Monday, 28 February 2011

Mad March Mayhem

That's what happens tomorrow.

It all kicks off. 1 month of digging deep and showing some commitment.

There is still plenty of time to really make a difference in how I look and feel before the Spring truly arrives.

Here we go.

Onwards and downwards.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Bad press

Oi Oi me lovelies. Somehow time has whizzed past and it's a week since I updated. Bloomin' eck.

Thanks so much for your comments on the last post. I appreciated them all; some great advice in there.

Poor TB - he got a bit of a hard time when I was whining on about him not saying enough nice things and he doesn't really deserve it. He's amazing and I love him so much. We had a great weekend together and not only does he tell me how much he loves me and spoils me with affection (in all departments!) but he treats me by paying for things and he also did a load of jobs that needed doing around my flat. The coat hooks are on straight, the clock works again and the heavy stuff has been put in the basement. All without asking! We're planning our holiday in August quite the thing and so it looks like we're going to make it to the year milestone - pop bang wheeeee! Sorry, that was the fireworks going off.

My mum asked the other day if, apart from The Highlander, if there had been anyone around for longer than six months. Umm... well only Kerrang, my boyfriend when I was 16 (who lives in the same city as me and ignores me if we ever pass each other in the street! In fact I saw him the other week when I cycled past him. I said "Hello Kerrang". Before he had a chance to think about what he was doing he replied back "Hello Love Cat" but his face was like thunder! He always blanks me.What a dick. This is the boy who I slept with for the first time and then he cheated on me! Sorry - totally off at a tangent there). So it looks like I'm about to buck the trend (touch wood).

This weekend I'm away with a group of friends, one of whom is Dougie Howser MD. Remember him? The guy in a long term relationship whom I messed about with on several occasions? Yes, I know- not cool. There is no denying the fact that I do fancy him on some level but I now feel some sort of zen about the whole thing. I actually feel sorry for him. He is getting married soon and I truly wonder if he will ever get it together. Is he always going to cheat? I don't ever want to do that to TB. No-one deserves that. I know that some people know about MD and I. I hate that. I hate being (one of) the person that he cheated with. I want people to know I'm serious about TB and I'm not just with him for the fun of it.

Thursday, 17 February 2011

Let it all out

This is a pretty big update so grab a cuppa and get comfy - I certainly did in order to write this beast (leopard print slanket, I salute you).

Let's tackle the 'biggest' issue of them all. Oh goodie!

Weigh In.
Disappointing. The whole thing is disappointing and I feel pretty uninterested about it all. Last week I lost a whole 0.75 of a pound. Big Wow. I know it was only six days, not a full week, and one of those was a little dodgy as I had afternoon tea but I worked out on four of the days. 4! And I worked hard. I was really hoping for more but I didn't have time to mope over the numbers as I had to rush off to jump on the train to London. I was away for a long weekend with some girlfriends - again another bloomin hurdle.

I arrived in London town, having eaten just sushi and grapes on the 7 and a half hour train journey (serious delays; thank god for series 3 of mad men was downloaded on my laptop). I eventually got to my friend's place and had a small portion of pasta in a tomato sauce. We went out for a few drinks and then off to bed. Nothing remarkable there but what happened the next day was. We had brekkie at home (grapefruit and toast & banana) and then went off to a wander and then to Borough Market. This place is choc a block with stalls selling all manner of amazing food, cakes, sweets and treats. I had a seafood wrap. The rest of the girls had cake, fudge and baklava. I had a coffee. I know. I  know!

The rest of the weekend followed suit. Biscuits were passed around. I declined. Chocolates were eaten. Not for me. I would have loved to have indulged but for some reason I wasn't actually that bothered. So I chose not too. How odd and most unlike me. We ate out every night and I'm sure that food wasn't so healthy but I chose sensibly and as no-one ever had a pudding, I wasn't put in the position of having to turn one down.

Well done me! On Monday I got home. I felt just as fat as always. What's the point I thought and I picked and ate things I shouldn't have over the next three days. I also sat on my back side and didn't work out once.

I weighed in this morning and I lost half a pound. Hmmm. What is wrong with my brain? I could have kept on track these past three days and probably lost more! What a complete eejit. Overall this year I've lost 3 and a half pound. Jeezo woman, that's pathetic. I should be losing that in a week. I know the overall trend is downwards and yes, that is good, but gaaaaaaaa! I want results! A week of exercising and being on plan and solid loss of a couple of pounds is all I want. Of course, eating a bag of mini eggs and a load of caramel shortbread (as I have just done) isn't going to help, now is it?

Starting Weight: 200.5 pounds
Current Weight: 197 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 3.5 pounds

I'm only going to blether on about one other topic just now as you'll be sending up the zzzz's by the end of this post, if not sooner.

Boys, boys, boys
Well, to be more specific - one boy; TB. We've now been together almost six months. Stop the press! I'm not surprised as it feels really right but part of me is a bit shocked that we've made it this far. And I do think we'll make it even further. We're talking about going on holiday in May and August and even something about December was uttered from his lips the other night!

So while it's all good I've realised that I need a lot more reassurance than I thought I did, as at times I can feel the insecurity monster taking over. It takes me a while to show my softer side but once it's out there is no stopping it. I am forever sending him 'nice' texts, kisses late at night or first thing in the morning just as I know he is waking up. He's not so good at it. When we're face to face he is lovely but I think he's kind of gone into boyfriend cruise control mode when we're apart - which when it's sometimes two weeks at a time, isn't good. Wait, I feel bad saying that. He is great.

We speak on the phone every day and always just before going to sleep. He always remembers things he wants to tell me and tells me all about his job and remembers everything I tell him (well, almost everything). So he's pretty damn good. He's even taking Monday off work so we can spend more time together this weekend. What a boy, but sometimes I feel that I'm sending a lot of niceness and thinking of you-ness and in return, I'm not getting a lot back.

 I pulled him up about is and he replied with a text saying 'I refer you to 2.34am on February 9th.' Yeah, he said something vaguely nice almost 2 weeks ago. I replied with 'exactly'. He responded with something rubbish which I promptly ignored. Half an hour later he called. I knew he would be expecting me to be huffy and so I was anything but. Chatty and chirpy  - just told him I was stating the facts.

I think I need to cut him a break though. He is lovely and considerate. I am need far more reassurance than I ever thought I did, or ever have wanted from anyone else. Interesting...

Missing in Action

I've started a post, a mammoth post, that I just can't quite seem to finish it as other stuff keeps happening!

I've got loads to get off my chest and it's way too much for one post but I need to start somewhere. I will do my darndest to get round to it tonight. In the meantime, couple of pics from my weekend away. They need no explanation.

Monday, 7 February 2011

One year on...

This time last year life was so very different and I was in a completely different place. I was still coming to terms that there was no life left in whatever it was that had been going on for 18 months with Skip and I. ‘Fight Night’, the night when it all came to a head and Skip admitted he was still in love with his ex of ten years ago; an ex that is part of the same group of friends, was still to come.

How everyone’s lives have changed since then. I ricochet into a whirl wind romance with Moonraker and was swept of my feet. While the relationship ended in heartbreak – my heartbreak, the whole thing was perhaps what I needed. Someone to make me realise that I deserved more and that I was worth more than being a just a bit of fun, or a make do option. And look where it led me... to Toy Boy.  I’m the one, that after all the heartache and turmoil, the headaches and the time wasting has found someone who I truly feel that I can be myself with. 

But it looks like I might not be the only one.... 

Whaddya know, Skip and his ex are back together. I had inkling at the time, when confessed/hit me with how he felt, that it might be on the cards, one day. One day – not a few months later.  

In the main I am fine about it. The group dynamic has changed totally. Kenny has moved to London and most of my free time is spent seeing my other mates and of course, TB. In fact, I’m happy for them and I hope it works out. She has a wee girl and they might end up being their own family.  Who knows?

What I am struggling a bit with is the fact that they both know I felt. I confided in her at times and she was only too well aware of how I felt and the quandary I had when it came to saying no to him. He knew how I felt. Of course he did.  While I’m sure they’re not going to spend any time at all discussing what went on between him and I, I do feel a bit exposed. They’ve both seen a side of me that is very private; a side that nobody would readily reveal. They kept their relationship under wraps to start with but now it's out in the open – facebook a go go. I’ve not seen them since this happened and I’m not about to schedule a catch up with them anytime soon. I am okay about it but it’s just something I need to get my head around slowly.

Friday, 4 February 2011

Weigh In

Today was weigh day. It's been 15 days since the last one and since only 5 of them have been 100% bang on target I was ready to accept to whatever the scales said. And they said I had put on 3/4 of pound. Considering what I managed to shove in my face in the 10 days prior to five days of good behavior, that's not too bad!

So while January has been a bit of a wash out the overall trend is downwards. I'm 2lbs lighter. Not really a result to shout about but it is going in the right direction. I'm still really focused and am actually excited about sticking to the plan and getting some real results.

As for my emotional well being (crikey that sounds extreme) I'm feeling a good bit better. I'm sure my hormones are all over place and I just need to remember that.

I'm going to sign off with one of my favourite phrases - and whaddya know, it's food related. Amuse Bouche.  That's all!

Starting Weight: 200.5 pounds
Current Weight: 198.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 2 pounds

Thursday, 3 February 2011

You feel me?

I'm not too sure what's going on with my emotions and hormones and the moment but I am all over the place.

Life is good. I'm in love, my company is doing really well and my work life balance is excellent. Who can proclaim such great things?

So why am I am crying at the drop of a hat? I feel really emotional and I don't know why. I got some really happy news about one of my best friends last night, which I'll post about soon, and while I'm really pleased for her it's just about sent me over the edge of a very emotional cliff.

I'm sure part of the reason is linked to the fact my last time of the month was 2 weeks early. Unexpectedly my boobs are really sore - as if it's imminent again but if that's the case, I'm on a fortnightly cycle! Eh... no thanks. What the hell is going on?

It's been two weeks since I've seen TB and I'm struggling with that too. We speak everyday but in my current frame of mind I feel like my chat is running dry. There is only so much 'today I've been...' that you can take. I just want to see him. I just want a cuddle.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Let them eat....

I love cake.

That's it, really. You can read on if you like but I the gist of this post is that I love cake. So if you're short on time feel free to do one. If, on the other hand, you want to hear more about lots of different cakes - stick the kettle on grab a brew; you've come to the right place.

I'm going to an afternoon tea party on Saturday. A tea party of cake and champagne (well, cava probs). I'm not sure how many of us are taking cakes but I know for sure there are going to be chocolate brownies and scones (made by me) and chocolate meringues and banana & butterscotch loaf. These are only cakes I know about! There will be more than that!

I am not exaggerating when I tell you my mouth is watering when I think about b&b loaf. Two of my all time most favourite flavours in one cakey type homemade product?! What manna from heaven is this? I would sell my granny to try a bit. Sorry Granny -it's true though.

How the hell am I going to manage to go to said tea party and not go mental and fill my face with cake? I can just see it now. All the cakes will be laid out on a table and we'll just help ourselves. There will be free reign to have as much as we like!

Here is my plan.

1. Make my cakes the morning of the party removing opportunity to pick and nibble if they are in my solitary company the night before.
2. Do a mega work out the morning of the tea party - bank some calories
3. Fruit for brekkie, some cake for lunch and fruit for dinner
4. Show some self restraint, woman!