I'm in a precarious position just now.
Life is good. Really good, and there is so much that I have to be happy about. I'm a very lucky girl. Work is good, friends are brilliant, social life is choc-a-block and I've got the most incredible man in my life (spew!). So you get the gist - I'm a happy bunny.
In fact - today is mine and TB's two year anniversary. On this date two years ago I jumped on a train for 3 hours to spend a weekend with someone who I had only really met and flirted with in passing. Without a doubt, the best decision I ever made. I've already been vomit inducing cringe-worthy and so I might at well keep going... Sometimes TB will react to a situation in a certain way, it might just be to get up at 5am to rescue the cat from a fight in the garden with the neighbour's brute or the way he chats with people for the first time, and I think to myself, "that's the kind of person I want to be with." Then I realise I am. He's everything I've ever wanted. I know - pass the bucket.
I also feel pretty good about myself. I've lost a good chunk of weight and kept most of it off. I don't feel like a massive overeweight blob (most of the time) and so maybe I should just relax and enjoy where I'm at. There it is... I'm slowly creeping back up the pounds. Do I stop worrying about it and try and level things off, or do I keep striving for a weight loss mindset which invariably results in my being pissed off with myself as I can't seem to get there.
Even if I don't actively decide to take my foot off the gas, it's happening. The scales are going up. The wobble is wobblier and so is my resolve and I'm not sure how to incite a wind of change. The 13's are calling my name. That bloody stone range that has become the devil on my shoulder, whispering encouragement to eat and drink without thought.
That is exactly what's happening - thoughtlessness. I'm not binging or gorging. I'm not craving or secret eating. I'm eating too much in the evening, not exercising enough and eating and drinking far too much at the weekend. You know, kinda like someone who's not on a diet. But I AM! I am ALWAYS on a diet. I cannot keep on doing this. Otherwise in three and a half weeks I'm going to head off on hols and will be writing a post about how nothing fits and if I'd just got it together when I wrote this then I would be much happier (little bit too much time travel tense changing there - you get the gist).
My mum is coming to stay tonight and so tonight will be a full on counselling sesh - for both of us. I'm going to come back here with a plan of action involving weighing myself (frightened to do that right now) and exercise and general winning.
|Here's a lovely pic from the weekend.|