Trundling Along

So I seem to have lost my blogging mojo somewhat. The fact of the matter is that when I lose the plot with the diet, I'm reluctant to update. It's a bit like sticking my head in the sand, but the sand is replaced with chocolate. So... image me with my head in a bucket of chocolate and you get the idea.

I'm also rubbish at keeping up with other people's blogs when this happens. While I'm in calorie induced fug I don't really enjoy reading about other's attempts to shift the lard. Sorry - totally selfish but that's just the way it is.

While I don't feel too great at the moment size and fat wise, I don't feel too bad either. I know that I've got a couple of weeks of indulgence coming up (and to be honest a lot of those days are booze filled, rather than food filled) and then it'll be New Year and time to get right back on it - again. Yup, again.

The plan of attack come Jan 11 is that even though my Slimming World group has folded (kiss of death from yours truly!) I've still got the info and I'm going to stick with it. And running. I really want to get back into running. I can crack out a 5k without too much bother but it would be good to get up to a 10k or so.

In other life news, work is going really well - although I don't think I'll ever get the hang of working from home and being at my desk at 9am. I'm planning to take off most of Christmas and New Year so looking forward to catching up with my family, friends and of course Toy Boy.

Yes, Toy Boy. What a sweetheart. It's a pain that we only get to see each other at the weekends but so far it's working out pretty well. We actually didn't end up seeing each other last weekend and so it's been almost two weeks since we clapped eyes on each other. We were champing at the bit for yesterday to arrive (when I came to see him) and have been counting down the days. But typically - I arrive and after just a few hours together we end up almost falling out! It was over nothing at all - I felt he was poopoo-ing a suggestion of mine and just generally being a twat (while in the supermarket). I flounced off to the bread aisle. But APART from that.... double thumbs up.

Here is an example of how lovely he is...  We were talking about books (pah- check us and our, like, totes intellectual conversation) and  I mentioned I had never read The Great Gatsby. The next time he came to mine he brings out a stack of six books from his bag, one of which is The Great Gatsby. He's brought me a selection of his own books that he thinks I should read and that I'd enjoy. And they're in a specific order, lighthearted followed by more serious etc. Revolutionary Road done, now onto Glue. How thoughtful.

His family party is tomorrow night and I'm actually really looking forward to it. Note to self - do not get too drunk and tell his family members things they  do not need to know.

Finally, I'm on the verge of saying it. You know - that word. The one that makes this all a bit more serious. Hmm. Don't want to do it first though.

Totes Sozzzzzz

Whoops - been a bit slack on the old blogging. However, I come armed with excuses...

• Double glazing. It's in! Well, one window was the wrong size and so I'm waiting for that one but the other window (I only have two windows) and the front door are in. Love. Them.
• Snow. TB ended up staying an extra night at the weekend cause of all the snow. In case you hadn't noticed GB is pretty much totally covered in snow. He couldn't get home and we were snowed in together for a night! He made the pilgrimage to the shops for some food and came back with supplies and a pair of gloves and earmuffs for me!
• Diet. Ummm... diet? Yeah, kinda have hit a bit of  a hurdle there. TB is SUCH a bad influence. That is a crap excuse but there is a reason why I find it hard to slim when in a relationship - a new relationship. I have a whole post in the making about that but mainly it's because it's not FUN. I want to be carefree and spontaneous but saying no to anything fun and interesting that is related to food makes me seem like a total bore. I missed Ess Dubs on Tuesday (was cancelled cause of snow) and can't go next week cause of work but I am going to get my head down till the following week as that's my last real chance to get cracking before Christmas.
• Cold. Got a cold. Boring.
• Hair cut and massage this week- life is hard, eh?
• General chatting to TB on skype and the phone
• Christmas present buying - got a few ideas. Best thing I've bought so far - a pink spotted cake stand from BHS for a tenner for me bezzie.
• Snow  - again. Had to dig my car out of the snow and then lent my spade to my neighbour that I've never met before. Although well worth it as they returned it tonight and brought a bottle of wine to say thanks. How nice!
• Christmas party planning. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - I am excited. Tonight on the phone TB told me his mum and dad are going to have an early Christmas family get together and I am invited! It's going to be the week before Christmas and they were waiting to see if I could make that date before they went ahead. This means we'll see each other every weekend until Christmas. I am happy.

Someone Like You

So maybe YouTube was being a bugger... Here it is now. Enjoy.

I love...

• This song. I love Adele's voice and this song is just haunting. Cannot stop listening. If you're emotional at all chances are you will cry. You have been warned!

•  Double glazing. I live in an old flat and it is so so cold. I sit next to the window a lot and cold just permeates the glass. Work is going really well and December looks like it's going to be a bumper month and so I've decided to get double glazing. I've got a lovely coloured front door that I'm sad to be losing but it'll be worth it for the warmth of white plastic.

• Weddings. My best friend from school is getting married on Friday. I've got my outfit sorted (just need a massive silver flower for my hair) and TB will be with me as we wish them all the luck and love in the world. Lots of my friends will be there and my bother and his wife so I'm really looking forward to it.
• Legs. I am most certainly not a fan of my legs but over the years my running perseverance has paid off and although they are not skinny by any manner of means and I am a stone heavier than my lightest weight ever, they are shapely and a far cry from the podgy sausages they once were. Feels good to be able to wear skirts and dresses that I once would have balked at.
• My Granny. She is amazing. I was stuck for shoes for my wedding outfit and then remembered these bad boys she gave me a couple of years ago. They are about 30 years old and she used to wear them when she went on cruises. Love it. Love her.

Weigh In. Number 6.

Just call me Lucky Love Cat. Half a pound off.

I was dreading this week's weigh in. It's been two weeks since my last (when I lost a stonking 5lbs) and while I've had moments of brilliance I've also drunk a lot and had the odd slip up (I'm looking at you cooked breakfast on Sunday morning).

Mixed in with that I've been to the gym at least twice a week and last week I managed to get a new all time 5k personal best. 32 minutes! How pleased was I.

So I'm pretty happy with a half pound off. Yeah, overall the loss is slow but it is coming off and it seems to be staying off.

This week will be another challenging one - out for dinner on Thursday, a wedding on Friday and a birthday night out on Saturday. Coupled I'll be with TB from Thursday late on till Sunday afternoon and the boy is a bad influence!


Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 197 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 8 pounds

Squeaky clean slate

TB was visiting me for most of the weekend and it was fantastic, apart from a bit of an argument we had.

We went out with a few of his mates on Saturday night. I was meeting them for the first time and after quite a lot of drinks I was totally smashed (which played a bit part when it came to my reaction). I took the hump when he sort of told me not to stand too close to him. I thought he was being an dickhead and so flounced off to the other side of the club. He was actually feeling a bit sick and didn't want me pressing against him - which he explained when he came after me. So I got over that and it was all cool and then later on, towards the end of the night we were dancing - me and him and two of his mates. I went off to the loo and decided to have a quick ciggie afterwards. I went back inside only to find he was annoyed cause he thought that I had just walked off and left him again and his mates were asking where I'd gone and he didn't know.

So a stupid fight about nothing at all. However, things were a bit tense. It was time to go home anyway and we skulked off. On the way home I ended up coming out with it all - and a few tears. Just the usual fear that I've mentioned on here - that he didn't want things as much as I did and that I really wanted it to work. He told me that of course he did - he wouldn't be seeing me just about every weekend if he didn't want to and the fact that he was really hurt by his ex and so he wouldn't get involved with someone if he didn't think it wasn't going to go somewhere. He also told me I need to let go of my last relationship and stop thinking that they way it panned out is what's going to happen with us. (Channelling some Moonraker behaviour there)

So despite having our first argument, I feel fine about it all. We had a really nice day yesterday, watching a film and reading the Sunday papers (and eating a fry up - whoops) and I don't feel the dread or anything like that. In fact, in a way I'm glad we had it. Weirdo.

Inevitable

I was just about to crack off a post about my most recent weigh in, or lack thereof  (I got stuck in a meeting on Tuesday and didn't make it along) but an email from Moonraker has just dropped into my inbox which has.... well, I don't really know what it's done apart from leave me feeling totally weird.

There is a work event thing on tonight which we're both going to be at and we were also meant to be going for coffee tomorrow. He emailed to rearrange tomorrow. That was fine and a few more emails were exchanged. Then he came out with it. He's seeing someone else.

Ugh.

I feel totally all over the place. I had seen someone writing on his Facebook wall, leaving kisses and I did wonder but now I know for sure. I know I've got no right to feel odd about this; I mean, I've been with TB for around three months but I do feel weird. My ego is bruised, I suppose. I want to feel like I'm still in poll position but I've just been bumped. I want to know what she's like - but I don't. I want to know how thin is she?! I bet she's totally slim and gorgeous.

I just called my best pal and she calmed me down somewhat. She told me to reply and be really nice about it. Tell  him I was happy for him. I did not want to do that. But I did. To do anything else wouldn't be fair to TB and the last thing I want is to hurt him.

During me drafting this post more emails have gone back and forth. Moonraker tells me he had an epiphany and decided to move on from the past. Really?! Now? Why not when you were going out with me?! Why couldn't you do that for me? God - I've just burst into tears writing that. I suppose part of me just wonders why did he not think I was worth forgetting the past for.

These feeling will pass and I'll be fine. It's just been a bit of a shock and brought back how I felt when I was trying to hold us together but was totally powerless.

Easy Tiger

I was going to say something to Toyboy when I saw him, about things being a bit 'sticky' between us this past week. However, before I got the chance to do this face to face, we ended up talking about things on a skype video call. I really didn't want to do it that way. I'm not great at talking about my feelings when I actually have to discuss them with the person involved. Add a video call to that and I feel even more awkward.

It sorta came up though and it wasn't fair to leave him hanging 24hours until I saw him and so I explained that I felt like things had been a bit odd and the reason it made me feel uneasy is that the last time I was in a relationship and there was moment where things changed a bit, the next thing I knew it was all over and I was left feeling really hurt. We smoothed things over a bit and both agreed it that it would just be really good to see each other.

And indeed we did see each other last night, and it was great. I feel much better and TB understands that sometimes I just need a bit of reassurance.

Although we have seen quite a bit of each other, considering we live 2 and a half hours away from each other, things are moving quite slowly. This is a good thing. I mean, let's look at Moonraker. He was declaring his love for me after a few weeks and look how that turned out. Yeah, part of me wants him to be a wee bit more verbal about things but that's just my ego talking. I think TB is great. Brilliant, in fact but we're still getting to know each other and my feelings are no more advanced than his are so I need to not get ahead of myself.

On a slightly different note, aren't men funny creatures? So simple at times. I've been playing about a bit more with clothes this week.  As soon as I start to lose a bit of weight I feel more confident and adventurous (I'm pretty much always in jeans). I'm a classic pear shape (although there is an hourglass lurking under the lard) and my hips, bum and legs are a real problem area for me. To this end, I don't really do skirts and dresses. They are a rare occurrence as I need a size 12/14 on top and an 18 on bottom. However, I do own a few that seem to work.  I was coming to see TB last night and I decided to wear an above the knee dress (in black with a dotty pattern with a scoop neck and a big red belt pulling it in at the middle. Underneath I wore black leggings and studded grey boots.

And my, didn't TB just love it! He commented on it several times. Isn't it incredible what it does when you up the femininity - and get out of jeans.

So I'm already feeling pretty good and then this morning in bed we were having a cuddle. He's got his arms around me and he turns to me and says the words every woman loves to hear.... 'Have you lost weight?'

'Why, yes. Yes I have', I replied.

Weigh In. Number 5.

Before we get onto this week, let's revisit weigh in number 5. Last week saw a gain of 2.5lbs. Of course it did! After I stuffed my chubby cheeks with all things calorific and lard inducing in Germany there as was no way anything other than a gain was going to be my reward penance.

I really tried hard this week and something I made an concerted effort to do was to make sure I ate plenty of all the right things. I upped my protein and my fruit and veg.

I also had the weekend to myself; no trotting off to see the boy and so I could eat exactly what I wanted.

Finally - exercise.  I went to the gym once and I also pounded the pavement twice (5km both times). It was hard going, I've not been running outside since last year but I surprised myself with how well I got on.

Have I built this up enough yet?....

Okay, okay - I lost 5lbs. Finally - a loss worth shouting about! Half of that was holiday weight (I weighed in the day after I got back from hols) and so it's not really quite as spectacular as if I was coming at it from a standing start.

Don't get me wrong though - bloody delighted!


Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 197.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 7.5 pounds

Off Kilter

When I posted the other day about the power shift, I knew thing were a bit... well, they just weren't quite right with Toyboy.

We video skyped last night and it was much better. More relaxed, chatty and with more laughing. We said goodnight and then he popped up on the chat.

Toyboy: hello?

Me: yes?

T: Sorry if i've been a bit off with you the last day or two, dunno whats wrong with me

M: how come you didn't say this when we were chatting?

T: dunno

M: I did notice you've been a bit... well - maybe not quite your usual self. I know I've been a bit funny too - which probably didn' help things.

T: Well I'm looking forward to seeing you on Thursday

M: Good. Me too. x

T: ok, I'll head away just now. night night doll xxx

M: night night mister. x

T: x

I knew there was a something up. I'm still not sure what but he has been a bit off and on whatever level I've picked up on that which has made me feel insecure. I'm trying to not think about it as me chewing over the reasons why he might be a bit off is not going to help. And to be honest I think I don't there there are any real reasons.

This is one of the problems of a long distance relationship. Whenever we want to have contact we have to speak but sometimes we don't want to talk but just be together. We can't just have a cuddle. This is the exact time when we don't really want talk about anything but we want to be with each other. If you live close by you can just pop over to sort things out by making up physically- and I don't mean sex, but just being together, cuddling and that intimacy that only comes with a relationship. I haven't got that option. He is only a few hours away and I will see him on Thursday - he's not halfway round the world so I need to stop moaning.

I've got the.... power?

I've seen this happen on numerous occasions to not only me, but to my female friends as well. No matter how I play it there is no escape from... the power shift.

A new love interest comes along and whaddya know, they're all keen and can't get enough of me. I can do no wrong and my confidence goes through the roof. I don't question myself or feel insecure. In fact, I'm invincible. I'm really enjoying the relationship but I'm not (key phrase coming up here) over thinking it. I'm quite relaxed about the whole thing.

The days and weeks pass and I begin to realise that actually I do really quite like this person. I'm falling for them. This means I'm not in control as much as I thought I was. It means there is a chance I could get hurt. I really don't want to get hurt. I can remember too easily how it feels. There's been a bit too much of it for my liking.

I'm now not so relaxed and am... (all together now) over thinking everything. He's not quite as full on as he was in the beginning - we're together now and so he doesn't have to try and win me over. This does not help me relax and before I know it - he's in control. He's the one with the power. Just like that....

Last night and today we seem to have rubbed each other up the wrong way a bit. It's nothing serious - just stupid stuff. For example, we're not seeing each other this weekend. It was my idea. I'm aware that going out with someone who lives 100 miles away eats into your life. I need  and want to see my friends and just want to potter around my flat this weekend (not to mention try and do some work, she says cracking off a blog). But then last night I was missing him and wanted to see him. It's not going to happen and I was a bit grumpy about it. Not really rational I know, when it was my idea. He reminded me that it was me that decided we weren't going to see each other and said he wanted to see me this weekend but it seems that I had just made the decision.

Yeah, I did make the decision but part of me was doing that so that I got in there first. If he said he didn't want to see me I wouldn't have liked that and so I made the decision before he could. I am really worried about getting hurt and so I suppose there is some sort of self protection behaviour going on here.

Then this morning I texted him a silly suggestion. He replied back, totally shooting me down in flames. I was so annoyed, and felt like an idiot. I ignored him. He must have realised he had been a bit harsh and sent a text backtracking. I held my ground and told him to forget it as he was just humouring me. He's tried to cajole me round. I don't want to be the huffy bird and so I've said it's okay and made a joke about it.  This isn't anything at all - it's just a sillynesss but now I am letting it get to me. I bet he's not - because he's got the power!

Don't Forget

It's Friday night. It's teaming down. I am about to go for a run outside for the first time in a very long time.

Young lady, when you cannot be bothered to exercise, when you want to mindlessly eat, when you want to give up once again, remember-  you can do this. You are the woman that...

• Couldn't run for more than three minutes and then completed a half marathon six months later
• Started her own business over a year ago and now has work coming out her ears
• Lost almost 3 stone in one go
• Bounced back from heartbreak - several times
• Keeps going
• Achieves

PS) Don't read down the side of the bullet points thinking I've hidden some cryptic message! Promise, it's just random letters.

Weigh In. Number 4

Once upon a time in Germany, the diet went bust....

The carnage included (but was not limited to)... pistachio nougat, chocolate muffins, full fat milk, beer, gluvine, caramelised nuts, chocolate, chips, crepes, cake (for breakfast!), pina colada and pain au chocolate.

We got back on Monday night and last night I went along to Ess Dubs (SW - Slimming World, get it?). Of course I was going to gain after all that so I got there super early so I could escape as quickly as possible.

So this week, I gained 2.5lbs. To be honest, it could have been a lot worse. As I mentioned in my previous post I am feeling annoyed that it's week four and I've made jack all progress but this is the long game and it's time to get my head down and have a killer week. Onwards!


Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 202.5 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: +2.5 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 2.5 pounds

Weigh In. Number 3.

This week, I was royally pissed off. 

I'd really been strict all week and then relaxed it at the weekend and I thought I deserved a pound (especially cause it was just a pound the week before). However, it was not to be and I was faced with staying the same. Hmmmm.

I was so so annoyed but then I had a bit of a review of the weekend and there were a few things that might explain it - two slices of thick base pizza, half a bottle of wine, Chinese deep fried starter. Oops. So on reflection I suppose I deserved it. In my defense the wine was cause I was meeting Toyboy's parents. Not that I had to down the wine to steady the nerves but we went out for a meal and I felt like I couldn't ask for a rum and diet coke instead. And no, not drinking was not an option. Maybe in the future but making a fuss the first time I met them was not on the cards.

I digress... What's upsetting me is that I feel that time is slipping away and I'd love to crack on and have an amazing week but there are two things getting in the way. 1. I'm going away from Friday morning till Monday night with Toyboy and we're going to be in Germany where there is a big beer festival! And 2. My head is so not in it over the past few days. I'm trying really hard but I am just feeling the hunger - and for sweet things. I love boiled sweets and I've been putting away far too many of them.

With the way I'm feeling and the weekend ahead I'll be lucky if I can stay the same again. Even if I can manage that then I'll still only have lost 5lbs in four weeks - RUBBISH! Okay - that sound a bit frantic and that exactly where I don't want to be. Fat and serene is better, no?

So I pretty much emailed all of the above to the Lovely Helen of Clear Your Heart fame and I am feeling SO much better. She sent me a lovely response which has had the desired effect (i.e. a virtual slap in the visage). To condense her pearl's of wisdom, she said:

1. You still have to make the right choices at the weekend
2. Calm down - it's not the end of the world just cause you've not lost as much as you'd like
3. Eat more of the right things

She's so right. I'm going to go on holiday this weekend and enjoy the odd treat and not worry about it. When I get back from my wee break - it is all systems go.

And I don't go till tomorrow so I've been doing well in the meantime. I've eaten a lot more today - but of all good stuff and I feel much better. I'm also pleased with my fitness. Ran for 20 mins (3km) without stopping on Monday night without too much trauma and last night at bodypump (first time back in weeks and weeks) I did my usual weights (give or take a kg on the squats and back track) and managed no problem!

I do love you body - sorry for being a pain sometimes.

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 200 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 0 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 5 pounds

Coming!

 
Lots of people tell the story of how and when they lost their virginity with horror and regret.

Not me. I was 15 when I started going out with Rolling Stone (he loved them and played the guitar).  Although we were only young (he had just turned 16) it was a pretty intense relationship, even more so as we went to different schools (my street cred went through the roof!).

We had done everything but the deed itself so it was only a matter of time. We waited until I was 16 and we made a plan - he stayed over at mine one weekend when my parents were away. Everything was perfect, he was caring and relaxed. I was.... too nervous. I just couldn't do it.  He was great about it and we just cuddled. What a star.

A few weeks later we were at a party and stayed the night. We'd had a few drinks and without the pressure of knowing 'that was the night' it happened.

Now, don't get me wrong, there weren't fireworks- in fact it wasn't really enjoyable at all but it happened with someone I loved (yes, I loved him) and I felt safe and secure with him, until he two timed me and dumped me four months later - wanker- but that's another story. Even though he turned out to be a dickhead, I was still glad that he had been the one and it wasn't just some fumble with someone I barely knew.

I'm now 30. That's 14 years of sex. Okay - not constant bonking, I've not got that much energy! But it's 14 years of learning about what other people like, how to please my partner, what I like and what gets me hot and bothered. I've had varied lovers over the years, men my own age, older men, younger men, men who've been with a lot of people, men with big dicks, men with nothing much to report, men who've been circumcised and men who shave everything off (their hair!). I'd just like to point out that some men fulfill one or more of the above criteria  - there's not loads and loads that I've been with!

Sex with Moonraker was really good but it wasn't amazing. It felt like we got into a rut really early on and that we just didn't connect in that area. When I hit him with my list of questions  when he asked me to give us another go, one of them was: "What about the sex. Do you think we can create something that wasn't there in the first place. Can that get better?" What he revealed during that chat is that he said he didn't know how to make me orgasm. "So what, you just gave up?" I challenged back. Half the fun is finding out how, I told him.

I know my body and I know what works for me - I could have told him! Jesus.  But as it happens, I don't know my body quite as well as I thought I did. 14 years of what I thought I knew have been blown out of the water in one night - step forward one Toyboy.

Toyboy and I have a fantastic sex life. Really really good. In fact, I would go so far as to say it's the best I've ever had. Lucky me! I didn't think it could get any better - until Sunday night. That boy is talented. As all ladies know, there are two ways in which a woman can normally reach the place that makes her legs wobble and her feet tingle. I have only ever been a woman who travels one path. Well, not any more. Somehow Toyboy has discovered more about my body in seven weeks than I have in my whole life! I always thought I was trickier than the average bear to convince to reach the point of no return but that couldn't be further from the truth. And it's almost on demand too! Four times in about 10 minutes! Un BEE lievable.

We're going away for a long weekend this week and will spend five nights together, the most to date. I hope the hotel has got thick walls...

It is SO good to meet you!

Toyboy's parents were coming to his flat on Friday where we would be introduced, have a drink and then head out for dinner.

I met Toyboy just after lunch and we went back to his. I wanted to have enough time to get ready at a leisurely pace so I would be calm and collected for the arrival of mum and dad Toyboy. That did not happen. By the time Toyboy and I caught up with each other - and of course, we'd not seen each other for the best part of a week and so there was a fair amount of catching up to do, I had 20 minutes to jump in the shower, get dressed (well, I wasn't going to rock up naked), get my slap on and fix my hair. I moved quickly and even had a couple of minutes to get myself all nervous before the buzzer went.

The next thing I knew - his mum had arrived. His mum put out her hand to shake mine. It felt a bit formal and so I ended up giving her sort of cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. His dad was moments behind as he was parking the car. By this point we were all standing and the kitchen table was between us so he didn't get quite the same warm welcome. I think vaulting over the table might have been a bit much.

We all chatted away before heading out for dinner and it was great. They are so lovely and are just... normal! Have you any idea how rare that is? Previous boyfriend's parents have been socially inept, drink dependent (at times), on their fourth marriage (not that it's abnormal but it's not that usual), unaware of the real world and how it works in terms of careers and the workplace - I could go on and on.

I actually really enjoyed hanging out with them and I think it went really well. They could well have thought the complete opposite but Toyboy thanked me for being 'so lovely' with them - and so I think it's all good.

My new mummy and daddy!

Just cracking off a quickie as I'm super busy with work. I've been working for myself for just over a year now and I am so pleased I made the decision to go it alone. It's pretty daunting at times and I'm forever checking my spreadsheet to keep an eye on the cash flow situation but it all seems to be working out! Who'd have thunk it? Shame I have to still deal with clients!

So - it's t minus 5 hours until I meet Toyboy's parentals. I'm feeling fine about it to be honest, I just want them to like me! Out of all my ex boyfriend's parents they seem to be the most similar to mine- which is really reassuring and so I am looking forward to meeting them. I'll have to watch though - I keep calling them by a nickname when chatting to Toyboy. Must not let that slip out tonight!

I've picked out my outfit too. Dark blue jeans and a kinds dressy jumper thing with a big gold bow on the front. Big gold earrings and a big gold cuff. Well, I need to give it the Love Cat touch! It's quite understated and flattering too. We're going out for bite to eat and then to a play. How civilised!

Diet is going well but the past two nights I've been out in the evening and ended up picking at crappy stuff for my tea. Last night I had about 10 truffles (they were AMAZING) - highly nutritious I'm sure you'll agree, and the night before I had a mini pie thing (just a bit of one) and an onion ring. Calorie wise it's no more than a meal but it's not the Slimming World way.

Have a great weekend lovers. x

Awwww....

Freak out!

I'm meeting Toyboy's parent's on Friday!






















Toyboy is an only child.
He is really close to his parents.
I am a 30 year old harlet that has corrupted their son

And most importantly what the hell am I going to wear?!

Weigh In. Number 2.

I forgot what it's like getting weighed in at Chubby Club. My heart was pounding and I was really nervous. Really nervous. I need to calm down and just remember that I'm doing all the right thing. There is nothing to stress out about. I'm following the plan and making the right choices and most importantly my head is in the right place.

This week, I lost 1lb. Now a loss is a loss and I know I lost 4lbs last week, making it 5lbs in two weeks but you know I'm all about the honesty on this here blog and the truth is, yes - I am a little disappointed. I've got fair bit to lose and I was hoping it would be a bit more.

However, I shall carry on. Historically this is where I lose the plot. I get a bit bored after a few weeks and let is all slide. This is my moment to knuckle down and keep on keeping on.

Starting Weight: 205 pounds
Current Weight: 200 pounds
Weight Loss This Week: 1 pounds
Total Weight Loss: 5 pounds

Scale Dread

So tonight is weigh in two.

And I don't wannaaaaaaaaaaa go! I don't feel like I've lost anything and I am dreading it. I have stuck to the plan and I don't feel like I deviated at all. There were a few things in there that I probably shouldn't have had (hello white bread and jelly bellies - not at the same time I might add) but I counted them all as syns. We're supposed to have between 5 and 15 a day. I'm averaging out at about 10 a day for the last week.

Oh yeah,  I also went to the gym last night for the first time in about five weeks. I do apologise if you saw me there. It was not a pretty sight. When I was there I 'just' did my usual workout - some resistance/squats etc and then 30mins full on cardio. Yeah, I just rattled through it. Yeah, right.

I've been pretty pleased that all year, no matter what weight I've been I've managed to crack out at least 10mins without stopping, at a 9km pace. Last night spat in the face of that claim. Got to just over 7 mins and I had to walk for a bit. Pulled it together and got through the rest of the work out and made my way to the showers. I thought I was going to vom right then and there in the cubicle. Didn't.

Will let you know how I get on. Humph.

Moonraker Meet Up

I decided to say something to Moonraker ahead of us meeting up.

He ended up emailing me about a work related thing (we work in the same industry) and I took my chance to say.... it might sound OTT but I wanted to check, although we'd had a few texts recently, we were just meeting up as friends.

Yes, it was OTT he replied. Hmmm, not really if you ask me. Think that's more his bruised ego talking I think. I smoothed things over and it was all still on for Saturday. And when we met on Saturday - it was totally fine. I can't lie. Yes, I do still have feelings for him. No, I don't want us to get back together but I care about him a lot and.... well, I don't know. More than that I suppose but I've just not been acknowledging those feelings.

We had a couple of moments when we were talking about us and we remember some of the good times. I told him that my decision not to try again hadn't been easy and I'd really struggled with it. He said, 'Well, you always know where I am'.

However, I also found something out that I didn't know and to be honest, it's left me with a bad taste in my mouth. Moonraker revealed (after some probing from yours truly) that he went out with a girl throughout the whole of uni (I knew that part). He said the time they were together was brilliant., perfect. Stuff happened after uni and they split up. She begged him to take her back and he wouldn't. Six months later he realised he'd made a mistake but she didn't want to know.  For the next two years he was heartbroken. He told me he's never really gotten over her and that he thinks she was the love of his life and that he's had his chance.

It might sound harsh that he told me this but he wasn't going to and it was me that asked him to open up.

I could talk about how sad it is that he thinks like that and how it seems that he can't let go but that's all about him and to be honest yes, I am upset for him but I'm a bit upset for me too. Sad that I don't think he ever really loved me and the whole time (not consciously) he was comparing us and me.

I was chatting to Toyboy last night and I told him that I'd met up with Moonraker. As I thought and hoped he would be, he was fine about it. That's what I love about him. He just takes things at face value. He asked what we talked about and I told him what I've just told all you. I didn't go into the details of how it made me feel. No need. And that was the end of it.

So I do think Moonraker and I will go on to be friends and I'd like that but I need to let things settle down a bit and make sure that Toyboy is my priority.

Weigh In. Number 1.

I'm calling this week's weigh in at *looks around furtively* Slimming World, weigh in one. Yeah, I was weighed in last week, on my very first week but wasn't after a week of following the plan, was it?

So I trotted along on Tuesday to the hall where myself and a pile of other chubby ladies have the pleasure of standing on some scales which make us feel either totally shit or completely amazing. I waited in line to get on the bloody things and I was nervous. My heart was pounding and I could barely keep my train of thought - which was, 'I better have lost at least a few pounds'. It was week one after all. I'm delighted to report that I lost 4lbs.

I'm extra pleased with that as not only did I do no exercise I was generally pretty sedentary. I'm aiming to get back into the gym this week, even if it is just once or twice so hopefully I can get another good loss next week. It's a tall order but I'd love it if I could lose 3lbs next week and make it a half stone. I'm going for it anyway and if I come anywhere close then happy days.

I also had more of a chance to assess my fellow syners this week as I wasn't doing mental somersaults with red days, green days, free and superfree foods and I think I might have been a bit quick to judge them. The majority of them are pretty normal people who can probably spell their own name (oooh - harsh?). It's just that there are certain characters that stand out who are.... well, maybe not the fizziest drink in the fridge.

I was going to tell Toyboy about being on a diet at the weekend as we spent a long weekend together but after the first day together I realised I didn't have to! We were eating out loads and I was just making the right choices and I thought 'I'm getting away with this - I don't need to tell him!'. Well, that was until Monday lunchtime when I offered the mozzarella to him from my chicken salad.

"Are you not eating dairy, or something", he asked.

Busted! I had no option but to come clean. I fessed up. I wasn't sure what he was going to say and to be honest I wasn't too worried. I wasn't looking for him to say 'why? You don't need to go on a diet' or for him to try and reassure me. I'm not doing this to please him. What he did say was, "Fair enough. If that's what you want to do then good luck."

I love that. No big discussion. No big stromash.

Mixed Messages?

Having second thoughts about meeting Moonraker on Saturday. I want to meet him but I have to ask myself why. Is it just for an ego boost? If so then it's an pretty dangerous way to get one. And as Zanna  wisely pointed out Toyboy might be more okay about it than Moonraker but that doesn't mean he'd be happy about it.

Because we've had a few texts back and forward, some of which have been instigated by me - I'm now wondering if he thinks the door is slightly ajar and is going to give it an almighty shove. I don't think he knows the chain lock is on.

I might text him and say something about Saturday being us catching up as friends.  Does that sounds totally OTT? Gah! Nothing is ever simple.

Hindsight & Foresight

A lot has happened over the past few weeks and I've had a chance to think about the choices I've made.

Toyboy is just brilliant and I am so pleased I decided to give us a chance. It's so easy to spend time with him and it just feels so comfortable - but at the same time exciting. I'm really relaxed about the age difference - not worried at all.

He's great because he teases me and winds me up (and I love that) and loves to make out that after 5 weeks together (since I first went to visit him) that he's got me whipped - but then he treats me, won't let me pay for anything, looks after me, drives 50 miles out of his way to pick me up late on a Friday night. He's also really tender and caring and the sex... Well, It's fantastic. And there is so much of it! To feel that wanted and desired is simply divine.

In addition to that - he's intelligent. He's not uber clever but he is definitely a smart cookie. I do think he's got the edge on me (not that I would admit that to him!) and just his logical and practical approach to things is... well, it sounds really sad  -but I love it! I find it incredibly attractive.

And how do I feel about Moonraker? Hmmm - I dunno. I do think about him quite a lot but not in a regretful way. I do think about what could have been, and about the family we could have been one day. I find that hard but I'm not pining for him. I called him the day after we met up after he dropped his bombshell. I thought it only fair that I let him know my decision.  We chatted for a bit and then I told him I was calling because I had done some thinking after we'd met the previous night and I thought we should just leave things as they were.

He thanked me for telling him. I explained that I didn't feel convinced that it was what he wanted and so I wasn't convinced it was right and that I was the one who would end up getting hurt again. He said he was convinced he wanted to try again. Not good enough. He then joked about spending the rest of the evening crying but then all of a sudden insisted he had to get off the phone. He sounded quite upset.

Hmmmm - so the shoe is on the other foot. I felt bad for him but part of me also is practical about the whole situation - a situation he brought it on himself. I was in an horrific state when he was dicking me about - and sadly that's the way it goes.

I texted him a few days later just saying hi and we had a couple of friendly messages back and forth. I was pleased. I wanted to make sure he was okay and that we were still okay  - okay as friends. On Friday just there a few more texts were exchanged - some friendly banter. All fine and dandy. Saturday night 1.30am. I'm on my way home from a night out with friends. Toyboy is with me (he'd just met all my friends that night and it had gone really well). I get a text from Moonraker. I angle the phone away from Toyboy so he can't see. I open up the text. 'Hey. Yes, I am drunk and yes it's a Saturday night. Just wanted to say hello! You okay?'

Shit. This is not good. He's on a boys weekend and his drunken thoughts are racing. Now that he can't have what he wants.... typical! I can't really keep my thoughts together but I don't think Toyboy notices. I don't reply. I'm not sending texts to my ex while I'm sitting next to my boyfriend - who I thinks is the bee's knees! 30 mins later another text from him arrives. 'Sorry, ignore that. Cringe'.  So he's realised that his text is pretty transparent. I still don't reply.

The next morning Toyboy is in the shower and I sent a text back. 'Sounds like the beer in Germany is strong stuff, you steamer.'  He replies. 'Sorry about that - bit embarrassed.' We send a few more texts - nice and light and that's it. Okay - dealt with. Well done me, I think.

BUT (of course there is a but!), I wake this morning to another text from Moonraker. He had a dream about me last night. I know! I know it sounds dodgy. I promise it was nothing rude! We exchanged a few amusing texts and then he asks if I am around for a catch up. Hmmmm.  I can see exactly where this is going. I'm actually pretty busy over the next few weeks and I'm not in his neck of the woods at all (he lives an hour away). I reply saying that. He comes back telling me he's in my area this weekend. Next thing I know we're getting something to eat this Saturday night coming.  Okay - so perhaps I should have put up more resistance but I do like him - of course I do and yes, I suppose my stupid ego has gotten in the way and I'm letting flattery affect my  decision.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not meeting up with him with any sort of agenda in mind. I do not want to get back together. I'm with Toyboy and I'm really happy about that. However, I do have to ask myself why do I think Moonraker wants to meet up so soon after the last time. It's only been two weeks since I saw him last. This is what I think. He's not only going to tell me he wants to get back together, just as he did last time, but this time he's going to do it with feeling.

Let me explain. The main reason I decided that I wasn't prepared to give it another go with him was because there was no passion when he was trying to convince me. It felt like he was going through the motions. When I asked him WHY he wanted to try again he said: 'I'd be an idiot if I didn't give it another go because we're so well matched, we get each other, you make me laugh, we work in the same industry, you're gorgeous etc. etc.'. There was no 'I can't live without you, I can't stop thinking about you, I want to be with you forever.' Where was the feeling? Where was the passion? Where was the raw emotion? It wasn't there.

The other key thing was when I asked if he would bring up Toyboy every time we hit a bump he said he would try not to. Try. Again, not good enough. I wanted him to fight for me but he wasn't prepared to do that. He said he couldn't profess his undying love for me but that he wanted to try again. It was all just too wishy washy.

I wonder - now that I'm the one holding all the cards (ha!- says the child within) has he decided that he does still love me and wants to tell me? I'm guessing that's exactly the way it's going to go down. I can't be sure but if I was gambling man...

The New Regime

It's day three of the new regime and I am slowly getting to grips with Slimming World's way of thinking. Well, I am getting to grips with extra easy days (there are also red and green days.)

From what I can work out they make you think that you can live the life of a very hungry Riley as you can eat unlimited veg and fruit - sounds fair enough. You're also allowed lean meat, fish, eggs and other similar thing. But get this you are also allowed to eat unlimited pasta. Yes, PASTA. I was agog. However, here is the kicker - you have to fill up 1/3 of your plate with superfree foods. What's a superfree food, I hear you ask. I'm glad you did. It's pretty much fruit and veg - but not root veg or nice things like avocado. I'd just like to take this moment in time to point out one avocado has 15 syns (yes, with a 'y' - it's for SYNergy dontcha know? - ugh. Helen, I feel your pain on this point. Mumpreneur, anyone? Sorry, I digress). How many syns are you allowed in one day? 15. Goodbye dear avocado.

I can now see how this works as by the time you pap a heap of fruit or veg on your plate there's only so much of the other stuff you can eat.

What is limited, but has to be included every day is milk or cheese and high fibre things like bread and crackers. I am a massive cracker snacker (ooh - rhymes) and this has hit me hard.

Anything else has to be counted as a syn. After a few hours into it all I realised.... no sugar. Yup, there is very little sugar on this diet. I love sugar. We've been FIRM friends for a long, long time and I miss it already. I think my banging headache last night might have been something to do with that too. Hmmmm.

So what have I been eating? Well, all manner of nice stuff. Just means I need to be organised  - which, of course I knew already. Duh.

Lunch. Salmon (cooked in foil in the oven), cous cous and salad)

Brekkie. Two types of melon, grapes and muller yogurt.

It's lovely food but I think my tummy is used to getting a lot. (putting away a large packet of Butterkist every other night up until Monday) and so I am still hungry at times but am just going nuts on the fruit. I#'ve also been saving my Syns as I need them for weekend boozing. I'm actually dying on a drink- roll on 6pm tonight.

I do still feel like the side of a house and I have visibly put on weight and getting dressed at the moment can be somewhat painful. However, today I have managed to pull together an outfit that I feel pretty good in so all in all - feeling pretty positive.

And on top of that Toyboy is coming down for the weekend till Monday! Now let's just hope my body plays ball and I don't get any monthly interruptions -okay TMI, but you know you get all the details here!

Have a fabulous weekend mes amies. x

Dust, anyone?

I've abstained for around 14 years but last night I gave in. I went to...  a slimming club.

I am so annoyed at myself. Slimming clubs are great for some people and offer the guidance and support that sees them have incredible results. I'm fiercely competitive and independent and I was all smug at the fact I'd lost almost 3 stone on my own and had gotten somewhat of a handle on my love handles.

Yeah, Love Cat - you lost that 3 stone about 5 years ago! Since that time you've put on a stone and then yo yo yo yo yo yo'd up and down the same stone and a half more times on top of that than Marjorie Dawes has offered her fat fighters some dust.

The truth is that I've lost my way I need a plan. My usual plan ain't working for me and so I need to swallow my pride and man up....

There are very few Slimming World classes near where I live but as luck would have it there is one just a few miles away. As I walked in to the building I suspected it would be just as I remembered  the classes were that I attended when I was 16. I wasn't wrong.

Before I go on to describe my experience let me just say, I like the diet (or healthy eating plan - whatevs). It's the people and the mentality I have issues with. And I will freely admit many of those issues come from the fact I am a bit of snob. There- I've said it. I have high standards and a low tolerance threshold - not the idea combo for putting up with some people. Well, most people.

I get a really warm welcome from the class leader, a chubby lady called Lucy. She shows me to the back of the class where there are another couple of new people. As we're filling out our forms another new member arrives called Sue. I take one glance at Sue - she's not the fizziest drink in the fridge by a long stretch of the imagination.

Sue is unable to register volume as whenever she speaks... well, she bellows. Sue has also forgotten her glasses and can't see the form to fill it in. Lucy has to ask her each bit of information one bit by one painstaking bit and fills it in for her.

Finally Lucy sits down with us and talks us through how it all works. I actually went to Slimming World when i was about 16 and so had rough idea of the drill - and my friend who goes to another class had let me read all through her stuff at the weekend. Lucy is maybe halfway through explaining what each bit of literature is about when Sue pipes up at a deafening level. "That's me problem - I just sit in the evening and it's crisps and chocolate and its me sun ah feel sorry for. You know".

What?! What the hell does that have to do with anything that Lucy is saying at this moment in time? Lucy is very good with her and chats with her for a moment about the fact eating in the evening can be a struggle for many. I could not care less- apart from the fact my ears are bleeding. Can we just get on with it, I think to myself and I'm sure my face says the same.

At the end of the explanation (which leaves me itching to get home so I can get my head around superfree foods, free foods, healthy extras, syns and all the rest of the malarkey).  We join the rest of the group who have all weighed in. There is an express weigh in so you can just weigh and go without waiting for the class. I can forsee this being my lifeline in the near future. However, for the moment I stay for the class.

Any slimming classes/clubs I've been to before involved the class leader facilitating discussion about why we put on weight, the struggles that we face etc. Sounds fine in theory but in practise I find it really patronising. I recall one occasion where we were going through the alphabet naming an feeling or emotion that would hinder our efforts to lose weight. I was 15 at the time and for the letter A I put forward 'apathetic' as my suggestion. In return I got a blank stare. The class leader didn't understand the word.

And that is what I find in all slimming classes I have ever been to - the level of intelligence is below average. it may well be that it's just the area where I come from. I can't speak for anyone else's classes or for any other area but in my experience that's the deal. Of course, there are few people who seem relatively 'normal' but they are most definitely in the minority.

So the class itself. Could you call it a class? Lucy went around each member announcing their loss or gain that week and infront of the whole class tells chats about why they had a good week or what went wrong. Hmmmm - how shall I put this. I don't care. I am not remotely interested in anyone else. I do not care about your lame excuse and if I ever put on there is no way, no how I will be hanging around to talk about it.


Okay - so I've bleated on about the downside of the classes and barely even mentioned the actual eating plan. I'm still getting my head around it so bear with me while I get to grips.

And let's not talk about what weight I am. NOT. COOL.

This Just In

Okay - it's maybe not JUST in, but I feel like I've suddenly realised just how massive the size of my backside is.... and my things, boobs, arms, back fat wedges. You get the picture. The big fat picture.

I'm in a bad way. A really bad way. I've really packed on the pounds and am now only around a stone away from my heaviest weight ever. At one point I was almost 3 stone away from that dark and frankly miserable place.

I'm not going to bleat on about how crap I feel, how none of my clothes fit and I generally am disgusted with myself (there's plenty of posts to come about that - boom boom). What I will tell you is that something needs to happen. I need something that's going to give me a kick up the arse and get me in the right headspace and so.... after much thought I've decided to do something I never thought I would consider (having dabbled when I was around 16) again.

Okay, here it is. On Tuesday I'm going to..... Slimming World. There, I've said it. I'm not happy with  this decision. This is something that I hope will change.

I've been inspired by the incredible Helen over at Clear Your Heart. This little lady has lost an impressive 4.5 stone this year. Get your head around those numbers. A friend of mine has also had success and I just feel that I have to do SOMETHING.

Crunch Time

Great advice from everyone - as per usual. Do you think we should form some sort of collective life coaching circle? Well, I suppose that's what blogging is a lot of the time.

This is just a quickie as I'm running out the door but I wanted to let you know the score.

So, I met Moonraker last night as planned. I was so nervous before he arrived. I felt so sick and edgy. I was meeting him in a bar where I had been working using their wifi for a few hours (I was on my laptop doing my own work - not behind the bar!). The seat I was sitting on was covered in that faux leather, plastic material stuff and I was totally sweating! Okay - too much info but you get the gist, I was far from relaxed.

Anyway- he arrived and we got food. And talked. And talked. And unexpectedly, I came to a decision. I honestly didn't think I would, certainly not last night, but Moonraker said a few things that got me thinking and it kind of just... fell into place.
 
I need to tell you what he said that made me come to this conclusion. And the conclusion... is that I've just booked flights for ToyBoy and my long weekend away. So long Moonraker.  

Traingular Walls Are Closing In

Moonraker has made contact. We're meeting tomorrow after work for an indepth chat.

My head is spinning. The advice you all have given me is bang on the money and, if I were single the truth is I would be aiming for a reconciliation and taking all your points on board. I mean, he really needs to prove himself. Prove that he knows how badly he fucked up.

Something is niggling me though - and this is it.... We just spoke on the phone and he said that if he had known I was seeing someone else then he wouldn't have said anything because it's put me in a difficult situation and he feels bad for that. Hmmmm - bit too laid back if you ask me. I told him (in a very period drama kind of dramatic way) that if you think there is even a chance you can get something you want then you have to have the courage of your convictions and to fight for it.

We only scratched the surface (miaow!) as we're going to get into the nitty gritty tomorrow and like some sort of psycho I am writing a list of questions for him. Wanna see?

• Why do you think you looked for things that were wrong with the relationship
• What reasons did you give your friends for ending it?
• What changed your mind – made you want to try again?
•  It took you ages to split up with your ex even though you knew deep down you wanted to. Why were you able to so easily end it with me – so quickly?
•  What makes you think you’re not going to do the same thing again? What’s changed?
•  I’ve got a lot of male friends that I text, joke on with – are you going to be okay with that?
• If we did give it another go how do you feel about the fact I’ve been seeing someone else? Are you going to have a hard time with that? Are you going to bring it up if you’re annoyed about something?
•  Do you think you really want to try again? You said if you’d known I was seeing someone else then you wouldn’t have said anything. If you’re not willing to pull out the stops to get me back then do you really want it?
•  Sex, do you think we can begin to create a situation that wasn’t there in the first place? One where we feel connected and relaxed and confident?

·    What do you think? Anything else I should add?

And then there is ToyBoy. Lovely, lovely ToyBoy. He called just after I spoke to Moonraker. He's such a brilliant person. He even made a joke tonight, about us moving in together! Yeah, do not fancy living in his city one bit. And he's making all these plans for our long weekend away abroad. I'm paying for the flights and he's paying for the hotel. At first I thought, great - cause if we don't go I'll lose money for the flights and the hotel will maybe be a deposit at most. But no - that would be far too simple! He's booking through some agency place with whom he has to pay up front! Gah! And he's all like "You booked the flights yet?' and counting how many weekends it is till we go. Gaaaaaaaah! I'd normally kill for a guy like this but I'm freaking out about it.

AND I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow which I will probably HATE. Oh and did I mention I'm the size of a HOUSE!?