Hindsight & Foresight

A lot has happened over the past few weeks and I've had a chance to think about the choices I've made.

Toyboy is just brilliant and I am so pleased I decided to give us a chance. It's so easy to spend time with him and it just feels so comfortable - but at the same time exciting. I'm really relaxed about the age difference - not worried at all.

He's great because he teases me and winds me up (and I love that) and loves to make out that after 5 weeks together (since I first went to visit him) that he's got me whipped - but then he treats me, won't let me pay for anything, looks after me, drives 50 miles out of his way to pick me up late on a Friday night. He's also really tender and caring and the sex... Well, It's fantastic. And there is so much of it! To feel that wanted and desired is simply divine.

In addition to that - he's intelligent. He's not uber clever but he is definitely a smart cookie. I do think he's got the edge on me (not that I would admit that to him!) and just his logical and practical approach to things is... well, it sounds really sad  -but I love it! I find it incredibly attractive.

And how do I feel about Moonraker? Hmmm - I dunno. I do think about him quite a lot but not in a regretful way. I do think about what could have been, and about the family we could have been one day. I find that hard but I'm not pining for him. I called him the day after we met up after he dropped his bombshell. I thought it only fair that I let him know my decision.  We chatted for a bit and then I told him I was calling because I had done some thinking after we'd met the previous night and I thought we should just leave things as they were.

He thanked me for telling him. I explained that I didn't feel convinced that it was what he wanted and so I wasn't convinced it was right and that I was the one who would end up getting hurt again. He said he was convinced he wanted to try again. Not good enough. He then joked about spending the rest of the evening crying but then all of a sudden insisted he had to get off the phone. He sounded quite upset.

Hmmmm - so the shoe is on the other foot. I felt bad for him but part of me also is practical about the whole situation - a situation he brought it on himself. I was in an horrific state when he was dicking me about - and sadly that's the way it goes.

I texted him a few days later just saying hi and we had a couple of friendly messages back and forth. I was pleased. I wanted to make sure he was okay and that we were still okay  - okay as friends. On Friday just there a few more texts were exchanged - some friendly banter. All fine and dandy. Saturday night 1.30am. I'm on my way home from a night out with friends. Toyboy is with me (he'd just met all my friends that night and it had gone really well). I get a text from Moonraker. I angle the phone away from Toyboy so he can't see. I open up the text. 'Hey. Yes, I am drunk and yes it's a Saturday night. Just wanted to say hello! You okay?'

Shit. This is not good. He's on a boys weekend and his drunken thoughts are racing. Now that he can't have what he wants.... typical! I can't really keep my thoughts together but I don't think Toyboy notices. I don't reply. I'm not sending texts to my ex while I'm sitting next to my boyfriend - who I thinks is the bee's knees! 30 mins later another text from him arrives. 'Sorry, ignore that. Cringe'.  So he's realised that his text is pretty transparent. I still don't reply.

The next morning Toyboy is in the shower and I sent a text back. 'Sounds like the beer in Germany is strong stuff, you steamer.'  He replies. 'Sorry about that - bit embarrassed.' We send a few more texts - nice and light and that's it. Okay - dealt with. Well done me, I think.

BUT (of course there is a but!), I wake this morning to another text from Moonraker. He had a dream about me last night. I know! I know it sounds dodgy. I promise it was nothing rude! We exchanged a few amusing texts and then he asks if I am around for a catch up. Hmmmm.  I can see exactly where this is going. I'm actually pretty busy over the next few weeks and I'm not in his neck of the woods at all (he lives an hour away). I reply saying that. He comes back telling me he's in my area this weekend. Next thing I know we're getting something to eat this Saturday night coming.  Okay - so perhaps I should have put up more resistance but I do like him - of course I do and yes, I suppose my stupid ego has gotten in the way and I'm letting flattery affect my  decision.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not meeting up with him with any sort of agenda in mind. I do not want to get back together. I'm with Toyboy and I'm really happy about that. However, I do have to ask myself why do I think Moonraker wants to meet up so soon after the last time. It's only been two weeks since I saw him last. This is what I think. He's not only going to tell me he wants to get back together, just as he did last time, but this time he's going to do it with feeling.

Let me explain. The main reason I decided that I wasn't prepared to give it another go with him was because there was no passion when he was trying to convince me. It felt like he was going through the motions. When I asked him WHY he wanted to try again he said: 'I'd be an idiot if I didn't give it another go because we're so well matched, we get each other, you make me laugh, we work in the same industry, you're gorgeous etc. etc.'. There was no 'I can't live without you, I can't stop thinking about you, I want to be with you forever.' Where was the feeling? Where was the passion? Where was the raw emotion? It wasn't there.

The other key thing was when I asked if he would bring up Toyboy every time we hit a bump he said he would try not to. Try. Again, not good enough. I wanted him to fight for me but he wasn't prepared to do that. He said he couldn't profess his undying love for me but that he wanted to try again. It was all just too wishy washy.

I wonder - now that I'm the one holding all the cards (ha!- says the child within) has he decided that he does still love me and wants to tell me? I'm guessing that's exactly the way it's going to go down. I can't be sure but if I was gambling man...