Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Gone pearshaped

It's been a week since my last post. A week is a long time in the life of a dieter and I think we all know that radio silence from me usually means that I am too busy stuffing my face for me to give blogging a second thought.

I don't know what’s wrong with me. Why do I do this to myself time and time again? I weighed myself on Thursday and I'd lost a pound a half. I was pleased with the loss but the truth is I wanted more. I felt like I'd worked hard enough for more. I wasn't satisfied. I kept on the straight and narrow until Thursday night (big wow, a whole 8 hours) when I arrived at TB's house. After that it all just turned to shit and it's been that way since. Truly horrendous. Even as I type this I'm all glassy eyed as I've got so much sugar pumping through my veins. If you cut me open you wouldn't find blood, there would be condensed milk.

If you have ever watched shows like The Biggest Loser, they are always trying to find out why people have gotten so fat; what is the underlying reason? I always say it's simply because I like food. I love eating and happen to be very good at it. In fact, I can remember writing a post about that very subject away back in 2005. Dear god, 2005! Is it really my 6th year of doing this? Anyway, my point is that I never thought I had an underlying reason or other issues but the all of a sudden the reality of my fears and insecurities became apparent. Who knows why but it just seemed to come to me the other night, out of thin air.

I do love food and I have formed an unhealthy relationship with it, which is now habitual.  What I also now realise is that yes, there is a bit more to it. If you know me this sounds completely absurd as I am a confident person and have a really positive attitude but.... what if I was thin and someone decided they didn’t like me. It wouldn’t be because I’m fat. It would be because of me- the person that I am. Fat is easy to hide behind – in more ways than one. It’s my blubbery safety blanket but, in what warped world it is better to be fat just so I can blame things on my size rather than who I am? What a weirdo! 

This is all very self indulgent and while it may or may not be true, it doesn’t detract from the fact. I am struggling. Whatever the reasons are, I feel like I’m losing the plot. Every day I wake up with the best intentions. I want to stick to the plan, any plan, but after only a few hours the ‘just one more day’ thoughts creep into my head. And that’s all it takes. Just one thought like that and the day is a write off. 

There is no doubt that being with TB makes dieting harder. Not impossible, but harder. However, I’m not seeing him again until a week on Saturday. I’ve had the best part of two weeks to eat all the right things, go to the gym and look after myself. I’m throwing that opportunity away. What am I playing at? Why am I behaving like this? I am at the upper end of my weight range and if I’m not careful it’s going to rocket up even higher. I do not want to go back there.

All it would take for me to feel a million times better is half a stone. 7 pounds. I’d still have plenty of work to do but that half stone makes all the difference in terms of clothes fitting and me feeling good about myself.  So if it’s only half a stone, what am I waiting for? The freaking second coming? At this rate it feels more likely that Jesus Christ himself will turn up at my door with a vat of water he’s about to turn into wine for us both to get shitfaced on than I'll lose some serious weight.

You might notice there are a lot of questions being posed in this post. I am asking myself these questions. I know lots of different tips and tricks work for lots of different people but please don’t leave a comment telling me what does and doesn’t work or what I can try. I know it ALL. That’s what makes this even more frustrating and reading comments about it will just result in me lobbing my laptop out the window.

To tell you the truth, I feel better just getting this out of my head. Tomorrow is a new day and do want to make it the day when I turn things around. Yeah, it’s not the best day to be refocusing as I’m out for lunch and going to a bar launch in the evening – but well, that’s life innit.  I’ve got a really quiet week ahead and I could really make big inroads into that 7lbs. The weekend is mine. I could exercise and cook – and plan. Key word there... plan.

Okay, a plan is what I need. I plan is what I shall have.


  1. Planning is definitely key- I know I haven't been fulfilling my potential in the weight loss department over the past couple of weeks, and I know its due to the fact that I have no plan. I haven't done a proper food shop in ages, and whenever I 'm hungry I just stare into the fridge waiting for some good food to appear, and then I realise all I have is cheese and bread! Good luck on the re-committing, you can do it!
    (By the way, is your blog name a reference to the Cure song?)

  2. Awww, I do know how you feel - for me it's a battle every day and not one I always feel equal to. A plan does make all the difference to me - stops a measure of agonising and dithering. We're with you! Good luck.


  3. Spewing - just wrote you a long homily then the fxxxing thing disappeared. Don't know if I can be so inspired second time round. Basically I was saying that it's not knowledge that's the problem - it's headspace. I know exactly what to do (and have done it several times) but if I can't get my head in the right space it's damn near impossible. And if I knew how to get it there on demand I'd be a very rich little lady! But you are thinking about it and so that helps limit the damage. Hang in there kiddo. Zxxx

  4. Are you following any plan, like Slimming World or Weight Watchers? Or are you doing it solo?

  5. Thanks Ladies. I am feeling SO much better today and have got my head back on straight.

    Ffion - it is a ret to The Cure song. I love it and I adore cats. I am crazy cat lady.

    Peridot, a plan has formed. It is in action!

    Zanna - thanks for taking the time to repost your thoughts. I did a lot of thinking last night and I think I am slowly shifting my mind frame into a much more positive one.

    Claire, I've been a calorie counter for years but decided to give Slimming World a go at the end of last year. I liked it and it seemed to work. I just need to give it another go - and actually commit to it.


Go on then, spill.