My stomach is doing knots. I get a sinking feeling deep inside and I feel hollow at the same time. The rooms seems to get bigger around me while the voices from the people sitting next to me seem a million miles away.
I take a deep breath and my fingers fly over the keys on my phone. "SO exciting! I am so happy for you both. That's such lovely news." The words leaving my fingertips are true. I am happy for my friends. Expecting their second baby next year, it is lovely news. But, I'm sad for me. And I am tired.
I am tired of being happy at everyone else's news. I've been happy for so many people for so long. I've planned hen weekends, weddings, bought baby gift after baby gift, ooohed and aaaahed and dozens of baby scans. When it's all I want for myself, it's draining.
I'm actually running out of people to be happy for. I'm almost the only person out of all my friend's who isn't married or has a baby. My friends are onto their second and third children.
And then all this is smothered in a layer of guilt. What a wretched person I am. I have a life that some people would give their eye teeth for. I love my job. I earn a good salary, I've just bought the house of my dreams. I am in a relationship better than I could ever dare to hope for. I am so SO lucky yet here I am whining and complaining. It doesn't matter though - I know what I want and I know the longer I have to wait the harder it will be.
TB could see something was bothering me last night and pressed me until I told him. I started to explain that I was tired of being happy for everyone else but I couldn't get to the end of the sentence before the tears came. I left the room to try and get it together. He followed and tried to get more out of me while I brushed it all off. "We will have our own news but we've just bought a house a few weeks ago", he said.
I don't care about the house! The house will be here forever. I'm 33. I don't have forever. He was heading out and so the conversation didn't go any further. As the front door shut behind him I lay on the bed and cried my heart out.
I was in bed sleeping when he got home. He slid into bed beside me and put his arms around me. "Are you okay?". My natural instinct is to say yes, I'm fine. To smooth everything over. "Not really", I forced myself to reply. He wanted to talk but I didn't have the energy. "I'm too sleepy". "When, then?", he wanted to know. "Tomorrow", I said. I fell asleep again with his arms around me, him telling me how much he loves me.