It's been two weeks since I last weighed in.
During that time I have eaten mostly, pretty horrifically and done very little exercise. I've been feeling pretty crappy about it but I've done a good job at blocked those feelings out. I've been so busy it's been pretty easy to do that.
I look at myself in the mirror and am really unhappy with what I see. I decide to get a grip but then disappoint myself when the motivation peters out before even a day has passed. I then get distracted with everything else screaming for my attention at the moment and the fact that overall I'm really happy at the moment and those feelings of dejection about my weight and size get pushed down, yet again.
I also feel like a bit of a failure. When I want to, when I am determined... I can do it. I can lose weight, exercise and feel great about myself. Why can't I do it again? If it bothers me that much, if being a stone lighter would make that much difference to me why can I not just get on with it? Is it really that hard? Well, yes, it is that hard or I wouldn't be writing this post. I've cracked it before though... I should be able to do it again. It's pathetic that I can't do it.
But these thoughts haven't been allowed to come to the fore. I've been ignoring them. However, the mind is a bloody sneaky thing at times and the other night, lying in bed and I started thinking. Dangerous, I know. All of a sudden a thought popped into my head. "If you're not careful when you get around to thinking about your weight, you're going to be pushing 14stone", I said to myself.
"It's your birthday in 3 weeks. Do you really want to feel like this when you should be feeling good about yourself? What are you playing at? You are going to end up losing the plot altogether and clawing back from that is going to be a long hard road. Do yourself a favour and stop dicking about."
So on Monday, I had a really healthy day. On Tuesday, again a healthy day, went to the gym and cycled around 6 miles (just getting around town). This morning, I weighed myself. In the past 14 days I've lost half a pound. Erm.... what? I do not get it. I was convinced I'd put on at least 3 or 4 pounds. I have no idea how this is happening.
The only constant throughout this time has been a single hard boiled egg for breakfast and using coconut oil for all my cooking. That can't be it, surely? Well, it doesn't really matter too much; this is where I am and I know where I could be and where I want to be if I took my own advice and stopped the bullshit.
I need to pay attention to what's going on and I need to take my head out of my not so minuscule backside. I owe it to myself to stop making excuses.
Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 185.25
pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total 2013 Weight
Loss: 5.5 pounds
I'm on a lifelong mission to ditch the lard. Stones away from my heaviest, I'm closing in on my pre-pregnancy weight. Next up, my wedding weight! Onwards!
I'm totally with you on that. If you (and me) really want it, we should just knuckle down for 6 months, lose the weight, feel great and aim to maintain. Sounds like it should be easy, but as you say it's not. It was my birthday last July that really disappointed me that I wasn't the weight I wanted to be . I must sort it out before this July!
ReplyDeleteIf knuckling down were easy then we would all be slender nymphs. The thing with healthy eating (I'll avoid the word diet), exercise etc. is there is a whole lot of mental crap tied up with it - which you obviously recognise. You WILL get there though - and it doesn't matter if you take a bit of a scenic route.
ReplyDeleteTo have achieved a loss anyway, when you weren't expecting to, is maybe indicative of more of the healthy mentality becoming habit than you yourself have realised (if you see what I mean) - and that's the holy grail.
Keep on keeping on.
Sx