Soapy Bubble

So when I said I was going to have some blogging material following the text from boy number 2, I wasn't wrong.

Anyone joining me over here from my old blog will know names but as I've said, this is a new blog that isn't going to give too much info about who is who so I need to come up with new ones.

Boy number two; let's call him.... Moonraker (please don't ask why) texted when I was cracking off my debut post. He wanted to meet up. We split up, sorry - he broke up with me - about seven weeks ago. I was devastated. We'd only been together just over four months but it had been really intense. He'd declared his love for me after just a few weeks together. What a whirlwind. It was amazing. I was truly swept off my feet. He's 32 (him) and 30 (me) he talked on several occasions about how important having a family is to him. It felt serious  - a really great serious. I honestly thought that this was it. Him and me - together, forever. But of course - too simple! I'd already had my heart trampled over this year, let's just even those numbers up and you can get fucked over a second time. In a matter of around 2 weeks he went from loving me so so much  to... well, I don't know.  He just said he had changed his mind. Riiiight then. I feel like I'm falling apart and can barely function but that's fine. Just you change your mind.

After the first few weeks of heartbreak, I devised the plan to just not think about him at all. I wiped him out of my mind as best as I could. And this was aided by boy number three. Let's call him... Toy Boy. Pretty obvious reason for that- he's ma toyboy, innit! A whole seven years my junior!


Although he's my Toy Boy - he's amazing. I think the world of him. We've been texting and calling intensely for around 5 weeks and a few weeks ago I went to visit him. Jumped on a train and spent two fantastic days with him. He's just... brilliant. The seven year age gap doesn't feel like anything when we're together. He's funny, intelligent, attractive, kind, generous, fun and amazing in bed. The boy is talented. I feel a connection with him that's just.... I love it.

This is an odd situation for me as I was single for two and half years. I met Moonraker this year and have gone straight from that relationship into another one. I've never done that in my life. So there I was enjoying being with Toyboy -even though he's 200 miles away (we're doing a pretty good job of seeing each other lots) and then Moonraker texts me. Over the past few weeks he's sent a few texts. All fairly innocuous. I've always replied around 12 hours later and kept it very light. The text that diiiinged into my phone on Saturday suggested we meet up soon. That's fine with me. I do want to see him and... well, I don't know what.

I happen to be around his neck of the woods the next afternoon and so we arrange a place and time. The next day comes and we rendez vous. It's catch up chit chat for a bit and then, of course, we get to talking about us. Soon enough - he does it. He tells me he wants us to try again.

I can't even begin to verbalise how I feel.  I feel like I want to cry out of sheer frustration. I don't know what to do.

This is like some sort of sliding doors moment. It might sound totally dramatic but the decision I make here could affect the rest of my life.

You might think I'm mad, but yes - I am considering giving Moonraker another chance. He fucked up - royally, but as I said to him when I was fighting for us, there was so much good in our relationship. And no, our relationship wasn't perfect and there are things that would have to change...

And then there is Toyboy.

A few weeks ago we talked about going away for a long weekend  on a city break. After meeting up with Moonraker I got a text from ToyBoy suggesting we book our flights. I just can't think that far ahead. I've sent him a text saying I might have a family thing on that weekend and can we hang fire for now. I hate lying to him but that's six weeks away and imagine we paid for flights and then it didn't happen. Not cool.  He replied suggesting the weekend before! Fuck...

I sent Moonraker a text asking him, did he not think his feelings were partly because he just missed me and being with someone. Now that a fun summer is over he's convinced himself that trying again is what he wants.

He replied saying he'd felt like this for a month and that he knows how great we are together and alike on so many levels. He's let stupid insecurities from previous relationships get in the way and he looked for faults with us.

I KNOW ALL THIS! I sent him a text back saying: so, what- a few weeks apart and then you began to think you'd made a mistake? Told him how frustrating it was to hear this as it was exactly what I'd been saying all along and he should have bleedin well listened to me.

I don't know - my head is a mess. It's hard to try and define feelings because right now it's all lovey dovey with ToyBoy and he's done everything right. With Moonraker

Moonraker knows about ToyBoy. I had to tell him. It hit him hard, I think. His face changed as he took in what I was telling him. He then said to forget what he'd said about trying again. Too late for that, I told him. He said he couldn't blame me for getting involved with someone else one bit. The fact that he has accepted that and not got all jealous about it is something new.

I was getting into bed that night and my phone was beeping away with texts from both of them. You couldn't write this stuff. I told Moonraker I need time and I've no idea how long that will be.  He accepts that. Got no choice, I suppose.

So that's him parked for the moment. What about Toyboy. If I think about him right now I just want to cuddle him and snuggle into him. I feel guilty when I think about him. We had  a really honest chat at the weekend. He asked me if I was on the rebound. He asked me not to cheat on him or hurt him.

I feel like I need to tell him what's going on. I don't know what to do  - about anything. 

Yesterday I could barely think straight and I emailed Moonraker. I need more questions answered. I asked him; what did your friends say when you told them you'd broken up with me - or were going to? Have you told anyone that you want to try and give things another go? What did they say?

If we did try again how do you know you're not going to just do exactly the same thing in a few months time?

He replied saying he was really busy at work and would reply later. Hmmmm - it's been over 24 hours since that email and no reply....