My stomach is doing knots. I get a sinking feeling deep inside and I feel hollow at the same time. The rooms seems to get bigger around me while the voices from the people sitting next to me seem a million miles away.
I take a deep breath and my fingers fly over the keys on my phone. "SO exciting! I am so happy for you both. That's such lovely news." The words leaving my fingertips are true. I am happy for my friends. Expecting their second baby next year, it is lovely news. But, I'm sad for me. And I am tired.
I am tired of being happy at everyone else's news. I've been happy for so many people for so long. I've planned hen weekends, weddings, bought baby gift after baby gift, ooohed and aaaahed and dozens of baby scans. When it's all I want for myself, it's draining.
I'm actually running out of people to be happy for. I'm almost the only person out of all my friend's who isn't married or has a baby. My friends are onto their second and third children.
And then all this is smothered in a layer of guilt. What a wretched person I am. I have a life that some people would give their eye teeth for. I love my job. I earn a good salary, I've just bought the house of my dreams. I am in a relationship better than I could ever dare to hope for. I am so SO lucky yet here I am whining and complaining. It doesn't matter though - I know what I want and I know the longer I have to wait the harder it will be.
TB could see something was bothering me last night and pressed me until I told him. I started to explain that I was tired of being happy for everyone else but I couldn't get to the end of the sentence before the tears came. I left the room to try and get it together. He followed and tried to get more out of me while I brushed it all off. "We will have our own news but we've just bought a house a few weeks ago", he said.
I don't care about the house! The house will be here forever. I'm 33. I don't have forever. He was heading out and so the conversation didn't go any further. As the front door shut behind him I lay on the bed and cried my heart out.
I was in bed sleeping when he got home. He slid into bed beside me and put his arms around me. "Are you okay?". My natural instinct is to say yes, I'm fine. To smooth everything over. "Not really", I forced myself to reply. He wanted to talk but I didn't have the energy. "I'm too sleepy". "When, then?", he wanted to know. "Tomorrow", I said. I fell asleep again with his arms around me, him telling me how much he loves me.
I'm on a lifelong mission to ditch the lard. Stones away from my heaviest, I'm closing in on my pre-pregnancy weight. Next up, my wedding weight! Onwards!
Believe me I know how much it hurts. BUT. He does love you - this WILL happen for you; I think "we will have our own news" is a really positive sign. It's good to let him know how you're feeling though.
ReplyDeleteI do so want this for you. We will have a virtual party when it does. And it will. In the meantime, hang in there.
Px
Sending a big virtual hug and glass of wine (strictly medicinal).
ReplyDeleteI understand that it is hard, I really do. You should not feel guilty, or feel the need to apologise for wanting what you want. They are normal, natural instincts. And the biological fact of the matter is that we women DO have to work to some sort of vague timetable - we can't just bumble along like them there men.
As Peridot says it sounds positive - and, importantly, it sounds like the lines of communication are open. I will keep everything crossed that we have your news soon.
Sx
I'm so pleased I read your next post first so I know there's a happy ending!! He sounds lovely and I'm so happy for you that you found him. Fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteLesley xx