Seeing button

It's scan day!

I am excited. Very excited but I'm actually much more nervous than I thought I would be. As the day has drawn closer the nerves have really kicked in. I'll just be delighted when we get the thumbs up that everything is as it should be - and then I can start telling the world! Whooo hoooo! And that we can actually see button and know there is something there! Yeah, I've been calling it button.

A friend I grew up with who lived next door to me revealed she was pregnant just a week ago - we are just seven days apart! Unreal. I cannot wait to tell her!

My healthy eating has been.... well, it's been healthier. I am definitely eating five portions of fruit and veg a day but I am still managing to fit in lots of other things! Ooops! My PT session last week was really good. Not too hard at all and it gave me confidence to get back in the gym and get working out. So yeah, I need to actually do that!

Okay, I must dash - it's almost time to head to the hospital!

Eat, blog, repeat

The title says it all. I am just going round and round in circles.

But, occasionally there is a glimmer of hope. A moment when I think, enough. Enough of this attitude. And when those moments strike, I need to grab hold of that hope and make some positive plans. This morning, with a crisp chill in the air and the sun shining, sees one of those moments.

• Special K Red Berries for breakfast
• A Warbutons wholemeal thin with philly light and cold meat for lunch
• Chicken, edamame and avocado salad for dinner

In between, fruit. And lots of it.

It's not actually the meals which are the problem though. It's all the crap either side. If I want something, I have it. There is a constant voice in the back of my head saying, "you're pregnant, just have it. Deal with it later." I need to shut that voice up!

Tomorrow I will be 12 weeks (and have my scan on Tuesday!). I'm feeling much better and now I owe it to myself and my baby (feels so weird writing that) to be healthy and look after myself. So as of today, it's time to play the chuffing game.

Heffalumping along

I've done it - I'm back in the 13s. 13stone 2.75lbs to be exact. Sad face. And oh boy, can I feel it.

I wore a dress this week that I bought last winter. I felt SO good in that dress before. This week, every time I stood up I had to hold my tummy in in case someone asked me if I was pregnant. Not because I am pregnant, because I am piggy with a sticky out tummy that has been stuffing her piggy face.

Even though I can now actually see where I have gained weight (face, thighs and body), I'm trying my best keeping an eye on the positives.

• I don't feel sick any more! 
• I went to spinning last Friday, and today. It was hard but hey, I did it. An hour class too.
• I'm actually enjoying fruit. How good are conference pears at the moment?
• Got some balsamic beef creation in the slow cooker - v healthy and hopefully delicious.
• I'm seeing my PT next week for the first time in ages.
• I got a shit load  of dentistry for free this week. 

That all makes me sound saintly. Far from it. Today has been really healthy apart from two of those sloop waffle biscuits and about five custard creams. But that is healthy - in comparison to the last 10 days! Haha. Gotta laugh or I might cry. The weeping heffer.

Sisters are doing it for themselves

Oh my, it's been a busy busy past 10 days since my last post.

• Life at the moment (and for the foreseeable) is all about DIY. We're hauling out our 1970's pine kitchen, ripping up the terracotta tiles and knocking a bloody great hole in the wall through to the dining room. All the cupboards are now empty and I have a little makeshift kitchen in the guest bedroom - another room we have yet to decorate - hence the interesting pink and curtains! 

• I have a laundry room! The precursor to doing the kitchen is making the basement into a nice place for our new washing machine and tumble dryer. Last night the floor was laid and the washing machine is plumbed in! This excites me FAR too much. This is a quick before and almost after.

 

• Thank you cards. I still haven't finished my wedding thank you cards and this is giving me some serious anxiety. Well, maybe not serious but I am not happy with myself. Tomorrow we will have been married five months! Terrible behavior. I only need to do about another 15 and we are done. Must get the finger out. 

• I got about 5 inches whacked off my hair and not one sodding person has noticed. It's still pretty long though so really not that different. But come one - 5 inches people!  However, I am booked in for Lob (Long bob, dontcha know) in about six weeks. Oh my. 

• I have not done a jot of exercise since I blogged about that 5k which was almost two weeks ago now. The reason for this is that I have been feeling pretty sicky still - and tired! BUT  - I am booked into spinning tomorrow with my one friend I have made in the town. I am most definitely not gonna go hell for leather but I gotta do something as I am soon going to turn into a piggy.

• I'm 10 weeks pregnant today. Whooppeee! I've got this (American) app which tells you what size the baby is each week. Today, we're on prune - a 1.5 inch long prune! Little Prunella! I cannot wait until we have our 12 weeks scan and I can tell people. We were at a wedding at the weekend and once again I had to pretend to be drinking. Not easy! And I feel like I am lying to people. I met a good friend for lunch who is pregnant and I can't talk about what is really going on with me! Just last night two friends invited us out for dinner and drinks next weekend. Noooo - I can't go through another night having to pretend I'm drinking when I'm not. TB's parents suggested saying I am on antibiotics. HA! Do they not realise I might as well take out a full page ad in the local paper.

Five and three

So the healthy eating isn't going too well.

Same old, really. I start the day with good intentions but by dinner time those intentions are long gone.

I'm feeling so much better than I was but still quite sicky and so I'm still looking for more comforting foods. Fruit and veg are not those foods. And then there is habit. It's so easy to get out of the habit of eating healthily. Scarily easy. A 'normal' breakfast for me is two eggs scrambled, maybe with some ham or spinach. Now, I'm automatically having a slice of toast too. Four months ago, that would have been unheard of.

We've also had a few weekends at home (bliss) for the first time in months and that has resulted in cosy nights watching a film, with some treats. Slippery slope. Very.

Exercise wise - things are a little better. I went for a 5k run on Thursday which I did in just over 33 mins. That is slooo-oow for me. I found it tough though and had to walk a few times for 30 seconds. I was pleased I did it though. TB has been fancying going out for a run and so on Saturday I took him on my usual 5k route.

I had to admit, I was really annoyed he found it quite easy. We went at my pace which he was holding back on as he wanted to take a longer stride. We did it in just over 32 mins (better!) but I reckon he could do it faster than that. Which is bloody annoying. He's never run before and now he's talking about going out on his own - and he's better than me! Running was my thing and I was the best at it (cause he didn't actually do it!) and now he's taken over! Why did he not come out with me when I wasn't pregnant and fitter? Grrrrrr.

I do have to remember though, I am pregnant and it is affecting me, whether I like it or not. I really pushed at the end of our run together and it was tough. Like going back to the start again! What is giving me some smug satisfaction though, is the fact TB's legs are killing him yesterday and today! Haha! Watching him getting up and down from sitting on the couch is highly amusing - especially when I feel fine!

On Thursday I weighed in at 12stone 13.5lbs. I'm teetering dangerously close to those bloody 13's but on the positive side, since I've been up the proverbial I have actually only put on about 3lbs. Considering how much I've been eating, it's not that bad!

To try and keep me on the straight and narrow for as long as possible. here is my plan... Five portions of fruit and veg and day, three workouts a week. Any idiot can do that!

This week I've done two 5ks and tomorrow I'm going to do a weights session - my first in three weeks. Ugh. I'm still feeling super hungry but that might be because I am used to eating more over these past few weeks, rather than anything else. Today I've really made an effort though.

B: porridge & half a banana
L: Homemade tha red curry and lentil soup. Half a ham & avo sarnie. 
S: Smoothie with coconut milk, mango, nectarine, banana & maca powder. Two clementines
D: (Will be) Morrocan turkey meatballs & cous cous, broccoli

There's about seven portions in there.

It's not a water tight plan but if it means I'm more likey to reach for a piece of fruit than a slice of toast - wonderful.

Some night last night

So there you have it - I've got one in the oven. Wheeeee!

We have been really lucky that things have happened so quickly for us and I'm still in a state of shock. Well, I was in a state of shock as apart from the two lines on the test telling me it was so, I've been feeling great.

What is all this tiredness and morning sickness people have been banging on about, I thought to myself. Until about a week ago. And then I ate my words.

For the past seven days I've felt like I've had a stinking hangover. It comes in waves but there is queasiness that is never far away and oh my god, my head. I've never really been one for sore heads but I have had thumping headache several times every single day. On Thursday I met a friend for lunch, got on the train home and when I got in, mid afternoon, I had to have a sleep for an hour. Ha! I have become so pathetic. And as for exercising.... you have got to be joking. I can barely go up the stairs without being out of breath and wanting to puke.

I saw my PT on Friday and I had to tell him, as I had to stop all time to compose myself and 'breathe' away the queasiness.

Safe to say I am not happy about this. I want to be out running. I want to be nipping up the stairs at home without feeling like a geriatric.

And the eating. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. I feel hungry ALL THE TIME and when I feel sicky, eating helps. So guess what, I am chowing down BIG STYLE. There is no reason for me to look preggo yet but my chubby tummy certainly doesn't agree.

Last weigh day I was 12stone 11.75lbs. I am quite confident I'm going to be seeing the 13s come this week's weigh day on Thursday. Yes, that's partly my new, massive jugs but the rest of that is chub, not baby.

Now, yes - there will be people who will be thinking "you are pregnant, now is not the time to worry about your weight." WRONG.

This is most definitely the time to worry about my weight. Healthy me = healthy baby. I'm not saying I'm planning to lose weight but I need to get a grip on things. I am eating WAY too much. Fish supper for tea on Saturday, crumpets and jam for an afternoon snack, butter on my toast with scrambled eggs - and black pudding! I need to get back to healthy eating and some sort of control on my portions. I.e. I just met a friend for lunch at Pizza Express. I got a small pizza and a portion of dough balls. Eh? Dough balls? Since when?!

I've signed up for another 10 sessions with my PT so that will help to keep me moving and hopefully this yucky feeling will go soon and I can get back to making better choices.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Positive

We did it four times.

The first was just before we went to a barbecue. The second was about a week later and we were going to a wedding. The third another week later and was before we went to my nephew’s first birthday party, then straight onto a ceilidh. All very much with the “you never know” mindset. The fourth and final time was two days later after I had dug the third attempt out the bin, held it up to the light and peered intently at the window.

Was there something there, if I really screwed up my eyes, that I hadn’t seen before?

TB came home for lunch a few hours later by which time I was bursting for the toilet.  He barely made it in the front door before I launched myself at him.

“We’re trying another one”, I told him.

“Okay, but just don’t get your hopes up.”

Minutes later we were standing in the kitchen as the line got darker and darker, him grinning, me jumping up and down, dancing around.

“I can’t believe it”, I kept saying over and over again.

“We’re going to have a baby”.

Yes, the words I have longed and imagined typing and have worried about ever getting the chance to do so are about to leave my fingers. I’m pregnant! I am still in major disbelief. If my boobs hadn’t doubled in size and were causing me some amount of grief, I would think it was all a dream.  

It is still very early days. As of today I am only seven weeks. Really I shouldn’t be sharing this at this stage but I feel like by not telling, I am lying! This blog is all about my feelings and body image – two things that I really REALLY want and need to talk about so I can’t not reveal that this LoveCat is having a Lovekitten.

Weigh in

I was just about to launch into a ‘normal’ post when I realised I haven’t filled you in on last week’s weigh in. There is a reason for that though.

Two and a half pounds on. That’s the reason right there. Oh dear. So that means I weighed in at 12stone 13.75lbs. I have no excuse, I ate far too much of the wrong things.  So that was Thursday morning. Since then I have been to London and addressed it by eating more cake than is humanly possible. Oh, and there were churros and other delightful eats such as real butter on my toast which I had with scrambled egg. In addition to that there were some dirty eats – two mini pork pies if you please!

Can I even begin to pretend that any of this was countered by the massive amounts of walking I did or the 5k I ran on Monday. Things are not good people and they seemed to get 100 times worse when last night I put on a pair of my comfy jeans that were in the ‘too big’ pile. They were seriously snug around the thighs  and are now in the ‘fits again’ pile.  Woe WOE WOE. I am not very happy about this at all.

I’ve not been feeling too great over the past few days so I feel like I’ve been eating my way out of that and the swim I planned last night was swapped for a night on the couch and early to bed.  It’ really worrying me though. Where will it all end? When will it all end? I’m giving a lot of thought to this and while I don’t have anything resembling a plan, I do have thoughts I’m gonna share very soon.

First of all I need to get a grip on reality. Since I got home on Sunday night I feel like I have continued to eat WAY too much but it actually isn’t that bad. Yesterday was:

B: Fruit & Fibre

S: 2x Clementine, nakd bar

L: 365 risotto pot and cold meat

S: Banana and peanut butter

D: Healthy leek carbonara made with Philly Light

Yeah, my breakfast and dinner portions were bigger than they should be but overall, really not that bad. Today has been:

B: Special K Red Berries

S: Oreo cookie, 2 x Clementine

L: Carbonara left overs, Raspberries

S: Banana and peanut butter

D: At TB’S folks

If I can just rein in the portions and the peanut butter – they would be two pretty amazing days. I’ve been really sporadic when it comes to exercise as I’ve been away and generally my usual weekly routine has been out of whack. I’m weighing tomorrow and I fully expect to be in the 13 stone bracket. Ugh. I’ve then got a full week to try and bring it back down. I’m only able to fit in three workouts (PT,  run and swim) but three is better than none, right.

Weigh in

Weigh day was Friday and I put half a pound on so I'm back to 12stone 10.25lbs. What’s half a pound and to be honest, I’m not that worried about it. I've been feeling quite bloated so it that could account for it, or it could be the weights sessions.

Since last weigh in, I've seen my PT and been to the gym twice. Both times at the gym I upped my weights so I’m mostly using 20kg for split squats, bench presses and dumbbell step ups. So while I’m feeling a bit frumpy round the body, I am feeling good limb wise – if you know what I mean.

The weekend though, was not good food wise. It's all gone a bit downhill, including my frame of mind. I was at a hen do and while I kept the boozing under control, I went to town on the eating. One of the bridesmaids had made the most delicious caramel shortbread and… well, you can guess the rest. I ate far too much of that, and everything else. And this has kinda continued since I got home.

TB is away on a training course and so I've got carte blanche to eat what I like for tea. I took a healthy left over curry out the freezer for tea last night and ended up ignoring it and making crepes. One savoury with cheese and pesto, two sweet with LOADS of syrup. Oh dear. And THEN I made up some coconut butter icing. Double oh dear. Oh dear.

Today I’ve had:

Fruit and Fibre for brekkie

A French fancy

Homemade soup, ricecakes with lf homous and chicken for lunch

Some maltesers

I’m planning to have the curry for dinner but I have to nip into the supermarket to get more cat litter (broken back leg cat still has three weeks of incarceration in his box to go. We’re all most definitely over it) and that is where impulse purchases could get the better of me. The fact I am already thinking it could get the better of me is not good. 

Times they are a changing

Another super busy weekend but one that was good fun and dieting wise, could have been a lot worse.

Friday night was a healthy night at my folk's and in bed for 11pm. Lovely. Saturday morning Mum and I baked side by side as we prepared for my nephew's first birthday party. I made cheese straws and caramel pie. The pie might look the biz but it was the cheese straws that got the rave reviews.

At the party I ate quite well from the buffet (i.e. healthily) but then I did have a small slice of the pie and a small meringue with cream. Not great at all. However, I ate was nothing else after that until 9pm when I had some stovies at the ceilidh we were at (could I be any more Scottish?).

Sunday was a pretty lazy day as we were both pretty hungover but we did manage to clear a load of boxes from our front room and took them to the tip, and we finally hung a gorgeous piece of artwork we got as a wedding present.

TB loves a subway when he's feeling worse for wear but while he got in about a foot long number I had some soup with some brown bread and cold meat. I also made a delicious, healthy, thai noodle bowl for dinner. In your face takeway. Yeah, sure there was a little bit of chocolate consumption too but I also made banana ice cream  - from nowt but.... bananas!

The upshot of all this is that there is a much more positive frame of mind in action here. This has carried me into the week with a swift kick up the arse. There was a PT session and also the healthiest, most moderate day I can remember in a long LONG time. 

Weigh in

After yesterday's epic post, I'm gonna keep this short and sweet.

• Total After Eight consumption last night was around 8. I ate them and I didn't even really want them. 
• This morning the scales read 12stone 9.75. Interesting! I cannot tell you how pleased I was to see a 9 after the 12 stone. I know it's only a quarter of a pound/three quarters of a pound (who the hell knows) less that last week but there is something about a 9 that, to me, seems WAY less than a 10. I feel like I'm so much closer to getting back to 12 stone. And it's a loss - two weeks in a row.
• I've been to the gym today and generally felt pretty god damn positive. So positive in fact, this happened.

 

• My goal for next week is to lose a pound. I want to see 12 stone 8something. I feel the teeny tiniest glimmer of excitement thinking about that. 
• I think lovely Zanna summed it up perfectly in her comment when she said "keep on trying and eventually the penny will drop, the peg will fit in the hole or whatever and you'll be off screaming like a banshee!".

I decide

I don't need to preface this blog with the information that I'm struggling, do I?

Well, I suppose I just have.

The thing is, I've not exactly lost the plot. It's more that the narrative has become confused.

I'm making healthy meals, I'm exercising regularly. That's good. In fact, that's great. It's more that a lot of people do. But I'm also eating a chocolate bar (or three) every other day. I'm snacking on crackers and cold meat before I eat said healthy meal. I'm eating four mini doughnuts that someone has brought into the office.

I'm weighing myself tomorrow morning and I have to face the reality that I'm probably going to have edged up the way. I'm in serious danger of getting back into the 13s. Actually typing that out loud has make my stomach turn. I've been 'getting away' with burying my head in the sand but sooner or later it's going to catch up with me.

My mum and I talk about our diets ALL THE TIME. It might sound boring/obsessive/sad to everyone else but we are each other's support system and it must be working in some (pear) shape or form as we are both a lot thinner than we used to be. We're both stones lighter. I am fully supporting her as she loses pound after pound for eight weeks solid. She has backed off trying to cajole me at the moment as she knows I do not want to be nagged and that I'm not in the right headspace just now.

Last night I was back at the folk's for the night and I know, boy do I know, that I need to do something about it - and so we started talking. Mum was coming up with all sort of suggestions - things that will kick that kick up the bum to get going again. Signing up for a race, joining a slimming club (purely for weigh in purposes), asking a friend to do a weekly weigh in - were all put forward. I don't want to do any of those things. They do not even give me a glimmer of... I don't know what, excitement, motivation?

When I get going, and I've got going many times over the years, its come from me. It comes from within. I do it because I have decided. Yes, there are things along the way (personal trainers for example) but those things don't just make it happen. A person trainer worked for me because I put the hard work in. They suggested a routine - I did it and more. I said I was going to run a 10k before the wedding. I did that because I said I was going to. I decide.

I need to find it within me to decide again. I know I've got it in me. Of course I bloody do. I am the freaking master of deciding and more importantly getting it done. You want something done - you ask me. I've got pretty high standards and I expect a lot - and that goes for me too. Stop moaning - get your head down and get the fuck on with it. You don't like something? Then change it - it's up to you. If you've not done it by now that's probably because it's hard. Of course it's hard - that's life.

I feel part of my stumbling block this time around is because in spite of feeling a bit out of control, I feel pretty good about myself. If I was to be this size for the rest of my life, I can think of much worse things. I need to focus on the control thing, as that's what really bothering me. I'm constantly on the back foot at the moment. Reacting. Do not like. I am also constantly hungry and who likes that?!

If you've made it this far - congratulations! I didn't mean for this to be such a lengthy post and now I don't really know where I'm going with it. I've talked about what I want to do, what I'm capable of but how does that intertwine with reality? Facts, I suppose....

Yesterday turned out to be a very good dieting day, under the watchful eye of my mother and today has the potential to be even better. I'm on the train on the way home from various meetings. I'm going to stop off at the supermarket on the way home to grab something for dinner. I'll then have half an hour at home before TB gets in. That is a very dangerous 30 minutes; there's an open box of After 8s hidden at the back of one of the cupboards.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad