To love and be loved

We had a chat. A long talk where we both talked about our feelings, timings and the future.

It's easy to forget that TB is seven years younger than me. He's the one that makes me sit down and talk about things. I'm the one that just wants to get up and walk out the room. 

I wasn't ready to settle down at 26 yet that's exactly what I'm asking him to do. The discussions even got a bit philosophical at one point as we talked about why I didn't settle down sooner, meeting the right people and how much control we have over our lives.

I've been in quite a few relationships. I've been lucky enough though, that I can look back and see just how horrendous certain aspects of them were. Not one of them is a patch on TB. I could not wish for a better person to be loved by and to love. And it's because I know this, I really know it, that I want us to be married and have a family together. I would not want it if it was with someone else.

I've been in a relationship with someone who had a clear agenda that they wanted a family. I seemed like a bit of a by product. I would help him achieve that and that made me suitable. Whenever he mentioned having a family, just in passing, I could feel myself tensing up. I've always known I want a family but with him, I didn't feel excited. I felt nervous. It's the love and the security that I have in that love that makes me want it now - with TB.

All day yesterday I felt sick. I felt unsettled and I was upset that things weren't right between us. I had that feeling in my tummy. That feeling that I've not had in a long, long time. I'd forgotten how it feels to be hurt. That dull ache. Tears pricking at my eyes if I thought about things for too long. I've been so content for so long. To feel that gnawing worry, chewing away at my heart was a shock. I used to feel like that a lot. The other day read back over some of my old blogs when I was dating a lot and trying to deal with the on/off situation with Skip. All the time. I didn't like it but it made me realise just how lucky I am. I don't worry about TB and I. Ever. He's never angry with me, annoyed, tries to upset me, make me jealous. He doesn't do moods. He's got no hidden agenda. He's just... him. His lovely self.

Of course, we talked money. Finances always come into it, don't they. We've just bought a house. A very big house that needs a lot of work done to it. This is a family house and I can see our family living here. This house was made to be filled by children. I digress though - money. On Tuesday night we signed on the dotted line for eight new double glazed windows. As I type this there are three guys treating dry rot in my basement (not a euphemism!) and putting in a new staircase. These are not little jobs. They are expensive. They are thousands of pounds and there are so many big ticket expenses still to come.

The house will always be here though. I can wait another 18 months for a new kitchen. I can't wait 18 months to get married and start trying for a family. The fact of the matter is, like it or not, time is not on my side. We have to prioritise.

So we talked some more and ultimately, it was very positive. TB understands. He gets it. He loves me and I love him. More than I can explain, and that underpins everything. 

I want doesn't get

My stomach is doing knots. I get a sinking feeling deep inside and I feel hollow at the same time. The rooms seems to get bigger around me while the voices from the people sitting next to me seem a million miles away.

I take a deep breath and my fingers fly over the keys on my phone. "SO exciting!  I am so happy for you both. That's such lovely news."  The words leaving my fingertips are true. I am happy for my friends. Expecting their second baby next year, it is lovely news. But, I'm sad for me. And I am tired.

I am tired of being happy at everyone else's news.  I've been happy for so many people for so long. I've planned hen weekends, weddings, bought baby gift after baby gift, ooohed and aaaahed and dozens of baby scans. When it's all I want for myself, it's draining.

I'm actually running out of people to be happy for. I'm almost the only person out of all my friend's who isn't married or has a baby. My friends are onto their second and third children. 

And then all this is smothered in a layer of guilt. What a wretched person I am. I have a life that some people would give their eye teeth for. I love my job. I earn a good salary, I've just bought the house of my dreams. I am in a relationship better than I could ever dare to hope for. I am so SO lucky yet here I am whining and complaining. It doesn't matter though - I know what I want and I know the longer I have to wait the harder it will be.

TB could see something was bothering me last night and pressed me until I told him. I started to explain that I was tired of being happy for everyone else but I couldn't get to the end of the sentence before the tears came. I left the room to try and get it together. He followed and tried to get more out of me while I brushed it all off. "We will have our own news but we've just bought a house a few weeks ago", he said.

I don't care about the house! The house will be here forever. I'm 33. I don't have forever. He was heading out and so the conversation didn't go any further. As the front door shut behind him I lay on the bed and cried my heart out.

I was in bed sleeping when he got home. He slid into bed beside me and put his arms around me. "Are you okay?". My natural instinct is to say yes, I'm fine. To smooth everything over.  "Not really", I forced myself to reply.  He wanted to talk but I didn't have the energy. "I'm too sleepy". "When, then?", he wanted to know. "Tomorrow", I said. I fell asleep again with his arms around me, him telling me how much he loves me.

Weigh in

It was enough. What I put in over the last week was enough. It was just wasn't to be with the mother fucking scales.

That's right. I just MEFFED in the intro par. The scales can piss right off. A pound on. I've gained a pound. Well, whatevs because I feel pretty good and I know I did enough. Sure, I got my period about 30 seconds before I weighed myself but that's not something I'm really paying attention to as an influencing factor.

Cause here's what I did in all their glorious mixed up units....

Monday - 5.5km run. 6km cycle. 2 miles of power walking.
Tuesday - 4km power walk
Wednesday - 1 mile cycle, 2 miles power walk
Thursday - 5km run, 6 mile cycle
Friday - Back garden workout (total of 300 skips, 80 boxjumps, 60 burpees, 40 lunges, 10 squats)

So yeah - I am doing the right things and I know I feel better. Certainly more leg tone if nothing else. And who doesn't love leg tone?

Okay, so I can't lie - it did throw me a bit over the weekend. I may have had some chocolate here and there, and some wine, that had I seen a loss, I may have resisted. BUT... I am never defeated! I kicked off the week good style with a 5.2km run (and squats and lunges). Pow pow! I'm weighing on Friday morning. Oh yeah - it's a six day weigh week people. Sound the panic claxon! And then... the power week begins. Hang on to your breeks people (they will be falling down, you see. Too big!).

Can you tell I've had a lot of coffee today?

Weigh in

I'm all kinds of over the shop with updating on my weigh ins. Wednesday is normally my day of judgement but we're creeping up on almost three weeks of Saturday scale action.

It's all been planned so that my weighs ins are timed nicely to give me a final weigh in morning that I go away for  a week. The plan was to give it my all for a month and the week I'm away is going to be a power week. That's right, I just wrote power week. It is now a thing.

I'm going camping of sorts and while I'll be partaking in a tipple most nights, I'll be doing a fair bit of walking - probably around 5k a day. There is also a really nice selection of healthy food on offer so I know that's it possible to eat well too. I've been to this place before and I've lost weight there so I know I can do it again. In fact the time I was there before (2009), I was pretty much exactly the same weight and I lost a couple of pounds without trying too hard. I'm not going to think about that too much as what it means for the last four years of my life and my everlasting weight loss adventures might depress me far too much.  Anyway, the point is I am planning to really go bonkers that week (in a good way) and see just what I can do.

So here's the stats...

Week 1: 13 stone 11.75
Week 2: 13 stone 9.75  (- 2lbs)
Week 3: 13 stone 7.5    (- 2.25lbs)

I was really pleased with my last loss. I had worked hard and knew I deserved to see a result. I'd love to see another 2lbs off on Saturday but I have to confess last weekend was booze filled and there may have been some hangover feeding on Sunday. BUT any loss is a good loss and it's all there to play for! Head down and onwards.

I do like to be beside the seaside

I'm not normally one to take anything out on a run with me.

I like to keep things free and easy. Just an ipod nano and a house key in my zippy pocket. Thing is, I often think "I'd love to take a picture of this view" to share on this here blog.

I finally decided to wedge my phone  in my sweaty back pocket so I could do just that but I've also started using Endomondo track my runs and routes. 

The first kilometre of my run is along an old railway where it's fairly residential on one side and there's a golf course on the other.

This is where I turn up towards the sea, away from the town. This was about 8.30 yesterday morning.

Up quite a steep hill I go... this is the road I've just been on.

And then I am looking at this. Insane. This is Scotland. This is the beach just moments from my front door. Just look at the sand, the sky, the sea....

 

The  sun was shimmering on the water. Beautiful.

I then sort of loop round back onto the railway track and into the residential part again. 5.5km and an incredible start to the week - done. I am one lucky girl. 

Turned on

Super quick update from me as I need to quickly tidy round the house before we have people over for a barbecue later this afternoon. That's right, we barbecue with friends on a Friday afternoon! This is how we roll now people.

Let's put all the house stuff to the side for now. Let's talk diets,exercise and healthy eating. Before we moved house and for the first two days we were here it all turned to shit. It was bad. Things had to change and I was not a happy bunny. So two weeks ago on Saturday, I got the scales out, wiped them down and got on. Oh bugger. 13stone 11.75lbs. Things really had slipped. Slipped right down my throat and attached themselves to my thighs are arse.

I got back on the dieting wagon and had a good week. Not a great week, but a good week. I lost 2lbs at the weigh in. It's a loss. Ideally I would have lost double that (well, ideally I would have lost 4 stone) but I knew I hadn't really put the effort in I should have and 2lbs was better than a slap in the chops.

This week - I have been an angel. I really have made a concerted effort and I've also been out for two (very sweaty) runs; both 5ks. That's been pretty cool as I am learning the streets and places where I live and oh my god - miles of sandy beach is 10mins from my front door. I suddenly came up a dune and was faced with the most breathtaking view of the sun shimmering over the sea. I had to stop and almost had a wee moment to myself. This is my life and I can't believe it. I am going to have to take my phone with me and get some pics next time. I know how much Lesley and Peridot would love them.

So weigh in is tomorrow and I bloody well hope I've lost a couple of pounds. I feel so much better after just two weeks so I NEED to keep this going. I feel like a switch has been flicked. It is ON.

Home sweet home

This is my house. MY house. I can't believe it. Walking around the house I'll be engrossed in a task and them suddenly I had a moment of realisation... this is my house.

I am so happy.