How to ruin your holiday

Allo my luvverzzzz.

How are we all? Embracing Autumn with zest and vigour? Pulling out the cosy knits and puddle proof boots? While everyone else thinks about their 2012 winter coat I've been doing the exact opposite and looking out the shorts and flip flops because on Sunday I jet off to Cyprus for 7 days! Booya! 30 degrees baby - here I come.

It's going to be scorchio! I cannot wait. But first, we have a wedding in London to get our nuptial groove onto. Well, that's if we actually get there. You see I'm not sure I can fit my backside into a plane seat. I cannot stop eating!

Oh lordy, it has all gone spectacularly done the pan. Last week I ran 5k (and the hip felt fine!) and I played badminton singles for an hour  but I am eating like it is going out of fashion. This week I have done NO exercise and am packing on the beef like a crazy woman. I'm not going to into details of how flabby I feel and how all my clothes feel tight - but suffice to say I am worried about looking 4 months preggers in my new dress I bought for this wedding. My thighs and boobs - oh god. Oh GOD!

TB seems to be delighted that my boobs feel and look massive but he is blinded by the boob - it also means everything else is bigger. Everything comes at a cost, young man! But here's the deal... I'm going on holiday and I'm going to enjoy myself. I'm not going to worry about a half stone (or probably more, ugh). I'm going to eat, drink and be merry. When I come home, it will be time for action. Serious action.

For now, I wish drastically change topic - to weddings and marriage. I think it's safe to say that I cannot wait to be married to TB. He is the love of my life and everything I could ever want. At the age of 32  I am never going to be a young bride or a young mum and but my desire to be his wife and mother to his children is overpowering. All around me friends are getting married and having babies which only serves to remind me how much I want it.

Almost two months ago we were at a wedding and yours truly caught the bouquet (for the second time!). A funny moment and while TB and I were laughing and joking about it - I wanted him to know what I was thinking. My courage boosted by booze, I put it out there.

"It's not just because we're at a wedding and it's not just because I caught the bouquet - but I want us to be married and I want us to have a family together.
"I really want it."
"I know", he said.
And we hugged for a long time.

That was all we said and that was all I wanted to say. That was two months ago. And while I wouldn't expect him to do to it the following day, I wonder  - is he going to do it soon? Does he realised I want him to do it soon? He must!

We're already making plans for holidays for next year and it seems that there is no thought that a wedding might be slotted in there. I want to get married next year. I want to be have a baby before I am 35. Two and a half years to do all that - 9 months of which you are preggers, is not a long time.

So why am I blogging about this now. Why roll it into one post? Well - we go on holiday on Saturday morning. Holiday, people! What do a lot of people do on hols? Thaaaaaat's right - they get engaged!

Now, I know for sure he's not going to propose on holiday but even while I type that there is a teeny tiny part of me that thinks, maybe - just maybe. I need to rein myself in. I'm letting myself get out of control. Do you know what I did the other day? I have always avoided looking or thinking about anything wedding related as I don't want to jinx it - and I'm just not one of these people who has been 'planning their wedding since they were a little girl' (who are these people) but not only did I look in a jeweller's window but I have actually created a possible guest list spread sheet! What the actual chuff?!

I know! I need to catch myself on - big time. So no more. I need to breathe deep and relax. When it happens it will happen and it will be right for me. It will be especially right for me though if it's before the year is out!

Rollercoaster of Lard

I am more than bored of banging the same lardy drum and so here is a very condensed version of life in the fat lane, over the past week.

• Didn't make the gym on Monday - worked late instead
• Kept picking at the cake I made even though it was in the office kitchen
• Ate 4 chocolate bars on Tuesday night while driving to my folk's
• Got up on Wednesday and weighed myself on my mum's scales. Dear Lord
• Mum challenged me to lose 4lb by holiday time (2 weeks on Saturday) 
• Post weigh in I went out for run and did some squats and lunges too
• Had a full day on plan - apart from some white bread
• Thursday was also a full day on plan - apart from some white bread and pesto
• I played badminton on Thursday night

The upshot is I lost it again at the beginning of the week. I got it together on Wednesday and the biggest thing for me - I've been moving my backside again. I only did a very short run - 3km in 20 mins (9km per hour) but I did it - and my hip feels okay. That's about the distance I could go before it started hurting again so I took it easy and didn't do any more than that.

I'm out for dinner tonight and at a cocktail session tomorrow night -  from 5pm! So the weekend is going to be boozy. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, regardless. No idea what I'll see but I really really hope it's less than last week. Let's not even think about what my mother's scales were saying...

Weigh in

The avoidance of 'last night before the diet' mentality didn't really happen. Honestly, it was more of an indulgence with a touch of gluttony.

We ended up having a bit of impromptu night out and ordering a take-away. I did not want to get a take-away but there were a few of us and that seemed to be the majority rule. It's really hard in those instances to pipe up. That's when healthy = boring. So we got a chinese and I ate and I ate. I also knocked back the booze and then when I came home I ate some leftovers. So pretty much, I went for it.

The next morning weighing was weighing on my mind. And for good reason. 13ston 0.25lbs. Crap. That means I've gained half a stone in about a month. Nice one. Really good job. Idiot! I'm hoping a couple of those pounds will vanish pretty quickly as I was laden with salty food but regardless of the number I just have to get the hell on with it. 3 weeks till holiday and counting.

My weekend eating was pretty good but not good enough to be honest. The food at the black tie do was insane - so good and the portions were massive. I turned down bread with the duck starter. I couldn't finish my massive chicken and veg maincourse. I picked at the summer fruits creme brulee but I did eat the two mini white chocolate cookies that came with it.

The only other downfall at the weekend was licking the hell out of the pot I made the butterscotch sauce for Nigella's butterscotch layer cake. This cake is gorgeous. Really moist and the toffee/cream cheese icing works really well with the sweetness of the cake. Yum! I had a tiny slice to test it and the rest is now in the office being eaten by my colleagues. Phew. I love baking though. It's always such a danger as I want to lick and pick and well... just eat it all. I've decided though, I am definitely going to do more. I love it too much to banish it.

It was so good being at home for the  whole weekend rather than diving off to other parts of the country seeing other people. I do love being busy and being away but sometimes you just wanna potter around at home. And I did more than potter. I got washing done, a big food shop, hoovered the stairwell, looked at cookbooks, baked, meal planned, watched a film, had a long lie, changed beds. And I got to bust out my new duvet cover that I got with my Tesco points for practically nothing thank to the double rewards offer.

Tonight I'm going to the gym after work and I'm hoping I'll be able to get into a spinning class. It's doubtful as it's fully booked so I need a drop out so I can steal their slot. Regardless, I will get my sweat on one way or another. 5 day to kick it till weigh in.

Plan of Fakery

The last couple of days have followed the same pattern as the past week. Have a really great day diet wise and the ruin it in the evening by mindlessly eating rubbish.

Not a whole lotta rubbish, but crisps, a few biscuits and half a jam sandwich. You get the gist. I just cannot seem to find the drive. Where is the drive?! I want to be eating better and I really want to be exercising (curse you, sore hip) but I seem to just kinda forget about it when faced with the kitchen cupboard.

So I'm gonna have to do what I always do when I don't feel motivated - fake it till I make it. And here is my plan of fakery.

Tomorrow morning  - weigh in. Gads. Do not want to do it. It has to happen though. The scales and I need to reconnect. We have to reconnect. I have a very quiet weekend planned. The only thing on the cards is a black tie do on Saturday night. I need to watch the wine, but it doesn't pose too much of a problem. I am also planning to meal plan, do a big food shop and bake. Whooooa there... bake? Yes, bake. I really want to. I never do it as I just want to eat it all and so I'm going to make a cake and take the whole thing into the office. That way I can't pick at it once it's finished.

As for the rest of the week, I have simply got to get my sweat on. I know I feel better and want to eat better when I am in the workout zone, so...

Monday: Spinning after work
Tuesday: Nothing (driving to the parent's after work)
Wednesday: Very light run in the morning followed by some squats etc.
Thursday: Spinning or bike ride (weather dependent)
Friday: Possible light run

Now, I know there word 'running' is written above. And, I know I'm still not supposed to run but, I've been doing my strengthening exercises and I will do lots more before Wednesday when I plan to do a light run. I'm only going to do a couple of slow miles to see how things go.

Feel better already for having written all that out. Now, I must not go nuts tonight since it's weigh in tomorrow. Must banish any thoughts of 'one last night' eating.

Have a lovely weekend darlings. x

Thighs & resolve - communal wobble

 

I'm in a precarious position just now.

 

Life is good. Really good, and there is so much that I have to be happy about. I'm a very lucky girl. Work is good, friends are brilliant, social life is choc-a-block and I've got the most incredible man in my life (spew!). So you get the gist - I'm a happy bunny.

 

In fact - today is mine and TB's two year anniversary. On this date two years ago I jumped on a train for 3 hours to spend a weekend with someone who I had only really met and flirted with in passing. Without a doubt, the best decision I ever made. I've already been vomit inducing cringe-worthy and so I might at well keep going... Sometimes TB will react to a situation in a certain way, it might just be to get up at 5am to rescue the cat from a fight in the garden with the neighbour's brute or the way he chats with people for the first time, and I think to myself, "that's the kind of person I want to be with." Then I realise I am. He's everything I've ever wanted. I know - pass the bucket.

 

I also feel pretty good about myself. I've lost a good chunk of weight and kept most of it off. I don't feel like a massive overeweight blob (most of the time) and so maybe I should just relax and enjoy where I'm at. There it is... I'm slowly creeping back up the pounds. Do I stop worrying about it and try and level things off, or do I keep striving for a weight loss mindset which invariably results in my being pissed off with myself as I can't seem to get there.

 

Even if I don't actively decide to take my foot off the gas, it's happening. The scales are going up. The wobble is wobblier and so is my resolve and I'm not sure how to incite a wind of change. The 13's are calling my name. That bloody stone range that has become the devil on my shoulder, whispering encouragement to eat and drink without thought.

 

That is exactly what's happening - thoughtlessness. I'm not binging or gorging. I'm not craving or secret eating.  I'm eating too much in the evening, not exercising enough and eating and drinking far too much at the weekend. You know, kinda like someone who's not on a diet. But I AM! I am ALWAYS on a diet. I cannot keep on doing this. Otherwise in three and a half weeks I'm going to head off on hols and will be writing a post about how nothing fits and if I'd just got it together when I wrote this then I would be much happier (little bit too much time travel tense changing there - you get the gist).

 

My mum is coming to stay tonight and so tonight will be a full on counselling sesh - for both of us. I'm going to come back here with a plan of action involving weighing myself (frightened to do that right now) and exercise and general winning.

 

 

Here's a lovely pic from the weekend.