Choo choo

I think I'm back on track.

My eating is pretty damn shit hot (apart from a bit too much sugar - as per usual) and I've had three really good workouts three days running. Some of the bloat from the weekend's face filling episode has gone down and I feel more in control. Oh control how I love thee.

I'm planning meals and trying to be as organised as possible. So far, so good. I've got 5 hours on a train tomorrow as I head off for a hen weekend but I know what's for brekkie and lunch. Dinner will be eaten out but it's about making the sensible choice. One choice at a time.

I'm a bridesmaid in three weeks time. I don't want to let myself down on the day by wishing I could have done more.

E = Mc Fatty

The title of this post should be 'Weigh in'. Should. It's not. It's not because I couldn't face the scales this morning. For the first time since March, I've dodged a weigh in. 

After my mini meltdown on Friday I proceeded to stuff my face for most of the weekend, culminating in a toffee frenzy on Sunday night. Hmmmm. Not good. Monday morning rolled around and I started the day well. Fruit for breakfast, scrambled eggs (no toast) for lunch and cold meat for dinner. Yeah, that's not much for dinner but I was driving and that was the easiest thing to eat  - alongside the best part of a massive back of mint humbugs. Whoops. I was buzzing on sugar, let me tell you. Distracted, edgy, tired but not relaxed.

I was visiting my friend 50 miles away who has just had a baby. I was heading home and I saw the turnoff on the motorway for my parent's house. I took it. I needed some mummy loving and so I headed to the family nest.

After blethering with my mum and dad for a while, mum and I soon got down to the serious nitty gritty. I didn't quite give her the full version of what I posted her on Friday but I did allude to the fact that I was worried about being left behind. She didn't give me much of chance to dwell on that and cut me off with a "Don't worry about that" - and moved onto what positive action I was going to take. Okay then - no time for self doubt or pity then.

But it's the positive action that I'm struggling with. I've definitely put on quite a few pounds. I can feel it when I'm running; I can feel it in my clothes. I'm not sure of the extent of the damage but it has been done, I can promise you that.

The problem has been having a firm plan of action, for food and exercise,  and actually sticking to it. Real life has gotten in the way, work is really busy and my social life too. I've got things happening in the evenings, more time is spent in front of my computer and I've just not had the time to dedicate to the weight loss journey. Dedication is what is takes for me to lose weight and it's that all or nothing attitude that has worked for me. A formula works because of the exact ingredients. If one ingredient changes then it's game over. That's what it's felt like for me. My magical blend has been tampered with.

Well, get yer lab coat and pop on those safety specs on because I'm cooking up a new formula.

So I'm struggling to exercise five times a week at pull pelt? I now do 4 and really really push myself for every minute of those. Plan, plan, plan. Get cooking, prepare meals, take a bag of carrots and some cold meat to the office to snack on during the day. Limit the treats - especially during the week. I know what to eat, I know what not to eat. I just need to think and act accordingly.

The next weigh in will be on Wednesday 5th October. I've got a hen weekend to negotiate between then and now but I can do it. I will do it. 

Onwards.

Different paths

Is it the be all and end all? No, of course it’s not. Losing weight is not ‘it’. But for so long – all my life, it’s been the holy grail. Even when I was a child, and I didn’t need to lose weight it was what I thought I wanted. What I thought I needed. 

Eventually it was what I needed. 15 and a half stone and miserable the decision to actually do it, to commit myself to losing weight had to be made or things could have gone in a very different direction. 

Now, years later, I’ve done it again – lost some of the weight that has made me feel like an outsider so many times in my life. My weight has been, and is, such a big issue for me. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and every decision I make throughout the day is connected to it. What will I wear, how do I look, what will people think, am I fit enough, will people be laughing at me. All the time. It’s constant. Never-ending, and exhausting. 

Yes, three stone lighter than my heaviest weight, those feelings of insecurity are not as strong as they used to be. I feel so much better than I used to. I feel something quite close to normal. I know I’m not done though, I’m not normal. I’m still bigger than almost all my friends. But... I’ve lost my drive. I’ve lost my total, laser like, dedication. I don’t know if this journey is going to continue anymore and that’s the hardest part to swallow for one main reason... my mum.

We’ve both being dieting for all our lives. Most years my mum loses around a stone and a half, and then puts it back on again. This year the penny seems to have dropped for us both. I’ve lost 2 stone, she’s lost 3. She’s the lightest weight she can ever remember being – since she was 11. She is going strong and shows no signs of stopping. Whereas I? Oh, I think it’s safe to stay I’ve stopped – and I keep stalling. 

I’m not happy about my lack of progress and more specifically, my state of mind. I am just not feeling it. I’m going through the motions with 75% of the effort. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’ve lost two stone. I’m sure I can keep it off and this might be it. My mum – she is still gung ho and our difference in attitudes is really upsetting me.

We talk about weight loss and dieting to no-one else except each other. Yes, we talk about it to other people but we don’t really discuss it with anyone else, get into the nitty gritty. No-one (except you lot) really know how much it affects me like she does, and vice versa. We’re each other’s biggest cheerleaders and being able to lose weight at the same time (for once) has been brilliant. But now... it feels like our paths are going in two very different directions. 

We were just chatting on the phone and I mentioned I’d had my hair cut but it was just a trim; I’m getting something more drastic done in November. My mum replied, “Well by the time November comes around you could be looking even thinner.” My heart sank. My mum doesn’t care what size I am, as long as I am healthy and happy. I know she’s just trying to gee me up and that’s her mindset at the moment – future dates are tied to possible weight loss. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear though. I said “Everything isn’t tied to that”. “Yes it is!” she said. 

No, it’s not.

What’s upsetting me is if I don’t lose any more weight how am I going to cheer her on? How am I going to convincingly motivate her and compliment her? She’ll stop talking to me about it and it’ll become the elephant in the room. The sad fact is also that I don’t want her to be smaller than me. How selfish is that? 

I tried to explain that this might be the end of the weight loss road for me and that we might be going in different directions now.

The phone line was terrible and I got cut off. I didn’t call her back.

I feel so upset now. I don’t want to have lost my drive. I don’t want my mum to leave me behind.

Weigh in

I've been scraping losses the past few weeks by the skin of my teeth. No more. Today's weigh in revealed a harsh reality... 2.5lbs on. That's me back to 12stone 11.25 lbs.

Eeek. That is bad. Even including holidays that's the worst gain I've had (pro rata) since getting my act together in March. I've just not been feeling it. Y'know. I'm going through the motions 75% of the time. As for the other 25%, don't ask.

I've been really lucky that I've had the time over the summer to really devote myself to losing weight. I've been able to prioritise it and fit the rest of my life around it. Now that I'm working from an office and there have been quite a few things going on - mainly social - working out and eating nothing but fish and veg, has had to take a back seat. Real like is back and I'm not integrating very well. And of course, being injured hasn't helped.

I need to refocus and get back into the groove. I did not like seeing the double digits of 11 pounds on the scales this morning. Not one bit! If I'm not careful 13 stone will be beckoning me in no time. Come back to the bigger bum club, the scales will whisper to me. Yeah, okay - this bum will always be bigger... You know what I mean though. I don't want to go back there. I want the lower 12s to be my danger zone. The weight range that I know I need to screw the nut and get back to keeping my eye on things. I'm not yet there though! I can be - and I want to be, and so I must make it so.

There's not been enough planning of food going on. Well, just a lack of general planning to be honest. So, umm... no time like the present... I've had porridge and banana for me brekkie today and lunch was my mum's ratatouille- so all good. However, I've got an after work event which means no dinner till.... well, who knows, and I have no idea what I'm having. Okay - plan. Banana and 1 tsp of honey late avo and scrambled eggs, no toast for dinner.

No exercise today  - apart from 10 mins of push ups and leg raises this morning - just too much on but tomorrow lunchtime is spinning and Friday morning will be a killer sesh too. I can do this. Don't let it go now Love Cat - 2011 is the year.


Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 178.25 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: plus 2.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 27.5 pounds

Good vibrations & positive vibes

So it's Friday and I've almost got three good days under my belt. I was out for dinner last night and while it wasn't the healthiest of meals I made the best choice I could, didn't have any wine and said no to pudding.

I've also had some really good workouts. I was planning to sneak another one in later today but my ankle (zzzzz) is playing up and so I think my 3 mile cycle (to the office and back) and some push ups and leg raises at home will have to suffice.

Looking at next week's diary which is choc a bloc I am really struggling to fit in many workouts. From weigh in to weigh in I used to manage 5. At the moment it's down to 4 and one of those is not as strenuous as it should be. This week it's only going to be 3. Not good. I'm going to have to watch the weekend eating like a hawk so that I make some sort of compensation.

TB is coming to mine for the weekend and on the menu tonight is chilli packed with veg. He is having his with nachos and cheese. I am having mine with a sweet potato. I might even go crazy and have a piece of broccoli. I know - INSANE!

If I'm mindful I can keep have a pretty healthy weekend. Barbeque tomorrow - to which I will take chicken to have with salad, and in the evening we've got my cousin's wedding reception (cheers for the all day invitation). My mum will be there which is a bit like having some sort of insurance policy. I'm not planning to go anywhere near the buffet but if she's there I know even thinking about sneaking a sausage roll would be as offensive turning up in a big white puffy dress. We (TB) are also driving to all these things and so while I could drink I'm not going to knock the booze back while he is stone cold sober.

I'm also wearing the pink dress I wore to the wedding I went to in August. I know I look good in it and so I'm quite hoping for a compliment from my bruv and sister in law. You can but hope. I saw another friend last night who I've not seen for months and months and she didn't utter a peep about me looking any slimmer either. I actually don't mind at all. I know I feel pretty good and that's the main thing.

The plan for the rest of the weekend involves walks by the river, coffee shops, charity shops, films, lots of sex and a bank holiday Monday.

Have a wonderful weekend my darlings - and get sloshed for me!  x

Weigh in

Yet again I was feeling trepidatious (did someone blog about this word once upon a time? I'm looking at you Peridot) about getting on the scales. Yet again I scraped a loss. Half a pound off.

It's a paltry amount but following the Shepard's Pie made with double cream and cheese, Eaton mess (more double cream), a lot of rum and red wine, a whole bag of barley sugars and a delicious five course meal- I'll take it.

While it's a downward trend and I'm creeping back to my lowest weight ever it's not really good enough. Yes, I'm still not quite exercising as much as I was pre ankle crapness but if I stopped eating yummy and fatty things I could easily lose more. I'm currently 12 stone 8.75lbs (gotta love scales that register 1/4 pounds). Half a pound more and I'll have lost 2 stone dead on. 1.25lbs and I'll be at my lowest ever. What am I waiting for?

There are a few things that have thrown me...

1. Being in an office. When I'm at home if I get hungry, I eat a healthy snack from the many options at my fingertips in my own kitchen. Or I have an early tea and keep working. When I'm in the office I've only got the food I brought with me and inevitably by 4pm I am ready to eat my own arm. This translates into picking when I get home.

2. The ankle. I am so bored of this topic. The upshot it this; running is limited to the odd 10 minute burst on the treadmill. So what. I lost almost 3 stone before and didn't even so much as look at the treadmill. I'm doing more spinning and am avoiding circuits for a few more weeks. Deal with it woman.

3. I feel good. I actually feel pretty good about myself right now. I look... normal. Yeah, I've still got a big bum and there is certainly more weight to lose but I'm enjoying how I look right now and I've maybe not felt quite as driven. That's no bad thing but I would like to lose more and while I still seem to be able to lose (even if it is just a half pound here and there) I should make the most of it.

So it's another week and time for me to stop faffing around and make some serious inroads into getting down into the lower half of the 12 stone range. Onwards and downwards!

Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 176.75 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 27.5 pounds

So, how about it?

So it's official, TB and I are going to be living in sin. And I cannot wait.

I've mentioned before that I envisaged us living together in the not too distant future and I'm so excited it's really happening. I'm actually pretty nervous about it too but that's only to be expected. Excited and nervous. I can think of worse combinations. So how did it come about?

Well, TB lives where he does because that's where his job is. In fact that's the where his entire industry is and so there is no moving for him. I am self employed (and freelance). As long as I can meet my clients once a month or so, then I can operate from anywhere.

Over the past few months I'd done a bit of projecting in my head. You know, a bit like you do with dieting. If I lose a pound a week then I could be x weight by x time. Except in this case I was thinking, if we decide we want to go for it then by the time I rent out my current flat then it'll be x time ( and x = ages away!). I don't mind travelling to see TB (and because of the work thing I do more of the travelling) but it's 2 and a half hours on a train and it's not cheap. A year of doing it is okay. 2 years is too much. I realised that I was going to have to make the suggestion. TB is very laid back and it wouldn't occur to him that we have to start planning. 

Bringing up the whole topic wasn't something I was looking forward to. In fact it's fair to say I was shitting myself. What if I threw the idea out there and he wasn't keen. It was totally plausible that he would want to keep things the way they were. Things are good, why change them? I had to say something though. It was on my mind and if I didn't do it in a measured way I'd end up getting smashed and blurting it out.

My plan was this: we'd go on holiday and have a lovely lovely time and spend lots of quality time together. At the end of the holiday when the time to head home to our respective cities was looming, I'd gently bring the topic up. I had this plan in mind even before we went. As the last night drew closer I was getting more nervous. I almost brought it up on the second last night as we were relaxing after our meal looking out over the sea from our restaurant at the harbour's edge. I had the words ready, but I just couldn't bring myself to utter them. At this rate I would end up mumbling something as we picked up our luggage carousel.

The last day of the holiday arrived. I waited until our last meal. I waited until we'd finished eating, I waited until the last possible moment. I was shaking. The line I'd rehearsed in my head was now making it's way out of my mouth. "So I think this holiday is possible the longest amount of time we've spent together". "Yeah, you could be right. It may well be. Or maybe Christmas time," he replied.

Okay, that was my opener. I had my follow up line ready. "So how do you feel about spending more time together?" My heart was pounding at this point. TB met my gaze. "What do you mean?" he asked.

I didn't have another line prepared. I wasn't sure what to say next and so I just began talking about how living so far apart wasn't that easy and although we saw each other quite a lot, the travelling and constant planning was tiring. TB agreed and acknowledged that I do a lot of the running around on trains and making plans so we can see each other. But did he want to live with me?!

"Would you want to live in my city?" he said. "Well, it's not my first choice but the fact of the matter is that right now your job means that it's the only option," I replied.  And so the conversation went from there, talking about logistics and options. My breathing slowed from a rapid pant to something not quite resembling hyperventilating as I realised TB was actually up for us living together. What's that? He thought us living together was a good idea? He was up for it?! Whoooo hoooo! This was the best holiday ever!

I'm not about to pack my bags and head to his tomorrow morning. Far from it. We've put a date of around March next year to make things happen. I love my flat where I live right now and I'm not quite ready to leave (I am also freaking about not having my own space 5 days a week - and a massive pile of other things which I shall no doubt be spraffing on about the months to come). As well as that I need to make arrangements to rent it out and we need to find somewhere at his end that suits us both.  So it's all systems go.

I've purposely not mentioned where I live now and where TB lives, all in the interests of keeping the blog anonymous. My old blog gave away far too much info, hence the move here and so I'd rather not say if that's okay. If you are really dying to know then drop me an email. I'm pretty sure you don't care that much though!

Right, it's late and I have to weigh myself tomorrow morning so I need to scoot off to bed. Once again I am not looking forward to it. Too many slip ups over the weekend and the ankle... oh, the ankle.

NEWS!

I had a big post all ready to go but blogger is being a total arse.

So instead, here is the news I have been dangling in front of you.

Whenever I think about it I feel a wave of panic come over me... but then excitement.

TB and I are moving in together! Waaaaaaaaaaa! I'm upping sticks and moving 120 miles north!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Weigh in. Wolf!

It was that time again this morning... scale time. It's pretty obvious I wasn't looking forward to it after all my bleating and wailing in yesterday's post.

I did that thing where I was dreaming about weighing myself, a sure sign I am worked up about it. In my dream I had somehow managed to find a setting on the scales that meant I got my reading in stones, pounds and ounces. Anyhoo.... I feel like the chubby girl that cried 'the cake is finished' or some such food and fat related metaphor;  I lost 3/4 of a pound.

Sorry, I feel like a fraud. There I was banging on about how I had lost my way and get I still managed to lose something. I was convinced I was going to gain but what do you know, I'm still edging down. And of course, now I am wondering how much I could have lost if I had stayed on track. But enough of those what if thoughts. I'm just so glad that things are moving in the right direction. Yes, they might be moving very slowly but the fact that they are moving at all is a bloody marvelous thing.

I'm not quite back in the positive mind set 100% but I am definitely getting there. Of course, the loss this morning was a farking huge help but last night's workout really got me going. Off I popped to spinning - which was SO hard. I'm still struggling with my fitness a bit and I also felt a bit emotional in the class during some of the longer stand up sprints (I have since realised that my period is due so that might have something do with the OTT emotionals). After the class I thought, 'I know my ankle is still swollen but it feels pretty much okay most of the time, I'm going to test it out on the treadmill'. And so on I popped.

I kept the incline at 0% and tried out 8.6kmph for a minute. It felt okay. I kept going. 30 seconds later I upped my speed to 10kmph for a quick blast. My ankle still felt okay. I took the speed down and walked for a minute. Everything was okay. Could it be that I can actually run? To make sure I tried again and this time I kept going until I hit the 10 minute mark! Can you believe it?! I am so so pleased.

I won't lie to you, my ankle does feel a bit twingy today but nothing too bad at all. My normal routine would be circuits tonight and a 7 mile cycle but I've covered almost 10 miles today on my trusty wheels as I nipped about over town on various errands. And so I'm going to call it a day at that. There is still quite a lot of swelling and so I do need to be careful how much I push on.

I've had a really great day foodwise and I feel motivated to stick to it and push on for another week. The mojo (oh yeah, I ate some of them at the weekend too) is coming back. And thanks for your comments. It really does feel great to you've got people rooting for you.

I've got friend coming over for take out sushi tonight which won't break the diet bank and I'll just say no thanks to wine. One choice at a time. I chose to be in control.

Starting Weight: 204.25 pounds
Current Weight: 177.25 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.75 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 27 pounds

Toiling

I knew this day would come. It’s always been in the post, I just didn’t know how swift the postman would be.

I’ve lost my dieting mojo. Big sigh. I actually just did a massive, shoulder dropping sigh.

I’ve not totally lost the plot. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not inhaling everything that’s not nailed down. I’m not making trips to the supermarket to buy a pile of junk to eat. I’m not secret eating.  But things are not what they used to be – or need to be.

I predominantly blame this stupid, swollen ankle of mine. It would seem that I’m going to have to take it easy for more than just a week or so. It’s still as swollen as ever and rotating it round to a certain degree is impossible. This means running and lunging are still out. I do a lot of lunging as part of my general gym workouts and I know they make a difference. It also means no bodypump, no circuits, no general running. That’s a lot of no’s.

There is still a lot I can do, cycling, cross trainer, spinning, squats, ab work, upper body weights, lower leg static weights - all at a slightly less intensive level than I would like to be doing it. But I’ve not really being doing them.

I just feel so.... unmotivated. I picked at food over the weekend and somehow found myself merrily chomping on chocolate biscuits without a second thought. There were lots of other minor misdemeanours (fudge, meringues, fairy cakes) – the worst of which was eating a kebab at 11pm on Sunday night for my dinner – oh and a bit of chicken and veggie pakora.

So really nothing too major. Really not major at all but compared to my positive and focused attitude, I feel a million miles away. If I ever slip up much I feel like I get right back on track with a sterling day of eating really healthily and keeping portions down – and a really hard and sweaty workout.  

So yesterday, I was feeling annoyed about the kebab action and the weekend of slackness. I stuck to fruit for breakfast and a chickpea and tomato veggie thing for lunch. I then went home, had a healthy tea and proceeded to sit on the couch and demolish the best part of a bag of sherbet strawberries for the rest of the night.  No gym action, just a shit load of sugar. Nice one. Nice one you bloody idiot.

I’m letting this ankle situation get to me. It’s thrown me off track, my routine has been knocked off course and I’m losing focus. When I was in London, barely in control of what I was eating and dealing with the unknown did I let that stop me? NO. Completely the opposite. I saw a challenge and I kicked arse.  Why am I letting this time be any different?

So, I’ve had a few days of dodgy eating and I’ve not exercised as much as I would have liked. That is not going to suddenly make me gain half a stone. Keeping in this frame of mind will make that happen though.

I need to get back into the groove, yes – a slightly different groove – and get the chuffing hell on with it.  I still look the same. I’ve maybe put on a few pounds but that is a mere blip – not a tidal wave.

It’s nearly the end of the working day and I’ve had a great day so far. I’m going to have some fish and veggies for dinner and then I am going to spinning. I do not want to weigh in tomorrow but I am going to do it and I am going to deal with it.

It’s not as much as I should have done but here is the exercise run down.

Wednesday: Upper body weights and side leg raises in the flat

Thursday: 4 miles on bike. 40 min spin class.

Friday: 3 miles on bike, 10 mins cross trainer, 25 mins of weight machines and squats

Sat & Sunday: Nothing

Monday: 5.5 miles on bike

Tuesday: Spinning

Some chitty chat

I ain't got no time to do a proper update, innit. And so here is a quick blast.

• It's TB's and my 1 year anniversary tomorrow! He's coming to mine tonight and I am going to cook us a lovely meal. I am excited!
• I am loving being in an office with people. There is lots of great chat and I am getting loads done. Admittedly, loads is actually lots of hen do organising and emailing friends, but it's getting done!
• The ankle is not good. I've been pretty active and I can feel it hurting later that day/night and it's still very swollen. I've really cut back on the exercise i.e. Wednesday's seven mile cycle and circuits class were replaced yesterday with nothing at all and yesterday I only did a 40 minute spin class. I think I need to get back on the icing. Gonna do some weights on the machines at the gym later today interspersed with some cross trainer action. I know Furious G was looking for some chat on weights. Will get round to this next week, I promise.
• I am hemorrhaging money right now. Dentist fitted a crown yesterday - £280. Bang! Car engine packed in. £800. Bang! Wedding presents - £100. Bang!
• Work is picking up! Got a new gym client, a proper bodybuilding  gym! How exciting is that?! It's feck all money but it's money.
• Eating has been going pretty god damn well but not exercising does not help. Example: Wednesday I did nothing and I ended up eating two meringue nests with creme fraiche (low fat). Not a big deal at all. I mean, we're talking about 150 cals but I would normally have worked out and not eaten that, so it's a double whammy of negativity. Must watch that from now on.

I've also got something very very exciting and also quite scary that I shall be revealing next week. No, I am not up the duff.

Have a wonderous weekend my lovelies. x