I decide

I don't need to preface this blog with the information that I'm struggling, do I?

Well, I suppose I just have.

The thing is, I've not exactly lost the plot. It's more that the narrative has become confused.

I'm making healthy meals, I'm exercising regularly. That's good. In fact, that's great. It's more that a lot of people do. But I'm also eating a chocolate bar (or three) every other day. I'm snacking on crackers and cold meat before I eat said healthy meal. I'm eating four mini doughnuts that someone has brought into the office.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning and I have to face the reality that I'm probably going to have edged up the way. I'm in serious danger of getting back into the 13s. Actually typing that out loud has make my stomach turn. I've been 'getting away' with burying my head in the sand but sooner or later it's going to catch up with me.

My mum and I talk about our diets ALL THE TIME. It might sound boring/obsessive/sad to everyone else but we are each other's support system and it must be working in some (pear) shape or form as we are both a lot thinner than we used to be. We're both stones lighter. I am fully supporting her as she loses pound after pound for eight weeks solid. She has backed off trying to cajole me at the moment as she knows I do not want to be nagged and that I'm not in the right headspace just now.

Last night I was back at the folk's for the night and I know, boy do I know, that I need to do something about it - and so we started talking. Mum was coming up with all sort of suggestions - things that will kick that kick up the bum to get going again. Signing up for a race, joining a slimming club (purely for weigh in purposes), asking a friend to do a weekly weigh in - were all put forward. I don't want to do any of those things. They do not even give me a glimmer of... I don't know what, excitement, motivation?

When I get going, and I've got going many times over the years, its come from me. It comes from within. I do it because I have decided. Yes, there are things along the way (personal trainers for example) but those things don't just make it happen. A person trainer worked for me because I put the hard work in. They suggested a routine - I did it and more. I said I was going to run a 10k before the wedding. I did that because I said I was going to. I decide.

I need to find it within me to decide again. I know I've got it in me. Of course I bloody do. I am the freaking master of deciding and more importantly getting it done. You want something done - you ask me. I've got pretty high standards and I expect a lot - and that goes for me too. Stop moaning - get your head down and get the fuck on with it. You don't like something? Then change it - it's up to you. If you've not done it by now that's probably because it's hard. Of course it's hard - that's life.

I feel part of my stumbling block this time around is because in spite of feeling a bit out of control, I feel pretty good about myself. If I was to be this size for the rest of my life, I can think of much worse things. I need to focus on the control thing, as that's what really bothering me. I'm constantly on the back foot at the moment. Reacting. Do not like. I am also constantly hungry and who likes that?!

If you've made it this far - congratulations! I didn't mean for this to be such a lengthy post and now I don't really know where I'm going with it. I've talked about what I want to do, what I'm capable of but how does that intertwine with reality? Facts, I suppose....

Yesterday turned out to be a very good dieting day, under the watchful eye of my mother and today has the potential to be even better. I'm on the train on the way home from various meetings. I'm going to stop off at the supermarket on the way home to grab something for dinner. I'll then have half an hour at home before TB gets in. That is a very dangerous 30 minutes; there's an open box of After 8s hidden at the back of one of the cupboards.


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