It's been a week since my last post. A week is a long time in the life of a dieter and I think we all know that radio silence from me usually means that I am too busy stuffing my face for me to give blogging a second thought.
I don't know what’s wrong with me. Why do I do this to myself time and time again? I weighed myself on Thursday and I'd lost a pound a half. I was pleased with the loss but the truth is I wanted more. I felt like I'd worked hard enough for more. I wasn't satisfied. I kept on the straight and narrow until Thursday night (big wow, a whole 8 hours) when I arrived at TB's house. After that it all just turned to shit and it's been that way since. Truly horrendous. Even as I type this I'm all glassy eyed as I've got so much sugar pumping through my veins. If you cut me open you wouldn't find blood, there would be condensed milk.
If you have ever watched shows like The Biggest Loser, they are always trying to find out why people have gotten so fat; what is the underlying reason? I always say it's simply because I like food. I love eating and happen to be very good at it. In fact, I can remember writing a post about that very subject away back in 2005. Dear god, 2005! Is it really my 6th year of doing this? Anyway, my point is that I never thought I had an underlying reason or other issues but the all of a sudden the reality of my fears and insecurities became apparent. Who knows why but it just seemed to come to me the other night, out of thin air.
I do love food and I have formed an unhealthy relationship with it, which is now habitual. What I also now realise is that yes, there is a bit more to it. If you know me this sounds completely absurd as I am a confident person and have a really positive attitude but.... what if I was thin and someone decided they didn’t like me. It wouldn’t be because I’m fat. It would be because of me- the person that I am. Fat is easy to hide behind – in more ways than one. It’s my blubbery safety blanket but, in what warped world it is better to be fat just so I can blame things on my size rather than who I am? What a weirdo!
This is all very self indulgent and while it may or may not be true, it doesn’t detract from the fact. I am struggling. Whatever the reasons are, I feel like I’m losing the plot. Every day I wake up with the best intentions. I want to stick to the plan, any plan, but after only a few hours the ‘just one more day’ thoughts creep into my head. And that’s all it takes. Just one thought like that and the day is a write off.
There is no doubt that being with TB makes dieting harder. Not impossible, but harder. However, I’m not seeing him again until a week on Saturday. I’ve had the best part of two weeks to eat all the right things, go to the gym and look after myself. I’m throwing that opportunity away. What am I playing at? Why am I behaving like this? I am at the upper end of my weight range and if I’m not careful it’s going to rocket up even higher. I do not want to go back there.
All it would take for me to feel a million times better is half a stone. 7 pounds. I’d still have plenty of work to do but that half stone makes all the difference in terms of clothes fitting and me feeling good about myself. So if it’s only half a stone, what am I waiting for? The freaking second coming? At this rate it feels more likely that Jesus Christ himself will turn up at my door with a vat of water he’s about to turn into wine for us both to get shitfaced on than I'll lose some serious weight.
You might notice there are a lot of questions being posed in this post. I am asking myself these questions. I know lots of different tips and tricks work for lots of different people but please don’t leave a comment telling me what does and doesn’t work or what I can try. I know it ALL. That’s what makes this even more frustrating and reading comments about it will just result in me lobbing my laptop out the window.
To tell you the truth, I feel better just getting this out of my head. Tomorrow is a new day and do want to make it the day when I turn things around. Yeah, it’s not the best day to be refocusing as I’m out for lunch and going to a bar launch in the evening – but well, that’s life innit. I’ve got a really quiet week ahead and I could really make big inroads into that 7lbs. The weekend is mine. I could exercise and cook – and plan. Key word there... plan.
Okay, a plan is what I need. I plan is what I shall have.