Fess up, woman

When it comes to telling someone you love them, it’s not the easiest of tasks. You might think it’s just a case of uttering the words and for someone like me who isn’t really known for her tact, then what’s the problem?

Well, I’m not too sure what the problem was. I wanted to tell TB how I felt about him because... ummm.... I suppose I felt I had to because without even realising it I nearly said it a few times and it’s not the kind of thing I wanted to sound like a throwaway comment.

The full realisation that I’m in love with him dawned on me at the tail end of the year and I thought there might be a moment over the festive period when it might feel like the right time to tell him. Initially I was going to wait until he said it but then things over the past few weeks just feel like they clicked between us, just something more intimate happened and even if he wasn’t ready to say it, I was and I wanted him to know how I felt. Thing is, it’s not that simple and there was always something holding me back. You know, either we had been out drinking and so I didn’t want him to think it was the drink talking, or we were in bed together – just felt a bit clichéd and I didn’t want him to think it was just a post sex utterance.

I then thought I could maybe get a bit creative. TB often logs into his Spotify account on my laptop and forgets to log off. This means I’ve got access to his playlists etc and once before I created a playlist called something like ‘Love Cat is the best’ and filled it with songs such as ‘I can’t live without you’ and ‘Nothing Compares to You’. As you can imagine I thought I was highly amusing doing this! TB did find it funny too. Anyway, I created a new one the other week called ‘Love Cat is amazing’ and he spied it – hilarity all round. I was going to add just one song to it – Everybody Knows by The Divine Comedy. But then I thought he might not look in there and I could be waiting forever for him to mention it!

My second idea was to write something in the steamy bathroom mirror. I did this on the second weekend we spent together and he loved it. Said it was the kind of thing he always wished someone would do for him (soppy sod). But then what if I wrote him a message and he wasn’t sure what it said (mirrors are not the best canvas) or didn’t notice it? I’d be on tenter hooks with that idea too.

My final, and most lame idea, was to just shout it back at him as he was leaving my flat or I was heading to the train station as he dropped me off. The most unsubtle of them all but then at least I’d know he knew. But part of me wanted to see his reaction too and doing it while parting wasn’t going to help with that.

TB spent the weekend at mine as we had a family meal at my parent’s for my dad’s birthday and then on Sunday he helped me and my parent’s clear out my basement which got flooded over the hols. There was all manner of crap down there including rubble, breeze blocks  and plasterboard etc from when my flat was renovated 30 years ago-  disgusting. Who needs a skip when you’ve got basement, eh? Anyway, he got stuck in and was such a massive help. He got on so well with my whole family at the weekend, I was so proud of him that I knew I had to tell him I loved him. No faff, no secret messages – just tell him.

Later that night we were lying on the couch together. TB had about half an hour before he had to leave and head back home. Time was running out for me to say anything! Gah! I went to the loo and looked myself in the eye. Just do it, woman! I practically ran back to the couch, jumped next to him and lay down with my face in his tummy. Before I could back out I sort of shout out ‘TB, I love you’.  Ugh – I’d done it. A second passed. It felt like an hour as I waited for his reaction.  ‘You do?’ he said. Then, ‘I love you!’

Horay! He loves me and I love him! Yes, you can be sick now. Okay – I’ll keep it relatively mushy free so you can eat your tea without gagging... but I am a very happy girl. With our confessions/revelations out the way we both talked about how long we’d been feeling like this and how we were going to go about telling each other and so on. TB had to leave to start his 2 and a half hour drive home. Neither of us wanted to be apart so he suggested I went with him and get the train home a few nights later. 20 mins later, my bag was packed and we were in the car heading to his.   Le sigh.....