Awwww....

Freak out!

I'm meeting Toyboy's parent's on Friday!






















Toyboy is an only child.
He is really close to his parents.
I am a 30 year old harlet that has corrupted their son

And most importantly what the hell am I going to wear?!

Weigh In. Number 2.

I forgot what it's like getting weighed in at Chubby Club. My heart was pounding and I was really nervous. Really nervous. I need to calm down and just remember that I'm doing all the right thing. There is nothing to stress out about. I'm following the plan and making the right choices and most importantly my head is in the right place.

This week, I lost 1lb. Now a loss is a loss and I know I lost 4lbs last week, making it 5lbs in two weeks but you know I'm all about the honesty on this here blog and the truth is, yes - I am a little disappointed. I've got fair bit to lose and I was hoping it would be a bit more.

However, I shall carry on. Historically this is where I lose the plot. I get a bit bored after a few weeks and let is all slide. This is my moment to knuckle down and keep on keeping on.

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 200 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 5 pounds

Scale Dread

So tonight is weigh in two.

And I don't wannaaaaaaaaaaa go! I don't feel like I've lost anything and I am dreading it. I have stuck to the plan and I don't feel like I deviated at all. There were a few things in there that I probably shouldn't have had (hello white bread and jelly bellies - not at the same time I might add) but I counted them all as syns. We're supposed to have between 5 and 15 a day. I'm averaging out at about 10 a day for the last week.

Oh yeah,  I also went to the gym last night for the first time in about five weeks. I do apologise if you saw me there. It was not a pretty sight. When I was there I 'just' did my usual workout - some resistance/squats etc and then 30mins full on cardio. Yeah, I just rattled through it. Yeah, right.

I've been pretty pleased that all year, no matter what weight I've been I've managed to crack out at least 10mins without stopping, at a 9km pace. Last night spat in the face of that claim. Got to just over 7 mins and I had to walk for a bit. Pulled it together and got through the rest of the work out and made my way to the showers. I thought I was going to vom right then and there in the cubicle. Didn't.

Will let you know how I get on. Humph.

Moonraker Meet Up

I decided to say something to Moonraker ahead of us meeting up.

He ended up emailing me about a work related thing (we work in the same industry) and I took my chance to say.... it might sound OTT but I wanted to check, although we'd had a few texts recently, we were just meeting up as friends.

Yes, it was OTT he replied. Hmmm, not really if you ask me. Think that's more his bruised ego talking I think. I smoothed things over and it was all still on for Saturday. And when we met on Saturday - it was totally fine. I can't lie. Yes, I do still have feelings for him. No, I don't want us to get back together but I care about him a lot and.... well, I don't know. More than that I suppose but I've just not been acknowledging those feelings.

We had a couple of moments when we were talking about us and we remember some of the good times. I told him that my decision not to try again hadn't been easy and I'd really struggled with it. He said, 'Well, you always know where I am'.

However, I also found something out that I didn't know and to be honest, it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Moonraker revealed (after some probing from yours truly) that he went out with a girl throughout the whole of uni (I knew that part). He said the time they were together was brilliant., perfect. Stuff happened after uni and they split up. She begged him to take her back and he wouldn't. Six months later he realised he'd made a mistake but she didn't want to know.  For the next two years he was heartbroken. He told me he's never really gotten over her and that he thinks she was the love of his life and that he's had his chance.

It might sound harsh that he told me this but he wasn't going to and it was me that asked him to open up.

I could talk about how sad it is that he thinks like that and how it seems that he can't let go but that's all about him and to be honest yes, I am upset for him but I'm a bit upset for me too. Sad that I don't think he ever really loved me and the whole time (not consciously) he was comparing us and me.

I was chatting to Toyboy last night and I told him that I'd met up with Moonraker. As I thought and hoped he would be, he was fine about it. That's what I love about him. He just takes things at face value. He asked what we talked about and I told him what I've just told all you. I didn't go into the details of how it made me feel. No need. And that was the end of it.

So I do think Moonraker and I will go on to be friends and I'd like that but I need to let things settle down a bit and make sure that Toyboy is my priority.

Weigh In. Number 1.

I'm calling this week's weigh in at *looks around furtively* Slimming World, weigh in one. Yeah, I was weighed in last week, on my very first week but wasn't after a week of following the plan, was it?

So I trotted along on Tuesday to the hall where myself and a pile of other chubby ladies have the pleasure of standing on some scales which make us feel either totally shit or completely amazing. I waited in line to get on the bloody things and I was nervous. My heart was pounding and I could barely keep my train of thought - which was, 'I better have lost at least a few pounds'. It was week one after all. I'm delighted to report that I lost 4lbs.

I'm extra pleased with that as not only did I do no exercise I was generally pretty sedentary. I'm aiming to get back into the gym this week, even if it is just once or twice so hopefully I can get another good loss next week. It's a tall order but I'd love it if I could lose 3lbs next week and make it a half stone. I'm going for it anyway and if I come anywhere close then happy days.

I also had more of a chance to assess my fellow syners this week as I wasn't doing mental somersaults with red days, green days, free and superfree foods and I think I might have been a bit quick to judge them. The majority of them are pretty normal people who can probably spell their own name (oooh - harsh?). It's just that there are certain characters that stand out who are.... well, maybe not the fizziest drink in the fridge.

I was going to tell Toyboy about being on a diet at the weekend as we spent a long weekend together but after the first day together I realised I didn't have to! We were eating out loads and I was just making the right choices and I thought 'I'm getting away with this - I don't need to tell him!'. Well, that was until Monday lunchtime when I offered the mozzarella to him from my chicken salad.

"Are you not eating dairy, or something", he asked.

Busted! I had no option but to come clean. I fessed up. I wasn't sure what he was going to say and to be honest I wasn't too worried. I wasn't looking for him to say 'why? You don't need to go on a diet' or for him to try and reassure me. I'm not doing this to please him. What he did say was, "Fair enough. If that's what you want to do then good luck."

I love that. No big discussion. No big stromash.

Mixed Messages?

Having second thoughts about meeting Moonraker on Saturday. I want to meet him but I have to ask myself why. Is it just for an ego boost? If so then it's an pretty dangerous way to get one. And as Zanna  wisely pointed out Toyboy might be more okay about it than Moonraker but that doesn't mean he'd be happy about it.

Because we've had a few texts back and forward, some of which have been instigated by me - I'm now wondering if he thinks the door is slightly ajar and is going to give it an almighty shove. I don't think he knows the chain lock is on.

I might text him and say something about Saturday being us catching up as friends.  Does that sounds totally OTT? Gah! Nothing is ever simple.

Hindsight & Foresight

A lot has happened over the past few weeks and I've had a chance to think about the choices I've made.

Toyboy is just brilliant and I am so pleased I decided to give us a chance. It's so easy to spend time with him and it just feels so comfortable - but at the same time exciting. I'm really relaxed about the age difference - not worried at all.

He's great because he teases me and winds me up (and I love that) and loves to make out that after 5 weeks together (since I first went to visit him) that he's got me whipped - but then he treats me, won't let me pay for anything, looks after me, drives 50 miles out of his way to pick me up late on a Friday night. He's also really tender and caring and the sex... Well, It's fantastic. And there is so much of it! To feel that wanted and desired is simply divine.

In addition to that - he's intelligent. He's not uber clever but he is definitely a smart cookie. I do think he's got the edge on me (not that I would admit that to him!) and just his logical and practical approach to things is... well, it sounds really sad  -but I love it! I find it incredibly attractive.

And how do I feel about Moonraker? Hmmm - I dunno. I do think about him quite a lot but not in a regretful way. I do think about what could have been, and about the family we could have been one day. I find that hard but I'm not pining for him. I called him the day after we met up after he dropped his bombshell. I thought it only fair that I let him know my decision.  We chatted for a bit and then I told him I was calling because I had done some thinking after we'd met the previous night and I thought we should just leave things as they were.

He thanked me for telling him. I explained that I didn't feel convinced that it was what he wanted and so I wasn't convinced it was right and that I was the one who would end up getting hurt again. He said he was convinced he wanted to try again. Not good enough. He then joked about spending the rest of the evening crying but then all of a sudden insisted he had to get off the phone. He sounded quite upset.

Hmmmm - so the shoe is on the other foot. I felt bad for him but part of me also is practical about the whole situation - a situation he brought it on himself. I was in an horrific state when he was dicking me about - and sadly that's the way it goes.

I texted him a few days later just saying hi and we had a couple of friendly messages back and forth. I was pleased. I wanted to make sure he was okay and that we were still okay  - okay as friends. On Friday just there a few more texts were exchanged - some friendly banter. All fine and dandy. Saturday night 1.30am. I'm on my way home from a night out with friends. Toyboy is with me (he'd just met all my friends that night and it had gone really well). I get a text from Moonraker. I angle the phone away from Toyboy so he can't see. I open up the text. 'Hey. Yes, I am drunk and yes it's a Saturday night. Just wanted to say hello! You okay?'

Shit. This is not good. He's on a boys weekend and his drunken thoughts are racing. Now that he can't have what he wants.... typical! I can't really keep my thoughts together but I don't think Toyboy notices. I don't reply. I'm not sending texts to my ex while I'm sitting next to my boyfriend - who I thinks is the bee's knees! 30 mins later another text from him arrives. 'Sorry, ignore that. Cringe'.  So he's realised that his text is pretty transparent. I still don't reply.

The next morning Toyboy is in the shower and I sent a text back. 'Sounds like the beer in Germany is strong stuff, you steamer.'  He replies. 'Sorry about that - bit embarrassed.' We send a few more texts - nice and light and that's it. Okay - dealt with. Well done me, I think.

BUT (of course there is a but!), I wake this morning to another text from Moonraker. He had a dream about me last night. I know! I know it sounds dodgy. I promise it was nothing rude! We exchanged a few amusing texts and then he asks if I am around for a catch up. Hmmmm.  I can see exactly where this is going. I'm actually pretty busy over the next few weeks and I'm not in his neck of the woods at all (he lives an hour away). I reply saying that. He comes back telling me he's in my area this weekend. Next thing I know we're getting something to eat this Saturday night coming.  Okay - so perhaps I should have put up more resistance but I do like him - of course I do and yes, I suppose my stupid ego has gotten in the way and I'm letting flattery affect my  decision.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not meeting up with him with any sort of agenda in mind. I do not want to get back together. I'm with Toyboy and I'm really happy about that. However, I do have to ask myself why do I think Moonraker wants to meet up so soon after the last time. It's only been two weeks since I saw him last. This is what I think. He's not only going to tell me he wants to get back together, just as he did last time, but this time he's going to do it with feeling.

Let me explain. The main reason I decided that I wasn't prepared to give it another go with him was because there was no passion when he was trying to convince me. It felt like he was going through the motions. When I asked him WHY he wanted to try again he said: 'I'd be an idiot if I didn't give it another go because we're so well matched, we get each other, you make me laugh, we work in the same industry, you're gorgeous etc. etc.'. There was no 'I can't live without you, I can't stop thinking about you, I want to be with you forever.' Where was the feeling? Where was the passion? Where was the raw emotion? It wasn't there.

The other key thing was when I asked if he would bring up Toyboy every time we hit a bump he said he would try not to. Try. Again, not good enough. I wanted him to fight for me but he wasn't prepared to do that. He said he couldn't profess his undying love for me but that he wanted to try again. It was all just too wishy washy.

I wonder - now that I'm the one holding all the cards (ha!- says the child within) has he decided that he does still love me and wants to tell me? I'm guessing that's exactly the way it's going to go down. I can't be sure but if I was gambling man...

The New Regime

It's day three of the new regime and I am slowly getting to grips with Slimming World's way of thinking. Well, I am getting to grips with extra easy days (there are also red and green days.)

From what I can work out they make you think that you can live the life of a very hungry Riley as you can eat unlimited veg and fruit - sounds fair enough. You're also allowed lean meat, fish, eggs and other similar thing. But get this you are also allowed to eat unlimited pasta. Yes, PASTA. I was agog. However, here is the kicker - you have to fill up 1/3 of your plate with superfree foods. What's a superfree food, I hear you ask. I'm glad you did. It's pretty much fruit and veg - but not root veg or nice things like avocado. I'd just like to take this moment in time to point out one avocado has 15 syns (yes, with a 'y' - it's for SYNergy dontcha know? - ugh. Helen, I feel your pain on this point. Mumpreneur, anyone? Sorry, I digress). How many syns are you allowed in one day? 15. Goodbye dear avocado.

I can now see how this works as by the time you pap a heap of fruit or veg on your plate there's only so much of the other stuff you can eat.

What is limited, but has to be included every day is milk or cheese and high fibre things like bread and crackers. I am a massive cracker snacker (ooh - rhymes) and this has hit me hard.

Anything else has to be counted as a syn. After a few hours into it all I realised.... no sugar. Yup, there is very little sugar on this diet. I love sugar. We've been FIRM friends for a long, long time and I miss it already. I think my banging headache last night might have been something to do with that too. Hmmmm.

So what have I been eating? Well, all manner of nice stuff. Just means I need to be organised  - which, of course I knew already. Duh.

Lunch. Salmon (cooked in foil in the oven), cous cous and salad)

Brekkie. Two types of melon, grapes and muller yogurt.

It's lovely food but I think my tummy is used to getting a lot. (putting away a large packet of Butterkist every other night up until Monday) and so I am still hungry at times but am just going nuts on the fruit. I#'ve also been saving my Syns as I need them for weekend boozing. I'm actually dying on a drink- roll on 6pm tonight.

I do still feel like the side of a house and I have visibly put on weight and getting dressed at the moment can be somewhat painful. However, today I have managed to pull together an outfit that I feel pretty good in so all in all - feeling pretty positive.

And on top of that Toyboy is coming down for the weekend till Monday! Now let's just hope my body plays ball and I don't get any monthly interruptions -okay TMI, but you know you get all the details here!

Have a fabulous weekend mes amies. x

Dust, anyone?

I've abstained for around 14 years but last night I gave in. I went to...  a slimming club.

I am so annoyed at myself. Slimming clubs are great for some people and offer the guidance and support that sees them have incredible results. I'm fiercely competitive and independent and I was all smug at the fact I'd lost almost 3 stone on my own and had gotten somewhat of a handle on my love handles.

Yeah, Love Cat - you lost that 3 stone about 5 years ago! Since that time you've put on a stone and then yo yo yo yo yo yo'd up and down the same stone and a half more times on top of that than Marjorie Dawes has offered her fat fighters some dust.

The truth is that I've lost my way I need a plan. My usual plan ain't working for me and so I need to swallow my pride and man up....

There are very few Slimming World classes near where I live but as luck would have it there is one just a few miles away. As I walked in to the building I suspected it would be just as I remembered  the classes were that I attended when I was 16. I wasn't wrong.

Before I go on to describe my experience let me just say, I like the diet (or healthy eating plan - whatevs). It's the people and the mentality I have issues with. And I will freely admit many of those issues come from the fact I am a bit of snob. There- I've said it. I have high standards and a low tolerance threshold - not the idea combo for putting up with some people. Well, most people.

I get a really warm welcome from the class leader, a chubby lady called Lucy. She shows me to the back of the class where there are another couple of new people. As we're filling out our forms another new member arrives called Sue. I take one glance at Sue - she's not the fizziest drink in the fridge by a long stretch of the imagination.

Sue is unable to register volume as whenever she speaks... well, she bellows. Sue has also forgotten her glasses and can't see the form to fill it in. Lucy has to ask her each bit of information one bit by one painstaking bit and fills it in for her.

Finally Lucy sits down with us and talks us through how it all works. I actually went to Slimming World when i was about 16 and so had rough idea of the drill - and my friend who goes to another class had let me read all through her stuff at the weekend. Lucy is maybe halfway through explaining what each bit of literature is about when Sue pipes up at a deafening level. "That's me problem - I just sit in the evening and it's crisps and chocolate and its me sun ah feel sorry for. You know".

What?! What the hell does that have to do with anything that Lucy is saying at this moment in time? Lucy is very good with her and chats with her for a moment about the fact eating in the evening can be a struggle for many. I could not care less- apart from the fact my ears are bleeding. Can we just get on with it, I think to myself and I'm sure my face says the same.

At the end of the explanation (which leaves me itching to get home so I can get my head around superfree foods, free foods, healthy extras, syns and all the rest of the malarkey).  We join the rest of the group who have all weighed in. There is an express weigh in so you can just weigh and go without waiting for the class. I can forsee this being my lifeline in the near future. However, for the moment I stay for the class.

Any slimming classes/clubs I've been to before involved the class leader facilitating discussion about why we put on weight, the struggles that we face etc. Sounds fine in theory but in practise I find it really patronising. I recall one occasion where we were going through the alphabet naming an feeling or emotion that would hinder our efforts to lose weight. I was 15 at the time and for the letter A I put forward 'apathetic' as my suggestion. In return I got a blank stare. The class leader didn't understand the word.

And that is what I find in all slimming classes I have ever been to - the level of intelligence is below average. it may well be that it's just the area where I come from. I can't speak for anyone else's classes or for any other area but in my experience that's the deal. Of course, there are few people who seem relatively 'normal' but they are most definitely in the minority.

So the class itself. Could you call it a class? Lucy went around each member announcing their loss or gain that week and infront of the whole class tells chats about why they had a good week or what went wrong. Hmmmm - how shall I put this. I don't care. I am not remotely interested in anyone else. I do not care about your lame excuse and if I ever put on there is no way, no how I will be hanging around to talk about it.


Okay - so I've bleated on about the downside of the classes and barely even mentioned the actual eating plan. I'm still getting my head around it so bear with me while I get to grips.

And let's not talk about what weight I am. NOT. COOL.

This Just In

Okay - it's maybe not JUST in, but I feel like I've suddenly realised just how massive the size of my backside is.... and my things, boobs, arms, back fat wedges. You get the picture. The big fat picture.

I'm in a bad way. A really bad way. I've really packed on the pounds and am now only around a stone away from my heaviest weight ever. At one point I was almost 3 stone away from that dark and frankly miserable place.

I'm not going to bleat on about how crap I feel, how none of my clothes fit and I generally am disgusted with myself (there's plenty of posts to come about that - boom boom). What I will tell you is that something needs to happen. I need something that's going to give me a kick up the arse and get me in the right headspace and so.... after much thought I've decided to do something I never thought I would consider (having dabbled when I was around 16) again.

Okay, here it is. On Tuesday I'm going to..... Slimming World. There, I've said it. I'm not happy with  this decision. This is something that I hope will change.

I've been inspired by the incredible Helen over at Clear Your Heart. This little lady has lost an impressive 4.5 stone this year. Get your head around those numbers. A friend of mine has also had success and I just feel that I have to do SOMETHING.

Crunch Time

Great advice from everyone - as per usual. Do you think we should form some sort of collective life coaching circle? Well, I suppose that's what blogging is a lot of the time.

This is just a quickie as I'm running out the door but I wanted to let you know the score.

So, I met Moonraker last night as planned. I was so nervous before he arrived. I felt so sick and edgy. I was meeting him in a bar where I had been working using their wifi for a few hours (I was on my laptop doing my own work - not behind the bar!). The seat I was sitting on was covered in that faux leather, plastic material stuff and I was totally sweating! Okay - too much info but you get the gist, I was far from relaxed.

Anyway- he arrived and we got food. And talked. And talked. And unexpectedly, I came to a decision. I honestly didn't think I would, certainly not last night, but Moonraker said a few things that got me thinking and it kind of just... fell into place.
 
I need to tell you what he said that made me come to this conclusion. And the conclusion... is that I've just booked flights for ToyBoy and my long weekend away. So long Moonraker.  

Traingular Walls Are Closing In

Moonraker has made contact. We're meeting tomorrow after work for an indepth chat.

My head is spinning. The advice you all have given me is bang on the money and, if I were single the truth is I would be aiming for a reconciliation and taking all your points on board. I mean, he really needs to prove himself. Prove that he knows how badly he fucked up.

Something is niggling me though - and this is it.... We just spoke on the phone and he said that if he had known I was seeing someone else then he wouldn't have said anything because it's put me in a difficult situation and he feels bad for that. Hmmmm - bit too laid back if you ask me. I told him (in a very period drama kind of dramatic way) that if you think there is even a chance you can get something you want then you have to have the courage of your convictions and to fight for it.

We only scratched the surface (miaow!) as we're going to get into the nitty gritty tomorrow and like some sort of psycho I am writing a list of questions for him. Wanna see?

• Why do you think you looked for things that were wrong with the relationship
• What reasons did you give your friends for ending it?
• What changed your mind – made you want to try again?
•  It took you ages to split up with your ex even though you knew deep down you wanted to. Why were you able to so easily end it with me – so quickly?
•  What makes you think you’re not going to do the same thing again? What’s changed?
•  I’ve got a lot of male friends that I text, joke on with – are you going to be okay with that?
• If we did give it another go how do you feel about the fact I’ve been seeing someone else? Are you going to have a hard time with that? Are you going to bring it up if you’re annoyed about something?
•  Do you think you really want to try again? You said if you’d known I was seeing someone else then you wouldn’t have said anything. If you’re not willing to pull out the stops to get me back then do you really want it?
•  Sex, do you think we can begin to create a situation that wasn’t there in the first place? One where we feel connected and relaxed and confident?

·    What do you think? Anything else I should add?

And then there is ToyBoy. Lovely, lovely ToyBoy. He called just after I spoke to Moonraker. He's such a brilliant person. He even made a joke tonight, about us moving in together! Yeah, do not fancy living in his city one bit. And he's making all these plans for our long weekend away abroad. I'm paying for the flights and he's paying for the hotel. At first I thought, great - cause if we don't go I'll lose money for the flights and the hotel will maybe be a deposit at most. But no - that would be far too simple! He's booking through some agency place with whom he has to pay up front! Gah! And he's all like "You booked the flights yet?' and counting how many weekends it is till we go. Gaaaaaaaah! I'd normally kill for a guy like this but I'm freaking out about it.

AND I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow which I will probably HATE. Oh and did I mention I'm the size of a HOUSE!?