All Hail The Plan

It’s been five days since my last post. Five days since I wittered on about how I was struggling with all things diet related and how I proclaimed I was going to devise a plan.

I did indeed devise a plan. Nothing that’s going to push the boundaries of healthy eating and dieting or recalculate the value of a calorie but just a plan that I can get my head around. 

I started to eat healthily on Thursday of last week. I wasn’t really adhering to diet like proportions but compared to what I had been shoving down my cake hole – it was worlds apart.  I muddled through the next few days, eating relatively well and I even did a 4 mile bike ride, my first of 2011.

After a couple of nights on the sauce and a chocolate whoopie cake- okay two chocolate whoopie cakes, I knew things were sliding and it was time to stop fannying around. I had to stop playing at trying to lose weight. If I’m going to do this, 75% effort just doesn’t cut it. If I really want to do this, to make some headway and see some results then I have to give more. 

And just what is more? Well, more is a spreadsheet! I am on a really tight budget at the moment and am really counting the pennies. I’m actually having to look in my cupboards and freezer and see what I’ve got in that I can make into a meal that requires me to buy the least amount of ingredients. Okay- it’s not always going to be that drastic but payday has been a very long time coming this week and two nights out that weren’t planned have set me back. 

So I’ve taken this opportunity to create a spreadsheet that plans out all my meals, where I can enter syn values and keep track of what the hell is going on. It also means I can plan out what meals I’ve made, what I need to buy and generally just do a bit of planning – which makes it easier to save money.

Sometimes I just love being anal. I said being!

The meal planning and eating on plan really kicked into gear on Sunday and so I’ve also hit the gym. I went on Sunday and despite being close to throwing up a couple of times I still felt really focused and pushed myself to do more than I would normally. I went again tonight and my legs are aching. 

I’ve not weighed myself since January 20^th when I was 14 stone 1.75lbs (hell yeah, I count the ¼ pounds!). I’m next weighing on Friday. I have no idea what weight I will be then. I’m hoping it’s roughly around the same as the last time I ventured onto the electronic device of crazy. No point in worrying about that though, just got to get on with it this week.

Gone pearshaped

It's been a week since my last post. A week is a long time in the life of a dieter and I think we all know that radio silence from me usually means that I am too busy stuffing my face for me to give blogging a second thought.

I don't know what’s wrong with me. Why do I do this to myself time and time again? I weighed myself on Thursday and I'd lost a pound a half. I was pleased with the loss but the truth is I wanted more. I felt like I'd worked hard enough for more. I wasn't satisfied. I kept on the straight and narrow until Thursday night (big wow, a whole 8 hours) when I arrived at TB's house. After that it all just turned to shit and it's been that way since. Truly horrendous. Even as I type this I'm all glassy eyed as I've got so much sugar pumping through my veins. If you cut me open you wouldn't find blood, there would be condensed milk.

If you have ever watched shows like The Biggest Loser, they are always trying to find out why people have gotten so fat; what is the underlying reason? I always say it's simply because I like food. I love eating and happen to be very good at it. In fact, I can remember writing a post about that very subject away back in 2005. Dear god, 2005! Is it really my 6th year of doing this? Anyway, my point is that I never thought I had an underlying reason or other issues but the all of a sudden the reality of my fears and insecurities became apparent. Who knows why but it just seemed to come to me the other night, out of thin air.

I do love food and I have formed an unhealthy relationship with it, which is now habitual.  What I also now realise is that yes, there is a bit more to it. If you know me this sounds completely absurd as I am a confident person and have a really positive attitude but.... what if I was thin and someone decided they didn’t like me. It wouldn’t be because I’m fat. It would be because of me- the person that I am. Fat is easy to hide behind – in more ways than one. It’s my blubbery safety blanket but, in what warped world it is better to be fat just so I can blame things on my size rather than who I am? What a weirdo! 

This is all very self indulgent and while it may or may not be true, it doesn’t detract from the fact. I am struggling. Whatever the reasons are, I feel like I’m losing the plot. Every day I wake up with the best intentions. I want to stick to the plan, any plan, but after only a few hours the ‘just one more day’ thoughts creep into my head. And that’s all it takes. Just one thought like that and the day is a write off. 

There is no doubt that being with TB makes dieting harder. Not impossible, but harder. However, I’m not seeing him again until a week on Saturday. I’ve had the best part of two weeks to eat all the right things, go to the gym and look after myself. I’m throwing that opportunity away. What am I playing at? Why am I behaving like this? I am at the upper end of my weight range and if I’m not careful it’s going to rocket up even higher. I do not want to go back there.

All it would take for me to feel a million times better is half a stone. 7 pounds. I’d still have plenty of work to do but that half stone makes all the difference in terms of clothes fitting and me feeling good about myself.  So if it’s only half a stone, what am I waiting for? The freaking second coming? At this rate it feels more likely that Jesus Christ himself will turn up at my door with a vat of water he’s about to turn into wine for us both to get shitfaced on than I'll lose some serious weight.

You might notice there are a lot of questions being posed in this post. I am asking myself these questions. I know lots of different tips and tricks work for lots of different people but please don’t leave a comment telling me what does and doesn’t work or what I can try. I know it ALL. That’s what makes this even more frustrating and reading comments about it will just result in me lobbing my laptop out the window.

To tell you the truth, I feel better just getting this out of my head. Tomorrow is a new day and do want to make it the day when I turn things around. Yeah, it’s not the best day to be refocusing as I’m out for lunch and going to a bar launch in the evening – but well, that’s life innit.  I’ve got a really quiet week ahead and I could really make big inroads into that 7lbs. The weekend is mine. I could exercise and cook – and plan. Key word there... plan.

Okay, a plan is what I need. I plan is what I shall have.

A galaxy of pain

I would consider myself a Bodypump aficionado. I've been going on and off for around nine years. When I've been going regularly I'm lifting some heavy weights, my form is spot on and I really enjoy it. Good grief that sounds smug. Well, read on for a serious lack of smug face.

I went along to a class on Monday evening- about three months since my last appearance. I tried to think back to my old weights and used roughly the same - just as wee bit lighter. I was doing pretty well and was pleased that I managed to pick up roughly where I left off. Until.... the back track. this was about a third of the way through the class. I couldn't remember what weight I used and somehow managed to fire on more than I have ever lifted for that track. I thought it looked a bit heavy and then I picked it up. Dear God. It weighed a tonne. Just as I'm thinking to myself: 'You've clearly made a mistake here missy, get those weights off quick smart', the music starts up and the instructor who has me directly in her eye line clocks my bar and says: "Oooh, that's a brave weight."

Ha! No- it's not brave at all. Foolish! It's truly foolish! As I struggle under its gargantuan weight I cry: "No, no! It's too much. It was a mistake... A mistake, I tell you.' Alright, I might have added on the last bit there but mistake, mistake, mistake was echoing around my brain as the instructor replied: "No, no - on you go."

WHAT? The sadist was egging me on! By this point everyone in the class has turned to see if I was lifting a baby elephant. Well, it bloody well felt like it. There was no going back now and before I knew I was deadlifting and rowing and cleaning and jerking. It was hell. Pure hell.

Everything was burning and I was actually a bit worried about dropping it. I have no idea how I made it through the whole track. But made it I did. The rest of the class was a blur. I was broken. I have never had to stop early during the lunge track but there was nothing left in my tank. I was spent.

It's now late on Wednesday night. I'm still in agony. Getting undressed and brushing my hair are mammoth challenges. However, I did manage to crack out a 5km run today. Ha! In your face bodypump.

The Local

What's a bathroom without disco

The week that was. Work and diet.

How much do I want this wallpaper?

Sunday avo walk

TB's shadow in the low winter sun

Yes, I have a mirrorball in my bathroom. Makes brushing your teeth a whole new experience. I might have had a small mishap in the shape of me hitting it with my arm while peeling off my running kit the other night and have had to do some supergluing action. I love superglue. The things I've fixed with it over the years.

As you know it's been a full on diet week, and work has been pretty intense too. Diet over the weekend was maybe... 7/10. Pretty happy with that. Turned down pudding twice (one of which was sticky toffee!), turned down cheesy garlic bread and also had  small portion of pasta with a big salad instead of all pasta. Drank a lot and also had a fair few chocs which wasn't so good but overall - def made the right choices so feeling quite pleased with myself. Got three stonking days coming up. before weigh day.

Went out for lunch on Sunday to a beautiful place with the most incredible wall paper. I love the old silver screen goddesses. Glamour, mystery, killer one lines - and curves. My kinda ladies.

TB and I went for a walk along the beach on Sunday. The sun was low in the sky and we wandered along in the blustery wind admiring the view. Once the wholesome activities were complete we then went to TB's local. We've never been in before as it looks rough as. We were not disappointed. 

Sunday afternoon is karaoke and all the regulars were there. Most of them are total alcoholics and some were most definitely not the full shilling. The karaoke compere is a short man in his early 60s and is as camp as a row of pink tents. After belting out Cabaret he looks over at me and says "So I think you can guess my other job now." Amazing. Despite the fact most people are either socially inept, have no teeth, can barely stand up and are spoiling for a fight, they are all pretty good singers! Loved it. So much fun. 

Counting down the days till we go back this weekend coming!

Fat is Fun!

The problem with dieting – correction one of the problems with dieting is that it’s no fun. My friend and I have an ongoing joke about how everything in life has to be fun. 

•  How did your date go last night? Was he fun?
• Did you enjoy New Year? Yes, it was fun 
• That’s a great outfit. Really fun.

You get the gist. But I’ll tell you what’s not fitting with fun... dieting! Don’t get me wrong there is an element of enjoyment that comes with dieting; self satisfaction, achievement, goal meeting and so so on but it’s not exactly the stuff that wild weekends are made of.

I like to think I am fun and spontaneous and enjoy new things. Dieting does not allow for a whole lotta these things and to tell you the truth it makes me feel a bit boring. I can cope with this for the most part but when in a new relationship the last thing I want to be is the no person. You know... The one that says no to takeaway, the one that doesn’t want a beer or wine, the one that turns down a surprise roll and bacon that’s been made for them.

No matter how you dress it up, dieting is DULL. Have you tried going to a festival and dieting? What about dinner at a friend’s? Everyone else is shitfaced on wine and Goldschlager and wine and you are driving (that was last night for me). 

Okay, let’s turn down the melodrama for a moment. I can do it. I have done it. If dieting was easy then I wouldn’t be where I am now. It’s just blows especially hard when you want to be the fun girlfriend and from time to time you sound like a clichéd bird. The phrase skinny latte makes me want to throw scalding hot milk in my own face.  I am not that kind of girl. I love a latte but ordering a skinny latte and being the person that talks about dieting with her ‘gal pals’ is not me. Yeah, I bang on about it on my blog but that’s one of the reason this thing exists – to provide me with an outlet for it. I don’t really like talking about it in the real world (apart from to me mum).

So what point am I trying to make here? Well, it’s just that I find it doubly hard to stick to my diet when with TB. He loves food and eating all the things that are wrong for you. I love those things too! But I need to start making some decisions that are going to benefit me in the long run.  I’m sure he wouldn’t complain if I was thinner and it’s what I want. If I really want it then it making some sacrifices  is how it has to be. Onwards and downwards!

Weigh In

Thank Crunchie it's Friday. Been a really busy week and this exercising malarkey has totally knackered me!

As planned I weighed in this morning. I hoped for a small loss and I got it- 1.25lbs off. I'm feeling neither up nor down about it as I pretty much expected and it's not enough to notice it physically. So the plan is onwards for a stonking week and nice solid loss of a couple of pounds.

For the first time in ages my mum and I are roughly the same weight, give or take a few pounds (she is 3" smaller than me as well), and so I'm determined not to let her to speed off into the 13's and then the 12's without me. I also seem to be in sync with the lovey Lesley over at Live to Slim and once she gets going there is no stopping her so that's another one I need to keep up with!

I went out for my second outdoors run last night. Once I get going I surprise myself at how much I enjoy it. My 5km time is sitting at 37 mins. I felt that I really pushed myself to get that but I know I can do better (best ever was on the treadmill and was 32 mins). It's just a case of building up and not lugging an extra stone on the journey with me! Legs are aching today and it was painful to hold them up when I was getting my Brazilian today!

Now that I'm back into the running it's time to brave the January gym. Ugh. Cannot stand the gym in Jan. People generally get on my nerves but in a packed gym environment where my personal space is being invaded and people are talking too loudly then I am likely to want to punch you in the puss. Won't, but would like to. This is where I need to take control of my schedule and go during the day. I work for myself, from home which is but 5 mins from the gym so there is no excuse for not going to a lunchtime class.

Things that are challenging diet wise this week are:

• Dinner and wine at a friend's house tonight
• Off to TB's tomorrow morning till Monday morning. That's a whole post in itself.
• 6 day week as weighing on Thursday next week - off to TB that avo.

Righto peeps. Have a great weekend wherever you are and thoughts going out to those in Oz. x

Slacker

The new year healthy push started on Wednesday of last week. It ended on Saturday. Lame.

I don't know why I can't seem to get my brain into gear. Even the three days that I actually stuck to the Slimming World diet were days that I just felt like I was going through the motions, not really feeling it. And to be in the groove I need to be feeling it. You feel me?

Yesterday was an okay day. In fact, apart from around 50grams of green and blacks, a packet of crisps and a slice of cheddar cheese, it was pretty good. However, what set it apart from the other days is that I went out for run. I was really dreading it as I'm not exaggerating when I say that walking up stairs has been tougher than it was a few weeks ago. Who knows why my body was so nice to me but I managed to complete my 5km run in just over 20 seconds longer than the last time I did in November. Thank you body- all 14 stone and 4.5lbs of it!

Yes, okay - there it is, I'm back into that 14 stone range - again. The same 14 stone that I vowed to never let the see the light of day on my scales ever again. I'll come onto that in a moment.

The run was tough (head pounding and chest burning) and there was a lot of coughing for the rest of the evening but it's the first one of 2011 and it's done.  My thighs just above my knees and my bum are pretty sore today and I suspect there will be more of the same tomorrow but tough titty, as out for another run I shall be going.

So here we are again at the very upper limit of where I've been weight wise since I lost the best part of three stone - quite a number of years ago now. Let me be clear about this. I am not happy about it. Not at all and I need to get back into the 13stone bracket and sharpish. Once there I need to make some serious headway in getting towards the 12s. I can do it. I just need to excerpt some self control, will power and freaking dedication. It's a stone and a half, not the moon on a farking stick.

I mentioned before I'm not planning (for the moment) to go back to Slimming World. I'm going to follow the plan but I'm going to weigh in on a weekly basis at home. I'll give it a couple of weeks and if I'm struggling then I'll wobble back to the classes. 

While this might sound like a wobble - it's kinda my one get outta jail free card; I'm not going to weigh in until Friday. The week has been all over the place and I sort of need to wipe the slate clean but if I could do that with a tiny loss... then chocolate all round! Joke!

Fess up, woman

When it comes to telling someone you love them, it’s not the easiest of tasks. You might think it’s just a case of uttering the words and for someone like me who isn’t really known for her tact, then what’s the problem?

Well, I’m not too sure what the problem was. I wanted to tell TB how I felt about him because... ummm.... I suppose I felt I had to because without even realising it I nearly said it a few times and it’s not the kind of thing I wanted to sound like a throwaway comment.

The full realisation that I’m in love with him dawned on me at the tail end of the year and I thought there might be a moment over the festive period when it might feel like the right time to tell him. Initially I was going to wait until he said it but then things over the past few weeks just feel like they clicked between us, just something more intimate happened and even if he wasn’t ready to say it, I was and I wanted him to know how I felt. Thing is, it’s not that simple and there was always something holding me back. You know, either we had been out drinking and so I didn’t want him to think it was the drink talking, or we were in bed together – just felt a bit clichéd and I didn’t want him to think it was just a post sex utterance.

I then thought I could maybe get a bit creative. TB often logs into his Spotify account on my laptop and forgets to log off. This means I’ve got access to his playlists etc and once before I created a playlist called something like ‘Love Cat is the best’ and filled it with songs such as ‘I can’t live without you’ and ‘Nothing Compares to You’. As you can imagine I thought I was highly amusing doing this! TB did find it funny too. Anyway, I created a new one the other week called ‘Love Cat is amazing’ and he spied it – hilarity all round. I was going to add just one song to it – Everybody Knows by The Divine Comedy. But then I thought he might not look in there and I could be waiting forever for him to mention it!

My second idea was to write something in the steamy bathroom mirror. I did this on the second weekend we spent together and he loved it. Said it was the kind of thing he always wished someone would do for him (soppy sod). But then what if I wrote him a message and he wasn’t sure what it said (mirrors are not the best canvas) or didn’t notice it? I’d be on tenter hooks with that idea too.

My final, and most lame idea, was to just shout it back at him as he was leaving my flat or I was heading to the train station as he dropped me off. The most unsubtle of them all but then at least I’d know he knew. But part of me wanted to see his reaction too and doing it while parting wasn’t going to help with that.

TB spent the weekend at mine as we had a family meal at my parent’s for my dad’s birthday and then on Sunday he helped me and my parent’s clear out my basement which got flooded over the hols. There was all manner of crap down there including rubble, breeze blocks  and plasterboard etc from when my flat was renovated 30 years ago-  disgusting. Who needs a skip when you’ve got basement, eh? Anyway, he got stuck in and was such a massive help. He got on so well with my whole family at the weekend, I was so proud of him that I knew I had to tell him I loved him. No faff, no secret messages – just tell him.

Later that night we were lying on the couch together. TB had about half an hour before he had to leave and head back home. Time was running out for me to say anything! Gah! I went to the loo and looked myself in the eye. Just do it, woman! I practically ran back to the couch, jumped next to him and lay down with my face in his tummy. Before I could back out I sort of shout out ‘TB, I love you’.  Ugh – I’d done it. A second passed. It felt like an hour as I waited for his reaction.  ‘You do?’ he said. Then, ‘I love you!’

Horay! He loves me and I love him! Yes, you can be sick now. Okay – I’ll keep it relatively mushy free so you can eat your tea without gagging... but I am a very happy girl. With our confessions/revelations out the way we both talked about how long we’d been feeling like this and how we were going to go about telling each other and so on. TB had to leave to start his 2 and a half hour drive home. Neither of us wanted to be apart so he suggested I went with him and get the train home a few nights later. 20 mins later, my bag was packed and we were in the car heading to his.   Le sigh.....

The year that was

Happy New Year!

Yes, I may almost be a week late. Yes, I may not have posted a recap of 2010, Yes, I may not have done a resolutions post.... but I'm here now- OKAY?!

So far 2011 has been pretty damn tip top. Lots of partying and eating and drinking followed by lots of sleeping. I only went back to work yesterday so it's all good but let's get the wash up meeting of my 30th year commence.

2010 was some year. Up and downs in huge proportions I'm so happy to have ended 2010 and started 2011 on a high. Let's have a look at the key milestones from 2010.

January
Let down by a bloke on Hogmanay (also propositioned for a threesome)
Work went really well
Bootcamp! Got down to my lowest weight for around five years.

February
Went to London for a dirty weekend with Topic
Work wasn't quite so busy
Got told about Moonraker by a friend

March
Everything came to a head with Skip. The end of an era and a really tough time for me
Went on a date with Moonrake and got swept off my feet

April
Really began to fall for Moonraker
Work began to get really quiet
Began to put on a few pounds

May
Turned 30! Had an amazing birthday and generally fantastic time
Told Moonraker I loved him
Work was non exitsent and I prepared to take up a waitressing job
Gained some more weight

June
Work started to  pick up - slowly
Moonraker met my Granny
Packed on a few more pounds

July
Moonraker started to go a bit funny. I could see the end coming
I went to Scout Camp.
I got dumped and my heartbroken for the second time in less than 6 months
I met ToyBoy

August
I spent a month texting and speaking to ToyBoy
Work got busier
I lost a few pounds

September
I went to visit Toyboy for a one off fun weekend
I went to visit Toyboy again
Toyboy came to see me
Moonraker asked me back. I stuck with Toyboy
Moved blog home

October
I realised that ToyBoy and I have something that's worth making an effort for
I meet up with Moonraker again and am happy I made the decision to stick with TB
I join slimming world
TB and I go away for a long weekend
Work is choc a block

November
I lose some weight which I then promptly start to put back on again
I see lots more of TB and the parental visits are all done - and go well
Work is great.

December
I put on more weight and am already willing January to arrive
Had my best month for work since I started working for myself
I realise I'm in love with TB