Crunch Time

Great advice from everyone - as per usual. Do you think we should form some sort of collective life coaching circle? Well, I suppose that's what blogging is a lot of the time.

This is just a quickie as I'm running out the door but I wanted to let you know the score.

So, I met Moonraker last night as planned. I was so nervous before he arrived. I felt so sick and edgy. I was meeting him in a bar where I had been working using their wifi for a few hours (I was on my laptop doing my own work - not behind the bar!). The seat I was sitting on was covered in that faux leather, plastic material stuff and I was totally sweating! Okay - too much info but you get the gist, I was far from relaxed.

Anyway- he arrived and we got food. And talked. And talked. And unexpectedly, I came to a decision. I honestly didn't think I would, certainly not last night, but Moonraker said a few things that got me thinking and it kind of just... fell into place.
 
I need to tell you what he said that made me come to this conclusion. And the conclusion... is that I've just booked flights for ToyBoy and my long weekend away. So long Moonraker.  

Traingular Walls Are Closing In

Moonraker has made contact. We're meeting tomorrow after work for an indepth chat.

My head is spinning. The advice you all have given me is bang on the money and, if I were single the truth is I would be aiming for a reconciliation and taking all your points on board. I mean, he really needs to prove himself. Prove that he knows how badly he fucked up.

Something is niggling me though - and this is it.... We just spoke on the phone and he said that if he had known I was seeing someone else then he wouldn't have said anything because it's put me in a difficult situation and he feels bad for that. Hmmmm - bit too laid back if you ask me. I told him (in a very period drama kind of dramatic way) that if you think there is even a chance you can get something you want then you have to have the courage of your convictions and to fight for it.

We only scratched the surface (miaow!) as we're going to get into the nitty gritty tomorrow and like some sort of psycho I am writing a list of questions for him. Wanna see?

• Why do you think you looked for things that were wrong with the relationship
• What reasons did you give your friends for ending it?
• What changed your mind – made you want to try again?
•  It took you ages to split up with your ex even though you knew deep down you wanted to. Why were you able to so easily end it with me – so quickly?
•  What makes you think you’re not going to do the same thing again? What’s changed?
•  I’ve got a lot of male friends that I text, joke on with – are you going to be okay with that?
• If we did give it another go how do you feel about the fact I’ve been seeing someone else? Are you going to have a hard time with that? Are you going to bring it up if you’re annoyed about something?
•  Do you think you really want to try again? You said if you’d known I was seeing someone else then you wouldn’t have said anything. If you’re not willing to pull out the stops to get me back then do you really want it?
•  Sex, do you think we can begin to create a situation that wasn’t there in the first place? One where we feel connected and relaxed and confident?

·    What do you think? Anything else I should add?

And then there is ToyBoy. Lovely, lovely ToyBoy. He called just after I spoke to Moonraker. He's such a brilliant person. He even made a joke tonight, about us moving in together! Yeah, do not fancy living in his city one bit. And he's making all these plans for our long weekend away abroad. I'm paying for the flights and he's paying for the hotel. At first I thought, great - cause if we don't go I'll lose money for the flights and the hotel will maybe be a deposit at most. But no - that would be far too simple! He's booking through some agency place with whom he has to pay up front! Gah! And he's all like "You booked the flights yet?' and counting how many weekends it is till we go. Gaaaaaaaah! I'd normally kill for a guy like this but I'm freaking out about it.

AND I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow which I will probably HATE. Oh and did I mention I'm the size of a HOUSE!?

Soapy Bubble

So when I said I was going to have some blogging material following the text from boy number 2, I wasn't wrong.

Anyone joining me over here from my old blog will know names but as I've said, this is a new blog that isn't going to give too much info about who is who so I need to come up with new ones.

Boy number two; let's call him.... Moonraker (please don't ask why) texted when I was cracking off my debut post. He wanted to meet up. We split up, sorry - he broke up with me - about seven weeks ago. I was devastated. We'd only been together just over four months but it had been really intense. He'd declared his love for me after just a few weeks together. What a whirlwind. It was amazing. I was truly swept off my feet. He's 32 (him) and 30 (me) he talked on several occasions about how important having a family is to him. It felt serious  - a really great serious. I honestly thought that this was it. Him and me - together, forever. But of course - too simple! I'd already had my heart trampled over this year, let's just even those numbers up and you can get fucked over a second time. In a matter of around 2 weeks he went from loving me so so much  to... well, I don't know.  He just said he had changed his mind. Riiiight then. I feel like I'm falling apart and can barely function but that's fine. Just you change your mind.

After the first few weeks of heartbreak, I devised the plan to just not think about him at all. I wiped him out of my mind as best as I could. And this was aided by boy number three. Let's call him... Toy Boy. Pretty obvious reason for that- he's ma toyboy, innit! A whole seven years my junior!


Although he's my Toy Boy - he's amazing. I think the world of him. We've been texting and calling intensely for around 5 weeks and a few weeks ago I went to visit him. Jumped on a train and spent two fantastic days with him. He's just... brilliant. The seven year age gap doesn't feel like anything when we're together. He's funny, intelligent, attractive, kind, generous, fun and amazing in bed. The boy is talented. I feel a connection with him that's just.... I love it.

This is an odd situation for me as I was single for two and half years. I met Moonraker this year and have gone straight from that relationship into another one. I've never done that in my life. So there I was enjoying being with Toyboy -even though he's 200 miles away (we're doing a pretty good job of seeing each other lots) and then Moonraker texts me. Over the past few weeks he's sent a few texts. All fairly innocuous. I've always replied around 12 hours later and kept it very light. The text that diiiinged into my phone on Saturday suggested we meet up soon. That's fine with me. I do want to see him and... well, I don't know what.

I happen to be around his neck of the woods the next afternoon and so we arrange a place and time. The next day comes and we rendez vous. It's catch up chit chat for a bit and then, of course, we get to talking about us. Soon enough - he does it. He tells me he wants us to try again.

I can't even begin to verbalise how I feel.  I feel like I want to cry out of sheer frustration. I don't know what to do.

This is like some sort of sliding doors moment. It might sound totally dramatic but the decision I make here could affect the rest of my life.

You might think I'm mad, but yes - I am considering giving Moonraker another chance. He fucked up - royally, but as I said to him when I was fighting for us, there was so much good in our relationship. And no, our relationship wasn't perfect and there are things that would have to change...

And then there is Toyboy.

A few weeks ago we talked about going away for a long weekend  on a city break. After meeting up with Moonraker I got a text from ToyBoy suggesting we book our flights. I just can't think that far ahead. I've sent him a text saying I might have a family thing on that weekend and can we hang fire for now. I hate lying to him but that's six weeks away and imagine we paid for flights and then it didn't happen. Not cool.  He replied suggesting the weekend before! Fuck...

I sent Moonraker a text asking him, did he not think his feelings were partly because he just missed me and being with someone. Now that a fun summer is over he's convinced himself that trying again is what he wants.

He replied saying he'd felt like this for a month and that he knows how great we are together and alike on so many levels. He's let stupid insecurities from previous relationships get in the way and he looked for faults with us.

I KNOW ALL THIS! I sent him a text back saying: so, what- a few weeks apart and then you began to think you'd made a mistake? Told him how frustrating it was to hear this as it was exactly what I'd been saying all along and he should have bleedin well listened to me.

I don't know - my head is a mess. It's hard to try and define feelings because right now it's all lovey dovey with ToyBoy and he's done everything right. With Moonraker

Moonraker knows about ToyBoy. I had to tell him. It hit him hard, I think. His face changed as he took in what I was telling him. He then said to forget what he'd said about trying again. Too late for that, I told him. He said he couldn't blame me for getting involved with someone else one bit. The fact that he has accepted that and not got all jealous about it is something new.

I was getting into bed that night and my phone was beeping away with texts from both of them. You couldn't write this stuff. I told Moonraker I need time and I've no idea how long that will be.  He accepts that. Got no choice, I suppose.

So that's him parked for the moment. What about Toyboy. If I think about him right now I just want to cuddle him and snuggle into him. I feel guilty when I think about him. We had  a really honest chat at the weekend. He asked me if I was on the rebound. He asked me not to cheat on him or hurt him.

I feel like I need to tell him what's going on. I don't know what to do  - about anything. 

Yesterday I could barely think straight and I emailed Moonraker. I need more questions answered. I asked him; what did your friends say when you told them you'd broken up with me - or were going to? Have you told anyone that you want to try and give things another go? What did they say?

If we did try again how do you know you're not going to just do exactly the same thing in a few months time?

He replied saying he was really busy at work and would reply later. Hmmmm - it's been over 24 hours since that email and no reply....

Third time lucky

The number three is a very relevant one. Well, at this moment in time anyway. This is my third blog. The first two  have been... well, both good and bad. They've brought wonderful people into my life and given me more support during times of need than I could ever imagine but they've also brought huge complications as while they've been anonymous it doesn't take a genius to work out who the hell who is who.

And so it's time for a fresh start and to get back to the halcyon blogging days. The days when I would crack a blog off willy nilly and not care a jot who read it or what they thought. No self censorship here! No names, places or giveaways that say just a little bit too much.

The other reason that the number three is relevant is that this year has featured three significant relationships - two of which ended in heartbreak; my heartbreak. The first was me loving someone who was never going to love me back. I always knew this deep down but I fully realised how deep I had gotten in and the reality of the situation this year. The second was someone who told me after just a few dates that he loved me. Soon enough I loved him back and then just four months later.... he decided he was wrong. He didn't love me anymore. Thanks for that. Nice one. Ooh - you will never guess who has just texted me while I'm writing about him! Ha - number two, hello. Looks like I'll have some blogging fodder on that very soon...

Number three - is in it's infancy. We live 200 miles apart and have just spent the last two days together. That makes four in total. So, I suppose it's more of a newborn rather than an infant.