Focus on the positive

Lovely comments from yesterday. Thank you.

It's not like me to feel down at all and I'll bounce back soon enough. I'm not really that down - that sounds a bit dramatic. I just feel there are a few things going on that involve more brainpower and emotional investment than I have right now.

Everything will be okay though, one way or another. I just need to make sure I don't let myself spiral out of control when thinking about certain things. One thing I can think about in a positive way though, is being healthy.

That being said, yesterday didn't end up being that great, My friend came over for dinner and although my homemade fish pie was choc full of veg and was incredibly healthy, the mini tub of ice cream, the two gin and slims, and the handful of crisps- were not. Neither were the chicken bites I ate that TB brought me home when he got in at 11pm after working late.

So really not ideal but it wasn't entirely horrific - it wasn't an almighty calorie-fest and I still have six days ahead of me to make a difference. I'm going to the gym tonight. And unlike Tuesday, this time - I am actually going. I'm going to crack out my workout then dive home to see TB. We've been like ships in the night this week and I could do with some one on one time.

Weigh in

1.5lbs off. It's a solid loss and I'll quite happily take it.

That doesn't stop me hoping it was a little more though. I put in a LOT of effort. I really dug deep and  feel like I deserve a little more.

I know I shouldn't compare it to anyone else but I hear/read about girls who slipped up a little on their diets and are all "I'll definitely have gained' and then they go on to lose 1.5lbs and more. It pisses me off. Not them losing, but me not losing more. I know it's all going in the right direction blah blah blah...

I suppose I just want to get half a stone off now. Normally in the first two  or three weeks of a diet I can break the back of half a stone. I want progress and I want it now!

I need to remember that this really is just week one; the first proper week that I've not faffed about. If I can lose 2lbs and 1.5lbs in the next two weeks, then I'm still on track.

I'm also feeling a bit pissed off. About what I don't really know. All of a sudden, last night I felt really teary and down - for no real reason. I suppose there are lots of things that are on my mind and it's starting to manifest.

• I'm royally pissed off about my weight just now
• I'm worried about my CrossFit class on Sunday.
• A family friend, an old lady, died this week
• I'm worried about time slipping past and what that means for me and TB.
• I got knocked back for a job - and I fully expected to at least get an interview
• Someone very close to me will hear the results of hospital tests tomorrow. I'm on the verge of tears even thinking about it.

Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 188.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.75 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 2.25 pounds

Slippery chocolate streets

There may or may not have been a small Quality Street incident last night.

Somehow 10 of the buggers managed to be ingested - which was then followed up with a couple of handfuls of nachos. Not really sure what happened. I was sitting around with a coffee and a couple of friends. The next thing I know, there is a massive tin of sweeties in front of me and I am dipping in, good style. And after all my gloating yesterday about how I was back in the zone. Pride before a fall, I suppose.

But these things happen and everything is back on track. Mistakes like that don't ruin a week's worth of hard work - but letting it spiral out of control, does.

It's also yet another wet and grey day but I'm still going to trudge along to the gym. I really cannot be bothered. My legs are aching, I'm tired and I just feel a bit.... blah. I'll do it though. It's weigh in tomorrow and here's hoping I see a loss to inspire.

Found, one dieting groove (well used)

Pow, pow and POW! I am on fire!

No false modesty here... I am kicking arse and have been since weigh in last week. I don't know how I've done it, but my god - I have. I managed to have an excellent Wednesday and I also went to the gym. On Thursday I drove straight from work to my folks', 2.5 hours away. I got there, was fed a super healthy tea and that was another fantastic day in the bag.

I also had a chance to have a motivational chat/gee-ing up session with mater dearest while I was there - prepping me for the days ahead. Which have also been so so good!

Friday was insanely good during the day and then slightly more relaxed in the evening. We were at a black tie do and the wine on the table was free - pretty hard to say no to that when the other option is to pay almost £5 for a spirit and mixer. I also started to eat a pudding but half way through I decided it wasn't worth it and threw a napkin over it.

TB went away from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday late afternoon and in that time I...

• Bought and prepped all the fruit to make marmalade
• Had super healthy, small portioned meals for every meal
• Met a new friend for coffee
• Tidied, cleaned and hoovered the living room
• Read my book
• Went out for a run
• Made marmalade (20 jars)
• Planned my meals for the week and shopped accordingly
• Steam cleaned the kitchen floors
• Watched the Biggest Loser season 14
• Made a Sunday roast (chicken)
• Changed the bed
• Made soup

I just have to make it through two more days and I am ready for weigh in. Today  has been sterling so far. I'm home for a quick tea and them out for the night. Tomorrow - it's gym time and then keep mouth shut till Wednesday weigh in time.

Words with mother

I'm off to my parent's tonight. I got this text from my mum this morning...

Hope you kept the faith last night. Super day coming up to slide us into an extraordinary weekend. See you tonight for a delicious nutritious morsel. xx

Off. her. head.

Weigh in

I might as well cut and paste one of my two weigh in posts from this year as the main points are ALL THE FREAKING SAME.

• I am disappointed with my weigh in
• I don't really deserve to have lost any more weight than 0.75lbs
• I am sick of fannying around
• I need to stop bleating on about what I need to do and just bloody well do it
• This time I am going to do it
• No more false starts

Yes, here I am again, trying to gee myself into some sort of motivated state. I don't know why I can't seem to get it together. I am now back at exactly the same weight I was on January 3rd. What amazing progress!

I'm not going to over egg the pudding and lay on the hyperbole; here are the facts. I need to get my head down and man up. I'm simply not making enough good choices and that has to stop. I went to the gym three times last week. I am going to go again three times this week. Apart from a dinner dance on Friday - there is no reason for me to not have a spectacular week, and I just have to view that as a challenge to be tackled.

Starting Weight: 190.75 pounds
Current Weight: 190 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.75 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 0.75 pounds

Choose life

I'm here! I am alive! I might be doing a cracking impression of a 94 year old lady with rickets, who has been set about the thighs with a metal bar - but I am here!

CrossFit on Saturday was pretty damn good. At the time, it was pretty damn good. It's the subsequent pain that has been a little... irritating. You know, getting out of bed, sitting down, walking down stairs - all those those things now come with a massive portion of oh my god that huuuuuuurts.

I was pretty nervous before I got to the class on Saturday morning. I got there in plenty of time and headed towards the black... lock up (is the best way to describe it) - with music blaring out the thin walls. Standing just inside the door were around 10 other people looking equally as awkward. We all stood looking on as people lifted some bad ass weights, did hand stands and generally just looked insanely fit. Jesus. CHRIST. This was pretty much the scene.

Soon they all filtered out and the two guys who own and run the place welcomed us and explained what CrossFit was about. I'm still not sure to be honest. From what I could take in (I was still pretty nervous) it's about improving all areas your fitness and progressing at a level that pushes each individual. 

We soon warmed up on the rower and doing dynamic lunges. Okay  - so far so good. We then were shown how to do an air squat (i.e. without any weights). I have squatted a freaking shitload in my time. I have bodypumped till the cows came home and my workouts pretty much always feature squats- but never like this.  The whole time the guys were very patient, friendly and encouraging - so nice. Lots of jokes to put us at ease.

 

You see this girl... look how low she is going. Her backside is much lower than her knees. Her back is as straight upright as it possible. That is what we had to learn. Don't be fooled by little miss' smile in that picture. She is clearly deranged. Is it hard. Things were pinging in pain that I did not expect - hello odd mid back niggle that I have never felt before! And this was without any weights.

We also went over strengthening exercises for this squat. Thighs were hurting.






It was then time for the kettlebell demonstration. Again, it was all about technique. The guys were really good at making sure we were executing the swing correctly. This wasn't as painful as the lunges - thank GAWD but ooh lordy - my heart rate rocketed. We were nearing the end of the session and it was time for a quick Workout of the Day or WOD as it's called. This is the mainstay of CrossFit. There is a different WOD each day. Sometimes it's for time (completed as fast as possible) and sometimes it's 3/4/5 rounds. Today it was for time.

In pairs we had to row 300m each,  complete 100 squats between us (10 for you, 10 for me), 100 kettlebell swings between us and then another 300m rowing each to finish. It sounds simple. I think it actually sounds not too hard. WRONG. I pretty much ran out of steam with  150 metres of rowing left. Totally knackering.

I left the gym feeling pretty good. My legs were wobbling and my heart was pounding but I felt pretty pleased with myself - until I woke up the next day. Agony. My legs were agony. Even pressing lightly on the front of my thigh was like a steel rod being driven into my leg. I manage to shuffle around the flat but when it came to going down the stairs - ha! I would have been left for dust by my 83 year old Granny. I honestly do not think my muscles have been that sore since I went to my very first bodypump class in 2001 (crap, that was 12 years ago!).

So what do I think... Is CrossFit for me. Am I willing to make the time to fit it into my life? Am I going to commit? To even begin training properly I need to complete a introductory course - 3 weekends in a row, 2 hours each time. That's a lotta weekend time for someone who is rarely around at weekends. And I'm so unfit right now! The thought of going along and training alongside people who are properly fit, fills me with dread. I am actually scared about it - and there's not much I've ever said that about.

Of course, I've signed up for it. Game on.

CrossFit baby steps

Tomorrow I am going to spend an hour in a world of pain. A very embarrassing world of pain.
For tomorrow, my dear readers, I am going along to a taster session of CrossFit. You may very well have heard of CrossFit but for those who haven't... well, I'm not too sure how to explain it as I'm not really sure myself what it is.

In my mind I've got this idea that it's workout 'programme' which is loosely like circuits and involves weights, squats, box jumping and all other manners of exercise. I think this post really sums it up well - and it's a pretty cool blog too.

So it's not just about the exercise, it's all about the positivity and the community environment. And possibly most importantly for me, it's about a routine combined with constant competition with no-one else but myself.

Since my failed 10k training, when my hip began hurting after 4 weeks of running three times a week, I've done bugger all exercise. Who knew that a couple of spin classes over a 3 month period really does nothing for your fitness levels? I really struggled at the gym on Wednesday night and so I know tomorrow is not going to be pretty. I am sure I will be the unfittest there. I've just been watching the new season of the Biggest Loser (USA) and I know I'm going to the crap one going the slowest while turning puce, then white - then puce again. It's going to be U.G.L.Y. Daphne and Celeste style (and we all remember how bad that was. No? Just me then). But... I've got to do something. And I might be the slowest, crappest person there - but I'll be there.

If I make it out the other side with even an inkling that this could be for me then I'm going to sign up for the Fundamentals Course. This is a three week course held on Sunday's for two hours at time where you learn all the techniques and moves - while no doubt getting a bit of an ass kicking. It's a rare occasion when I am at home at the weekends, never mind three weekends in a row. However, in February, I am. It's a sign, I tell you!

I'm getting ahead of myself though. I need to make it through tomorrow - alive.

A sliver medal

 

 

Based on yesterday's performance, I think I earned silver.

 

I ate completely on plan during the day. I then went to the gym, which was purgatory. I did not enjoy. Apart from the fact the place was heaving, I limped through a 45 minute workout. Oh dear lord my fitness has gone right down the pan. I couldn't run for more than about 3 minutes! My legs were screaming out in agony after a minute and a half on the cross trainer. Did not enjoy. But I went. That's the real achievement. I went and I did. Things can only get better.

 

Then it was off to baking club. This month the theme was Baby Shower. The top cake was my rainbow cake. I was pretty happy with it but it's hard to go wrong when you slather something in cream cheese icing. There were lots of other delicious bakes - and some which looked amazing but tasted pretty poor. Mr Jelly baby I'm looking at you! The club isn't about creating the most impressive bakes ever, it's just about baking whatever you like and coming along for a chin wag.

 

I said I was going to have one cake and that was all. I may have had slightly more. In total I had:

• A crispy cake shaped heart (it was so gooey)
• A stamp sized piece of another sticky, toffee type tray bake
• 2 cream cheese and white chocolate topped profiteroles
• A bit of a cupcake

So yeah it's definitely more than I was planning to have. But it's a lot less that I would have had. I then walked home and had a very small portion of pasta which was leftover from TB's tea.  It's not a good dieting day but any manner of means but I felt so much more in control and I feel pretty good about my choices. 

 

Heads down for victory

This is day one of zero fannying about.

Thus far I have coped admirably but it is only 5pm. I still have to go to the gym and then baking club and then make it home and to bed.

I have planned for this though. I had a snack at 12pm of a clementine, a yogurt and some cold meat. I then had a late lunch at 3pm of a bowl of (homemade) soup. This will see me through until baking club (I might also have a banana before then) where I am going to have one slice/biscuit or cupcake.

I'm going to pick the one that looks the most delicious and I am going to eat the crap out of it. I am not taking ANY home with me. Okay, maybe one thing for TB - but that is it. Nothing I can pick at. Nothing I can nibble at. When I get home, depending on hunger levels I might have some more cold meat.

Oh yeah... weigh in! Well that was an unmitigated disaster. Apparently I put on 2.5lbs this week.
Ooops! So I'm now heavier than I was at the beginning of the year. It seems an awful lot. I mean I wasn't exactly stuffing my face for seven days. However, I'm actually okay about it. I don't deserve to be any lighter and the numbers are what they are. It's what I do now that matters. Today has to be the day I prove to myself that I'm not just dicking around.

Weakness to greatness in one easy step

I'll not beat about the bush - the diet isn't really going too well. It is going - just very very slowly.

My meals are all pretty healthy but the portions are way too big (soup and a sandwich for lunch two days running) but I'm also eating the odd slice of cake, a finger of fudge (which I don't even really like!), a handful of crisps... and so on.

I've also done no exercise. Diddly squat - and that's the closest I have come to real squat, writing 'diddly squat'.

Tomorrow is the dreaded weigh day and I'll be honest - a gain is not out of the question. How do I feel about that? Well, a sort of ambivalent nothingness. Which is really how I've felt about this latest re-entry into the weight loss mindframe. I'm just not fired up or motivated. I could bleat on about the various reasons for this but it's doesn't actually matter what they are - they are all excuses.

So what am I going to do? Well, first thing is first. I need to suck it up. I can do this. I want to do this. I need to stop being so weak and just get a sodding grip. Weak is quite a strong word but it sums up how I feel. I don't feel strong enough to stick solidly to a healthy eating plan. I don't feel strong enough to get out excercising. However, weak is just a frame of mind and one that I intend to send packing. And this is how...

I've got to talk the talk AND walk the walk. I KNOW that I feel so much better and in control when I am exercising. For me, diet and exercise go hand in hand and without one of them - the whole shooting match comes falling down.

So, it's time to grit my teeth and actually do what I am say I am going to. Tomorrow, I am going to the gym. I really do not like the gym anymore but I need to get moving in some shape or form. Tomorrow my baking club takes place across the road from my gym. After work and before baking club, I shall go to the gym. It will happen. That is step one.

As for the the coming weeks and months, I have one word CrossFit....

Ticking time bomb

This weekend it's my dad's 60th birthday party.

Considering I'm 32, that's pretty young, right? And I've got an older brother. My mum is even younger  she's only 56. My mum and dad were childhood sweethearts and got married when my mum was just 19. They had my brother when my Mum was 22 and me when she was 24. So young! They were just babies themselves.

I loved having young parents and I was always a little bit proud of the fact they were younger than most of my friend's parents. I think that was more about their frame of mind though; my parents were always considered quite cool as they let us do fun stuff and weren't particularly strict.

Growing  up I always wanted to be a young parent. I knew how much fun I had with mine and I envisaged myself in the same scenario. As I got a bit older I realised I'd rather be closer to the 30 mark but all of a sudden that 30 mark is fading into the distance... 33 is just a few months away!

How the crap did this happen? I swear my 30th birthday was just the other week. Stop the frigging clock! Don't get me wrong, I'm cool about being 33. I quite like the sound of it in fact, but over the past few weeks I've just realised what this means. I'm almost in my mid 30s - and I suit being here!

I spent Boxing Day with TB's family. He is the eldest of all his cousins on the side of the family that were there - the youngest is 6, the eldest 21. I like hanging out with them and finding out what they are up to - but the reality is, I had more fun with their mum - who is in her early 40s! I'd like to think I've got more in common with the 18 year old (boys, makeup, career, clothes, music) but no - I'm more like TB's Auntie (sense of humour, cultural references, music). Shit! How and when did I topple the divide?!

The main thing I don't like about hurtling towards my mid 30s (ugh) is that the meaning of time has changed quite significantly. In your mid 20s a couple of years means nothing. So what if a few years go by? Now, those couple of years can have a big knock on effect. I just can't quite believe I'm at this point in my life. The point where I need I need to decide that in 12 months time I really should be thinking about getting pregnant. The reality is that I'm already pretty late in getting into the game but even so - I feel like all of a sudden that time in my life is on my doorstep and it's knocking pretty loudly to get in.

Weigh in

I lost 1.75lbs this morning. For a week one weigh in, it's pretty meh but considering it's been  6 days of half-arsed trying and not really feeling very well, I'll take it.

I'm ready to stop fannying about and get shifting this stone that is HOUNDING me, before embarking in banishing the fresh fat (FF).

I feel like my head is properly about to get in the game, and cop on to what needs to happen. My meals are pretty good, I just need to be more structured about the in between times - specifically after dinner. To help me with this, I'm bringing logging bag. My trusty notebook which saw me through a very successful weight loss spring and summer of 2010 (oh, the halcyon dieting days) is coming out of hibernation tonight.

I'm also excited to try and taste more delicious recipes such as this red lentil, spinach and coconut soup. This is a double whammy because not only it is low fat but it choc full of feel good ingredients such as ginger and turmeric. Please excuse the shitty cutlery and chipped bowl. The office crockery is quite simply, a bit tinky.

And then, of course, there is exercise. I am struggling with getting going as my fitness is so crap right now and the thought of going to a gym repulses me. Yes, repulses! I need to decide what I like doing and how I can fit that into a weekly regime. I fare much better when x night is predetermined as the night I do a specific form of exercise. These are my thoughts so far...

Monday: Busy with other commitments
Tuesday: 15 minute run to and from 30 minute spin class
Wed/Thurs: Badminton
Friday: Run

I also want to get out on my bike more. I love my bike and I feel like I've neglected it so much over the past year. I won't lie - the fact there is a short but very steep hill the moment you set off from my place, is a huge deterrent. That is pathetic! Get a grip woman. Even if I only have 40 mins free at the weekend, there is nothing to stop me going out for a short, sharp blast.

Starting Weight: 190 pounds
Current Weight: 188.25 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1.75 pounds
Total 2013 Weight Loss: 1.75 pounds

False start

My usual 'get stuck right into the new year' attitidude has been thwarted by a whole lotta not feeling well.

I should be cleaning out cupboards and emarking on my debut run of 2013 but instead I've been sitting on my backside and doing a power of sleeping while I shake some sort of virus that seems to have taken hold. This displeases me. Greatly.

It also means that I haven't exactly given my healthy eating push the kick start I should have. Compared to what I was scoffing, I've been a saint but I still seem to be slowly polishing off the Christmas left overs despite having really healthy meals. A wee Thorntons chocolate here, a slathering of butter on my bread there... Not cool.

I'm not going to worry about it though. Quite frankly, I've not had the energy. I'm feeling a good bit better today (and am back at work) and so I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow morning (back to the Wednesday weigh in), with the hope of seeing a small drop, and then it's time to shift this backside into fifth gear and get motoring into a slimmer, healthier 2013.

Looking at last years stats, there is a lot to build on.

• This time last year I was half a stone lighter. I want to shed this half stone - forever.
• I finished the year weighing the same as I did at the start. I want to weigh A LOT less at the end of this year than I do now.
• I got down to my lowest weight ever in July. I want to get there again  - and beyond!

Marker in the sand

I feel sick. I'm sitting at my desk and I actually think I might throw up. The Hogmanay celebrations were fantastic but they have just about broken me.

In fact the whole festive period was brilliant but New Year really was a whalloper. 5 hours sleep on the 1st and 2.5 hours sleep on the 2nd - punctuated with a whole lotta partying. I've definitely exceeded my fun quota for January.

I got home at about 5pm on the 2nd. It's almost 2 days later and I still feel rough as a very mangy dog. I am so tired and the waves of nausea seem to be worse today. How is this possible?!

I was most definitely looked after the whole holidays as TB and I were staying with either my folks or his and so not only did we get fed and watered the whole time but we were taken out to eat and plied with booze on an hourly basis. Fantastic!

So now that we're back to the daily grind, how do I feel about 2013... Well, I actually feel pretty good about it but I realise I'm putting quite a bit of pressure on myself. There are some pretty meaty things I want to cross off the list this year.

• Buy a house
• Get a full time salaried job
• Lose 2 stone

The smaller things I want to achieve are:

• Read more
• Try more recipes/baking and log them
• Get out on my bike more
• Be tidier
• Exercise more

I'm going to do them all. I know I am. It's just a matter of getting my chubby finger out.