To love and be loved

We had a chat. A long talk where we both talked about our feelings, timings and the future.

It's easy to forget that TB is seven years younger than me. He's the one that makes me sit down and talk about things. I'm the one that just wants to get up and walk out the room. 

I wasn't ready to settle down at 26 yet that's exactly what I'm asking him to do. The discussions even got a bit philosophical at one point as we talked about why I didn't settle down sooner, meeting the right people and how much control we have over our lives.

I've been in quite a few relationships. I've been lucky enough though, that I can look back and see just how horrendous certain aspects of them were. Not one of them is a patch on TB. I could not wish for a better person to be loved by and to love. And it's because I know this, I really know it, that I want us to be married and have a family together. I would not want it if it was with someone else.

I've been in a relationship with someone who had a clear agenda that they wanted a family. I seemed like a bit of a by product. I would help him achieve that and that made me suitable. Whenever he mentioned having a family, just in passing, I could feel myself tensing up. I've always known I want a family but with him, I didn't feel excited. I felt nervous. It's the love and the security that I have in that love that makes me want it now - with TB.

All day yesterday I felt sick. I felt unsettled and I was upset that things weren't right between us. I had that feeling in my tummy. That feeling that I've not had in a long, long time. I'd forgotten how it feels to be hurt. That dull ache. Tears pricking at my eyes if I thought about things for too long. I've been so content for so long. To feel that gnawing worry, chewing away at my heart was a shock. I used to feel like that a lot. The other day read back over some of my old blogs when I was dating a lot and trying to deal with the on/off situation with Skip. All the time. I didn't like it but it made me realise just how lucky I am. I don't worry about TB and I. Ever. He's never angry with me, annoyed, tries to upset me, make me jealous. He doesn't do moods. He's got no hidden agenda. He's just... him. His lovely self.

Of course, we talked money. Finances always come into it, don't they. We've just bought a house. A very big house that needs a lot of work done to it. This is a family house and I can see our family living here. This house was made to be filled by children. I digress though - money. On Tuesday night we signed on the dotted line for eight new double glazed windows. As I type this there are three guys treating dry rot in my basement (not a euphemism!) and putting in a new staircase. These are not little jobs. They are expensive. They are thousands of pounds and there are so many big ticket expenses still to come.

The house will always be here though. I can wait another 18 months for a new kitchen. I can't wait 18 months to get married and start trying for a family. The fact of the matter is, like it or not, time is not on my side. We have to prioritise.

So we talked some more and ultimately, it was very positive. TB understands. He gets it. He loves me and I love him. More than I can explain, and that underpins everything.