liked that and so I made the decision before he could. I am really worried about getting hurt and so I suppose there is some sort of self protection behaviour going on here.

Then this morning I texted him a silly suggestion. He replied back, totally shooting me down in flames. I was so annoyed, and felt like an idiot. I ignored him. He must have realised he had been a bit harsh and sent a text backtracking. I held my ground and told him to forget it as he was just humouring me. He's tried to cajole me round. I don't want to be the huffy bird and so I've said it's okay and made a joke about it.  This isn't anything at all - it's just a sillynesss but now I am letting it get to me. I bet he's not - because he's got the power!

Friday, 5 November 2010

Don't Forget

It's Friday night. It's teaming down. I am about to go for a run outside for the first time in a very long time.

Young lady, when you cannot be bothered to exercise, when you want to mindlessly eat, when you want to give up once again, remember-  you can do this. You are the woman that...

  • Couldn't run for more than three minutes and then completed a half marathon six months later
  • Started her own business over a year ago and now has work coming out her ears
  • Lost almost 3 stone in one go
  • Bounced back from heartbreak - several times
  • Keeps going
  • Achieves
PS) Don't read down the side of the bullet points thinking I've hidden some cryptic message! Promise, it's just random letters.

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Weigh In. Number 4

Once upon a time in Germany, the diet went bust....

The carnage included (but was not limited to)... pistachio nougat, chocolate muffins, full fat milk, beer, gluvine, caramelised nuts, chocolate, chips, crepes, cake (for breakfast!), pina colada and pain au chocolate.

We got back on Monday night and last night I went along to Ess Dubs (SW - Slimming World, get it?). Of course I was going to gain after all that so I got there super early so I could escape as quickly as possible.

So this week, I gained 2.5lbs. To be honest, it could have been a lot worse. As I mentioned in my previous post I am feeling annoyed that it's week four and I've made jack all progress but this is the long game and it's time to get my head down and have a killer week. Onwards!

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 202.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: +2.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 2.5 pounds