Some night last night

So there you have it - I've got one in the oven. Wheeeee!

We have been really lucky that things have happened so quickly for us and I'm still in a state of shock. Well, I was in a state of shock as apart from the two lines on the test telling me it was so, I've been feeling great.

What is all this tiredness and morning sickness people have been banging on about, I thought to myself. Until about a week ago. And then I ate my words.

For the past seven days I've felt like I've had a stinking hangover. It comes in waves but there is queasiness that is never far away and oh my god, my head. I've never really been one for sore heads but I have had thumping headache several times every single day. On Thursday I met a friend for lunch, got on the train home and when I got in, mid afternoon, I had to have a sleep for an hour. Ha! I have become so pathetic. And as for exercising.... you have got to be joking. I can barely go up the stairs without being out of breath and wanting to puke.

I saw my PT on Friday and I had to tell him, as I had to stop all time to compose myself and 'breathe' away the queasiness.

Safe to say I am not happy about this. I want to be out running. I want to be nipping up the stairs at home without feeling like a geriatric.

And the eating. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I feel hungry ALL THE TIME and when I feel sicky, eating helps. So guess what, I am chowing down BIG STYLE. There is no reason for me to look preggo yet but my chubby tummy certainly doesn't agree.

Last weigh day I was 12stone 11.75lbs. I am quite confident I'm going to be seeing the 13s come this week's weigh day on Thursday. Yes, that's partly my new, massive jugs but the rest of that is chub, not baby.

Now, yes - there will be people who will be thinking "you are pregnant, now is not the time to worry about your weight." WRONG.

This is most definitely the time to worry about my weight. Healthy me = healthy baby. I'm not saying I'm planning to lose weight but I need to get a grip on things. I am eating WAY too much. Fish supper for tea on Saturday, crumpets and jam for an afternoon snack, butter on my toast with scrambled eggs - and black pudding! I need to get back to healthy eating and some sort of control on my portions. I.e. I just met a friend for lunch at Pizza Express. I got a small pizza and a portion of dough balls. Eh? Dough balls? Since when?!

I've signed up for another 10 sessions with my PT so that will help to keep me moving and hopefully this yucky feeling will go soon and I can get back to making better choices.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Positive

We did it four times.

The first was just before we went to a barbecue. The second was about a week later and we were going to a wedding. The third another week later and was before we went to my nephew’s first birthday party, then straight onto a ceilidh. All very much with the “you never know” mindset. The fourth and final time was two days later after I had dug the third attempt out the bin, held it up to the light and peered intently at the window.

Was there something there, if I really screwed up my eyes, that I hadn’t seen before?

TB came home for lunch a few hours later by which time I was bursting for the toilet.  He barely made it in the front door before I launched myself at him.

“We’re trying another one”, I told him.

“Okay, but just don’t get your hopes up.”

Minutes later we were standing in the kitchen as the line got darker and darker, him grinning, me jumping up and down, dancing around.

“I can’t believe it”, I kept saying over and over again.

“We’re going to have a baby”.

Yes, the words I have longed and imagined typing and have worried about ever getting the chance to do so are about to leave my fingers. I’m pregnant! I am still in major disbelief. If my boobs hadn’t doubled in size and were causing me some amount of grief, I would think it was all a dream.  

It is still very early days. As of today I am only seven weeks. Really I shouldn’t be sharing this at this stage but I feel like by not telling, I am lying! This blog is all about my feelings and body image – two things that I really REALLY want and need to talk about so I can’t not reveal that this LoveCat is having a Lovekitten.

Weigh in

I was just about to launch into a ‘normal’ post when I realised I haven’t filled you in on last week’s weigh in. There is a reason for that though.

Two and a half pounds on. That’s the reason right there. Oh dear. So that means I weighed in at 12stone 13.75lbs. I have no excuse, I ate far too much of the wrong things.  So that was Thursday morning. Since then I have been to London and addressed it by eating more cake than is humanly possible. Oh, and there were churros and other delightful eats such as real butter on my toast which I had with scrambled egg. In addition to that there were some dirty eats – two mini pork pies if you please!

Can I even begin to pretend that any of this was countered by the massive amounts of walking I did or the 5k I ran on Monday. Things are not good people and they seemed to get 100 times worse when last night I put on a pair of my comfy jeans that were in the ‘too big’ pile. They were seriously snug around the thighs  and are now in the ‘fits again’ pile.  Woe WOE WOE. I am not very happy about this at all.

I’ve not been feeling too great over the past few days so I feel like I’ve been eating my way out of that and the swim I planned last night was swapped for a night on the couch and early to bed.  It’ really worrying me though. Where will it all end? When will it all end? I’m giving a lot of thought to this and while I don’t have anything resembling a plan, I do have thoughts I’m gonna share very soon.

First of all I need to get a grip on reality. Since I got home on Sunday night I feel like I have continued to eat WAY too much but it actually isn’t that bad. Yesterday was:

B: Fruit & Fibre

S: 2x Clementine, nakd bar

L: 365 risotto pot and cold meat

S: Banana and peanut butter

D: Healthy leek carbonara made with Philly Light

Yeah, my breakfast and dinner portions were bigger than they should be but overall, really not that bad. Today has been:

B: Special K Red Berries

S: Oreo cookie, 2 x Clementine

L: Carbonara left overs, Raspberries

S: Banana and peanut butter

D: At TB’S folks

If I can just rein in the portions and the peanut butter – they would be two pretty amazing days. I’ve been really sporadic when it comes to exercise as I’ve been away and generally my usual weekly routine has been out of whack. I’m weighing tomorrow and I fully expect to be in the 13 stone bracket. Ugh. I’ve then got a full week to try and bring it back down. I’m only able to fit in three workouts (PT,  run and swim) but three is better than none, right.

Weigh in

Weigh day was Friday and I put half a pound on so I'm back to 12stone 10.25lbs. What’s half a pound and to be honest, I’m not that worried about it. I've been feeling quite bloated so it that could account for it, or it could be the weights sessions.

Since last weigh in, I've seen my PT and been to the gym twice. Both times at the gym I upped my weights so I’m mostly using 20kg for split squats, bench presses and dumbbell step ups. So while I’m feeling a bit frumpy round the body, I am feeling good limb wise – if you know what I mean.

The weekend though, was not good food wise. It's all gone a bit downhill, including my frame of mind. I was at a hen do and while I kept the boozing under control, I went to town on the eating. One of the bridesmaids had made the most delicious caramel shortbread and… well, you can guess the rest. I ate far too much of that, and everything else. And this has kinda continued since I got home.

TB is away on a training course and so I've got carte blanche to eat what I like for tea. I took a healthy left over curry out the freezer for tea last night and ended up ignoring it and making crepes. One savoury with cheese and pesto, two sweet with LOADS of syrup. Oh dear. And THEN I made up some coconut butter icing. Double oh dear. Oh dear.

Today I’ve had:

Fruit and Fibre for brekkie

A French fancy

Homemade soup, ricecakes with lf homous and chicken for lunch

Some maltesers

I’m planning to have the curry for dinner but I have to nip into the supermarket to get more cat litter (broken back leg cat still has three weeks of incarceration in his box to go. We’re all most definitely over it) and that is where impulse purchases could get the better of me. The fact I am already thinking it could get the better of me is not good. 

Times they are a changing

Another super busy weekend but one that was good fun and dieting wise, could have been a lot worse.

Friday night was a healthy night at my folk's and in bed for 11pm. Lovely. Saturday morning Mum and I baked side by side as we prepared for my nephew's first birthday party. I made cheese straws and caramel pie. The pie might look the biz but it was the cheese straws that got the rave reviews.

At the party I ate quite well from the buffet (i.e. healthily) but then I did have a small slice of the pie and a small meringue with cream. Not great at all. However, I ate was nothing else after that until 9pm when I had some stovies at the ceilidh we were at (could I be any more Scottish?).

Sunday was a pretty lazy day as we were both pretty hungover but we did manage to clear a load of boxes from our front room and took them to the tip, and we finally hung a gorgeous piece of artwork we got as a wedding present.

TB loves a subway when he's feeling worse for wear but while he got in about a foot long number I had some soup with some brown bread and cold meat. I also made a delicious, healthy, thai noodle bowl for dinner. In your face takeway. Yeah, sure there was a little bit of chocolate consumption too but I also made banana ice cream  - from nowt but.... bananas!

The upshot of all this is that there is a much more positive frame of mind in action here. This has carried me into the week with a swift kick up the arse. There was a PT session and also the healthiest, most moderate day I can remember in a long LONG time. 

Weigh in

After yesterday's epic post, I'm gonna keep this short and sweet.

• Total After Eight consumption last night was around 8. I ate them and I didn't even really want them. 
• This morning the scales read 12stone 9.75. Interesting! I cannot tell you how pleased I was to see a 9 after the 12 stone. I know it's only a quarter of a pound/three quarters of a pound (who the hell knows) less that last week but there is something about a 9 that, to me, seems WAY less than a 10. I feel like I'm so much closer to getting back to 12 stone. And it's a loss - two weeks in a row.
• I've been to the gym today and generally felt pretty god damn positive. So positive in fact, this happened.

 

• My goal for next week is to lose a pound. I want to see 12 stone 8something. I feel the teeny tiniest glimmer of excitement thinking about that. 
• I think lovely Zanna summed it up perfectly in her comment when she said "keep on trying and eventually the penny will drop, the peg will fit in the hole or whatever and you'll be off screaming like a banshee!".

I decide

I don't need to preface this blog with the information that I'm struggling, do I?

Well, I suppose I just have.

The thing is, I've not exactly lost the plot. It's more that the narrative has become confused.

I'm making healthy meals, I'm exercising regularly. That's good. In fact, that's great. It's more that a lot of people do. But I'm also eating a chocolate bar (or three) every other day. I'm snacking on crackers and cold meat before I eat said healthy meal. I'm eating four mini doughnuts that someone has brought into the office.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning and I have to face the reality that I'm probably going to have edged up the way. I'm in serious danger of getting back into the 13s. Actually typing that out loud has make my stomach turn. I've been 'getting away' with burying my head in the sand but sooner or later it's going to catch up with me.

My mum and I talk about our diets ALL THE TIME. It might sound boring/obsessive/sad to everyone else but we are each other's support system and it must be working in some (pear) shape or form as we are both a lot thinner than we used to be. We're both stones lighter. I am fully supporting her as she loses pound after pound for eight weeks solid. She has backed off trying to cajole me at the moment as she knows I do not want to be nagged and that I'm not in the right headspace just now.

Last night I was back at the folk's for the night and I know, boy do I know, that I need to do something about it - and so we started talking. Mum was coming up with all sort of suggestions - things that will kick that kick up the bum to get going again. Signing up for a race, joining a slimming club (purely for weigh in purposes), asking a friend to do a weekly weigh in - were all put forward. I don't want to do any of those things. They do not even give me a glimmer of... I don't know what, excitement, motivation?

When I get going, and I've got going many times over the years, its come from me. It comes from within. I do it because I have decided. Yes, there are things along the way (personal trainers for example) but those things don't just make it happen. A person trainer worked for me because I put the hard work in. They suggested a routine - I did it and more. I said I was going to run a 10k before the wedding. I did that because I said I was going to. I decide.

I need to find it within me to decide again. I know I've got it in me. Of course I bloody do. I am the freaking master of deciding and more importantly getting it done. You want something done - you ask me. I've got pretty high standards and I expect a lot - and that goes for me too. Stop moaning - get your head down and get the fuck on with it. You don't like something? Then change it - it's up to you. If you've not done it by now that's probably because it's hard. Of course it's hard - that's life.

I feel part of my stumbling block this time around is because in spite of feeling a bit out of control, I feel pretty good about myself. If I was to be this size for the rest of my life, I can think of much worse things. I need to focus on the control thing, as that's what really bothering me. I'm constantly on the back foot at the moment. Reacting. Do not like. I am also constantly hungry and who likes that?!

If you've made it this far - congratulations! I didn't mean for this to be such a lengthy post and now I don't really know where I'm going with it. I've talked about what I want to do, what I'm capable of but how does that intertwine with reality? Facts, I suppose....

Yesterday turned out to be a very good dieting day, under the watchful eye of my mother and today has the potential to be even better. I'm on the train on the way home from various meetings. I'm going to stop off at the supermarket on the way home to grab something for dinner. I'll then have half an hour at home before TB gets in. That is a very dangerous 30 minutes; there's an open box of After 8s hidden at the back of one of the cupboards.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad