I decided to say something to Moonraker ahead of us meeting up.
He ended up emailing me about a work related thing (we work in the same industry) and I took my chance to say.... it might sound OTT but I wanted to check, although we'd had a few texts recently, we were just meeting up as friends.
Yes, it was OTT he replied. Hmmm, not really if you ask me. Think that's more his bruised ego talking I think. I smoothed things over and it was all still on for Saturday. And when we met on Saturday - it was totally fine. I can't lie. Yes, I do still have feelings for him. No, I don't want us to get back together but I care about him a lot and.... well, I don't know. More than that I suppose but I've just not been acknowledging those feelings.
We had a couple of moments when we were talking about us and we remember some of the good times. I told him that my decision not to try again hadn't been easy and I'd really struggled with it. He said, 'Well, you always know where I am'.
However, I also found something out that I didn't know and to be honest, it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Moonraker revealed (after some probing from yours truly) that he went out with a girl throughout the whole of uni (I knew that part). He said the time they were together was brilliant., perfect. Stuff happened after uni and they split up. She begged him to take her back and he wouldn't. Six months later he realised he'd made a mistake but she didn't want to know. For the next two years he was heartbroken. He told me he's never really gotten over her and that he thinks she was the love of his life and that he's had his chance.
It might sound harsh that he told me this but he wasn't going to and it was me that asked him to open up.
I could talk about how sad it is that he thinks like that and how it seems that he can't let go but that's all about him and to be honest yes, I am upset for him but I'm a bit upset for me too. Sad that I don't think he ever really loved me and the whole time (not consciously) he was comparing us and me.
I was chatting to Toyboy last night and I told him that I'd met up with Moonraker. As I thought and hoped he would be, he was fine about it. That's what I love about him. He just takes things at face value. He asked what we talked about and I told him what I've just told all you. I didn't go into the details of how it made me feel. No need. And that was the end of it.
So I do think Moonraker and I will go on to be friends and I'd like that but I need to let things settle down a bit and make sure that Toyboy is my priority.