Something in the water

What the hell is going on? I'll cut right to it... Moonraker emailed me yesterday. He's going to be a dad. Okay, go back and read that again because I know it sounds like I'm making it up. But it's true, another one of my ex boyfriends is going to be a dad.

What the fuck is going on?! When you cease being my boyfriend do you have some sort of countdown timer that starts going off before you impregnate the nearest woman to you?

Okay, apart from being shocked that he and his girlfriend have moved so quickly, I'm actually couldn't give two hoots. If it's what he wants then knock yourself out.

He emailed me to tell me rather than me hearing on the grapevine. He said that it's what they both wanted so they decided to go for it and were lucky it happened so quickly.  I'm not so sure I agree. They met and became a couple in November. She's three months gone so she must have gotten pregnant in February. Three months together before deciding they wanted to have a baby together. That's fast by anyone's standards. And this is the person who told me he was in love with me only to change his mind three months later.

I honestly think it smacks of him finding someone to have his child rather than finding someone and deciding they want to have a child together. Whatever the case, it's his choice and it's what he wants and so I hope it works out.

Rocky style

Who needs a gym when you've got these bad boys in your back garden? Well, in your parent's back garden.

I stayed over on Friday night at the family nest and on Saturday morning I cracked out a 20 minute run and then got stuck into lunges, squats, shoulder presses, bicep curls, tricep dips, jumping jacks, step ups (onto the bench) and generally jumped around like a loon to my tunes.

Admittedly the trainers weren't just kicking about the garden. Don't be silly! That's what I bought with my birthday money. They cost a farking fortune but they are amaze.












Just over the past few days I'm feeling a difference. I'm sure my legs are thinner. Sure of it! I've had a pretty healthy weekend and so if I keep it up till wed am then I reckon I deserve a good loss.

Oh wait... I've just tempted fate, haven't I?


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Let's get physical, PHYSICAL!

A few weeks ago I strained my left bicep and I've been laying off the upper body resistance until I'm fighting fit. It's not really upset my workouts too much. I've cut out one move from my usual gym workout and I've not been to a bodypump class - that's about it.

However, the weather has been pretty crappy and so I've also hardly been out on my bike - which I've really missed. It's not that I usually count a bike ride as a workout but I use it to cut about the city and that adds on a few miles here and there. I popped out today when I could and discovered a whole new bike path/walkway around a part of the city that I didn't even know existed. Lovely.

So injuries and weather aside, the main types of exercise and working out that I'm getting are cycling, spinning, running and gym workouts (which are a mix of cardio and resistance). Quite a nice mix but I must confess, I am getting a bit bored with the gym workouts. Not good as they form at least 50% of what I'm doing. As so... enter my next challenge - circuit training!

Part of my birthday present from my darling mother is a set of 10 circuit training classes. These classes take place outside in a rugby field and apparently they use 'old school' equipment including dumbells, barbells, free weights, sandbags, tyres, baseball bats and sledgehammers! I am actually quite excited about it and I'm booked in for my first group session on Wednesday evening. However, I've want a few more pounds off before then and I want to be as fit as possible so I'm not dying on the nigh. So, I've got a run tomorrow morning and Saturday, badminton on Monday night and the gym on Tuesday. Onwards!

Weigh in

I'm a bit disappointed that this week I stayed the same. I know I overindulged in the chocolate and Saturday generally wasn't a great day but I did knock my pan in exercise wise 6 days out of 7.

However, this weigh in was on the back of having only put on 3/4 of a lb on holiday at last week's weigh in - so things are probably still levelling out.

So the upshot is I would have loved a loss but I'm okay with no movement. It's not a gain, right? It's a nice clean sheet for next week when I plan to see virgin fat! Okay, it's not really virgin fat as this is the umpteenth time I'm passing through the bottom half of the 13 stone bracket but it will be new fat for this particular episode, kay? Promise - this really will be the last time I am here.

I've twice in my life managed to get into the 12 stone bracket and both times it was for about a week and then I was right back to hanging about at 13 and  half stone - on a very good week. I'd love to be able to take things down to the next level; hanging around the mid 12's and that to be my heaviest. I feel like I'm in the right place to get there this time.

Onwards and downwards!

Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 190.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 13.75 pounds

Dear i phone...

... I love you. I know I've not always shown how much and for that I'm sorry.

I know! Just a week into our relationship you were blown off the table by a huge gust of wind- and was I there to catch you? No. I was too busy chatting to other people.

It's my fault that you don't have wifi capabilities. I've dropped you one too many times and after just a few months we had to make things work with just 3G. But we've rallied together. We've made it work.

I'll never forgive myself for leaving you face down in the snow and not noticing you were missing for over an hour. I ran back to find you and there you were waiting for me. I knew then how strong we were- not even the fiercest of elements could keep us apart.

A few weeks ago we faced our biggest trial. You've never liked water and so me dropping down the toilet... well, I though I'd lost you but after a tense weekend of drying out- you came back to me!

I know my laptop and I are close and at times it can seem that I spend more time with them- but you know the truth... it's always been you. It's true! No, I'm not just saying that because my laptop is playing up and is away getting fixed and therefore I'm having to use you to blog. It's true. You're the one for me.

It's because of you I can update my blog with the list of exercise over the past 7 days...

Wednesday: spinning & 10 min run
Thursday: 1.5 hours badminton
Friday: 5pm into a fierce headwind. Squads and running up stairs
Saturday: nothing
Sunday: gym workout
Monday: gym workout (lots of resistance)
Tuesday: spinning and 10 mins cardio after.

It's because of you I can explain that I'm really nervous about tomorrow morning's weigh in and all I want is to lose 3/4 of a pound to take me to my pre holiday weight but thinking back about all that bloody chocolate had got me worried.

Thanks I-phone. Love you always (until my upgrade). Kisses! x


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There's always a ying...

Damn that bloody chocolate that I got for my birthday. Damn it to hell and back- mmmnnnn... melting chocolate.


I have been eating some of it EVERY SINGLE DAY.  For the love of all things delicious, why can I not just leave it alone. I'm pretty cross with myself but on the positive side, not only have I been eating it I've also been giving it away to anyone that crosses my path. I took truffles to my friends for midweek cuppa and let her eat most of them. I took a slab of mud cake chocolate up to TB, which I kind of scoffed most of (whoops) and I took another big slab to another friend I was visiting. Thankfully it's now all gone. Phew. My eating over the weekend wasn't as good as I would have liked and Saturday in particular wasn't great. On the upside I've been exercising loads and the only day off so far has been Saturday. On Friday I got up at 7.15am and was outside pounding along the seafront before brekkie. I would like to make a big deal of the fact it was so windy I felt like I was running on the spot!

Enough of the chit chat here's what's been going on over the past few days.

The amazing view as I sit on yet another train to see TB.

A ring that has barely left my fingers since I bought it and some paint your love action.

The amazing and evil chocs.

Trying on bridesmaid dresses. Sorry, can't seem to turn the pic!

All in all a really nice weekend with holiday apartment booking, healthy smoothies, window shopping, exercise, gossiping, cuddling, film watching, long lies, papers in bed,  I love you's and hanging with my number one boy (the pussycat - of course!).

Weigh in

Vive la France! I went on holiday for seven days and in total, was off plan for eight days. I've been back on track 90% for three days. I've been to the gym twice. I weighed in this morning to discover.... I only put on 3/4 of a pound! Mon Dieu!

I cannot fricking believe it.This never happens to me. I am agog. AGOG. I can hardly believe it. I enjoyed myself on holiday and that involved eating crusty bread, cheese, pasta, a lot of chocolate, chips, crisps, sweeties, pizza, ice cream and drinking creamy coffees and wine and beer.

Admittedly I did make some choices on holiday that were very different to my usual. We were staying at a self catering place and I bought fruit to make us a nice fruit mix for breakfast. That was pretty healthy - we only had croissants one morning. I also hardly ate any puddings. I was quite full by the end of the meal and the prices were also pretty high so that was also a deterrent. We also did a lot of walking on at least two days - all round Cannes and Monte Carlo. The final thing which I think made all the difference was.... booze. I didn't really drink that much. Our accommodation was in the middle of nowhere and so we had to drive to get there. While TB did most of the driving I wasn't going to get tanked up while he stuck to ice tea (peche).

Whatever has gone on I ain't gonna question it too much. I am happily accepting and am now looking forward to getting rid of that 3/4 of a pound next week and then some!

I got a massive load of amazing goodies from Hotel Chocolat for my birthday which just got delivered yesterday. I've made short work of quite a bit of it and so I need to get it together and not lose this amazing advantage I have. I'm going to the gym tonight and then tomorrow evening TB and I are playing badminton at his work. That will be at least an hour of playing. I'm also going to get up early with him on Friday and do a 5km run back to his. So onwards and downwards!


Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 190.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: + 0.75 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 13.75 pounds

I also  just wanted to touch on my last post. I really appreciated your comments so thank you for those. I felt a lot better after writing it all out and I also opened up about it to my pregnant friend. It felt good to talk it through as it allowed me to rationalise in a calm and collected manner.  It also gave me a chance to reflect on how TB is handling it all. The fact that he is the one that is talking about it and is being open about it all  is amazing. We're talking about some pretty deep stuff and he's not panicking or running a mile. He's being more mature about it than I am!

The truth is I was getting a bit carried away in my own head and it's done me no harm to have a bit of a reality check. I'm very sure of how I feel. I know how I feel about him and about us. I know because I've got more experience. I've met more people, been hurt more and I know what is right for me and what's not. It's not the same for him. We are at different places to a certain extent. I'm not worried about that though. There is going to have to be some sort of compromise along the way and if we're both prepared to make some then I know we've got nothing to worry about.

Busy making other plans

A few things have happened this year that have made me realise that time is ticking on at an alarming rate. I've never been one to worry about age. I went all out to make the most of my 30th last year and I just turned 31 last week in a very happy and relaxed fashion but these events have actually made me realise... shit. I'm in my 30s.

Earlier this year my best friend from school told me she was pregnant. It's brilliant news and I am so happy for her and her husband. Okay - I am happy for them, now. I had a totally selfish reaction when heard. Job wise for them things aren't very secure and I just focused in on the practical elements. Money, flat rental, child care etc. etc. Not that I said any of this out loud. I kept all my negative thoughts to myself and congratulated them. This friend is very very important to me. I know we will always be friends and if I ever get married she will be my bridesmaid and I want to be involved in the birth of their child and her life (it's a girl). So outwardly I was ecstatic for them.

They will make it work. Of course they will. People do it all the time. I know they will and after a few days I realised I am truly happy for them. So what was really bothering me? Why did I react in such a self involved way, which in itself was highly unattractive. I had to think about it long and hard and it wasn't very easy for me to realise what was going on...

The situation is I'm used to being first. I am the one that friends come to for advice and that does things first. I was the first to leave school, the first to get a degree, the first to have a real career, the first to buy a flat, the first to buy a car. You get the gist.I like being the leader of the pack. My friend getting pregnant was like a massive spotlight on the fact that not only am I not the first to do this... but I'm going to be one of the last - if at all. Whether I'm relaxed about it or not time is passing by. Like so many women girls my age the irony is not lost on all those years trying not to get pregnant and then wondering if when we want it to happen, will it?

When I got back home from holiday at the weekend, two more bit of news reached me that compounded my earlier feelings. Of the four of us that hung around together at school, and are still very good friends, one of them got engaged. The other two are already married. That leaves.... me.

The second piece of news is something that I'm still trying to get my head around and it concerns The Highlander. For newer readers I should explain The Highlander is my ex. We were together for eight years. We split up three and a half years ago. It ended for a variety of reasons but they mostly revolved around the fact he made very little money and was unwilling to take the responsibility of life seriously enough for him to play his role in our relationship i.e. get a job and stop being a child. It was a really difficult decision to make but if you've been together that long and he's not willing to even talk about marriage or a family then you're not left with much choice. It was a tough time but I don't for a moment regret the decision. That said, it doesn't make it any easier to hear that he's going to be a dad.

He and his girlfriend are going to have a baby, as planned, in September. Hmmmm. How do I feel about this... I'm not sure. His girlfriend is maybe around 35 and so if I'm worried about problems and leaving it too late then of course she is feeling it. So on that level, I'm happy for her- and for him. I just can't quite believe that someone who wouldn't even talk about it is now actually going to have a baby. And again - long before me.

I heard the news about The Highlander yesterday lunchtime in a phone call. TB was with me at the time and  afterwards I was quiet as I took the news in. He asked me what was going on and I gave him the facts; The Highlander is going to be a dad. Of course, there was more going on in my head at than just that and TB asked me about it. I explained that The Highlander and I had talked about having kids but he just wasn't interested in making any sort of plan or discussing it. We sat quietly for a moment and then TB came out with it.... "This is when our age gap worries me."

Thud. My heart fell into my stomach. No no no no. This is not happening. We are not about to have a conversation where he suddenly announces that he doesn't want kids for a long long time. Immediately I thought back to a conversation we had after we had spent two weeks together. Admittedly I was smashed and it was unfair of me to bring it up so soon and in such a way, but I told him that marriage and family were important to me and that if they weren't to him them we needn't bother carrying on. I asked him to explain more about what he meant and he told me that he thinks I've got a plan which involves me having a baby in the next couple years and he just couldn't see himself wanting that at that time.


I told him that yes, I do want to have children  at some point. But there is no plan. You can't make a plan for this sort of thing. I don't have it in my head that  by 33 I will want to have a baby or by any other age. He's right this is where the age difference is apparent. I explained to him that my worst nightmare would be if waited to try to get pregnant and then couldn't. I started to get a bit teary at this point. I don't think it's the same for men - the thought of never being a parent. Certainly it's not the same for a 23 year old and a 31 year old. He just didn't quite get it. 

I was having trouble actually spitting out what I was thinking and I'm glad to say he pushed me to talk about it. I said that this is exactly what I didn't want to happen- to fall in love with someone only to realise we're not on the same wavelength. If we're not, then what is the point, I asked him. I'm incapable of treading softly softly when it comes to this sort of stuff. If he doesn't want what I want then why bother continue? The fact of the matter is I don't have any time to waste. I do not want to faff about in another relationship for x amount of time only to discover that it's not right for me. I didn't say that last bit out loud. I do have some 'scare him shitless' senors. They were already going into overdrive.

All the while I am feeling sick. Forget the whole family thing. I love him. The though of not being with him makes me go cold all over. During the whole conversation we're cuddling and he's telling me he loves me. He tells me that he thinks we are on the same wavelength. I think we are too but the reality of it is that if things work out and we decide we want to be together long term then I have to be realistic. We are not going to do what my recently pregnant friend did and go from live in lover to husband and baby on the way in under a year.  Not that I'd want that but the upshot is that we're talking years away from now. I'm okay with that but the part of me that wants to be the first cannot stand being left behind.

TB also brought up the fact he'd like to live abroad for a while. Ermm.... hello! I told him I'd like to do that too - ages ago! With his job there is a strong chance this could happen. I'd love to do that. So we ended up chatting about that for a while too.

This was a conversation that had to happen and while it was uncomfortable at times I'm glad we had it. And to be honest is was thanks to him that we did. I know I've been getting carried away in my own head at times about things and I need to just calm it a bit. The feelings are still there about being left behind but that's got nothing to do with the relationship between TB and I. Plenty of my friends are single and aren't panicking about things and I know I just need to relax a bit. And I am, in the main. The news about The Highlander threw me and I think I'll always find that a bit weird no matter if I have a football team of my own or end up as a crazy cat lady.

If you've made it to the end of this... well done! x

Pre holiday weigh in

Bonjour mes amies!

I have returned from France browner (okay, pinker) and probably a fair few pounds heavier - of course!

It was an amazing holiday filled with sun, culture, vin, fromage, language and love.  I got home yesterday and today I am back on the dieting wagon. This is just a quick update to let you know how I got on at my last weigh in before hols.

2lbs off! I was actually jumping for joy. That means I hit my stone target and in fact, just passed it with my total loss coming to 14stone and half a pound with the scales reading 13 stone 7.75lbs.  I was ecstatic.

Who knows how much I've managed to pack on during my week away, and I'll tell you all about the actual holiday later, but I'm not actually going to weigh in till Wednesday - my usual day. Between then and now I plan to be as good as gold, hit the gym and get right back on it to make sure I get back to 13 stone 7 and break right on through it.

Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 189.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 2 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 14.5 pounds

PS) have just realised that somehow I got my figures a bit wrong and I've been counting an extra pound in my wee summary at the bottom of weigh ins. So I was actually 189.75 lbs at last weigh in. 

On the go waffle

Testing! Cheers for the tip shauuuuuuny poooos. x

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Holiday hooha

I've just realised that the chances of me updating with a final weigh in before I go on holiday is slim to none (no pun intended).

We're leaving tomorrow morning at 4.50am. Ouch. I can't see me getting out of bed earlier so I can crack off a quick update. I'm already nervous enough about the ungodly hour of my weigh in affecting things without having something else to worry about.  I'll try and do it from my phone when I'm at the airport but if I don't get the chance I'll tell you all about it when I get back. I know - you can't wait, can you?!

I do feel pretty good though. Just less.... blobby. If you know what I mean. I tried on a few things that I'm taking on holiday with me and I was pleased with the result. I bought some cut off green trousers a few weeks ago. They were pretty snug when I bought them and while they are still close fitting, I can definitely see a difference.

In terms of exercise since last weigh in... not so good. I've hammered it over the past few days but the long weekend away wasn't helpful.

Thursday - nothing
Friday - 1 mile walk with a very heavy rucksack
Saturday, Sunday & Monday - nothing
Tuesday - 1.5 hour gym work out. Cardio and resistance
Wednesday - 45 min run. Non stop. 8.75kmph pace.
Thursday - bodypump, 10 mins cardio
Friday - 45 mins gym workout.Cardio

The plan for holiday is to enjoy myself and I certainly will be indulging in some lovely holiday foods. What I am not going to do is go mad. I've behaved pretty badly in the past on holiday - secret eating and the like. Never again.

I want to enjoy everything I chose to eat without shoving it in my face for the sake of it. I'm going to try and pick healthier choices and really listen to my body. All being said, I fully expect to come home having gained a fair few pounds. No matter though. I get back on Saturday lunchtime. Sunday morning I'm going to be right back on it. A few friends and I have created a private FB group where we all weigh in and report how we're getting on. Everyone weighed for the first time on Wednesday. I'm reporting tomorrow's weigh in and then the next one will be a post holiday weigh in - so probably heavier! So there is no time to lose!

On a separate note, I am VERY excited about going on holiday with TB. We had a long weekend away together not long after we got together which was amazing but this is out first proper holiday and our relationship is so different now. We were still getting to know each other then and working out how we really felt. Now I feel so secure and so in love with him that I can just relax and enjoy it. Not that I didn't enjoy the last one - I loved it! We're just operating on totally different plane now. I honestly think that this is it. He's everything I could ever want and he makes me so happy. No one else compares and I'm so lucky to have found him. I know - pass the bucket!

x

The final furlong

What a week! It's been filled with Island hopping, camping, drinking, laughing, lunch with mum and granny, bus journeys, working, working out, trainer buying, eating and more drinking.

So it's been a good week for fun life stuff. Not such a good week for dieting stuff.

Thursday was pretty good. Friday, in the face of some mahooosive challenges was amazing. A whole load of people (some I know and some I don't) were getting the Ferry over to one of the UKs' lovely islands. What do you always get at a harbour? A chippie! Everyone was digging into fish suppers and chips, left right and centre. Me? I had brought a chicken salad with me and ate that (inbetween polishing my halo). Very pleased with myself.

I wish I could say the rest of the weekend followed suit. There were some victories in amongst the mistakes. I did as promised and avoided the cooked breakfast and stuck to cereal and fruit. The rest of the meals weren't too bad but I drank far too much, ate quite a bit of chocolate and also cheese on one occasion. It was definitely the healthiest I've eaten at one of these events for a long time - but it is going to be good enough to see a loss on Saturday, my final weigh in before holiday?

I got back home on Tuesday morning and all I can think about is exercising as much as possible before Saturday's weigh in so I can hopefully lose 1.5lbs and hit the stone lost mark.

Tuesday might I did 45 mins of cardio interspersed with lunges with weights, squats, chest weights, tricep dips. Last night I donned my new trainers (more on that soon) and went out for a 5k. Almost 7km and 45mins later I got back home. Two amazing things about that run. 1. It's the longest run I've done in probably about 2 years. 2. I did not stop once! I just kept going! I was so pleased with myself.

Tonight it's a 45 minute bodypump class so I'll try and tag some cardio onto the back of that too.

Right- have screeds of work to do before I piss off on my hollybags so best fark off and get on with it.