Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Emotion overload

The married one, the one that there was 'something' with, the one that has told me he thinks about me all the time... He's going to be a dad.

The news shouldn't shock me. Married for 18 months and in his mid 30s - it was always going to happen at some point. But - when I saw the pic of the scan on Facebook... I felt like I'd been punched. I lost my breath, I went hot all over. The room blurred around me.

So many thoughts and emotions, none of which I can actually identify.

I couldn't bring myself to 'like' it or leave a congratulatory comment. I'll see him in 4 days. I'll have to say something to his face. I'll have to say 'great news- so pleased for you'. I'll be lying. This time 2 years ago I congratulated  him on his engagement - and then we spent the night together. I'll be congratulating him again, 2 years later - and walking away.

I know he's not right for me. I don't want him. I only want TB. My ego wants the married one to want me though - and this news is in direct contradiction to that. I also want to have babies. Someone that there is a remote possibility this could have been a reality with, is getting what I want. Mind fuck. Total mind fuck.

I feel guilty for feeling weird about it too.

1 comment:

  1. It is tricky. I know it seems weird to feel bad about someone you don't want but I do understand the thought processes.

    You'll be fine hon. Do something fun with lovely TB.

    Lesley xx


Go on then, spill.