Times they are a changing

Another super busy weekend but one that was good fun and dieting wise, could have been a lot worse.

Friday night was a healthy night at my folk's and in bed for 11pm. Lovely. Saturday morning Mum and I baked side by side as we prepared for my nephew's first birthday party. I made cheese straws and caramel pie. The pie might look the biz but it was the cheese straws that got the rave reviews.

At the party I ate quite well from the buffet (i.e. healthily) but then I did have a small slice of the pie and a small meringue with cream. Not great at all. However, I ate was nothing else after that until 9pm when I had some stovies at the ceilidh we were at (could I be any more Scottish?).

Sunday was a pretty lazy day as we were both pretty hungover but we did manage to clear a load of boxes from our front room and took them to the tip, and we finally hung a gorgeous piece of artwork we got as a wedding present.

TB loves a subway when he's feeling worse for wear but while he got in about a foot long number I had some soup with some brown bread and cold meat. I also made a delicious, healthy, thai noodle bowl for dinner. In your face takeway. Yeah, sure there was a little bit of chocolate consumption too but I also made banana ice cream  - from nowt but.... bananas!

The upshot of all this is that there is a much more positive frame of mind in action here. This has carried me into the week with a swift kick up the arse. There was a PT session and also the healthiest, most moderate day I can remember in a long LONG time. 

Weigh in

After yesterday's epic post, I'm gonna keep this short and sweet.

• Total After Eight consumption last night was around 8. I ate them and I didn't even really want them. 
• This morning the scales read 12stone 9.75. Interesting! I cannot tell you how pleased I was to see a 9 after the 12 stone. I know it's only a quarter of a pound/three quarters of a pound (who the hell knows) less that last week but there is something about a 9 that, to me, seems WAY less than a 10. I feel like I'm so much closer to getting back to 12 stone. And it's a loss - two weeks in a row.
• I've been to the gym today and generally felt pretty god damn positive. So positive in fact, this happened.

 

• My goal for next week is to lose a pound. I want to see 12 stone 8something. I feel the teeny tiniest glimmer of excitement thinking about that. 
• I think lovely Zanna summed it up perfectly in her comment when she said "keep on trying and eventually the penny will drop, the peg will fit in the hole or whatever and you'll be off screaming like a banshee!".

I decide

I don't need to preface this blog with the information that I'm struggling, do I?

Well, I suppose I just have.

The thing is, I've not exactly lost the plot. It's more that the narrative has become confused.

I'm making healthy meals, I'm exercising regularly. That's good. In fact, that's great. It's more that a lot of people do. But I'm also eating a chocolate bar (or three) every other day. I'm snacking on crackers and cold meat before I eat said healthy meal. I'm eating four mini doughnuts that someone has brought into the office.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning and I have to face the reality that I'm probably going to have edged up the way. I'm in serious danger of getting back into the 13s. Actually typing that out loud has make my stomach turn. I've been 'getting away' with burying my head in the sand but sooner or later it's going to catch up with me.

My mum and I talk about our diets ALL THE TIME. It might sound boring/obsessive/sad to everyone else but we are each other's support system and it must be working in some (pear) shape or form as we are both a lot thinner than we used to be. We're both stones lighter. I am fully supporting her as she loses pound after pound for eight weeks solid. She has backed off trying to cajole me at the moment as she knows I do not want to be nagged and that I'm not in the right headspace just now.

Last night I was back at the folk's for the night and I know, boy do I know, that I need to do something about it - and so we started talking. Mum was coming up with all sort of suggestions - things that will kick that kick up the bum to get going again. Signing up for a race, joining a slimming club (purely for weigh in purposes), asking a friend to do a weekly weigh in - were all put forward. I don't want to do any of those things. They do not even give me a glimmer of... I don't know what, excitement, motivation?

When I get going, and I've got going many times over the years, its come from me. It comes from within. I do it because I have decided. Yes, there are things along the way (personal trainers for example) but those things don't just make it happen. A person trainer worked for me because I put the hard work in. They suggested a routine - I did it and more. I said I was going to run a 10k before the wedding. I did that because I said I was going to. I decide.

I need to find it within me to decide again. I know I've got it in me. Of course I bloody do. I am the freaking master of deciding and more importantly getting it done. You want something done - you ask me. I've got pretty high standards and I expect a lot - and that goes for me too. Stop moaning - get your head down and get the fuck on with it. You don't like something? Then change it - it's up to you. If you've not done it by now that's probably because it's hard. Of course it's hard - that's life.

I feel part of my stumbling block this time around is because in spite of feeling a bit out of control, I feel pretty good about myself. If I was to be this size for the rest of my life, I can think of much worse things. I need to focus on the control thing, as that's what really bothering me. I'm constantly on the back foot at the moment. Reacting. Do not like. I am also constantly hungry and who likes that?!

If you've made it this far - congratulations! I didn't mean for this to be such a lengthy post and now I don't really know where I'm going with it. I've talked about what I want to do, what I'm capable of but how does that intertwine with reality? Facts, I suppose....

Yesterday turned out to be a very good dieting day, under the watchful eye of my mother and today has the potential to be even better. I'm on the train on the way home from various meetings. I'm going to stop off at the supermarket on the way home to grab something for dinner. I'll then have half an hour at home before TB gets in. That is a very dangerous 30 minutes; there's an open box of After 8s hidden at the back of one of the cupboards.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Weigh in

I think I might have lost half a pound.

I got up at 6.50am and weighed myself. 12stone 11lbs. No change from last week. A few texts back and forth with my PT and we decided to postpone until today as it was pissing it down. I went back to bed for an hour and a half (why the hell not?) and weighed myself when I got up again. 12 stone 10lbs. A loss of a pound.

Hmmm. Okay, so it's a bit all over the place but this is what I am taking from it. I had a terrible weekend. I didn't binge but I made quite a few bad choices. Other than that, I had a pretty good week (let's not talk about the nutella) and worked out 4 times.

• PT session
• 5k run
• 8k run
• 5k run

The upshot of all this is that I pretty much stayed the same - and I think that's deserved.

So what's the plan for this week... Well, yesterday I didn't do ANY exercise at all. That's the first Thursday in a long time that's happened - I did have a really good food day though. It was chucking it down again this morning and so I put my PT off, again. I'm just over working out in the rain. This all sounds like I've given up BUT... I have just been to the gym had a really good workout.

As soon as I exercise, I feel so much more motivated and good about myself. Why do I never remember this?

I've been looking through our wedding photos as I put them up on FB last night and oh lordy, I look so thin! My sensible head is telling me I really don't look much different to those pics. If I could just get my act together I could be back there. I almost wrote 'easily'. I could easily be back there. That's not going to happen. It's not going to be easy. But if I get in the groove - and oh boy, can I groove - then why can't it happen? 11lbs is not Mount Everest.

Right, where are my crampons.

Every day is a new day.

That's my mantra right now. Every day is a new day.

My last post was pretty negative and while everything in it was true, I didn't like reading it back as I don't like vibe it was giving off. I am an extremely intolerant person, with high standards and sympathy for only those that really deserve it. That makes me sound pretty harsh! That's it in a very black and white way. However, I am also incredibly positive - and there are other nice things about me. Well, one or two. If you look really hard! Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that things diet-wise are not going my way right now, but I need to keep my chin(s) up and keep on keeping on. Every day is a new day.

So last week went down like this. Thursday and Friday were good days. I ate pretty well, worked out with my PT and had my best 5k run in about 6 weeks. Good work. After that though, it kinda went downhill. I was away for the weekend and quite simply, I made bad choices. It also didn't help that I was running a cooking activity, making fried haggis balls (with a mustard cream sauce) all weekend. Many of which made their way into my gob.

Monday, was another new day. And as days went it was pretty bloody good. Healthy food all round and I ran 5 miles without stopping - in 50mins. That's the first time I've done that in months. And I felt great. The only misdemeanour was the three heavily loaded teaspoons of nutella. Whoops.

Yeah, we have a nutella situation. Correction, we had a nutella situation. The jar, which was opened last week, has been consistently calling my name, tempting me with the suggestion of a heaped teaspoon or four, every day. And like a sugar crazed chubster, I have obliged. Well, last night I scraped that bad boy clean - nutella be gone (albeit down my throat) and then went on a 5.5km run. Gotta take the ying with the yang.

Today's plan is fruit and fibre for brekkie, leftover moroccan chicken for lunch, beef thai green noodle bowl for dinner and snacks of fruit, yogurt and half a nakd bar.

I shall be weighing in tomorrow. Who knows how the hell that will go.

Weigh in

Big breath. Or maybe it's more of a sigh. Yeah, I think it's a sigh.

Before you read any further, I should reveal I'm not in a positive frame of mind right now. The slinkiest of our two young boys is currently at the vets with a broken back leg. We came home from work last night to find him like that. We think he's been hit by something, probably a car. The vet's just called to say he needs to be referred to a specialist and the bill is going to be around £2000. It's that or amputation. At just over a year old, amputation doesn't seem fair. Before you ask if we've got insurance, don't.

I don't want to say any more about than that for now.

What I really need to talk about is my weight. I don't want to talk about it, hence the lack of posts,  but I know I need to get my shit together. Here's where things are at. I'm 11lbs heavier than I was on my wedding day. It's gone like this.

Wedding:                        11stone 13.75
Home from honeymoon:  12 stone 10.5
Pre camp:                       12 stone 5.5
Home from camp:           12stone 10.5
A week later:                  12stone 11
A week later:                  12 stone 10.75
Today:                            12 stone 11lbs

You get the gist. I'm pretty much dicking about, good style.

Once we got home from camp I really struggled to get it together for even one day before buckling and eating a whole load of whatever took my fancy. You know that feeling when you think, "Just one day. Please let me get through one day of eating the right things. That's what I need to get me started; 24 sodding hours."

Well, finally last week I managed those 24 hours. Yes! "This is it", I thought. "Here we go. Time to get into the single figures in the 12s. I am on it!" And so for the rest of the week I was feeling positive. I had a double workout on Thursday, I ran on Friday and I feel like I made good choices all week. I got on the scales this morning and there it was - a gain. Sure it was a gain on 0.25lbs, so pretty much a stay the same, but it's not what I was expecting.

I just feel so despondent about the whole thing. The thought of mustering the energy to dig deep to find some motivation is exhausting in itself. There is a whole load of ambivalence I feel about it all - and have done for weeks. And that is manifesting itself in my actions. When I was complaining to TB that I'd put on weight this week which I didn't think was fair, he then very easily listed quite a few things I'd had which weren't 'good'. A whole M&S pizza for tea, half a bag of percy pigs, a couple of creamy cocktails. Hmmm. So I'm kidding myself on. I'm not really 'doing it'.

I can't really articulate why this makes it worse, but my mum is losing weight like a demon and TB is back on his lots of small meals, healthy eating plan and will no doubt start dropping the pounds too. They are both going to slim down and I'm just fannying about here feeling pissed off with myself, but totally unmotivated.

Life moves pretty fast

I feel like I've blinked and a month has gone past.  Where is the pause button?!

I've had such a good time over the past four weeks, two of which were spent in a field with some of the most important people in my life - and it's the field where I met TB four years ago. That was our beginning. We're living our now and it's pretty bloody amazing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Weigh in

I woke up on Saturday feeling thin. Well, thinner.

I had a great couple days and then Friday night was a delicious and healthy thai meal followed by rather a lot of gin. And some red wine. So I think it's safe to say I was pretty dehydrated. This meant when it came to weighing I definitely was at peak lightness and I was highly confident of some sort of a loss.

I got on the scales. 12 stone 4.75lbs. Well my goodness - 2.5lbs off! Bloody hell! I have been working hard so I feel a loss is deserved but that is better than I could have hoped for. Numbers aside (as they can't really be trusted) I am definitely feeling thinner in my clothes. I had my usual jeans on on Saturday and I can feel a difference, without a doubt. Yippeee!

So it's onwards for another five days until my final weigh before we go away.

Current Weight: 12 stone 4.75lbs
Loss: 2.5
Total loss: 5.5lbs

Protein Ice Cream Bites

It's been months since I did a double dunt. Two workouts in one day used to be a normal Thursday for me and yesterday,  the power of two was realised once more.

I was down at the football pitch at 7am raring to go with my personal trainer (with a green smoothie I made him - what a kiss-ass) and we had an hour of press ups, jumping squats, split squats, jumping jack, hill climbers and the like interspersed with running. It was a flipping glorious morning and so I was feeling pretty boyant by the time it was 8am and it was home time.

Then at 12.25, after a lunch of one egg and extra egg white omelette with pesto tuna, I biked along the gym and cracked out a spinning class. After that I cycled to the supermarket, bought way more than I could fit in my bag and wobbled home on my two weeks with brown rolls and diluting juice threatening to fall out my bag.

In between this, as well as working (oh lordy I have a lot on just now) I made some delicious protein coconut banana ice-cream bites.

In the food processor I blasted some coconut milk, frozen banana, vanilla protein powder and a little squeeze of nagave nectar. I then just poured the mix into an icecube tray and popped it in the freezer. Now I have delicious ice cream bites ready for muching on. Yum!

What the actual...

Yesterday was a great day food wise.

• Fruit and Fibre for brekkie
• Snacks of fruit (nectarine, two tiny plums, banana with a tablespoon of peanut butter)
• Egg white omelette with aubergine and pesto tuna for lunch
• Snack of 2 breadsticks dunked in some low fat chickpea dip thingy and a slice of ham
• Sweet potato with my own low fat chilli for dinner

How good is that? I shall tell you how good - amazing. Flipping amazing. After dinner, TB had to dive off for the night (cycling 50km in the process!). The minute he left I went to the cupboard, got out a large bar of chocolate and ate the whole lot in one go. About an hour later I ate a slice of bread with butter and jam.

WTF? WHAT?  What is wrong with me? I am wearing my fitbit like my life depends on it - even taking it to the bathroom with me in the morning on my way to have a shower so I don't miss a step (little bit OCD) - and then I mindlessly shove a load of crap in my face. I am so annoyed with myself. Why am I being such an  bloody idiot. 

PS) last entry I talked about holding the plank for 3 seconds. That should have been 30. You must have wondered what the hell I was moaning about. Haha! Oooh, 3 seconds - it just never seems to end!

Weigh in

So Saturday rolled around and after three days of quite frankly, kicking arse, it was scale time.

12 stone 7.25 - a loss of 2.75lbs, athankyouverymuch. I'm really chuffed with that. I suspect my weight three days previous had been badly affected by the junk I ate in the few days before and so it wasn't a 'real' weight, but whatever - I am just happy to be half a stone away from ww, rather than 10lbs. 10lbs seems like a huge jump up.

Saturday was quite a lazy day despite picking 7kg of strawberries which I then turned into 45 jars of jam on Sunday. Four years ago I decided to take on the family jam making as my Granny who used to do it (and marmalade) died about six years ago. It's kind of in her honour and who doesn't love homemade jam.

On Sunday we also decided to for a cycle and some lunch. We live right on the coast and decided to cycle to a beach side diner 10 miles away - up a massive bloody hill. 20 miles, and lunch later we made it to the next town and jumped on the train home. I was actually really pleased we ended up doing a longer route as I felt like I picked at bread, a packet of crisps and chocolate on Saturday night. So at least some extra calories were burned off.

Yesterday I did my new gym programme in the back garden and then nipped out for half an hour of interval training (2 mins slow running/2 mins fast). The gym stuff is all weights. We're talking dumbbell step ups, lunges while holding a weight above your head, single arm rows, and the dreaded plank. My elbows are ruined from mat and grass burns as I try and hold a side plank for 3 seconds, rotate into a normal plank - and then into the other side plank.

When I headed out for my run I was dreading it. Since just before the wedding I feel like I've not really been able to get into a routine - it's just the way life has been. This has meant the time between runs has been all over the shop and so it seems like a massive deal when I am going to go for one and I think it
it's going to be painful as I struggle round my route.

Yesterday I just got on with it. What else are you gonna do? The first few minutes where not enjoyable. But the longer I ran, the stronger I felt. My route took my to the bike shop (did I mention I got a puncture a mile from home on Sunday?) and by the time I had cycled back home, I felt like I could take on the world. I wish I could bottle that feeling.

Then last night I delved into my new baking book; from the Hummingbird Bakery. I can bake a bloody delicious cake but I almost always use the same sponge recipe so I've set myself the challenge of baking every recipe from this book. First up, Banana Boston Cream Cake. I had to make a custard from scratch for the filling, which was a first for me - but it turned out beautifully. I think my edging needs to be tidied up a bit but that's not going to affect the taste!

I can't lie, I did lick at the ganache and there was a tiny bit of cake stuck to the bottom of the tin, that I may have smothered in ganache and scarfed. Oops. I've brought the whole entire cake into the office though - where it shall be devoured by hungry workers.

 

Current Weight: 12 stone 7.25lbs
Loss: 2.75
Total loss: 3.5lbs

Weigh in

WOLF! WOLF!

You've guessed it my three days of being fantastic food wise did not happen. I won't bore you with the details and excuses (much of which involved cream and meringue). I will however, bore you with my new plan. I'm actually laughing when I type 'new plan'. There is sweet fanny adams that is new about it. It's a plan though and without a plan, I am nothing.

I know it seems like I am on repeat here but if I don't keep trying, then I'll never succeed. And I bloody love to succeed.

Here is the skinny (no flipping pun intended). I go away for two weeks, two weeks on Saturday. I weighed myself yesterday morning with intent of having three STONKING days and weighing myself again on Saturday. I know, not like me to have such a small weigh in window but it's happening people. I will then have two full weeks until I go. If I had waited until Saturday I know I would have continued to mess around and kid myself on.

So I weighed and as expected the numbers were far from good. 12 stone 10lbs. A quarter of a pound more and I would be back to my post honeymoon weight. WTF? For god sake. What a waste of a month. I am annoyed at myself. Really annoyed. It's done though and time to look forward.

Yesterday was an excellent food day. Green smoothie for breakfast, tuna salad for lunch, aubergine and chicken one pot meal with bulgar wheat for tea.  Snacks were cold meat, a peanut butter protein ball I made (more on that later) and fruit. I also played racket ball for an hour - which helped me totally smash my step count.

Yeah, that's right - I said step count. Did I not mention I got a fit bit? I'm surprised as I have been boring everyone else with it! Yup, I decided to go ahead and get myself one of these super duper pedometers. I love a stat and pouring over graphs that compare my step count/distance covered and calories burned gives me quite the thrill! I also wanted to get it as it feels like I do a LOT of walking when I go to camp. I'm talking about four miles on a quiet day. So, I thought I'd get it before then so I've got some 'normal' data to compare it to. Let me know if you have one and want to be on each others' friends list!

Right, I better scoot. I'm cycling along to spinning at the gym.

Current Weight: 12 stone 10lbs